Anyway, I met someone and gradually what started out as a dalliance so became a full blown affair. I became convinced that I was in love with this individual as we clicked remarkably in the sex area. But soon I began to see that we had little else in common when we were not having sex, and as she demanded more non-sex time I pulled back more. But, I won’t blame it on her Even though we agreed to a bunch of ground rules, they mean nothing where emotions are. We both told each other little stories and played a game to get what we wanted out of the relationship, except when we reached the point where two people in a committed relationship might have decided that some work needed to be done we could do nothing. We were not in a committed relationship. We were in a lie.

With time I saw that my wife had realized what happened to our marriage and as she became more understanding and more caring I found that what I was doing was wrong. How could I trust a lover who had cheated on her own boyfriend to be with me and how could she ever trust a married man who had cheated on his wife? We could never make a truth out of a lie no matter how much we tried. Those doubts would always be there. A lie is a lie.

I totally hear people who talk about how they are drawn into these relationships and later find that they cannot get out. I hear the story about that “are you ok” text and understand it completely. It is like an addiction for both parties. And I understand both sides. People find each other through ways we cannot understand and make connections that are sometimes impossible to understand. I am not against divorce. Some people are simply incompatible. But an affair is probably the worst way to try to solve the problem, it can destroy everyone involved. Better to pack a bag and walk away and rebuild your life than to start this affair. Many of these websites promising affairs are truly evil because they are playing on pain. The marketing portrays it as if it is just a safety valve. I fell prey to one of these and I’ve heard the stories. People on pain trying to find a salve. But it is just a trap.

I’ve ended my affair because I could no longer cope with the emotional ripping of my soul that was happening and the guilt of not only lying to someone I had committed my life to, but also the pain and suffering I saw my ex-lover experiencing.

But those of you that are struggling with the idea that you were hurt… look inside yourselves first. Not to the other. When that pain comes really consider what you were doing. Look at the absurdity and wrongness of it. Really step back out of it as if you were observing someone else and look at all the players and the network of people in your life and you will see that you are in a delusion and you might even find that you are embarrassed and ashamed for feeling that hurt when you see the devastation that these lies could potentially cause or have already caused. Once you see clearly you will feel as if a vail was lifted from your eyes. The only way to stop an affair is finally to stop and recognize it for what it is- a fantasy, a delusion, a hopeless exercise that will only destroy you and the ones you love.

1. Yes, the guy loves the mistress. He also loves the wife. He’s also weak and a coward, and when the wife threatens to dump him, he’s terrified and will say and do anything to make it stop. He also thinks the mistress is a jolly enough friend that he can tell her anything, including whatever lies he’s telling both himself and his wife in order to stop her from dumping him into the miserable life of the bachelor pad and every-other-weekend and large chunks of change gone missing from the paycheck.

2. Oh, addiction, please. It’s a romance. If you want to pathologize every great love as an addiction, you go right ahead, but I’ll stick with romance.

3. Often the other woman has no desire to see the cheating guy leave the marriage — because then he might come to her! And that’d ruin everything. She’d have to take care of him, she’d have to have everyday life with him, and frankly she’d get the blame when he was full of remorse because moving in with her turned out not to be paradise, seeing as how they’re both real people and all.

4. It’s unlikely the other woman wishes you ill. Your husband, not she, is damaging your marriage.

5. Finally, before you go barking about solidarity and sisterhood — when’s the last time you routinely offered to help a single mother or a woman taking care of a disabled spouse? I mean help in a serious, meaningful way? You mopped her floor lately? Cooked a dinner over there? Taken the kids so she can get a desperately-needed nap or massage? I’m guessing you want solidarity when someone else denies herself for you — not the other way around.

He is feeling guilty because he said it’s still cheating. But he told me he will always keep the account open in case anything happens. It’s so hard I do try not to think of him but there is always something there to remind me of him. You need to download this song by Barry Manilow called, “Even Now” (you won’t believe the lyrics). When you do listen, please reply back. In the mean time know that someone else is feeling what you are. Here is a quote, “Just for today, I will live through this only, I will not brood about yesterday or obsess about tomorrow. I will not set far-reaching goals or try to overcome all of my problems all at once.”

Now my wife and I are trying to put our marriage back together. I know this is the right thing to do. I do love my wife, though I too am having an incredibly hard time just thinking of the other woman I love. I miss her. Hope this goes away with time. Feels a bit like self-inflicted torture right now.

I am interested to see what response you get here. I could use some advice too. I wonder all the time what my lover is doing. Though I have not been in touch at all for quite awhile. Doing the right thing is often difficult.

We knew as Christians that we were heading into trouble but did nothing to stop it. We would also e-mail each everyday all the time, but I had to go to N.Y. to visit my daughters and they somehow knew, and they put into action to set me up, by going into my history. A day before my husband and I left to go home they showed my husband the e-mails, which were pretty intense putting it mildly. And my and his world came crashing down. His wife also find out because my daughter called her and spilled the beans.

Having to end this affair has been the hardest we have both had to do. Our spouses have forgiven us, but it’s so hard knowing he lives so close. I do still e-mail him as friends basically just once a week and tell him about my week, and he also responds back the same. I know he feels guilty doing this, because he said it’s still cheating even if the e-mails are clean.

I just want to know, how do I get him out of my head? We are both grateful that our spouses have taken us back and we both love them. I just really didn’t know that this was going to be so hard on both of us. I do want to move forward, but I always want to know how he is doing. I really miss the friendship more than anything else. I know that he will always be in my heart.

Has anyone out there has had an emotional affair and how did they end it? Do you both still keep in touch on a freindly basis? He will always be my best friend. I just miss him so much. Thanks for listening.

If you want to stay with your husband and you say he is your best friend, please read this book … Marriage Fitness by Mort Ferel. It may seem extreme but you will understand that what has happened is why you feel today the way you do. That can change if you interact with the nice man that you had the good fortune to marry. Make your connections again and find in him your soul mate. Don’t give your soul away. There is hope.

How can you trust these partners when you are all betraying those that you love and making them suffer more, even after this game is discovered? And yes, it is a game. A game with other peoples lives. You are despicable people, Whores and slappers and dogs. You can change your ways, but the damage you have done to yourselves is the only thing you seem to think about. Selfish, selfish people.

If you don’t stop, think about your loved ones and ask for forgiveness, spend the rest of your lives trying to put right the damage you have done, you should all rot in hell, because you will. Hell is the guilt of your own making which you will take with you to your death bed.

The answer is in your hands. Don’t expoect your injured partners to move one inch in your direction; they did not chose to be where they are, you did. If you are good people, and we all make mistakes, make amends.

I am married for 18 years with 2 wonderful daughters. My wife found out about the affair, but I was pretty far gone. However, I knew this was wrong and we decided to break it off.

At first, it was like my world was ending. I was devastated and heartbroken. I didn’t know how I was going to make it. But we kept NO contact. It was helpful that she also didn’t try to contact me. Afterward, I was fully convicted of what I had done. I am COMPLETELY over her. It was a fantasy. It took a little while. I read that it takes about as long as the affair lasted to get over it.

Also, love for my wife and back fully and more than I ever knew. God got my attention. If I had continued in this, I was going to hell – to continue in a adulterous relationship without repentance is a sure ticket there, no matter how good you think your intentions are with this other person. It’s selfish behavior and attitude.

Here’s another warning – today I went to court as my divorce is nearly finalized. My wife separated from me a year ago and not only am I missing her every day, I now see my kids on a very limited basis. How I regret each and every day what my actions have caused! Each and every day.

I am alone, lonely, devastated and my future is uncertain. I am very much in love with my wife and I miss my kids dearly. The price I’ve paid is unbearable. I am heavy with regret. The only solace I have is the limited time I have with my daughters. I have also turned to God in a more real way but this is going to take alot of time for me to heal from this one. I pray for hope just to keep going each day.

My point is, count the costs. It’s hard to see the costs when you’re caught up in this kind of thing. At some point the high ends and you’re left with reality. Don’t forget the eternal consequences either. It’s hard to fathom those right now either.

I thought I would try to save my marriage. But he never cared. I would cry myself to sleep. All he could do is scream at me that I am making noise and instead asks me to sleep in the other room. All he would say is “it has happened, just snap out of it”.

I would not consider you a whore because I ended up with someone who listened to me. He was on separation with the wife, then. They are going through a complicated divorce. As of now, I am not part of it. His marriage was long dead before I met him. But we do encourage each other. I moved out of my husbands house and he has never contacted me for one month. Each time I ring him he does not pick up his phone. Would you blame me? It’s also the first time for me to get involved because I was so lonely. I needed a shoulder to cry on.

Instead of rejuvenating your own marriages and bringing back the sparks you are filling in, mostly sexually, other peoples gaps. You are being used and you feel it in your bones but won’t acknowledge it. The second amazing thing is, I am from Africa, and from this web site, one thing is for sure, because it happens here too, MEN NEVER LEAVE THEIR WIVES FOR THE OTHER WOMAN!!! It doesn’t matter what they say, they are lying. Please, pick up yourselves, shake off these men and concentrate on your own marriages. Above all, you gals need JESUS to help you love your poor husbands and to be true to them.

I don’t pity you at all, because you treaded into a no go zone. This man will go back to his wife because they have a connection. That’s why they vowed to be together, it’s a bond you can’t break! First time or not, don’t ever fool yourself that you could easily turn a man away from his wife and walk away with it. And don’t try to convince yourself that you are good, because you have been used. And right now you say you are confused. It’s because you have been robbed and you’re feeling empty. if you asked me, serves you right!!

So no one needs to psycho anaylize me. I fell in love with a married man 8 yrs ago. He was my boss. However, at that time I was 23 and 9 yrs his junior and I didnt want to put myself in that situation AT ALL! I knew he fell for me, it was in his eyes, we captured both of each other’s souls. The connection has always been so deep, with great conversations, shared the same passions and dreams. The sad part is I knew he wished he would have lived life like me. He was always jealous at my free spirt traveling the world by myself and seeing my dreams come true.

He was married though, to a pretty undeserving woman and you can see that he knew it but one of the things I loved about him was that he was good man. Anyway, after a year of working together he called me 3 months later and told me how he was in love with me. We hung out for a night and it didn’t feel right and I was interested in my Beligian delight. I always felt though, in another life we were meant to be.

Well, fast forward the b/f and I split up and our paths crossed again. His stupid wife, whom he is still with, was playing around on him the whole time when we worked together and 2 kids later he says he wished he would have swept me off my feet. We then had a connection that was even bigger and better and he told me how he has been miserable for years and what she has done to him has killed his self worth and confidence but he stayed in it for the kids and at this time her father was dying.

Anyway he pursed me hard and told me he loved me and then I fell in love really deeply. I, with my fiery temper and demanding ways, wanted us to be together and did not like being the OW. However, 5 months later it has really cooled off and I am confused because I know this man is so hurt and devasted over what his wife has done to him and how miserable he really is. I started off as friends ay first. Well, now I don’t know what to think but I don’t think I am a whore or a bad person, I truly am not. I am the girl who goes to India to help children and I have a heart of gold but I fell in love and no matter how verboten that it was, things happen when a true heart is involved. I might not have one the situation and might never win but it was a wonderful experience and maybe in a sense we healed each other because of our bad relations. So you can’t judge every story of affairs in the same manner. Everyone is different and has been thru different things.

Better for me to be honest with you and get your life saved than to flatter you and strengthen your belief that “its so hard”. Worse still, you go about looking for people in the same sinful circumstances who convince you even more that “its so hard”. Save your eternal lives my brothers and sisters. Be scared because of the sins you are commiting. You won’t get away with it.

This is the help you need:

1. Quit watching those TV programs that glorify adultery. They captivate your mind and make you wanna go back.
2. Get rid of the things that remind you of the other person. Matthew 18:7-9
3. Pray for forgiveness and show by your actions that you regret your sins.
4. Read the prophecies for they remind you that judgement day is guaranteed.

Verses to read:
Romans 1:18-32
Romans 2:5-9
1 Corinthians 6:18-20
Galatians 6:7-9

Everyone talks of it being an addiction. When he leaves me and goes home to his wife, I feel empty, lost, hurt, and heartbroken. I know he will never leave her cause he is comfortable in his life. We never talk about it, it’s like this “tabu” issue. Every ounce of me wants to end it but I just can’t. My mind says “go” and my heart says “stay”. My heart says just give it a little more time, he can’t live without you. My head says you’re out of your mind, he will never leave her. You will always be 2nd best. The secret, the one who fills the needs that he doesn’t get at home. I just adore him and truly fell in love with him.

I was married to a very abusive man when I met this man. He saved my life and showed me that I was worth something. Showed me that someone could love me for who I was. I got up enough courage to leave my abuser and now I am happy. But everyday I am in anguish over this affair. I’m a Christian woman who is beaten and broken about what I am doing but don’t have the strength to just”walk” and never talk to him again. He is my best friend.

Yeah, I know you all are saying sure he is, just do it, move on get away, run. God only knows when I will do it. Does there come a time when you are just ready? When you’re sick and tired of being “#2″? I sometimes cry myself to sleep at night and think about the what ifs… I know I love him and I know he loves me. But I also know that he will never leave her. Help, Michelle

I am still in a lot of pain and want to contact him but luckily I have not. The problem is I married a man I didn’t love, although he is a wonderful person and is worthy of the love I have never been able to give him. I have been in counseling for 2 years but it hasn’t helped me open myself up to accepting love from him. It just isn’t there. I know if we divorce I would choose someone else just like him because he is a wonderful person and has all the qualities I could possibly look for. He is my best friend but at the end of the day I have no romantic feelings for him. I really appreciate all of you who contribute to this site. It has helped me more than you know! I will keep trying but I am losing hope.

At the same time, I was tired of dealing with all the repressed guilt and was ready to fully recommit to my marriage of 20+ years, so I took the advice given here to go completely “no contact”. Sure enough, he tried to contact me several times after I said my final goodbye, until I finally asked a male friend to have a “father-son” talk with him, which worked well for a while. Eventually, he did contact me again and still wants to see me “just as friends”, but I no longer desire to see him at all since I have recovered from the emotional “fog” of the affair. It’s now been almost a year since the last time I saw him and I am happier in the security of my marriage than I ever was in the transient “excitement” of the affair, which was having a negative impact on my work and every other aspect of my life.

Right now you need to step back from the emotional fantasy (no contact) and give some serious thought to whether or not you want to continue in your marriage. If you need help getting out of the emotional fog, you should check out the forums at survivinginfidelity.com where both betrayed spouses and reformed wayward spouses post their stories. Seeing both sides of infidelity and the harsh consequences that it can bring really helped me to let go of the fantasy of the affair and embrace reality. Best of luck to you. Veronica

In a way you are lucky that your contact has ended. I’m sure it is very painful but it will get better and then you can start to be happy again I envy you. I wish he would stop calling me because I am not strong enough to be the one that ends it. Good luck with everything.

This is from the book “Strength For The Climb”, Strain forward with all your strength. Do not look back; all that is behind you is over. Everything you need lies ahead. What others are doing is not important right now. What could have happened a few miles back is now irrelevant. All that matters is completing what you have to do, using the tools you have, and applying what you know… right now. Stay strong! Stay focused! Merry Christmas to you all.

But it so happened that within 2-3 months, she came back to me stating that she also had kind of started to have feeling for me and I was REALLY shocked to hear that. Never in my dreams would I have imagined that in her rock-solid relationship with her handsome boyfriend there was any place for a married person like me. So we started talking and spending time with each other during work hours and beyond and the thing between us grew much deeper or at least it seemed to.

Once I had to go back to my parents place for a week and I literally wept in front of her like a child, feeling that it would be toooo long to stay away without her. I could never figure out it was love or lust… till now, I have not figured THAT ONE OUT. We also started discussing typical problems within any given relationship and there were some issues between her and her boyfriend which, during the course of many interactions, I did understand slowly.

By this time, I was also getting physically attacted to her and she kind of knew it. She was aware about all the staring I did and she would frequently joke about what my eyes were checking out. But she always made sure that the physical contact was absolutely reduced to zero. There was this occasional holding of hands and caressing with fingers, but neither of us had the courage to go beyond this. And then, both of us knew in some way it had to happen. After a late night conference meeting, we got comfortable in my car and one thing led to another and it was a full blown make-out. Of course, we did not cross the ‘line’ and we have not crossed it yet… but the touch, smell, the anticipation, the newness… the release of pressure that had mounted up over months finally blew the lid off. It was the element of risk that added to the whole thing.

So this went on for a couple of months and we had our ups and downs. It was getting out of hand so much that we decided to stay away and managed to for about 3-4 months. It kind of worked but we eventually figured out that it is just too painful to be that way. Now just last month she gave me a new surprise. She is getting married to her same boyfriend… and she wants me go back to my wife. I mean I was fine with this idea since it made logical sense for her to get married and she always wanted to get married to him. But for some or the other career related reason, he was not ready for that. I think this time he must have also thought that finally he should settle his relationship with her when I presume she kind of dropped some hints to him about her and me.

So everything kind of got finalized between them in a jiffy … maybe her boyfriend overreacted to the wake up call. I got to know about their upcoming marriage just few days back and before I could comprehend the situation properly, she put in papers, gave only a weeks resignation notice and fled out of the office. She did make out with me one day before this happened. We kissed and kissed and kissed, and our hands explored every part of each others body… and the next day she gave me the big ‘news’.

I was really traumatised … I mean I myself, in past, had tried to convince her that she should insist with her boyfreind to get married if she stronly felt so… but now that she decided to do it and everything worked out for her, I have this really huge hollow feeling … Now she is ACTUALLY married about a week back, must have gone for her honeymoon (really don’t know where she is) and hasn’t called back.

I am also trying in all my nicety not disturb her/contact her and let her live her life exactly the way she had originally dreamed off. But after having all said and done that and I am going through acute pain which I can’t share with anyone and I dont know what to do. My professional graph has gone down quite bit and there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I read through the article ‘completely cutting off’ thing and maybe this is what this is. Can someone can help me with some advice?

A little bit of a testimony from my side… God has blessed me so much. In one week (which was 2 weeks ago), He gave me a new job with a very good salary, and someone just GAVE me a car. We know that things like these, are all blessings from God, when we walk in His path and do His will. I do trust that God also gave me this job, to keep my mind busy from pondering on the past and the OM. It has been three months now, of absolute no contact whatsoever. And my marriage is just growing stronger and stronger.

My prayers are that things would be the same for you and your husband. Yes, things are not going to be easy the fist couple of weeks back together, and still there will be many doubts from his side. I have been there… I know. Satan is now going to attack him more than ever, because now he has given a full step in God’s direction. Keep praying for him, and declare a hedge around him, around his heart, and especially around his MIND! Cause this will be his worst enemy now… the mind.

Once again I feel so humbled that there are people like you and my husband, who are willing to forgive the unfaithful spouse and to keep on loving your partner. You remind me very much of my dear husband, and I must say, your husband would soon realise how special you are by being such a good example… in always seeking God’s will, even you were at the worst end of the stick. I will continue to keep you both in my prayers, and especially your husband, cause I know, the first month back together, will be very very hard from his side. Not just will doubt sometimes overshadow him, but so will guilt… and “what if’s”… and he will probably also think a lot that you would be better of without him. But these are all thoughts from the Satan, and I pray that he would guard against them, and not give into them.

I am rejoicing with you that he has come home. And my prayers and thoughts are with you. This will probably also not be an easy time for you, but the fact that you are God-fearing woman, that you are striving to live in God’s will… is something that I know God honors and will bless you with.

Nothing is impossible with God… what a powerful statement, and so many marriages, including mine, testifies of that great and define power. Stay strong, stay focused in God’s Word. and please keep me updated. With love… and God bless. Sad–>Happy

Thank you so much for your words of encounragement and prayers. To all those seeking trust God. Do not give up. God does restore dead marriages I am a witness. Praise the Lord and God Bless!!

First of all, God loves us no matter what we do or will do, that never changes. You can pray to him anytime or about anything. He wants to hear from you and wants you to tell him what’s on your heart. He already knows anyway. Also girl, there is no easy way out, never. I have struggled and tried to end things and so has my other man. We are both Christians and have tried to make it ok, but God continues to pull at our hearts and won’t let us enjoy the love and closeness we have developed, and he never will.

It is an emotional roller coaster that at times I want off so bad and at other times I just want him! You will hear many things about what to do, but there is only one way. Sooner or later we have to face the pain. We can put it off and continue as is, but the day will come when we face the pain. Once we do that and go through it we reach the other side where the freedom and our inner selves are waiting. You will have to end both friendships. Don’t know how you will do that but only you know what kind of reason you can come up with that removes both of them from your life. Maybe move.

I have the same feelings as you about never seeing my love again. I want to be able to keep him as a friend and stop the physical, and I almost think I could do that, but men have that drive for the physical and he wouldn’t be able to live up to that and then I get hurt more.

I began to pray months ago for God to change our hearts so we can live the life he has planned for us, and I believe he is answering my prayers because the guilt has increased for us both. It is so difficult to break free Isa, but I know that with God all things are possible and we just can’t see what our lives are going to be like on the other side of this mess we’ve made. That’s where the trust comes in. We are to trust God with our lives. I am not free yet, but I believe in my Lord and he will deliver me from this and someday I will wonder what took me so long. I want a happy ending. Taylor

The man I started seeing was also about to get married to one of my closest friends. I met him before I met my husband or my friend. He was my boss a long time ago. There was always a lot of chemistry between us and one night we were at a party together and kissed. We both agreed that it was wrong and should never happen again. But it didn’t end and the relationship continued and still continues. We have had a physical relationship as well as emotional.

I have to end it but can’t find the strength to do so. I feel so small an ashamed. I have confided in another friend who has advised me to pray to God for help but I feel that I don’t have the right to ask him for help. I’m not happy with what I have done to my husband or my friend. I have read that no contact is the only way to end things but I can’t imagine never seeing him again and not sure it will work unless I also end my friendship with a wonderful friend. Sorry for rambling. Please help.