“Loving your in-laws is one of the dearest ways you can show love to your spouse.” It’s a love gift we pray you’ll find it in your heart to give to your marital partner.

For this marriage message we want to share with you a testimony on this very subject that comes from a book entitled, The Best Thing I Ever Did for My Marriage (contains 50 inspirational real life stories compiled by Nancy Cobb and Connie Grigsby, published by Multnomah Publishers).

As Connie says,

“When two people marry, they bring with them their own traditions and patterns. This often creates conflict—to say the least! And when the ‘conflict’ is an opinionated mother-in-law who lives under your roof, things can become rather interesting, rather quickly!”

We pray the following story told by Diane Reilly will minister to your heart on loving the unlovable:

“Mom Reilly came to live with us at the age of 79 after living alone as a widow for 15 years. We’d been married for 9 years and had 4 small children. “Mom” was determined to get as much attention as possible from my busy doctor husband, who was rarely home. She’d rise early—4 or 5 in the morning— and start banging a spoon on the kitchen table, announcing it was time for her coffee.

She insisted on never being alone, which meant I couldn’t even go to the bathroom alone. “Diaaaane,” followed by knocks on the door, could be heard throughout the house. Carpools weren’t immune to her, either. She became a fixture in the front passenger seat—with her hand on the horn if I walked a child inside and took too long.

She was also a joy to shop with. When buying school clothes, I would find a comfy chair for her in the shoe department before heading out. Ten minutes later, I’d inevitably hear my name paged over the loudspeaker system!

A “quiet and gentle” spirit I did not have, but desperately wanted—and needed! I was in daily turmoil over the increasing demands I tried to place on myself in an effort to be the perfect wife and mother, with my “thorn,” Mom Reilly, burrowing deeper and deeper into my side. Her tongue was so sharp — nothing I said or did pleased her.

I became compliant on the outside, but seethed with resentment and anger on the inside. She was my “ball and chain.” I took out my frustrations on my patient husband, sideswiping him time and again about being a workaholic. My tongue became as virulent as—if not worse than—Mom’s.

One night God met me in a powerful and unexpected way. I was reading the crucifixion story in John’s Gospel. Jesus is on the cross looking down at His mother and His beloved disciples. With great tenderness and compassion, He says to John, “Here is your mother.” He was giving me His mother—to love and care for—just as He had given His mother to John. Was I not also a disciple? Was I not also commanded to love others as He loved me?

My heart changed that night. God gave me His heart for Mom Reilly. No longer was it an effort to love and care for her. She lived with us for 16 years, and we now see her time with us as a divine gift to bring supernatural love into our family.

It was the Lord who asked for a gentle and quiet spirit from me and it was this thorn of adversity that caused me to learn how to walk in the Spirit and not in the flesh. I fell more and more in love with Jesus—and my husband—as I practiced on “His mom.” And as my heart changed toward Bob and he was no longer battling my angry and critical spirit, we began studying, applying, and then teaching God’s blueprint for marriage.

One of the best things we did was to begin praying together. Our times together with the Lord are our most intimate. It’s hard to be angry, critical, or disinterested when you go into the throne room together. We pray together daily and communion is so sweet. We also honor Mom Reilly and thank God for her, His special gift. From the bottom of my heart I can say that she gave us far more than we gave her.”

In closing we’d like to give you a few additional insights on the same subject from the book Toward a Growing Marriage by Gary Chapman (Moody Press). In it he wrote, “It’s true that not all parents live respectable lives. Their actions may not be worthy of honor, but because they’re made in the image of God, they’re worthy of honor. You can respect them for their humanity and for their position as your parents, even when you cannot respect their actions.

It’s always right to honor your parents and those of your marriage partner. “Leaving” your parents (as the Bible in Genesis 2:24 commands us to do when we marry) doesn’t erase the responsibility to honor them… To “honor” implies that we speak kindly with parents and in-laws. Paul admonishes: “Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father” (1 Timothy 5:1).

We’re to be understanding and sympathetic. Certainly we’re to speak the truth, but it must always be in love (Ephesians 4:15).

When we were young, our parents met our physical needs. As they grow older, we may have to do the same for them. If the need arises, we must bear the responsibility of caring for the physical needs of our parents. To fail in this responsibility is to deny our faith in Christ (1 Timothy 5:8). By our actions, we must show our faith in Christ and honor for our parents.

If I could make some other practical suggestions, I’d advise you to accept your in-laws as they are. Don’t feel that it’s your task to change them. If they’re not Christians, certainly you’ll want to pray for them and look for opportunities to present Christ, but don’t try to fit them into your mold. You’re expecting them to give you independence to develop your own marriage. Give them the same.

And don’t criticize your in-laws to your mate. The responsibility of your mate is to honor his parents. When you criticize them, you make it more difficult for him to follow this pattern. When your mate criticizes the weaknesses of his parents, point out their strengths. Accentuate their positive qualities and encourage honor.

Keep in mind that freedom and harmony are the biblical ideals for in-law relationships. The train of God’s will for marriage must run on the parallel tracks of separation from parents and devotion to parents.”

We couldn’t say it better ourselves! May God richly bless you as you work towards a growing marriage in Christ-loving even the unlovable with the strength and wisdom and grace of God!

Steve and Cindy Wright

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