Sometimes, people view marriage as an escape from painful problems with parents. Such a view is unwise for at least two reasons.

First, being married will not eradicate problems with our parents. They will continue to play a role in our lives whether we are married or not. When we are bitter toward our parents, we continue to be adversely affected because of our emotional focus is on the injury (real or imagined) we have incurred from them.

The Bible teaches us to “leave father and mother” so that we may “cleave” to our spouse (Genesis 2:24). But when we are bitter, we are unable to break away from the negative emotional focus, and this brings a negative influence into the marriage. Forgiveness, not anger and withdrawal, is the way to become liberated from this kind of negative emotional focus. Couples should help each other resolve this kind of bitterness before marriage if possible.

Second, we have to learn to deal maturely with parental manipulation or other wrongful influence even after marriage. Marriage will not magically change this kind of parental behavior, especially when children enter the picture. The more we have learned to lovingly counter manipulation while unmarried, the easier it will be to do so in marriage. Couples should also help each other relate to their parents prior to marriage, co that as a couple they have already established loving, righteous ways of dealing with their extended families.

Most parents want what is best for their children, even thought we may disagree with them on what “best” is. Because of their legitimate concern for our well-being, and because they know us so well, any caution or objection they offer to our marriage plans should be seriously considered. Open discussion of the reasons for their concern demonstrates both respect and wisdom. In many cases, their concern is valid and helpful in forging successful marriages.

Some people think parental permission is not only desirable but necessary before marriage can be considered within God’s will. This position seems unwarranted. The passages used to argue this point are often addressed to tekna (“Children [tekna] obey your parents…” Ephesians 6:1). Surely, although young children should obey their parents, this passage probably is not teaching that we must obey our parents throughout our lives.

Other passages merely call for us to show honor to parents. (See Exodus 20:12.) In any event, whatever obedience may be due to parents by adult Christians is not unconditional but contingent on other factors, as with all obedience to human authority. (Compare Romans 13:1 with Acts 5:29.)

Some atheistic or Muslim parents, for example, would never consent to a Christian marriage. Gaining the approval of parents for marriage plans is a value that we should pursue but is not necessarily a prerequisite for marriage. A new couple will certainly benefit if they find a way to gain their parents’ approval for marriage.

What’s especially unfortunate about this is that they have even more information in this book that could help those who are contemplating marriages as well as those who are married. So, if you’re able to find a copy of this book somewhere we recommend that you get it.

 Print This Page (printer-friendly)