Remind the people… to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and to show true humility toward all men (Titus 3:2).

In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice… Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind (1 Peter 2:11).

The above words are great ones to live by aren’t they? But they sure are difficult to live by — especially when our spouse “pushes just the right buttons” that sets us off into a zone of anger that seems to drive us to say things we shouldn’t. It really comes down to impulse control. We get so angry that we allow ourselves to give into the impulse to hurt them back. And even if we feel our spouse is partly to “blame”—we should also know that we can’t follow our every impulse (no matter who pushes our “buttons”) or this world would be even more chaotic to live in.

The Bible tells us to be careful with our words — not to slander or be inconsiderate or be malicious in the way we say things to each other. There doesn’t seem to be any special clauses written into these warnings which says, if they do something which offends us we have the right to say things in malicious ways. So that means we need to work on controlling the impulse to verbally put each other down. That may take time and a lot of effort. But it’s an effort we need to make.

To help in this battle, we came across an article written by Dr Scott Haltzman. Dr Haltzman doesn’t approach this subject from a biblical standpoint but he makes some good points that you may find helpful. We encourage you to read it prayerfully, asking the Lord to teach you what you need to learn on being careful of how you use and abuse whatever words you say to each other:

WHY DO I VERBALLY PUT DOWN MY SPOUSE? By Dr Scott Haltzman

Q: Anytime I get angry towards my wife, I find myself cutting her down verbally. Can you help me put a stop to it?

A: When a man and woman exchange rings on the altar, they do so with the hopes of a marriage filled with joy and satisfaction. As they turn and walk through the aisle, they anticipate a storybook ending of a life filled with only good things. And for a while, that’s the way things are –then the words fly.

In all relationships, we seek happiness. We often look to our partner as the main conduit to our peace of mind. We figure that if our wife or husband were wise enough, strong enough and resourceful enough, they’d figure out what we need and meet them without hesitation. After all, he or she did that when we were dating, right?

Feeling angry in your marriage is a sign that your needs aren’t being met. You assume that your desires are reasonable and frankly, any reasonable person should be able to meet them. In some cases, you may have a need to be heard. In others, it might be the need for words of support or appreciation. Sometimes you might need physical touch. These are things you can’t give yourself and as far as you’re concerned, if your partner isn’t up to the task, he or she has let you down.

This type of disappointment, especially if it happens repeatedly, leads to resentment. And resentment is the birthplace of anger. As you get more upset, it’s only a matter of time until it affects the way you treat your spouse. Put-downs are an expression of anger. Not only do you hurt your spouse, but being nasty ultimately boomerangs back toward you—you end up feeling ashamed and angry with yourself for your behavior. This starts the cycle all over again: as you feel the anger mounting, you blame your partner for it, leading to more resentment, more anger and more putdowns.

Ironically, when you resort to putting down your mate, you end up getting less of what you want out of the relationship because he or she pulls away. There are ways to stop the cycle of anger and resentment, though:

Adjust Your Expectations: Studies show the happiest couples in marriage go into it with realistic expectations. Anticipating that your partner will meet all of your needs all of the time is a sure way to fuel resentment.

Give: Instead of seeing marriage as a place to get all your needs met, view your relationship as a place where you can learn how to give generously. The odds are, if you selflessly focus your attention on pleasing your partner, over time he or she will work to make you happy.

Demonstrate Compassion: Empathic caring is the antidote for resentment. When you’re filled with nurturing thoughts for your partner, it’s virtually impossible to intentionally hurt him or her. By giving the gift of compassion, you can form stronger bonds and a more loving, life-long connection.

Accept Responsibility: When you lose it and say hurtful things, it’s human nature to blame someone else for “making me feel this way.” You, and only you, are responsible for your actions, and your reactions in marriage. You’ve got the power to make your marriage spectacular; don’t permit yourself to make it anything less than that.

The road from wedding day bliss to long-term happiness has many bumps, but when you treat your partner with compassion and refrain from spitting venom when angry, you’ll make it through the rough times with dignity, respect and a deeper love for each other.

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We hope this helps. Keep in mind what the Bible says and pray that the Lord will remind you of it every time you’re tempted to say what you shouldn’t.

“But I tell you that men will have to give account on the Day of Judgment for every careless word they have spoken. For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned” (Matthew 12:37).

God Bless,
Cindy and Steve Wright

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