Have you ever heard the statement, “You can win the battle but still lose the war?” That’s especially true when it comes to “winning” an argument with your spouse. You may feel like you’ve “won” but when one spouse has to lose, in order for the other spouse to win — both spouse’s have lost in some way.

That’s especially true when the “losing” spouse feels dejected and/or bitter and/or humiliated because of it.

The following is what Dr Paul David Tripp has to say on the subject:

“Winning the war of words involves choosing our words carefully. It is not just about the words we say, but also about the words we choose not to say.

“Winning the war is about being prepared to say the right thing at the right moment, exercising self-control. It is refusing to let our talk be driven by passion and personal desire but communicating instead with God’s purposes in view. It is exercising the faith necessary to be part of what God is doing at that moment.”

Self-control is especially difficult when you are angry with your spouse because you are usually so emotionally tied to what is happening. There is an important point to keep in mind, concerning the war of words and anger,which fuses this war, that Meg Wilson brings out in the great book, “Hope After Betrayal” (Review or Buy This Book Now). She says,

“Anger is complex. It can be used to get others off track because it derails most conversations and puts people on the defensive. And though it’s not the primary emotion, it can take on a life of its own. Anger actually comes out of deeper emotions that are harder to identify and own. Remember, anger is often the result of hurt, embarrassment, or helplessness, but an angry person rarely addresses the core issue. He or she doesn’t see that the boiling geyser really springs from deeper feelings. They only see red.

“God created all of our emotions with purposes. In the same way that pain from touching a hot stove tells us to move our hand, feeling emotional pain should tell us to move. Our anger should be a yellow warning light. Its flashing should cause us to look at our circumstances carefully and make a change or get help. More often, rage is a red light identifying a pending explosion. Taking the warning, getting all the facts, and finding the truth will ensure an appropriate response instead of an inappropriate reaction.

“It’s hard to imagine our being able to think about appropriate responses when we’re so angry we want to explode. What many women don’t realize is that there’s a space between the emotion and the response. I used to say to others, ‘You make me so mad.’ Then I learned the truth. ‘I make me so mad.’ I decide.

“So how do I decide not to be angry? I have to choose to stop. One way is to process my emotions on paper first (then put the paper in the shredder). When I take time out to think through the issue I’m angry over, the pause keeps my feelings from controlling the situation and prevents further damage.

“Another pause is simple as telling the other person, ‘I’ll have to get back to you while I take the time I need to calm down.’ We must be sure to get back, however, and deal with the person — otherwise nothing is resolved. We’ve avoided the anger but found no solution. Replacing one unhealthy response — exploding — with another — avoiding — is not the goal. The goal is to use the space between anger and response for turning to God for guidance.”

The point is, not to turn your anger into a war of words but to grab onto the warning that the situation needs to be resolved in ways that is a “win/win.”

…We’d like for you to prayerfully read something else Dr Tripp has to write on this important subject, and carefully consider its message. It’s posted on the web site of Family Life Today. To read it, please click onto the link provided below:

WAR OF WORDS

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