We Have Different Sex Drives
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The following is an article written by Michele Weiner Davis written in a question/answer format:
Hi Michele:
I’d like to ask your advice about sex. My husband and I have very different sex drives. For him, everyday would be great, and twice a day would be greater. For me, once a week, but to accommodate him, I’d have sex twice a week. I don’t think I’m abnormal, but he asks, “What’s wrong with you?” I say it’s normal for a couple to have sex once or twice a week. He says he doesn’t care about ‘normal’; it’s not enough for him. He has a point, but everyday and even every other day is too much for me. We’ve been married almost 20 years and have both built up a lot of resentment towards each other—he, because of the sex, and me, for a whole lot of other marital problems. Neither of us knows how to solve this problem, but it’s a big one. Signed, K
So, would you like to read Michele’s answer? We will make sure you do, but first we want to let you know that even though the advice Michele gives is not written from a “Christ-follower’s” perspective, we feel it is still very sound and very good. That is why we wanted to include this article on this web site.
Michele Weiner Davis deals with this issue and other similar issues in her book, The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple’s Guide
The scriptural basis we at Marriage Missions see for the advice Michele gave can be found in the Bible in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 where it says:
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone, but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
Now, to read what Michele writes in response to the above question, please click onto her Divorce Busting web site to read:
Michele also has written an article on this subject for the former publication, Marriage Partnership Magazine. In this article, she was asked the following question:
Dear Michele: Please help me. I’m 28, married with a 3-year-old daughter. For the past three years, my wife has avoided being sexual with me. We’ve gone from having sex twice a week to now, if I’m lucky, once a month. I’m miserable and I can’t keep living like this.
For Michele’s answer to this question and others, please click onto the Kyria.com web site to read:
• WHEN YOUR SEX DRIVES DON’T MATCH
As Paul and Lori, who have put together a web site called “The Marriage Bed” write the following that is true in so many ways:
“Some people seem to have a never ending supply of ‘good reasons’ for saying no. None of the reasons seems unfair, but taken as a whole it’s obvious something is wrong. When a constant stream of reasons for not having sex continues for very long, there is some underlying reason for the lack of sex; the reasons given are merely convenient or concocted excuses that hide the real problem. The truth is that we make time and energy for the things which are most important to us, so when we are routinely too busy or too tired for something it suggests that the real issue if more about priorities than time.”
To read more that might help you in this area of your marriage, please go to their web site to read:
Dr Phil McGraw has some advice on this subject as well:
• SEXUAL STYLES THAT DON’T MATCH
Pastor John Piper answers the question:
“How should a husband and wife manage having opposite sex drives?”
The “edited transcript” from an audio address he gave answering this question is as follows (or you can listen to the audio by clicking into the title below):
• How should a husband and wife manage having opposite sex-drives?
Paul addresses this pretty directly in 1 Corinthians 7, in the first paragraph of that chapter, when he says to the Christian husband and wife, “Do not withhold from each other your conjugal rights,” which means sexual intercourse. Do not withhold that.
“Does not the wife’s body belong to the husband? Does not the husband’s body belong to the wife?” Now those are radical and dangerous statements, to say to your wife, “Your body is mine.” What balances it is that she says the same thing, and sometimes “I don’t want your body on my body.”
So what that text says is, “Compete with each other about how to bring the other person joy, to maximize the other person’s gladness and satisfaction.” Now that does not solve the problems, but it gives you an orientation that is so wholesome and so helpful.
It doesn’t solve the problems because, if she says, “I’m too tired for sexual intercourse,” and he is communicating, “It would be really nice right now,” she should give and he should relent. That’s the way it should be. His heart should be, “I’m not going to make you do this, no matter how strong I feel,” and hers should be, “I’m here for you, no matter how tired I am.”
Now, how does that bring a solution? It’s a matter of degrees, I think, and who at that moment is maybe the most sanctified. Who is experiencing the grace to yield?
I just think that we should preach hard to husbands, “Serve her. Don’t manipulate or use her. Don’t turn her into a manikin for masturbation. Don’t treat her that way. She’s a human. You want her all there. You don’t want to use her. You want her there—there, enjoying you. That’s the point of this: mutual consummation, psychologically, spiritually, and now expressed physically.” And those are the best moments of all, when the physical event is the consummation of a spiritual, psychological whole event.
I think we should be preaching to men, “Don’t think of your wife as an instrument to be used for sexual satisfaction. Think of her as a whole person who has her own deep longings and desires. And you want to live in such a way as to draw her in.”
Foreplay begins with whether you’re washing the dishes or not. That’s foreplay. If you help her wash the dishes after supper, if you help her clean up, if you serve this woman —this is about sex, right? Because if she has made a nice supper, and you finish it and go plop yourself on the couch and watch TV for three hours, getting red-hot sexually because you’re watching 50 sexually-stimulating advertisements, and then at 10:30 say, “I’m ready!” she’s not going to be ready! That’s ridiculous.
So what I’m saying is that spouses manage their different sex drives by loving each other like they love themselves. They should not be demanding, but should each try to serve the other. And they meet somewhere in the middle in a way that both of them perceive the other wants the good of the other. Neither feels used by the other.
And the wife—I’m going to use her as the example, because it is more typical that the wife has less desire for sex than the husband (though that’s not universally true)—she will want to accommodate his stronger desires. And he will want to avoid giving the impression that she is only there for his sexual satisfaction. And they’ll find a way in the middle, as Christ gives them grace and humility.
Does it make a difference if one partner’s lack of sexual drive is from a medical condition?
Well, I’m sure it makes a difference. And I think that what the man or the woman would want to do is to come alongside the partner who has the medical condition and empathize and say, “What’s it like?” and then work at it.
I know a couple where sexual intercourse is painful for the woman. And it’s not clear that the reason is entirely physical or whether there are psychological components.
I know another situation that ended in divorce. I did the marriage, and I was just heart-broken. Nobody at Bethlehem knows who this is anymore. As soon as this couple got married it emerged that she thought sex was filthy. Her mother had drilled into her—and she had seen it in her parents’ relationship—that to have sex is to do a dirty thing. And therefore she was constantly pulling away and felt like his desires were unclean desires. And that never got fixed. They broke up. I couldn’t provide the help that they needed. She was deeply deeply wrong about that, and deeply wounded by her background and maybe other things.
So I know that physical and psychological things, not just different sexual drives, do make things extremely difficult. And I would say that it calls for a lot of patient loving care so that the person who has the condition feels understood and listened to, so that you’re not just saying, “Get yourself fixed, because that’s what my marriage is supposed to be.” Rather you should come alongside and do whatever medically or psychologically can be done in order to find a pattern that is workable.
There aren’t any ideal sexual experiences in the world, I don’t think. Every woman probably has a picture in her mind of what she would or wouldn’t like. And every man has a picture in his mind. And they’re never identical. Maybe once in a thousand you would say, “This marriage represents her receiving and giving exactly she wants, and him receiving and giving exactly what he wants. They’re always in total harmony all the time.” That just never happens virtually, which means that marriage is a test case for sanctification and for self-denial. And it works both ways.
The above transcript come from: John Piper. © Desiring God. Website: DesiringGod.org
If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
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(UNITED STATES OF AMERICA) I am in just the opposite situation as K. I am 33 years old and my husband is 38. He seems to have lost his drive. I am getting discouraged and slightly irratated. When we do have sex it may last 10 minutes. What should I do?
(USA) I too am a wife of a man who has almost no sex drive. We have been married for 7 years, was separated for 2 months in 2004 and then separated again since November of 2007. Although this is not the main issue at hand, it certainly has been an issue in the past, but due to other underlying issues, this took the back burner. I have in the past (the beginning) tried to talk about this issue, only for it to backfire. I simply have compromised so much that I am lucky if my husband and I were to make love once every two months. Obviously I felt and still do, feel rejected, undesired or unwanted. He seems to not be bothered either way.
When we do have sex, it is short and always exactly the same position. No talking, etc…I am not willing to open myself up to someone who has for years, belittled me, criticized me and attacked me in many ways. I am working very hard trying to increase my faith and working on my marriage, but we are 8 months later, still separated, and I am not too sure God wants us together.
(USA) You guys don’t seem to understand what it is like to having a guy HOUND you for sex every single day, multiple times a day. My husband is not a Christian. He is into porn. I know he looks at it, I know he masturbates to it. I have had to clean up the mess only to be told I wasn’t cleaning up what I knew I was cleaning up. He works at a large nightclub in a large city and comes home at 4am talking about large body parts on women he saw. How hot this one is, and that one is.
I am supposed to be okay with this because I am prettier than anyone else. He may only work at the club a couple times a month so to focus on that would be unfair. But since I have known him, it took me 6 years to break him of the habit of grabbing my crotch and breasts in public. He thinks it is normal, I think he is trying to degrade me. He wants to french kiss in public and gets mad when I won’t. I don’t want my intimacy displayed to the world, he thinks I am a prude. I have to have sex with him every day, whether I want to or not. I have been faking it for years. We have a ton of problems in the marriage but if I had to pick one thing that has caused most of my resentment – it is the way he has treated me like an object and then tells me I am crazy for feeling that way.
This morning, after we had begun, he started to get nasty with me (rude) because I wasn’t into it. For the first time in 9 years I just said "that’s it. no more" and got up. He was very angry and I don’t care. I am not going to be talked to like that right in the middle of it! I really don’t want to be with him anymore. I love and care about him as a person but I just think he doesn’t see me as a human being at all.
Now, I don’t even want him to touch me. He keeps trying to connect with sex and I don’t want him to touch me. He is also very selfish, never does what I ask for. I haven’t gotten what I want sexually in years. And he throws my stupid past in my face when he wants to save his. I say #1 – you knew about this so why did you marry me? #2 – God forgave me for this so I am NOT answering to you about it. And I walk away.
So here is my point and you don’t even have to post this message.
You can’t just assume this woman is not having sex with her husband enough. There is so much more to it than that whether you married a believer or not.
You may be uncomfortable having the discussion but that woman sounded
trapped and desperate in her life. Do you know what it is like to fight for privacy and peace every single day? And then feel guilty because society says we are supposed to "take care" of our man? I have enjoyed a lot from this website. This page is not one that I have enjoyed.
I am very grateful that although I still haven’t figured out God’s position on this – you guys are wrong. I know in my heart that you guys are wrong. You should probably apologize to that poor girl.
(UNITED STATES) This is to “Jan, 17 April 2009 at 12:39 pm.” Firstly I want to make it clear that I AM NOT MARRIED YET. Though I plan to propose to a very special woman in the next 5-6 Months (or less if it is in God’s will). Oh, and a bit more about me, I am 25. I am reading my Bible daily and preparing for marriage, and allowing the Lord to make me a better man than I have ever been without him.
You cannot say that what the authors of this page write are simply wrong because you know it in your heart. Don’t trust me on this but read “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?” Jeremiah 17:9 “KJV. Our hearts tell us lies all the time, things that we like and want to hear, but we have to stay in our word Act 17:11, “So that you may know the truth and when and when not to trust the heart. The Lord knows our heart and desires, but sometimes and a lot of times we are unsure.”
What this article plainly describes is the basis. However, it left things out that it cannot fix such as personal counseling for the two. This page explains LOVE, REAL LOVE, which I don’t read either person in this marriage showing it truly (and I’m not just talking about sex). Please read 1 Corinthians 13:4-13. Also Read Ephesians 4:22-32, 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 (please read all of that but focus on 1-5), and also Ephesians 4:2-3…
Those things go both ways. So NO, and ABSOLUTELY NOT am I condoning what your husband is doing to you. IT IS WRONG. It seems as though you have married an unequally yoked person. However, please stay with that man and pray heavily for him. Remember that he is made holy because of you (1 Corinthians 7:13-14). It sounds to me that your husband is being very selfish and only concerned about his own needs. He has very lustful eyes for other women, which is all wrong. He should only desire you and put his mind on God and you daily. He should be compassionate to your needs and wants (sexual and other personal things) Colossians 3:19. I am sorry for you and I will say a prayer for you. I know this post is years from when you posted but I hope you are still together and have worked it out. I also hope this post will help any other person that is still reading it today.
I agree with the author 100% because of the Bible verses and that alone. Your body is not your own after marriage but your husbands and vice versa. However, I highly disagree with how he is treating you, but you have to stay faithful always and give thanks, for the situation is hard but making you stronger (Ephesians 5:20). I know your situation is hard and I feel for you (Romans 12:9-21). Your husband also should not be touching you that way in public (Proverbs 15-23). He should save that kind of intimacy for private times in the marriage bedroom or at least your home. Those kinds of things are things that cause others to stumble (Romans 14:13-23). Kissing is something that “I” see as harmless in public (1 Corinthians 10:23-33), however since you have stated to him that you don’t like it, he should respect you (read again romans 14) and wait till you get home.
As for the person who wrote to Michelle, I want to point out something that she said: We’ve been married almost 20 years and have both built up a lot of resentment towards each other —he, because of the sex, and me, for a whole lot of other marital problems.
Firstly, I want to say that him responding to his WIFE about something HE wants in the manor of: “What’s wrong with you?” is NOT in any way compassionate and gentle to her needs. That is selfish and may have hurt her feelings which is wrong. Again, (Colossians 3:19) “Husbands, love your wives, and do NOT be HARSH with them”. What he said to her is HARSH and cannot be put any other way. It makes her feel like its her fault and she is abnormal. Men need to realize that every woman is not the same, and the same goes for women. Just because we have heard about men having high sex drives and women low, doesn’t mean it is accurate notation for who you are with. Also the Bible says her body is not her own but her husbands, also that you become ONE flesh. SO, MEN, to me if your wife doesn’t want to, you should stop and evaluate if YOU have done something wrong. She is you, and if she doesn’t and you do, question yourself FIRST and then her. Same goes for women.
Now back to what I pointed out, the woman said: “he, because of the sex, and me, for a whole lot of other marital problems.” It sounds to me that HE IS WRONG TOO. Now like they wrote above “she should give and he should relent, that’s the way it should be.” BUT… the husband needs to realize that if his wife has other needs and problems that are bothering her are not being well kept he needs to take care of her in ALL WAYS, NOT JUST SEXUAL (1 Timothy 3:1-7). He needs to be a good overseer. If your wife says there are a lot of other problems and you only focus on your wants, YOUR NEEDS (ie sex), and are the only ones to be dealt with, then you sir are being SELFISH, and not loving your wife unconditionally. Like the authur later said: “Don’t think of your wife as an instrument to be used for sexual satisfaction. Think of her as a whole person who has her own deep longings and desires. And you want to live in such a way as to draw her in.”
Your wives are supposed to submit to you and be good helpers. Yes, I know as a man there are TONS of sexual temptations that we see when we step out into the world. So when you get back and all through the day you should desire your wife (Proverbs 5:19), “Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight”. However, make sure she’s satisfied well beyond sexual needs “He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it” (Ephesians 5:28-30). It also says in that chapter that you HUSBANDS should wash their wives in the word. So read the Bible to her and with her, spend time with her (outside the marriage bed), talk to her about her day, hold her non-sexually, and love her as JESUS did the church… UNCONDITIONALLY. As a last note, caps mean that I wanted those specific words to stand out.
One last thing. The only reason two married people should abstain from sex is to read the word of the Lord, however even then the Bible says do it for an agreed time. I understand if it is for a medical reason, or even if one is tired some TIMES. However, being deprived for a month is quite long, but that is something that needs to be discussed among the two, seeing as the time would be different from every couple. 1 Corinthians 7:5
You should only deprive each other from one another for a LIMITED TIME. You don’t want the devil trying to use that time away from one another to present them with adultery with another person (physically or through pornography), depression, anger, sadness… etc. May God bless you all! -Kuran
(USA) I have tried all of this advice – and it did not work for me. I have been married for 22 years. My husband and I are both believers. We have had the same issue for the last 15 years or so. He demands sex whenever he wants it. I have been forced to perform a sex act while driving in the car on the highway, in the laundry room while dinner guests are a room away, have been made late to many an ocassion because he demands it. He uses scripture to justify this (the same scriptures you cited). He needs his physical release to deal with the world (he says). This is my responsibility has his wife to fulfill this need for him, and as a Christian wife I cannot deny him. He also does not want to wonder if I will be in the mood or not – so we have to have sex on his schedule: every 48 hours, between the hours of 6:30 and 10 pm.
I have been in scripture and prayer, and decided to just “give” and go along with this – even with a good attitude. But after months (and years) I just feel used and like trash. He is NOT more attentive to my needs in any way, shape or form. He just thinks I enjoy his “routine” and feels like he can then demand more. If I am not in the mood, I just give him a hand job -he actually prefers this, because he doesn’t have to bother with me. He asks for this. He has made me feel that something is wrong with me -but I have read 5 Christian-based sex books and have found that it is not me!
So, your “promise” that being more receptive to your man in your suggested ways will solve this issue is certainly NOT TRUE.
(UK) This is terrible, more or less saying that this poor woman has to change her attitude. I am with someone like her and am sick and tired of hearing how selfish I am (according to him), how I am a ‘prude’ how there is something WRONG with ME, how I need to get my act together.
I masturbate him because I don’t want to have sex with him. He knows I don’t want to and knows I don’t want to masturbate him yet he still will lie there while I do it. I’m absolutely at my wits end and feel so lonely. I googled to see if there was anything out there that could help me. This article just makes me feel worse.
(USA) I totally agree and understand what Pam wrote in saying. I too have tried to be submissive and give whenever he wants it. My husband did not become more attentive to my needs at all. He would still be hateful, moody and selfish. Reading this article made me feel sick because it doesn’t work with all men and is wrong to suggest as a “cure-all”. My husband expects it every other day at least and if it doesn’t happen, then he becomes unbearable to be around. He withdraws from me and the children and is hateful when spoken to. He can completely ignore all of us. His behavior disgusts me and being in the same room with him is difficult. The thought of having sex with him makes me feel nauseated. I have actually cried during sex because of his behavior. I feel used, like I have to feelings. Please reconsider this advice. We’ve been married 14 years, if he doesn’t agree to counseling, our marriage won’t last much longer.
(USA) hey I am a 22 year old male with an extremely high sex drive and my girl is 21 and has an average sex drive. I could easily have sex 2-3 times a day she would be good with 1-2 times a week. I love her very much and I do not want my sexual desire to ruin our relationship. so what I am asking is I see you put up five things for a female with low sex drive to do to help a male with high sex drive, but where is the five things a male with high sex drive to help out a female with low sex drive?
Hi Devin, Our aim isn’t to “even things out” as far as posting the same amount of articles for men as well as for women who are struggling over certain issues. We aim to post all that we can which concerns situations which effect marriages. If we found more articles (that we would be allowed to post) to address wives on this issue, we certainly would post them. We’re continually looking. Thanks for asking.
(USA) Well then, let me rephrase my question what are some things that I could do that would help the above steps?
Hi Devin, I re-worked the article so that it now includes links to additional web site articles that anyone can click onto so they can read for additional advice. I need to tell you that Steve and I are not marriage counselors, we’re marriage educators, so we aren’t qualified to give you much advice concerning this area of marriage. That’s one of the reasons why we post articles that other “experts” have written. We can help with some things, but mostly, we try to find “the best of” advice and resources we can recommend and hope it will be a good starting place to direct those that need help, to get it.
Also, please know that we post articles on sexual issues, as it pertains to marriage — particularly Christian marriage. That’s the “mission” we feel that God has given us in which we are able to participate with Him. I realize that this is not where you are coming from, but that is where we are. So that is the help we try to give.
When a couple is married, we believe they enter into a covenant that essentially says, “From this day forward, we will work alongside each other to overcome any obstacle that comes our way, with God’s direction and help.” “We will partner together in love and fellowship and perseverance to help each other be all God created them to be.” The Bible says that “what God has put together, let no man tear apart.” So, whether it is by someone else’s hand or ours, with all that is within our power, we are not supposed to allow that to happen. Tragically, there are some circumstances where one partner is not able to hold the marriage together because the other has broken covenant and has torn it apart.
But to the degree that BOTH partners are willing (& they should both be willing if they enter into a covenant agreement), they are to work on whatever problems they encounter, to help their marriage and their partnership be the best it can be. Sexual issues are not insurmountable if both are willing to work on their issues with God’s help. We’ve seen that which seems impossible overcome by 2 willing hearts and perseverance that doesn’t give up. I wish you well Devin. I hope this clears up some things.
(USA) Thanks that helps.
(USA) Take what you want and leave the rest, that is how I take any advice. I love this site, thank you!
(UNITED STATES) As a Christian man and loving husband I applaud all wives who say NO. If your husband has not come to you in a Christ like manner with love in his heart and the desire to only please you then you should REFUSE to give him sex. Sex is the most beautiful gift from God that a couple share. It is the most intimate way to share love. Love is not sex. Love is caring, respect, faithfulness, selflessness, servitude, and wanting the best for the OTHER person. Man should want his wife to “submit” to his animal desires for himself.
If a woman does not feel loved, she will not want sex. If a woman feels truly loved and secure, she will desire to do want best for the OTHER person. I think a true Christian man would look to himself first if his wife refuses. Ask himself “what have I done to make my wife feel unloved?”. There have been many times I have had to ask humble forgiveness from my wife.
After 32 years of marriage, I still honor and love my wife. The Lord is the Light of Life and she is heaven on earth.
Ronald, While I agree with most of what you’ve written in the last few comments and I love the fact that you honor and love your wife, please understand that sometimes the reason many wives say no, is simply because they aren’t interested. They have no interest in having sex or making love, so they say no, whether the husband wants and yearns for that connection or not. And sometimes they receive GREAT love from their husbands in many different ways, but still, they aren’t interested and so they either “give in” once in a while –which hurts the husband also, because he wants to make love to his wife more than once or twice a year, or they shut down in that area of their marriage for years and years. This is horribly difficult for the husband.
And some women have been sexually hurt by someone in their past and they shut down from their husband sexually, no matter how much he tries to be sensitive and helpful, and begs her to go to a counselor, and such. The wife decides the work would be too painful and they won’t do anything to change that. This will go on for years and years and years and no change happens at all. The husband’s love-making needs to be close to his wife in that way is totally disregarded and dismissed. And even though I totally understand (having been there myself in the past), there comes a time when the wife needs to get help, if for no other reason than for her own peace of mind and also to stop allowing the “crimes of the past” to keep victimizing her and now her husband. The husband didn’t do the assaulting, but he is also a victim here. Some wives don’t often recognize this. (This is true of some husbands too.)
I’m not saying these are always the situations. Sometimes the husband is a narcissistic, clueless oaf in and beyond the bedroom. And sometimes the wife is one. I just want to give voice to those who ARE doing what you suggest and yet it doesn’t change things at all. It’s like what James Dobson said, “The one who wants it the least often has the most power in bed (sometimes it’s the other way around, but not as often, from what we’re finding). There’s a lot of selfishness, which sometimes goes on in the marital bed. It shouldn’t be, but it’s happening.
Please read through the following articles plus the comments below them, “How Much Sex Is Normal” and also “To Wives: Why Is Sex So Important.” There you will see that some men ARE doing what you suggest (and more) but it doesn’t matter. And there are many women who are going more than the extra mile, but it doesn’t matter. Selfishness is prevalent, where sometimes it’s the husband and sometimes it’s the wife. I’m so glad you and your wife have worked it out, as my husband and I have, but many are going the extra mile for pure reasons and still it doesn’t matter to the other spouse. So sad.