“Do I model the kind of behavior I want from my Life Mate in marriage or do I model the kind I would expect from an enemy?” (Dr David and Janet Congo)

That’s a good question isn’t it? We usually think we’re the “good spouse” — the one who’s most committed to making our relationship the best it can be, but are we really? If we took a moment to look behind our spouse’s eyes, what would we truly see? What does God see when He sees how we interact with our spouse?

Too often we go into marriage saying the vows to commit us to marriage, but then we keep living our lives as opposing individuals, caught up in our own “stuff” without considering the damage it’s doing to us as a marital team. How much this must break God’s heart to see this!

We need to be committed to each other as life mates, but also be committed to being part of a team for God! To do that we need to be responsible for changing that which tears against the partnership we are supposed to live out. “Blaming, fixing, changing, and punishing our marital life mate” is not something we’re responsible for doing. We’re to “make it our personal responsibility to grow” and live out our values even if our life mates aren’t doing the same. If we’re angry, we need to own it as our own problem, and ask, ‘What do I need to do to work this through?”

Last week we asked the question, “What is it Like to Be Married to You?” We received an over-whelming response by many of you who felt convicted by the Holy Spirit and are now working to change your own behavior.

This week we’d like to challenge you again from something David and Jan Congo wrote in their book, One Good Year published by Life Journey. It’s aimed to help us once again work on that which we CAN change — our own behavior in the partnership. The question posed is “What is it like to be in a relationship with me?”

Listed below are “tendencies that affect the way we relate to our partners.” Honestly ask yourself, “Which of these apply to me?” We’ve added a few thoughts which we’ve enclosed in [brackets] for you to consider:

• Am I too easily hurt?

• Do I like things done “just so”? Is it difficult for me to accept a different way?

[We're supposed to work together a "team" —both contributing something to the partnership, remember? If we're too caught up in wanting things to be the way we think they should be done, our spouse could feel left out of the relationship and inadequate or feel like they're constantly being "inspected" by a boss who is actually supposed to be their partner.]

• Is it hard for me to delegate responsibility to someone else?

• Am I afraid of too much closeness or dependency?

• Do I fear abandonment?

[In this case, is this fear unfounded? Am I so terrified of being abandoned that I give into demands or wrongful behavior that tears against being Godly partners? Am I forgetting that God is also partner within this marriage and He "will never leave me or forsake me?"]

• Do I find myself easily jealous [when I really shouldn't have reason to be]?

• Do I often feel neglected?

[Am I so cleaved to my spouse that he/she feels they have no breathing space —that you have no interests or identity apart from him/her? It's sometimes good to do things with friends who are healthy so you can grow as a man or woman of God.]

• Do I protect my marital life mate from the consequence of his or her actions?

• Do I ever begin conversations with “If you really loved me…?

[This can be a way of manipulating our spouse. Check your motives when you say that.]

• Do I constantly put the happiness of others before my own and before my spouse?

• Am I very sensitive to criticism?

• Do I get impatient easily? Do I get an edge in my voice when I think my spouse should already know something he or she is asking me? [Patience is a virtue.]

• Do I have a tough time relaxing until everything on my “To Do” list is accomplished? Am I a bit compulsive?

• Do I often feel as if I am being “controlled” [beyond what is actually the case]?

• Do I take on too much responsibility?

[A great rule: "If you're too busy to be kind, you're too busy." Realize that just because you CAN do something, it doesn't mean you should .]

• Do I often feel overwhelmed? Do I get tense or “hysterical” when I feel overextended?

• Do I become anxious abut decisions? Do I revisit decisions multiple times after I have made them?

• Do I struggle over things for a long time prior to expressing them?

• Do I give unasked for lectures and advice for what I consider to be my husband/wife’s good?

[This sometimes prompts our spouse to avoid letting us find out about something that would upset us because they want to spare themselves the lecture. We may have a tendency to forget that we aren't our spouse's Holy Spirit.

Every piece of advice doesn't need to come from our lips. We can "elbow out" room for the Holy Spirit to work when we aren't sensitive to the Lord's leading us to "be still and know that He is God."]

• Would I describe myself as stubborn?

[Godly stubbornness is good. But it's important to know when we're being just plain obstinate.]

• Do I have a tough time admitting when I am wrong?

Take this list to your support people. Chose one tendency. Why do you think that habit got established in your lifestyle? How would your marital relationship be affected if you moved against this habitual tendency?

[Pray together about changing what needs to be changed.]

We are to carry our own crosses on a daily basis (Luke 9:23), yet we are to help each other when the burdens of life become overwhelming (Galatians 6:2-5). When we depend on our spouses to carry our crosses rather than theirs, we are dependent in an unhealthy way. When we depend on them to do something for us that we need to be doing for ourselves in order to grow into maturity, we become a heavy weight to them.

For instance, if I am depending on my life mate to make me feel happy or good about myself, I will always be upset at my life mate’s inadequacy. And my life mate will be overwhelmed by my neediness.

We pray this will give you a lot of “food for thought” and that God will bless you, as together we work to make our marital partnerships the best they can be!

God Bless!
Steve and Cindy Wright