Before we go into the article concerning “What Every Husband Should Know About His Wife”, we have a You Tube comedy music link for you titled, “Things You Don’t Say to Your Wife.” It’s pretty good advice (and funny too)!
Please click onto the following link to enjoy:
And now for the article:
What Every Husband Should Know About His Wife:
Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis, said, “Despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, I have not yet been able to answer the great question: What does a woman want?”
Well, Freud, may not have been able to identify the deepest needs of women, but modern research has. A wife’s most basic needs in marriage are: (1) to be cherished, (2) to be known and (3) to be respected.
• She Needs to be Cherished
“I can’t understand it, Doc.” Doug was talking before he even sat down in my counseling office. “Lisa has everything she could possibly need. She doesn’t have to work, she buys lots of clothes, we live in a great place, we take wonderful vacations, I’m faithful—but she’s miserable.” Doug shook his head and said, “I just don’t get it.”
We talked a bit more about his seven-year marriage and how he tried to express his love for Lisa. “I’m not the talkative type, Doc,” he said. “I show my love by providing the very best I can for her.” This poor husband didn’t realize that his love-starved wife would have traded all the clothes and vacations in the world for a little tenderness from him.
Without meaning to, a husband can completely miss one of his wife’s most important needs: to be cherished. This need is too often overlooked by husbands because we don’t feel the need for it as deeply as women do. But that doesn’t discount its validity. Your wife needs to be cherished.
She needs to know she is number one in your life. If it came down to an evening with your buddies or a night with your wife, she needs to know you would choose her—not because you have to, but because you want to.
What can you do to cherish your wife?
Consider how often you say, “I love you.”
Some men don’t feel the need to say it with words, but every wife has an insatiable need to hear it. Your wife also needs evidence that you are thinking about her during your day. A small gift or a quick phone call to say, “You are on my mind,” can mean the world to her.
As a man, you probably have no idea of the effect you can have on your wife by being gentle and tender, making her feel cared for.
…Does cherishing your wife mean sacrificing golf games, success at work, or nights out with the boys? Believe it or not, the answer is no. When your wife is satisfied in knowing that she takes first place in your life, when she knows she is the most important thing in the world to you, she will encourage you to do the things you enjoy. It is part of the mystery of marriage: When a woman is truly, genuinely cherished, she feels free to encourage her husband’s independence.
Before Doug learned to cherish Lisa, she would complain about his fishing trips. In fact, Lisa wanted a separation because “standing by a lake was more important to Doug than I was.” But once Doug genuinely made Lisa number one, once he began to express true tenderness, Lisa pleasantly shocked him: “I’ll cover for you at the meeting next Thursday so you can get an early start on your fishing trip if you want.” Lisa made this offer because she now felt secure in her position of importance.
“To love and to cherish” is more than a phrase from your wedding vows. It is one of the most important needs your wife will ever have. By meeting it, you are sure to build a partnership that brings you both pleasure…
• She Needs to be Known
For a woman, being understood means having her feelings validated and accepted. That’s not as easy as it sounds. I’m a psychologist. I often spend my day doing just that with my clients. I know how to empathize with a person’s pain, to feel his feelings and convey understanding. But when it comes to my marriage, something makes me want to solve Leslie’s problems instead of understand them.
She will tell me about something and I will passively listen until I have heard enough and then, as if to say I’m ready to move on to other things, I will offer advice. I’ll lecture instead of listen. To this day, it often takes every ounce of self-control I can muster to bite my tongue and actively listen.
At least I’m not alone. Consider this fact: Men say three times as many words in public as they do in private, while women say three times as many words in private as they do in public. Women like to match experiences, to draw one another out, to volley in conversations. But when it comes to talking to their husbands, many women feel like the wife who told me, “Talking to my husband is like playing tennis with no one in the other court.”
To meet your wife’s important need to be known, you need to actively listen to her, reflecting back to her what she is saying and feeling, and genuinely wanting to understand her. This point cannot be overemphasized: Women need to have their feelings validated and accepted. They need to have you see and experience the world the way they do, instead of explaining to them why they shouldn’t see it that way.
Men have a tough time realizing that offering a listening ear is all a woman needs at times —or a comforting hug, a loving statement like “You are hurting, aren’t you?” or “You are under a lot of pressure, aren’t you?” Listening to your wife talk without offering quick solutions is the only way to meet her need to be known.
• She Needs to be Respected
Men are usually quite unaware of how much women need to be respected. Why? Because when men are not respected they react very differently. A man who doesn’t feel respected, for example, is apt to become self-righteous and indignant. He feels even more worthy of respect when others don’t respect him. He may even give less until he gets what he feels he deserves.
Women operate differently—when they are not respected they feel insecure and lose their sense of self. That is why it is so vital for you to take special care of your partner’s need for respect.
There are a number of ways to show respect to your wife. To begin with, do not try to change or manipulate her, but rather, honor her needs, wishes, values, and rights. I know a woman who, because of her upbringing, valued the tradition of having her door opened for her by her husband. She knew the custom was kind of old-fashioned, but it meant a lot to her, and she asked her husband to do it.
Her husband never took her request seriously. “You’re kidding, right?” he’d say. “Nobody does that anymore. That’s why we’ve got power locks on the car.” By laughing off his wife’s request, this husband weakened his opportunity to meet one of his wife’s deepest needs—to be respected.
Respecting your wife also mean including her in decisions. I am always amazed when I find a husband who wields all the power in a marriage and makes all the decisions, regardless of what his wife thinks. I have known men who will make decisions about relocating to a new job in another part of the country without even consulting their wives. I don’t know of a quicker way to tear down a woman’s sense of self and ruin the possibility of a happy marriage.
Build your wife’s self-esteem and sense of security by asking for her input whenever you can, even on the small things. When you make a decision that might affect her, say: “I’m thinking about.What do you think of that?” or “I’m thinking we should.What would you like?”
Respect says, “I support you, you are valuable to me, and you don’t have to be any different from who you are.” In return for this respect a woman will be able to relax. She will not have a compulsive need to prove herself as an equal, but will automatically feel and be equal. What a wonderful way to live with a woman.
The above article is written by Les Parrott and comes from the book, Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, by Dr. Les Parrott and Dr. Leslie Parrott www.realrelationships.com, published by Zondervan Publishing. As psychologist (Les) and marriage and family therapist (Leslie) who counsel hundreds of married couples, they have “learned that living happily ever after is less a mystery than a mastery of certain skills. Although married life will always have its difficulties, you will steadily and dramatically improve your relationship by mastering certain life skills.”
They’ve also written two workbooks as companions to this book, one for the man and one for the woman. “The twenty-one self-tests in the workbooks will help you and your partner put into action what is taught in this book. As an additional help, they have provided questions for reflection at the end of each chapter that are suitable as discussion starters for couples or small groups. Finally, if you would like to bring this program to your church or small group setting, a video curriculum is available, also entitled, Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts.
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(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi Thanx for the great article. It is worth reading however my question is as follows: I have a wife, whom when I engage in talks, immediately is defensive and sees what I don’t say in a statement. When invited for comment she keeps quiet most of the time. How do you deal with such a person?
(JAMAICA) I really love this site. It really teaches me how to know my husband much better, but my question is how do you get your spouse to stop lying to you?
(SINGAPORE) Does cherish and love mean doing everything that she wants? While trying to understand the spouse and yielding to her needs, are we saying that we give in to all things?
(ZAMBIA) I concur with Alecia of Jamaica. Really, how would you stop your husband from lying? My husband of 7 years lies just about everything. He would be in the house and when someone is looking for him. He tells me to cover for him and tell them he is not around. He would bring in a new item and tell me his brother gave it to him. When I confront the brother he would say he did not give my husband anything. At some point we had an argument and when I tried to call his big brother, he told me that his brother would not listen to me as he does not like me, which was not true either. He lies about calls on his cell phone. He just lies all the time and it has been very difficult to trust whatever he says.
Can someone advice us on how to deal with such a husband? I do not want to disrespect him but, marriage built on mistrust is not good either.
(USA) Is any one still active on this discussion? Eric, no, it does not mean giving up everything you want. What it means is that a woman needs (can’t stress that word enough) to feel validated by her husband. She needs to believe that you would rather be with her than anywhere else in the world.
If she believes that, she will never give you flack for wanting to hang with your friends. But if your attitude consistently sends the message that she’s just a fill in and your real companionship comes from your friends then yeah, she will have attitude. Have you learned that a touch is like gold to a woman? Not just when you think it is leading to sex?
Most men will say I tried that. For how long? If you’ve emotionally neglected your wife for years, a random touch or two is not going to fire her up too much. She expects disappointment whether she realizes it or not. By the way, a back rub for the sake of a back rub, is a wonderful treat when its not used as foreplay.
An acknowledgment for a good idea, or that she may have some valuable, intelligent input on a given subject is good as well. Do you give your wife credit where credit is due? When one of your friends say’s, “Hey man, that really worked, good idea”, do you just take it as your due or do you say, “Man, my wife thought that up. Isn’t that cool?” Let her hear you compliment her.
Do you really care how she spends her days or are you just happy your needs are met and she isn’t a harpy? Do you listen when she talks or do you have her frequency and have it tuned out? A woman who has an active, intelligent mind and has committed herself to you is a true treasure. Are you appreciating her qualities as much with her as your wife, as you would the same traits in a co-worker?
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi, My husband has totally changed from what I knew. There is this woman whom he calls his friend and the woman has just lost her husband (died). I really do not understand their connection. My husband tells me he is helping this woman because they have been friends long before me. He is assisting him with the finances.
I’m totally not comfortable. I don’t know if I’m overreacting but lately she is driving my husband’s car without anyone notifying or giving consent. In fact I feel like a trophy in this relationship because nothing is being discussed with me. All he says is I should learn to trust him because there is nothing happening between the two of them.
(USA) Well.. this might be a unique situation.. but I feel my roles in my marriage are reversed. I cherish my wife, tell her I LOVE YOU almost every day. I am sensitive to her conditions and emotions, and put her first most of the time. She isn’t the dominate "pant-wearer" in the marriage… but how I feel about things is that EVERYTHING it says a man ISN’T to his wife… well I do all those things but she is unresponsive.
She doesn’t care for romantic things when I (used) to try them. She isn’t the touchy/feely type (as am I). I try taking her on dates but she doesn’t want to do more than go to a movie and dinner. I have been married 21 years now and have 4 children. OK… so what am I suppose to do?? I feel if I ask her to change her ways to fit mine, that I am asking her to love me when I think that these are natural things that exist in a happy, loving marriage.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I suspect that your wife has a REAL problem which she is carrying with her from before you were married – childhood or past relationship trauma. I have the same problem with my husband, he simply can’t see past his own demons. I think your wife needs counselling and prayer to be set free from her past.
(KENYA) An excellent article. I see my weakness in appreciating my wife. I will benefit from the article; but my question is, at what point does my wife listen as well? My wife will also interject before I complete speaking.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I think this is a situation of ‘habitual response’ – it took you guys a long time to get to this stage and type of response to each other and it’s gonna take a while to get to where you should be. There is no such thing as a quick fix. You should see if you can get her to read Gary Chapman’s book “Now You’re Speaking My Language” – It’s brilliant!
(CANADA) I am married to a man who lives in the United States and me in Canada and he could be with me and work from home but chooses to live there because he can’t leave his past and come to live with me. He is still taking care of his previous family. We were going out for 6 years before we married. His kids will not meet me or have anything to do with me and he will not stand up to them.
I went to live with him in the states for 8 months but he didn’t show me he cherished or took care of me or helped me get a job. Now I am in Canada and working in a great job and he wants me to quit and move back there with him, but I don’t think our marriage is strong enough. It is all about him and his kids who are now young adults.
I feel my life is on hold and would like to get some answers on how to handle this. I don’t know why he married me if we are to live in separate countries. I feel every day that I should end this and move on. I wish I had the answers because I have to get off this merry-go-round. Please help me before I go crazy because I think he or me needs a wake up call. I want to leave but can’t get the courage to do it.
(UNITED STATES) Well, I’m sorry you’re going through your situation. It sounds like but my husband is in your house. I say give it to God. I think that if you marry (true love is eternal), hope it works out.
(INDIA) It isn’t as simple as Phil makes it appear. A woman is great till you marry her. Then her real self takes over. It depends on the parenting, environment in childhood, presence or absence of emotional abuse and religious beliefs that make her real self.
What a wife wants could vary from what Phil has written in the article on one end to psychiatric advice on the other end of the spectrum.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I think it IS that simple – I think WE make it more complicated by not allowing God to set us free in all those areas you (Ma) mention and then using them as excuses to not work hard on our marriages. OBVIOUSLY where there is an actually psychiatric problem, some medical assistance is neccessary, but unless you’re certifiably nuts, Phil’s commentary is EXCELLENT as a guideline to get our marriages on track.
(US) I’m in ministry — my wife is an ideal “worker” but a difficult wife. If I WASN’T in ministry I wouldn’t still be with her! She’s a perfectionist who is critical and demanding. Recently she started timing my sermons. I really don’t like her at all and the only motivating “love” I feel is habit (over 25 yrs).
Cherishing her means my desk is never cluttered and I do all things according to her detailed demands. I think if something happened to her I’d have a hard time faking mourning. I will probably regret posting this and never appear on this site again. But in this moment it feels good to say it. She makes me feel empty.
(KENYA) I feel so uplifted by this website. I have a husband (not sure if I should call him that because we got a marriage certificate just so that we could process his visa. We have never introduced each other to our families even after 10 years of dating). Our plan was that he joins us abroad then we can get introduced to our families and even have a wedding. We had been separated by distance for 5 years but then 2 years ago I helped him move to where our son and I live so that we could be together as a family. Ever since he set foot here, it’s been constant arguing and fighting and blaming me and forcing me to accept that I lied about my past (I didn’t lie and I will never trade the truth for a lie).
Sometime in May this year, we had a very bad argument and I went for the knife. I was determined to harm him. Since then, we separated because I started thinking of injuring him seriously. Since he moved, things have been better. I stay with my son and he comes to visit us whenever he can. Initially it was on a daily basis but now it reduced to once a month or so. We had agreed that I take care of our son and he pays for all the schooling.
In August, he initially refused to pay but eventually he paid up. This month, I called him telling him about the payments and he refused to pick up my call or call back. So I ended up paying. I feel bad about it but I take it to the Lord in prayer. Our son doesn’t deserve this kind of a father. No child does. I wish he could take up responsibility and spend more time with his son. I am now expecting our second child and I get cold feet just thinking how I will be alone raising two children while their father is out there not taking care of them. Please advise me on what steps I should take and pray for me… I need to be covered in prayers… for my son and unborn child too. I rest on 1 Timothy 5:8 “if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”
(BOTSWANA) Marriage on its own, is a blessing and has to be respected once in it, Hebrews 13 v 4. So a husband has to treat his wife as a beautiful flower, and that flower has to be taken care of; it has to watered at a regular time to maintain its beauty. You know that a flower turns into a fruit, and fruit will be children. Those children will also be given that care. Husbands must love and understand their wives.
(USA) I can’t say enough times how I feel. I can’t show enough attention; my obsession goes beyond the actual meaning. How do I demonstrate my thoughts and feelings in both sexual ways and simply showing her without looking like a blooming idiot? I would simply die without her. She is my world!!!!!!! Rick