Before we go into the article concerning “What Every Husband Should Know About His Wife”, we have a You Tube comedy music link for you titled, “Things You Don’t Say to Your Wife.” It’s pretty good advice (and funny too)!
(And then after the article, we will have a link to another article that could further help you in your relationship with your wife.)
Please click onto the following link to enjoy:
And now for the article:
WHAT EVERY HUSBAND SHOULD KNOW ABOUT HIS WIFE:
Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis, said, “Despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, I have not yet been able to answer the great question: What does a woman want?”
Well, Freud, may not have been able to identify the deepest needs of women, but modern research has. A wife’s most basic needs in marriage are: (1) to be cherished, (2) to be known and (3) to be respected.
• She Needs to be Cherished
“I can’t understand it, Doc.” Doug was talking before he even sat down in my counseling office. “Lisa has everything she could possibly need. She doesn’t have to work, she buys lots of clothes, we live in a great place, we take wonderful vacations, I’m faithful—but she’s miserable.” Doug shook his head and said, “I just don’t get it.”
We talked a bit more about his seven-year marriage and how he tried to express his love for Lisa. “I’m not the talkative type, Doc,” he said. “I show my love by providing the very best I can for her.” This poor husband didn’t realize that his love-starved wife would have traded all the clothes and vacations in the world for a little tenderness from him.
Without meaning to, a husband can completely miss one of his wife’s most important needs: to be cherished. This need is too often overlooked by husbands because we don’t feel the need for it as deeply as women do. But that doesn’t discount its validity. Your wife needs to be cherished.
She needs to know she is number one in your life. If it came down to an evening with your buddies or a night with your wife, she needs to know you would choose her—not because you have to, but because you want to.
What can you do to cherish your wife?
Consider how often you say, “I love you.”
Some men don’t feel the need to say it with words, but every wife has an insatiable need to hear it. Your wife also needs evidence that you are thinking about her during your day. A small gift or a quick phone call to say, “You are on my mind,” can mean the world to her.
As a man, you probably have no idea of the effect you can have on your wife by being gentle and tender, making her feel cared for.
…Does cherishing your wife mean sacrificing golf games, success at work, or nights out with the boys? Believe it or not, the answer is no. When your wife is satisfied in knowing that she takes first place in your life, when she knows she is the most important thing in the world to you, she will encourage you to do the things you enjoy. It is part of the mystery of marriage: When a woman is truly, genuinely cherished, she feels free to encourage her husband’s independence.
Before Doug learned to cherish Lisa, she would complain about his fishing trips. In fact, Lisa wanted a separation because “standing by a lake was more important to Doug than I was.” But once Doug genuinely made Lisa number one, once he began to express true tenderness, Lisa pleasantly shocked him: “I’ll cover for you at the meeting next Thursday so you can get an early start on your fishing trip if you want.” Lisa made this offer because she now felt secure in her position of importance.
“To love and to cherish” is more than a phrase from your wedding vows. It is one of the most important needs your wife will ever have. By meeting it, you are sure to build a partnership that brings you both pleasure…
• She Needs to be Known
For a woman, being understood means having her feelings validated and accepted. That’s not as easy as it sounds. I’m a psychologist. I often spend my day doing just that with my clients. I know how to empathize with a person’s pain, to feel his feelings and convey understanding. But when it comes to my marriage, something makes me want to solve Leslie’s problems instead of understand them.
She will tell me about something and I will passively listen until I have heard enough and then, as if to say I’m ready to move on to other things, I will offer advice. I’ll lecture instead of listen. To this day, it often takes every ounce of self-control I can muster to bite my tongue and actively listen.
At least I’m not alone. Consider this fact: Men say three times as many words in public as they do in private, while women say three times as many words in private as they do in public. Women like to match experiences, to draw one another out, to volley in conversations. But when it comes to talking to their husbands, many women feel like the wife who told me, “Talking to my husband is like playing tennis with no one in the other court.”
To meet your wife’s important need to be known, you need to actively listen to her, reflecting back to her what she is saying and feeling, and genuinely wanting to understand her. This point cannot be overemphasized: Women need to have their feelings validated and accepted. They need to have you see and experience the world the way they do, instead of explaining to them why they shouldn’t see it that way.
Men have a tough time realizing that offering a listening ear is all a woman needs at times —or a comforting hug, a loving statement like “You are hurting, aren’t you?” or “You are under a lot of pressure, aren’t you?” Listening to your wife talk without offering quick solutions is the only way to meet her need to be known.
• She Needs to be Respected
Men are usually quite unaware of how much women need to be respected. Why? Because when men are not respected they react very differently. A man who doesn’t feel respected, for example, is apt to become self-righteous and indignant. He feels even more worthy of respect when others don’t respect him. He may even give less until he gets what he feels he deserves.
Women operate differently—when they are not respected they feel insecure and lose their sense of self. That is why it is so vital for you to take special care of your partner’s need for respect.
There are a number of ways to show respect to your wife. To begin with, do not try to change or manipulate her, but rather, honor her needs, wishes, values, and rights. I know a woman who, because of her upbringing, valued the tradition of having her door opened for her by her husband. She knew the custom was kind of old-fashioned, but it meant a lot to her, and she asked her husband to do it.
Her husband never took her request seriously. “You’re kidding, right?” he’d say. “Nobody does that anymore. That’s why we’ve got power locks on the car.” By laughing off his wife’s request, this husband weakened his opportunity to meet one of his wife’s deepest needs—to be respected.
Respecting your wife also mean including her in decisions. I am always amazed when I find a husband who wields all the power in a marriage and makes all the decisions, regardless of what his wife thinks. I have known men who will make decisions about relocating to a new job in another part of the country without even consulting their wives. I don’t know of a quicker way to tear down a woman’s sense of self and ruin the possibility of a happy marriage.
Build your wife’s self-esteem and sense of security by asking for her input whenever you can, even on the small things. When you make a decision that might affect her, say: “I’m thinking about.What do you think of that?” or “I’m thinking we should.What would you like?”
Respect says, “I support you, you are valuable to me, and you don’t have to be any different from who you are.” In return for this respect a woman will be able to relax. She will not have a compulsive need to prove herself as an equal, but will automatically feel and be equal. What a wonderful way to live with a woman.
The above article is written by Les Parrott and comes from the book, Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, by Dr. Les Parrott and Dr. Leslie Parrott Realrelationships.com, published by Zondervan Publishing. As psychologist (Les)and marriage and family therapist (Leslie) who counsel hundreds of married couples, they have “learned that living happily ever after is less a mystery than a mastery of certain skills. Although married life will always have its difficulties, you will steadily and dramatically improve your relationship by mastering certain life skills.”
They’ve also written two workbooks as companions to this book, one for the man and one for the woman. “The twenty-one self-tests in the workbooks will help you and your partner put into action what is taught in this book. As an additional help, they have provided questions for reflection at the end of each chapter that are suitable as discussion starters for couples or small groups. Finally, if you would like to bring this program to your church or small group setting, a video curriculum is available, also entitled, Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts. Preview or purchase this book now.
— ALSO —
To further help you in your relationship, below is a Crosswalk.com web site link to an article written by a pastoral counselor. Please click onto the following link to read:
• FOR MEN ONLY: A HUSBAND’S PERSONAL CHECKLIST
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(INDIA) It isn’t as simple as Phil makes it appear. A woman is great till you marry her. Then her real self takes over. It depends on the parenting, environment in childhood, presence or absence of emotional abuse and religious beliefs that make her real self.
What a wife wants could vary from what Phil has written in the article on one end to psychiatric advice on the other end of the spectrum.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I think it IS that simple – I think WE make it more complicated by not allowing God to set us free in all those areas you (Ma) mention and then using them as excuses to not work hard on our marriages. OBVIOUSLY where there is an actually psychiatric problem, some medical assistance is neccessary, but unless you’re certifiably nuts, Phil’s commentary is EXCELLENT as a guideline to get our marriages on track.
(US) I’m in ministry — my wife is an ideal “worker” but a difficult wife. If I WASN’T in ministry I wouldn’t still be with her! She’s a perfectionist who is critical and demanding. Recently she started timing my sermons. I really don’t like her at all and the only motivating “love” I feel is habit (over 25 yrs).
Cherishing her means my desk is never cluttered and I do all things according to her detailed demands. I think if something happened to her I’d have a hard time faking mourning. I will probably regret posting this and never appear on this site again. But in this moment it feels good to say it. She makes me feel empty.
(KENYA) I feel so uplifted by this website. I have a husband (not sure if I should call him that because we got a marriage certificate just so that we could process his visa. We have never introduced each other to our families even after 10 years of dating). Our plan was that he joins us abroad then we can get introduced to our families and even have a wedding. We had been separated by distance for 5 years but then 2 years ago I helped him move to where our son and I live so that we could be together as a family. Ever since he set foot here, it’s been constant arguing and fighting and blaming me and forcing me to accept that I lied about my past (I didn’t lie and I will never trade the truth for a lie).
Sometime in May this year, we had a very bad argument and I went for the knife. I was determined to harm him. Since then, we separated because I started thinking of injuring him seriously. Since he moved, things have been better. I stay with my son and he comes to visit us whenever he can. Initially it was on a daily basis but now it reduced to once a month or so. We had agreed that I take care of our son and he pays for all the schooling.
In August, he initially refused to pay but eventually he paid up. This month, I called him telling him about the payments and he refused to pick up my call or call back. So I ended up paying. I feel bad about it but I take it to the Lord in prayer. Our son doesn’t deserve this kind of a father. No child does. I wish he could take up responsibility and spend more time with his son. I am now expecting our second child and I get cold feet just thinking how I will be alone raising two children while their father is out there not taking care of them. Please advise me on what steps I should take and pray for me… I need to be covered in prayers… for my son and unborn child too. I rest on 1 Timothy 5:8 “if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”
(BOTSWANA) Marriage on its own, is a blessing and has to be respected once in it, Hebrews 13 v 4. So a husband has to treat his wife as a beautiful flower, and that flower has to be taken care of; it has to watered at a regular time to maintain its beauty. You know that a flower turns into a fruit, and fruit will be children. Those children will also be given that care. Husbands must love and understand their wives.
(USA) I can’t say enough times how I feel. I can’t show enough attention; my obsession goes beyond the actual meaning. How do I demonstrate my thoughts and feelings in both sexual ways and simply showing her without looking like a blooming idiot? I would simply die without her. She is my world!!!!!!! Rick
(UNITED STATES) My husband and I have been married for 30 years and for the first part of our marriage I stayed at home and took care of our children and our home. At that time I was very active in our children’s lives at their school and took great pride in keeping our home as comfortable as possible.
All through those years I felt like my husband valued the contribution I was making in raising our children and keeping our home, but he didn’t see why keeping the house nice was so important to me. I felt as though he devalued that to our kids by making remarks about how I would get bent out of shape when things weren’t kept and clean.
After the children left home I went back to work outside of our home and I was hoping for some respect for the job that I did. I have to admit he does seem to respect my professional life, but when we have a discussion about anything and I do not share his opinon he always says that I am trying to tell him that he is wrong. I have tried to explain to him that I don’t always have to agree with him, but he makes me feel so guilty that I don’t share the same opinions as him on everything.
He makes jokes about things sometimes when I am trying to have a serious conversation and he gets upset and says he can’t even joke with me. He wants to lighten things up but I want to be serious sometimes. Then he just removes himself from the me and says that he will just stay out of my way.
I would never leave him but I am so frustrated that he will not listen and value what I try to tell him. I know I react badly to these situations and say hurtful things and that has caused bitterness over the years that is poisionous to our marriage. If you have any advice for me I would love some- If there is something I can do I will certainly try.
(UGANDA) My main issue is that 99.9% of ALL marital advice and councelling I hear is for men. I think we’re excusing the women, not holding them just as accountable & it’s cuz we fear them. They often go unchecked, contributing negatively to their marriages & we blame the husbands. Please, I’m totally not making a case for men. I wonder if wives are actually interested in their husbands, for who they are and not what they do for them?
She nags, belittles, disrespects her husband, but still demands & expects TLC (tender loving care) from her now wounded, crushed husband. Everything is about what a woman needs. So why do we wonder why some men cheat? It’s absolutely wrong but if you’re not sowing good seed into your relationship isn’t it childish to expect to be cherished, when your most earnest expressions are disgust, ridicule, sarcasm and anger? When you don’t value someone it makes them vulnerable to the next person who comes along with the slightest hint of admiration or respect for them. Respecting a woman includes acknowledging her maturity to take responsibility for her actions.
I know what it’s like to be told I’m not respected, for not doing certain things. Everyone needs to be desired above all else. If you show a man respect but also that you don’t need or appreciation him, if his only worth is what he does for you, that’s a marriage of convenience. I always ask: a) Oh wife, what are you bringing to the table of your marriage? What are you doing to foster its prosperity? Or are you sitting there waiting (demanding) the he push your buttons before you’ll respect him? (“Earn your keep” mentality) b:) Are you sure you’re meeting HIS needs, or the ones you assume he has, should have, or everybody else says he does?
I’ve been married 4 yrs, have a son; my wife insists she’s playing her part taking care of the house & our son. I always told her, that’s great but I never married you for any of that. I want a companion not a maid, certainly not a Mom! c:) A wife ought to be “the greatest” inspiration to her husband. What do you inspire in yours? You can’t milk a cow you don’t feed. If you’re not feeding it, somebody will, or it will die!
(USA) My wife and I have been married for 4 years. We have a beautiful 2 year old daughter. My wife is the homemaker and I work 50+ hours per week. I still try to help around the house. My wife has now “had enough” of me neglecting her. She blew up at me 10 days ago, said she feels unappreciated, etc., basically had a meltdown. I was able to smooth things over, but apparently haven’t given her enough attention over the past 9 days since, because she is having another blowup/meltdown. She says that it is obvious that I don’t give a sh*t about her and her feelings, and she says that she’s not gonna “make things easy” for me anymore.
I’ve never been a touchy-feely guy, and 10 days ago I told myself I need to be more-so, but I guess just being happy, not fighting, etc. wasn’t enough. I wrote her a letter saying sorry, but she won’t have it. She says “sorry won’t fix this”. She says she has a “broken heart, a soul lost,” and that her “mind is in a dark deep hole”. She says she’s “also angry at herself for being so vulnerable, fragile and weak for letting her happiness rely on someone else.”
PLEASE HELP! I don’t know how to handle this now. She won’t talk to me, and I know I haven’t done anything really WRONG…but I have neglected the things that you talk about in your article. But I can’t just apply these things now, because she’s already snapped. Help me so I don’t lose my daughter (and my wife).
(NIGERIA) Great article, felt really relieved today after reading this article. Had a bridge for so many years why men treat their wives a little less than an animal when it comes to decision taking. Thanks for making me realize that some men still believe in their wives.