What do you do if you’re the one who has done the wrong? You have acknowledged your error, but the other person won’t forgive you. Or they say they forgive you, but act like they’re still trying to even the score? Do you have to keep asking for forgiveness? Do you need to beg?
These are tough questions. Most marriages deal with this problem at some point. It’s relatively easy to restore a relationship when both partners are willing—one willing to seek forgiveness and the other willing to forgive. But when the wronged partner is unforgiving, what can the guilty partner do?
First remember the closed hand. The unforgiving partner has probably closed his or her spirit to you, and you need to find ways of reopening it. You can’t do that by yelling, warning, shaming, or threatening. “You call yourself a Christian? You have to forgive me or I’ll tell everyone at church what you’re really like!”
Will that help to open anyone’s spirit? Of course not. The fist will just tighten further.
You do not want to go on the offensive in this situation. Remember your position. You have done wrong. You have caused pain. You are now asking a favor. Even if you are both Christians, forgiveness cannot be demanded. Your partner does not owe it to you. You are asking your partner to take a chance on you, a chance to be hurt again. Your partner has every right to have a closed spirit. Now, is there any way to coax it open?
The first attempt is the apology, which you have already offered. Was it sincere? Did you recognize the full extent of your misdeeds? Was it unconditional?
Let’s go to the example of Wilma. Let’s say her apology went something like this: “I’m sorry I threw away your stuff, but you really needed to get rid of it anyway.”
That’s what we call a conditional apology. These usually contain a yeah-but clause in them. If there was any excuse or but in your apology, then go back and apologize more sincerely.
Or you may have used blame shifting in your apology. Kids are especially good at this technique: “I know you told me not to go in the water, but Joey pushed me.” (That’s one I used as a kid.) Even adults use this technique at times: “I know I said I’d be home by 6:00, but my boss wanted me to..”
While Joey or the boss may have affected your behavior, you still need to take full responsibility for the wrong you committed. “My boss asked me to stay and finish payroll, but I know you told me that you had a doctor’s appointment at 6:00, so I should have called or gotten someone else to fill in for me. I was wrong to come home late today. I know that it really messed up your day, and you have good reason for being angry with me. I hope that you will be able to forgive me.” Conditions, excuses, and blame shifting are manipulative. They erode trust rather than restore it.
But what if this has all happened before? You are late for the umpteenth time. If it’s not your boss, it’s the train or the traffic or the terrorist incident that happened on your way home. You have become adept at apologizing with so much practice.
Do you wonder why you’re not being forgiven? Apologies can lose their effect, after about the tenth or twentieth time. Your partner may be withholding forgiveness because he or she does not trust what you’re saying. That’s why our apologies need to be followed by an attitude or behavioral change. In religious terms, you might call this repentance. You stop the offensive behavior, confess it, and then turn the other way.
This step—repentance—may require some time to demonstrate that you really have changed, such as when Art had to prove to Sylvia that he really could be trusted again. Will your partner’s spirit reopen to you? Maybe. Your only remaining tools are prayer, patience and persistence.
- Prayer—Pray that God will open your partner’s spirit, and that He will give you the strength and wisdom to know how to respond.
- Patience —When you’re trying to mend fences and your partner is stonewalling, the natural, human reaction is to get mad and resentful. You need patience to continue being nice when you’re getting little or no reinforcement.
- Persistence —Don’t continue to apologize, as long as you have done so sincerely. But you do need to persist in your attempts to demonstrate love, concern, and the desire to improve the relationship. This can be done by reassuring hugs, persistent nonsexual touch, and affirming words of encouragement—even if your partner is not as receptive as you’d like.
What if Sylvia didn’t accept Art’s apology after he had been unfaithful to her but felt sorrowful afterwards? What if she was cold and closed to him for several months? What could Art do to help her forgive him?
First, he could pray that God would open her spirit. If Sylvia was willing, they could even pray together.
Then Art would need to show patience, treating her gently and lovingly. He would need to make behavioral changes in order to rebuild trust. But he would also need to make spirit-opening gestures as well. He wouldn’t want to do this in a manipulative way: “Oh, I’ll buy her some flowers and gifts and she’ll get over it eventually.”
Instead he might discuss how he knows that he’s hurt her deeply but that he’s committed to rebuilding the relationship. He might even ask her to give him hand signals from day to day, showing how open or closed her spirit is toward him-a closed fist, a partially open fist, and then a hand which is steadily opening.
In a solution-based model, we would ask, “How did Art win Sylvia’s trust during the very beginning of their relationship?” While they were dating, Art paid close attention to her needs, listened to her ideas and concerns, and sent her little cards and notes. They went on special dates, held hands, and exchanged reassuring hugs and kisses. Now Art needs to do all those things that he did to win her over in the beginning.
This article is edited from the book, The Marriage Mender, by Dr Thomas A. Whiteman and Dr Thomas G. Bartlett, published by Navpress. If you’re looking for a fresh start, this book will give you the solution-based tools you need to begin rebuilding your marriage. With illustrations and exercises, it will teach you how to look to the future of your relationship instead of focusing on the past with its problems. You’ll build emotional safety and then learn to communicate more effectively with your spouse, resolve conflict creatively, fight fairly, and much more.
Dr Thomas A. Whiteman is a licensed psychologist who practices with Life Counseling Services in Paoli, Pennsylvania. Dr Thomas G. Bartlett is also a licensed psychologist who practices with Behavioral Healthcare Consultants in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. They both work with troubled couples and have conducted seminars on marriage and divorce recovery through Fresh Start Seminars.
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(SOUTH AFRICA) I am a divorced single mother of two (boys) and I was unfaithful in my marriage and my husband divorced me. It’s been almost two years now since I have confessed and asked for forgiveness from him but he is still very angry (to the extent that he doesn’t want anything to do with me and the children). I am praying that God opens his spirit to forgive me. I truly believe that God is the only one that can open his heart to forgive me. It is very hard but I know that there is nothing impossible with God, I believe. I’m also praying that God will change me completely and make me a new and perfect woman.
(USA) I have an entire family of brothers and sisters that hate me and have disowned me for exposing their lifetime sin of incest and abuse towards me. Although they have cast me out and still live in thick denial, it hurts me so bad that I have no family anymore. I wish I could have kept it to myself, but their abuse would have killed me. I have forgiven all of them, but none of them will except it nor talk to me, and have raised generations since that of family to HATE my guts. I cry a bottomless river of tears, and beg God to intervene and to save them and forgive them yet it looks as if that will never happen. Many others since me have been raped, yet no one will admit it but me. I am unable to feel anymore, I am unable to lift my head, and I am all alone on this planet for telling those that I thought would protect me, instead they kicked me out at 16 years old. My life has been a total nightmare, and I only have Jesus. I am alone in a crowd, I am alone at church, I do not belong anywhere. Is it wrong to want to kill myself? Life has kicked my butt! All of my family are rich, and prosper materially, I am a Child of God and live in poverty. What can I do to cause God to forgive me for ever telling. Why couldn’t I just take being raped like the rest of them do? I can hardly stand this cross any longer.
(USA) You are a child of the Most High GOD! Don’t you ever for a minute think that you were wrong for exposing your families sins. Sometimes, when we choose to do what’s right, and play on God’s team, we stand alone. That just comes with being a Christian.
As far as you feeling like you don’t belong at church, have you ever opened up and exposed your childhood? You would be surprised at how many others are keeping that same secret, ashamed and embarrassed to tell anyone. Your testimony could probably save somebody’s life! Get in a group at church or get some Christian based counseling to help you deal with your issues. Just because your family is materially prosperous, they are spiritually broke, and end the end, we can’t take our possessions with us.
I encourage you to pray for them and their salvation, sometimes even fast, and let God take care of the rest. He will. He won’t put more on you than you can bear. Let go and let God have his way! You don’t need God’s forgiveness for telling. He already knew what you were going through. And if the rape is still going on with any minors, it is your responsibilty to notify the authorities. Yeah, your family will be peeved, but they already are mad at you anyway. At least you could possibly save someone else from the pain that you are going through. Do not be ashamed, lift your head up high… God loves you more than you love yourself.
Dear Donni, My heart truly goes out to you over this horrible situation. I can only imagine how deeply this hurts you and causes you to doubt the good that you tried to do. And despite the way that the enemy of our faith has worked against you, you DID do good. Rape and incest is ALWAYS wrong. Bringing darkness into the light and exposing it IS good — even if your family members joined in with the enemy and tried to make you look bad and the truth you brought out, as false. It isn’t. You know it isn’t, and God knows it isn’t. Please believe that God is not finished with this situation yet. I know this in my heart.
Right now, the enemy of our faith looks victorious. But as the old saying goes, “It ain’t over yet!” I encourage you, with all that is within, to look beyond the pain and the injustice you are presently experiencing, to see the bigger picture here.
The enemy of our faith is called a liar and one who steals. You can see the power of this type of influence, in what you have experienced and are experiencing. Those who give in to that lifestyle, though they may look like they are prospering for a season, live on slippery ground. From the outside, you look defeated, but all is not over. What you see going on is temporary by God’s time line. I pray you will hold on to that truth and look to the Lord for the victory He will bring about.
Just like it was with those who hurt and crucified Jesus, they looked like the victors for “a season” as if they were “winners.” But as is often the case, it was darkest before the dawn. And it WAS real dark for a time. But God eventually showed forth the dawning of His victory and defeated the enemy of our faith. (We can also see that with the life of the Apostle Paul, and the lives of the disciples, and other saints as well — good looked defeated. But God in His timetable, brought victory for the good of others down through the generations– including you and me.)
Recently, I wrote to someone else on the web site about what I learned in Psalm 73. I think it would be good for you to read it also because it’s a good example of someone (Asaph) crying out to God over the confusing circumstances he was living through (just as you are going through a time of confusion at this time). In it, he questioned why some people who do evil are allowed to get away with all kinds of injustices, and yet they appear to prosper. In verse 12 he says, “This is what the wicked are like — always carefree, they increase in wealth.” And then he questioned whether living “right” was worth it for him as he compared what was happening to him as opposed to what was happening to them. He said, “Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure; in vain have I washed my hands in innocence. All day long I have been plagued; I have been punished every morning. If I said, ‘I will speak thus,’ I would have betrayed your children. When I tried to understand all this, it was oppressive to me…”
He TRIED to understand and even questioned the wisdom of living in God’s ways. He said, “when I tried to understand all this, it was oppressive to me TILL I ENTERED THE SANCTUARY OF GOD; then I understood their final destiny.” When he went to God, eventually in the sanctuary of being before the Lord in prayer, he saw things he didn’t see before. He went on to say that God revealed to him the “slippery ground” they lived upon.
He also said, “When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you.” It shows that he DEEPLY questioned God to the point of being a “brute beast”. But he eventually came to the place where he realized, “Whom have I in heaven but you?” He goes on to acknowledge what God did for him. And then he said, “Those who are far from you will perish; you destroy all who are unfaithful to you” (notice he doesn’t say that this will be done in his timetable — God does things in HIS timetable, not ours). He goes on to say, “But as for me, it was good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds.” I pray you will get to that place soon.
Donni, I’m so very sorry that you are experiencing this level of pain and betrayal. This is so grievous, that you have to experience this! I also sense that it grieves God’s heart to see you go through this, just as it grieved His heart to see His Son, and the disciples, and others who have been faithful to Him go through such extreme trials. But for some reason beyond our understanding, “for such a time as this” (just as Joseph experienced trials) God is allowing things to go this way, for a season. But I believe with my whole heart that God, just as He did with the others I mentioned here, will someday bring victory out of the ashes of your present and past experiences.
I hope that you will look for healthy ways to heal and look for healthy people to be your family. Sometimes those who are related to us physically must be replaced by those in the family of God, when the situation warrants it! And this is that type of situation. Use this time to work on healing your heart. In doing so, you will eventually be in a place where God can use you in the most wonderful ways eventually.
That is what He has done with me. I can’t tell you what has gone on in my background for personal reasons. But I can tell you that I went through some very, very dark times. But by God’s grace, He helped me to reach out for healing and help (which took many years) and as a result, I am whole enough to be used by God to help others through this ministry. I can’t thank Him enough for this! I know that God has a plan for you that would AMAZE you as well, if you knew what it was. I know this deep in my heart, and I claim it for you and hope you will grab onto it.
I encourage you to keep looking to the Lord for the help you need. Pray for your family that is in such denial. And pray for the innocent who need your prayers of protection.
Don’t allow those who hurt you to have the victory of seeing you hurt (or kill) yourself. Don’t give yourself over to the enemy’s hand. God is near. Keep trusting, and pursue the healing and help that you need right now.
Please know that I will pray for you, as well as many others who visit the Marriage Missions web site. Blessings in Him, Cindy
(USA) Hi Donni, I cannot add much to what Cindy said – she covered everything. Here is the only thing I wanted to add – read the verse I Corinthians 13:6.
True love (God’s version of love) rejoices in the truth. You told the truth. Anyone who has been violated knows it. You know you’re not lying. You’ve got God guiding you and prompting you to come out. Your family sounds like they do not have God. The same verse says true love does not rejoice in evil. Your family would rather keep turning heads (rejoicing in evil). They prefer to hide the truth.
Jesus is the truth, the way and the light. Satan wants to cloud that fact from the whole world, thereby "hiding the truth," same as your family. It seems clear (and hopefully it is to you, too) by reading your post who in your family is siding with truth and who is siding with Satan.
Bless you for sharing the evil and bringing it into the light. May our God comfort and and bring you joy, despite your current trials. Thanks for writing.
(CANADA) Hi Donny, I’m so sorry for all the pain that you’re going through. I can only imagine how hard it is. Cindy has given you great advice. I only wanted to tell you not to give up. You did the right thing and the way I see it, God has already helped you to forgive them. That’s huge coz not many people would be able to do that. God chose your heart to bring the evil things that are happening to light. He already knew how painful it would be so lean on Him coz He has all the answers for you. Lean on him with everything you have and remember that nothing is impossible with God. Pray for your family a lot and let God do the rest. One verse that always helped me was psalms 34:17-18. Nothing is to hard for Him just believe. Hope to hear from you soon. God loves you more than anybody else.
(USA) I am struggling with a marriage crisis with my wife of 28 years. She has a strong bitterness and resentment towards me – not for any one thing, but for what seems like hundreds of things that I have done (or not done) over the past 28 years – mostly things I have said or not said when I should have. She is seeing a therapist to try to deal with her feelings, but I see how she looks at me and I don’t have much hope. Do couples really get through these crises? I want to have hope, but find myself sinking into despair quite frequently. Prayers and any ideas are helpful.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi. I cheated on my wife once and it’s been two years since but she has not forgiven me. I can tell from the way she looks at me that she still is bitter. I have asked and begged for forgiveness but still nothing is changing. I was wrong I know. I have prayed that she forgives me over and over again instead I have just discovered she’s been cheating behind my back. I’m so confused I don’t know what to do anymore. I love her. I hate the fact that I will lose her. She told me that every dog has its day. Is this some kind of punishment or revenge?