I understand that what you have written is the way your culture approaches marital relationships. And I want you to understand that Cindy and I greatly respect your culture in many ways. However, when a culture goes against Biblical guidelines, then followers in Christ are to bow to God’s way rather than God bowing to the ways of the culture.

A case in point is when Cindy and I visited the ruins of an ancient temple in the Middle East. The people of this temple used to sacrifice children to the one they believed to be their god to appease him for better crops. This was both the religious and cultural ways of the people who lived in that part of the world. What do you think the real Jehovah — the REAL God, felt about this practice? Do you think He bent to their cultural ways and gave it His approval because it was part of their cultural ways of doing things? Absolutely not. What about the cultural ways of the people of Sodom and Gomorrah… was Lot given permission to follow their ways above God’s? No.

Normally, Cindy and I do not get into cultural and theological debates on this web site… We do not believe that is our role but rather to make this web site a platform for others to work through marital issues. But upon praying, we believe God has told us to give you “food for thought” as to how your statements relate to a Biblical marriage and to let Him work with that “food” for His good purpose.

When Jesus came upon the earth, He came to “set the captives free” — those who were imprisoned by sin — also imprisoned by man’s standards rather than God’s, as well as wrong religious practices, and wrong cultural practices. It would take too long to go into all the specifics, but I trust God will show you what He wants to reveal in what I am saying.

The problem is that man stands in the way of allowing these freedoms to be realized. For some reason, God is allowing much of this until the day of Christ’s return. But that does not mean that this is God’s intent for us to choose to live in this type of bondage. He gives man a free will and for that reason, we are bound by the choices that we and others often make… until the enemy of our faith is totally defeated.

I say all this to say that when Christ came in the form of a man, we can see that He gave women a place of recognition that had not been practiced before. The barriers of a woman being treated as an object of little value or as an obedient child — with no voice in matters, were wiped away. As it says in Galatians 3:26-29, “You are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham’s seed, and heirs according to the promise.”

Yes, a man is positionally still head of his home (just as a head of state ultimately has the last say), but he is not put in that position to be a tyrant. The husband is related in the Bible as the head of the home as Christ is head of the church. But you do not see Christ as a dictating tyrant — rather as a servant leader. You can see that as He washed the feet of His disciples and told them to do likewise. You also saw this when He sacrificed His life for their (and our) sin. He could have told us to be quiet and mind His ways and respect Him for it. But instead He lead by example as a “bond-servant” (as it says in Philippians 2) and calls us to do the same.

When you read Ephesians 5, and you see the husband’s role in the marriage, you can see that you are responsible for the wife’s well-being. When you stand before God, you are to “in the same way” as Christ, to “present her” …”without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish.” What do you think it does to your wife’s spirit and her heart when you demean her heart and spirit by acting like a dictator on a throne, telling her when she has “permission” to speak — not to mention telling her to lie about the physical bruises you inflict upon her so you don’t look bad to them? Is that “presenting her” to God “without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish?”

Sydney, I pray that you will prayerfully consider the statements you wrote above as to how you believe you should treat your wife. How do you think they line up with the God’s scripture that says, “Husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church — for we are members of his body” — are you caring for your wife with the same love as you do your own body and as Christ cares for His church? Does He allow us to speak and give views only when we are given His permission? Does He have us lie so He looks better? Does He “trample upon” His bride?

Yes, your wife must treat you respectfully because of the position God has put you in with Christ, but are you acting worthy of that respect? You alone will be accountable to God for how you treat your wife no matter what she does and no matter what your culture tells you to do.

May God speak directly to your heart and spirit on this matter. “My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power, so that your faith might not rest on men’s wisdom, but on God’s power. We do, however, speak a message of wisdom among the mature, but not the wisdom of this age or of the rulers of this age, who are coming to nothing” (1 Corinthians 2:4-6). Our prayers are with you.

1- If I feel my wife has offended me, then I need to talk and I expect my wife to remain quiet as I talk. That is considered respectful of a woman. If she has to answer back, then later and not there and then. And what is important is how she is going to approach the husband when she feels she’s been trampled upon.

2- The wife should learn to ask for permission over small and even bigger things as this shows that the husband is on the “throne” and in itself a great deal of respect is shown to the husband.

3-A woman shouldn’t show to the outside world what is happening inside their matrimonial home as this is regarded as being disrespectful. For instance, if a woman has been beaten by his husband in our tradition she shouldn’t let other people know that it’s the husband but that she had fallen or any other reason other than the husband.

Remember I am an African with a different culture. Sydney

My marriage of 3 years is on the brink and it is all because my husband says I don’t respect him. Trouble is, like many of you, I have no clue what I am doing wrong. I am a woman who, was only married 3 years the first time, and that marriage failed because I was not saved or he. There was an affair and he had another daughter. I was divorced for nearly 15 years, raised my 2 kids myself and am a successful professional.

I met my husband, became Saved, and we married. He had endured a very difficult unhappy marriage for 20 years. Full of anger and deceit. Anyway, I am so used to doing things and making my own decisions – it has been very hard as I guess I have no clue how to respect a man properly. I am desperate to be a Godly wife but I have no idea how to do it… My prayers for all of you…

Please know that being respectful of your husband does not mean that you have to bow down to abusive behavior, if that is what you are putting up with. It’s tragic that your husband suffered as he did while he was growing up and that he still suffers to this day. And I love your heart that you can see how it has changed him and still you try to treat him with love dignity, despite the ways in which he is hurting you.

But there is a difference between being respectful towards your husband and giving him license to treat you in hurtful ways. You need to learn how to set proper boundaries to protect yourself (and also protect him from his own destructive behaviors) because if he is being abusive, abuse is wrong. It strips a person of their dignity as a human being. It’s not good for your husband to allow himself to give into his urges and behave this way and it’s not good for you to receive it. There ARE many things you can do to de-escalate situations and stop receiving such actions (and yet still be respectful in how you do them).

I urge you go into the “Abuse in Marriage” section and read the articles we have posted. I think this will give you a clearer picture of what abusive behavior entails.

Also, LT just posted a comment last night in the “Abuse in Marriage Links and Resource Descriptions” part of that section that I believe would be good for you to read (and also go into the link that she supplies to read what is written there by David in Psalm 101, and the corresponding comments on what we should not be a part of).

Treating a husband with respect can still happen even though a wife refuses to give into abusive behavior. It is very difficult, but it can be done. That is why I also encourage you to contact Focus Ministries (if indeed you are suffering from abuse), which is an American-based ministry dealing with abusive situations. We have a link for it in the links part of that section. I believe they can help you with this.

Somehow you need to learn how to put up certain boundaries so you protect yourself when you need to, but you do it in ways that don’t give in to being mean-spirited about it. Firmness and setting proper boundaries is still respectful — you just approach it differently. You don’t want to do what your husband has learned from his past to do to you (and needs to un-learn).

I hope this is helpful and I pray the Lord ministers to the cries of your heart. I pray you can find the help you need and I pray your husband will eventually reach out for the help he needs. He obviously can’t do this on his own without first recognizing that he needs help and then getting it. Maybe this is the first step. I pray so. Please know that my heart and prayers are with you.

I know that the Word says to rejoice. After sixteen and half years, it is starting to weigh on me. I know that my husband doesn’t mean to hurt me, he is just hurt himself. My husband grew up in a home that wasn’t very loving. He saw his dad treat his mom really badly. He also experienced bad (unloving) treatment himself from his dad. He even received it from his mom too. She took out on him her frustration that she had.

He tried so hard to get them to approve of him. But good grades, a clean room, excelling in sports, and etc just didn’t give him positive attention, affection, or affirmation. I understand how devastating this was and still is for him. I thought that if I just loved and respected him that he would let go of the past and let God heal him. I thought that he would let God restore him. But all he has done is let the generational curse continue in his life.

But he holds on to his hurt like it is a trophy. Now he acts a lot like the way his dad did. He admits to having very low self esteem. He also admits to knowing that he doesn’t love himself and goes on to saying that he knows that-that’s why he struggles with loving me and the kids.

I always thought that if I just trusted God and kept quiet that my husband would love me like Christ loves the church. I have seen him love people around us who struggle with drugs, homelessness, prostitution, and so much else. I have seen him push so hard to do his best at work to get his bosses approval. I have seen him serve pastors only to be used by them.

I so desperately want to be loved. I hide myself in Christ when it comes to my hurt, pain, loneliness, and etc. Another man is never a thought because I know that- that is foolish. I know that divorce isn’t the answer too. I have asked him exactly how can I show you respect and he tells me things.

I make it my business to do those things, but he doesn’t want to see that as respect. He just counts it as me just wanting to say that I did it. I just want to have the man that I meet in college. My husband was so loving and considerate then. Can you tell me more practical ways that I can show him that I love him?

And can I get you all to agree with me that he begins to see me. I mean see how I respect and love him — that he sees I understand how I see him and not reflex his feelings and thought on me.

My original post of several months ago has since been confirmed. Women and men’s needs/wants do vary widely. I’ve been reading a few different books that are helping me in this area.

My prayer life is strong, although there are days when I’m too exhausted, emotionally and mentally, to pray as much or as long as I need. It is on those days I say to God that I will let the Spirit speak for me.

Romans 8:26 Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.

I know what this verse refers to from personal experience. Trying to recover (with God’s help, of course) from an abusive marriage, along with looking after a toddler, takes its toll on a person and on the days when I’m literally too tired to sit and think of what to day (and on some days I’m too frustrated and so I pray until my anger borders on sin in which case I have to hand it over to God lest I give in to sinful thoughts), I let the spirit moan for me, just as the above verse suggests.

There are many verses in the bible and another talks about studying to be approved. I read scripture as well.

As you mention, my husband’s heart may change. I believe it is important to note that it may change, not that it will. My husband still has to make his own choices. He has his own free will, which God has allowed him to have. But, as you say, if it is God’s will, then it will be God’s time. In the meantime, I change (attempt to change) what I feel necessary as well. That is the best approach that I have found when waiting on God’s timing for something.

God does hear our prayers, not only that – he hears them before we even utter them. So I do agree that prayer is necessary for our spiritual walk, but I believe a lot more is necessary, too, to be a whole individual in God. This is my current understanding.

I like the quote from a Jewel song, "If praying were enough it would have come to be." I used to think that were sacrilegious or something but now I see it in a much different light and agree with it. I think it’s saying that there’s a lot more than just prayer involved. We serve an active God and we have to be active at changing ourselves and doing whatever else we feel led by God to do.

Just praying about the homeless being fed isn’t going to feed them. If someone feels a pull to help the homeless and they feel God is giving them the nudge, that would come from prayer. But the act of serving the homeless comes from that person getting up and actually going to do the act. Hope that makes sense. Thanks, again, for your response. God bless.

I don’t know about any of the rest of you, but my version (the female version) of respect is WAY different from what his is. And in the same way, his version of "love" is very different from what mine is.

There need to be more articles on respect with examples, like the ones above, because my true feeling is that men’s versions of respect is very different from what women’s is but in light of that discrepancy, there isn’t a whole lot of information out there to try and straighten us all out so a lot of us married people end up flailing around trying a lot of things that don’t seem to work.

And if you combine that, with a man who has anger issues (thereby preventing him from being able to talk/discuss much without getting angry and wanting to end the discussion before anything has really been solved or before a meeting of the mind is reached), a lot of times articles are the only things a woman may have because her husband can’t or doesn’t know how to express what he wants and needs so no one wins – not the man or the woman. That’s rather frustrating.

Anyone else have any thoughts on this?

In my yielding to Jesus and His ways in my life, I prayerfully thank Him for finding me where I was and bringing me to His truth and light. And I ask Him to cleanse me and continue teaching me and leading me in this area of respecting my husband until all the lies, from the father of lies that are fed into women’s minds today, are completely purged from my being, through the blood of Christ and His grace and mercy. Thank you