“If only I was married to someone else who cares more about me and our marriage, life would be so much better!”

“It’s because of them that I act the way I do at home. I act like a different person everywhere else because they don’t upset me so much!”

“I know I have my own faults to work on, but theirs are so much worse — that’s why this marriage is such a mess!”

Have you ever thought or said one of those statements? Most of us go through times when we think such things — but really think about this: Just how much fun and just how easy is it to be married to you?

This may be a good time to consider the weaknesses you personally contribute to your marital relationship. Use it as a wake-up call to action. Here are a few questions to ask yourself:

•  Do you speak to your spouse in a dishonoring way so they feel belittled? (You may feel justified in speaking this way to them but the result could be that your spouse will eventually avoid being with you and instead seek to be with others who don’t belittle them like you do.)

•  Do you give them your full attention when they’re trying to communicate with you so they feel that what they have to say is important to you?

•  Do you have a tendency to lecture or berate them (which can make them feel like a child)?

•  When you’re angry, are you so explosive that they could feel assaulted? (This could cause them to shut down mentally and emotionally from hearing what you’re trying to communicate.)

•  Do you treat “outsiders” with more love than you do your own spouse?

•  Are you rude to your spouse—speaking and acting kinder to others than with them?

•  Do you use cutting humor with your spouse, saying, “I’m just kidding…” and yet your spouse has shown they don’t think what you’ve said is funny? And do you do this in front of others so your spouse feels humiliated?

•  Are you patient with your spouse, bearing with his/her weaknesses?

•  Does your marriage partner ever complain that you act like you’re better than them (and deep down what they say may be true)?

•  Do you often act irritable or are you hyper-sensitive in your thoughts and actions with them?

•  Do you keep bringing up things from the past — things they’ve already asked forgiveness for? (This can result in their feeling that they’ll never be able to escape their past actions with you no matter what they do.)

•  Are you living a trustworthy life so your spouse doesn’t need to be concerned that you will violate their trust in you? And do you find ways to show them your trustworthiness? Do you participate in anything that Christ would see as “deeds of darkness” which could bring unhealthiness into your marital partnership? (See: Ephesians 5:11)

•  Do you try to be a peacemaker in your home? (See: Ephesians 4:3; Romans 12:18)

•  Do you protect your spouse’s feelings and their dignity, in how you speak and interact with them, both when you’re alone and when you’re with others? (See: 1 Corinthians 13:7)

•  Do you say things about your spouse to others that could hurt their feelings and integrity?

•  Have you become such a serious person that you rarely laugh infuse fun times into your marital relationship - times like you used to have before you married?

•  Do you make an effort to show that you value being married to them above anyone else?

•  Do you honor their communication “style” (when one of you is a “condenser” and the other is an “amplifier”)? (See: Marriage Message #204.) If you’re a good communicator with words and they aren’t do you run over them with your words anyway? (This could leave them feeling stupid to the point where they avoid times of “communication” altogether. Just because you’re good with words and your spouse isn’t, it doesn’t mean they’re wrong in what they believe to be true. It may just mean they may not be as eloquent in communicating as you are.)

•  Are you a negative person to live with? Do you need to make more of an effort to be more positive in how you interact with your spouse so you don’t drag down their spirits also?

•  Do you look for ways to compliment and encourage your spouse (when you’re alone as well as when you’re with others?

•  Do you receive your spouse’s compliments well so they don’t feel discredited when they say something complimentary to you?

•  Are you gracious to your spouse where when they make mistakes they still feel accepted and loved by you?

•  Do you participate in making your marriage a better one? Do you show by your actions as well as by your words that you’re in partnership with them?

So what do you think now? Just how easy are you to live with? Consider the following:

If we blame our spouse for our wrong actions, aren’t we playing the same “blame game” that Adam did when God confronted him with his sin and Adam replied, “The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it”?

Think about it, God didn’t consider Adam’s excuses to be viable. He condemned Adam just as He did Eve. So what makes you think God will change His standards for you when He doesn’t change them for anyone else?

We hope you’ll pray about what you’ve learned about YOURSELF from today’s message, and confess whatever sinful ways God points out. We pray you’ll then ask the Lord to help you work on your own issues — your own “planks” that need to be removed:

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye” (Matthew 7:3-5).

“If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone” (John 8:7).

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting” (Psalm 139:23-24)

God Bless,
Cindy and Steve Wright

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