Are you an amplifier or a condenser when you communicate with your spouse? You probably never thought of using that terminology for how you talk to someone.

In giving explanation as to what those terms mean in communicating, it’s simply this: a person who is an amplifier is “someone who communicates by sharing what they have to say in great volumes of details,” according to author and psychologist Dr Norman Wright. Someone whose style of communicating is that of being a condenser is one “who is most comfortable sharing little more than what is absolutely necessary.”

Little is much in their eyes as far as how many words they use to communicate.

Dr Wright also says that:

“Amplifiers give a number of descriptive sentences as they talk, while condensers give one or two sentences. In approximately 70 percent of marriage, the man is the condenser and the woman is the amplifier.”

“Neither is a negative trait, Dr Wright points out—they’re just different as to the amount of words they use when talking and also different in what they’d prefer others to use when talking to them. Often, “the amplifier wishes his or her partner would share more, while the condenser wishes his or her partner would share less. It is only when each of you adapts to the style of your partner that real communication occurs.”

That’s a difficult thing to do—especially when each of us is sure that our way of doing things is the preferable way. But just because we think that our way of communicating is the way everyone should do it, it doesn’t mean it’s so! God created us all different, “male and female” and we need to work with our differences instead of trying to break everyone into doing things our particular way.

Stretching yourself to compromise somewhere in between each of your styles of communicating, when one is an amplifier and the other is a condenser, can be like giving a gift of grace to your spouse when they long for you to use more or less words when you’re talking to them about something.

As marriage counselor and author Dr Gary Chapman points out:

“Partnership is shared primarily by communication. One of a wife’s deepest desires is to know her husband. When he talks about his thoughts, feelings, and desires, she feels he’s allowing her into his life. When a husband goes long periods without talking about what he’s feeling or thinking, she senses that he’s cutting her out, which leads her to feel isolated.”

That’s why it’s so important if you’re a “Condenser” to try to talk more to your spouse if they’re an “Amplifier” than you might naturally do if you weren’t married to them. It’s important to the well-being of your marital relationship to do so.

But on the other hand, on behalf of someone who is “Condenser”, too many words can flood their thinking where they feel like they’re drowning in a “sea of words.”

As Dr Les Carter says:

“Don’t get too wordy. I’ve found that many people feel that more words mean more attention (or any attention). Not so. In fact, it’s usually the opposite. A few well-chosen words strike home better. So leave out minor details and if possible stream-line the presentation—stick to the point.”

Steve and I (Cindy) have struggled with this issue for years. He’s a condenser and I’m an amplifier in our speaking styles. I used to get so frustrated with him because he didn’t give me enough details when we’d talk and I thought he was withholding from me. I would hunger for him to talk to me more. When I heard about this concept, I better understood that he wasn’t purposefully withholding from me —not giving as many details just came more natural to him.

On the other hand, Steve would get frustrated with the amount of words I would use when we’d discuss anything. Now that I look back on it, I often saw his eyes kind of “glass over” as I was speaking to him in great detail. I thought it was rude of him to look so uninvolved with what I was saying but now I know he just couldn’t handle the amount of details I kept giving him. In actuality, I was being as rude to him by all the details I was giving him as I thought he was being to me!

In more recent years we’ve talked about this and have found ways to compromise on this issue. I try to be less wordy (and save the details for friends who enjoy details) and Steve tries to be wordier. What’s actually amusing is that we’ve both grown together to a certain degree in our communication styles since we’ve been working to come to a more agreeable place in this. I’m getting less wordy and Steve’s actually filling in more details when we talk together. It’s amazing!

But there are still times when we each need to bend a little more on this issue. Sometimes I forget and get too detailed when I talk to Steve so we’ve worked out a little system. For the most part Steve tries to listen to all of what I have to say—knowing that it’s usually important.

But when he’s just too tired or for some reason he needs me to talk a little less on a particular subject I’ve given him permission to give me a code word that when he says it, I know it’s as if he’s politely saying, “Please condense the amount of words you use.” (The word is “Readers Digest”—which for those of you who don’t live in the United States is the title of a magazine which condenses long articles and books into shorter versions.)

He doesn’t often use it but when he does I take the cue graciously and shorten what I have to say —and ladies, here is the important part: I don’t take offense when he uses it. I need to be gracious to him on this or it just leads to more tension.

And for Steve, sometimes I need him to be wordier when he talks to me. Sometimes I crave more details—to “enter into his life” a little more deeply. So at those times (and I try not to ask for it too often because I know that this is as painful for him to use more details as it is for me to use less) I ask him to please “talk to me more.” And Steve is most often very gracious and gives me more details and talks more.

We’ve both learned to stretch ourselves to accommodate the other on this important part of our marital relationship.

We’re both created different, and we recognize that. Different isn’t bad—it’s just different. We need to embrace our differences and work with each other on these types of things.

So as Dr Norman Wright says, “Ladies, if he’s an amplifier, go for it. If he’s a condenser, keep it brief.” And the same things go in the reverse order for you as men. Work with each other on this and you’d be surprised at how much this can improve your marital relationship!

“Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Proverbs 12:18).

God Bless!
Cindy and Steve Wright

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