What do you do when a child is born because one spouse had an extramarital affair? How do you handle the betrayal AND the birth of a child as a result of one partner cheating on another?
These are questions we receive here at Marriage Missions from time to time, and they’re very, very tough ones! It’s difficult to even know how to start, but we’re going to attempt to do so, because it’s a situation that needs to be dealt with.
As we address this issue, please be very prayerful as you read what we are sharing with you. Every situation is different. And for this reason, what you do, may need to be different for you, than for other people in a similar situation. Allow the Holy Spirit to be your Wonderful Counselor. Pay attention to how specifically He guides you, in light of what others may tell you and what you read here. But above all, make sure you follow God’s ways, above mans.
We will offer some things here for you to consider. Pray, read, and glean through what you read to apply what you believe God is telling you to use in your life. There are a few things that are for sure, and then there are some things that will be written, that will be basic counsel, which you can take or leave.
Some things that are for sure are:
- The cheating has to stop. The lies have to stop. God did not create us to lie and cheat on each other. He hates actions which demonstrate unfaithfulness.
“Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.
“You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator” (Colossians 3:5-10).
- Each day can bring a new beginning. And whether you and your spouse decide to reconcile or not, it is time for everyone to start living in Truth.
“Come back to your senses as you ought, and stop sinning; for there are some who are ignorant of God —I say this to your shame” (1 Corinthians 15:34).
“Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully, for we are all members of one body” (Ephesians 4:25).
- There is a child who is now involved in an affair that started in sin, and yet the child is completely innocent. The Bible says that children are “a gift from God.” And they are. Even if they were conceived because of a situation that was not pure or a situation that was hurtful, this child is created in the image of God and should not be treated as if he or she is lesser of a human being. Jesus Himself, showed how He valued children as a priority and a blessing, and so should we.
“See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven” (Matthew 18:10).
The following is advice, which we consider to be sound, given by Dr Phil McGraw (from the Dr Phil Show), to a man who was having difficulty in accepting a child who was born because of his spouse’s affair. Prayerfully consider what he advises:
“Don’t let your feelings about the affair reflect on your treatment of the child. The child is innocent, and had nothing to do with the actions of your partner.”
“Though it may be difficult, don’t withhold affection from the child. By keeping the child at arm’s length, you are punishing him for something he didn’t do.”
“Give yourself permission to own your feelings. Having feelings of anger doesn’t make you the bad guy in this situation. It’s painful to deal with an affair, and when that affair results in a child who becomes part of your life, you may feel like everything is being dumped on you.”
You need to do what you can to work through the stages of grief, anger and mourning, because the changes that have come upon your marriage, as a result of infidelity.
On the Marriage Missions web site, we have provided many articles, testimonies, suggested resources and web site links that you can take advantage of, to help you on this difficult journey. But we pray that, whatever you do, you will work to keep your feelings from “punishing” the child in some way.
There are so many issues to work through when a child comes as a result of an affair. And it’s not possible to cover them all in an article such as this. But we have provided for you below, a couple of links to different web site articles, which you can read through to give you additional information to pray about. We hope they will help you to make wise decisions for the future of your relationship, as well as the child’s role in your lives.
You may or may not agree with the entire content given in each article (we personally don’t agree with everything in the first article listed below). But please prayerfully consider what is written and glean what you believe God would have you do (and don’t use what you feel is contrary to God’s will for your life).
To read an article posted on the Marriage Builders web site, written by Dr Willard Harley, please click onto the link provided below:
Another article can be found on the Beyond Affairs web site, written by Anne Bercht. Please click onto the link provided below to read it:
Also, if you can give some additional information and insights to help others who will be reading this article, please share it in the comment section provided below.
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(BOTSWANA) All I wanted to say is thank you. I got to your web site through a friend. You have really helped me deal with my own issues. I have a lot of stuff going on in my marriage and my husband always refuses to go for counselling. He has cheated and explained himself a little bit and then reacted every time I tried to ask. He has even claimed I am the one who drove him to do it.
He has also lied about his past. I discovered after six years in marriage that he had a 12 year old son. At first he pretended not to have known, only later on when I accepted the child he turned around to reveal that he did know about the child. But he never mentioned him even during our engagement.
I have honestly been going through a roller coaster of emotions dealing with all these alone but your web site has shown me that I am not alone and has also shown me a way forward in the midst of all this mess. Thank you very much.
(BOTSWANA) I just wanted to say thank you. Your web site is very helpful and I really appreciate it. I got answers to some questions and insight to some issues. Thank very much.
(USA) I don’t think I can get past it. I’m so tired of the whole situation. The only thing I want to do is raise my son and make sure he’s taken care of. I don’t want to be bothered with it anymore. I just want to be left alone.
(SA) I have been visiting this site since 2008. The articles have really helped me. My marriage has been on en emotional "roller coaster" since 2003. We were both "in the world" when my husband & I met. I had a child from a previous relationship which he accepted at the time & grew to love as his own. I began my spiritual journey after we met.
We never had any boundaries in our marriage & he did as he pleased through most of our 15 year marriage. I had emotional baggage from the past & failed to recognize the warning signs.
I was pregnant with our 3Rd child in 2003, when his affair began & I found out about it during my 7Th month of pregnancy. I gave him a choice, stay or leave but again failed to lay down any boundaries. He was very remorseful & elected to remain in the marriage but refused to deal with the affair i.e.. reasons etc.
We discovered a year later that a child was conceived during his affair. He refused to deal with the whole situation stating each of us must work on our hurt in our own way. I did not want to force the issue & decided to give my his space believing he would do the right thing.
I discovered in 2008 that he was still in contact with the woman he had the affair with & had formed a relationship with the child they have together. He did not speak to me of his intentions to make contact with them, clearly because he had a "hidden agenda" in mind.
Feeling betrayed all over again & very hurt, angry, etc, I asked him to move out & have since begun my long & painful journey of restoration. I have surrendered to GOD & have put my trust in him for complete healing. I have mentioned to him that divorce is not an option for me & would prefer he institute same.
Closure is the most difficult thing for me to do & believe that if its GOD’s will, he will re-open the door again as only he is able to do.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I recently started visiting your site. A friend who knows nothing about my situation sent me an article with your link. I believe it is through God’s hand. By reading your articles I’m gradually finding so much help.
I received Christ into my life in 1988 and forever love the Lord with all my heart. I married in 1994 and was blessed with four beautiful kids. Our marriage and family life has always been a marvel to watch. God prospered me in my area of work which compensates for my wife’s role as a housewife. In 2007 I got a senior position in government that required that I stay some 350km from home, a first experience in my nearly 15 years of marriage.
Counselling a female colleague who had marital problems landed me in the worst trouble of my life. We developed feelings for each other and currently my spiritual life has hit the kind of doldrums I never imagined. My spirit grieves daily and I’m trying so hard to flee this situation before it hurts my wife, my family and my church. I’ve let my God down terribly and daily cry for His forgiveness and restoration. I regret the moment I did not take flight when she confessed she has feelings for me. Cheating is one evil I never imagined I could fall into but now I have to deal with. IT’S SO PAINFUL!!!
(USA) I am a 25 year old female. My daughter’s father and I are not married even though we have been together for four years + at this point. I always knew he was cheating and was something I could deal with because it never lasted long and he would always come home to me. But this last time it was different. He wouldn’t leave the girl alone and kept doing things behind my back, i.e. calling, texting, emailing her. While she’s pregnant and it’s not just her, at least one other girl who is still pregnant and one who had an abortion.
I am more bitter and disappointed by all of this because I had my second abortion in Jan 09 because he begged me and said that we really weren’t ready. We fought about it for weeks before I did it. I really wanted the baby but felt as if I loved him more we could work it out and make things work. I stepped out on him three times over our four year period. His count is over seven.
I have asked him if you could ask the person, who you say you love to have an abortion, why not her? He can’t answer that. I can’t bring myself to forgive him, yet I want him to stay. I don’t want her to have his baby and I know that is selfish of me but I really don’t think it’s fair to me, to watch other people have joy from my pain.
I have always known she was trouble and tried to show him but he was blind by their two way love. I really don’t know what to do. I love this man to death but can’t bear myself to deal with the child from the affair. Sometimes I tell myself if he didn’t care for her so much, I could handle it but he does and I believe that is what is killing me. I need help. I pray on it everyday.
(UK) Shatiqua, I find it hard to believe that you are still able to love this cheating liar. Are you the most forgiving person in the whole world or are you a walk-over? It is so clear from what you’ve written that this excuse of a guy doesn’t love you. Do you even know what it is like to be in a true loving relationship? It certainly doesn’t involve the abuse and betrayal he’s giving you.
If he loved you he would not have sex, relationships and kids with other women. He is very uncaring by what you describe, and also he is very cruel to ask you to have an abortion. Why do you want him in your life? His affairs and cheating will only get worse because he is not even addressing the issue. You are still young enough to rebuild your life. Cut your losses, take your daughter and leave him before you find yourself totally dependant of this person and too old to care. Life and youth are precious.
(USA) Hi Shatiqua, I’m not really sure how we can help you — other than pray for you because there are so many levels where things are really messed up in your life. I’m not sure, as well, if you realize that this is a Christian web site. Most any answers would be from a Christian perspective. But with that in mind… here is my reply to you (it’s up to you as to what you want to do with the advice given):
1. From what I see, you don’t have many "rights" with this man because you aren’t married. You even said that you "always knew he was cheating" but you felt you could deal with it. Why would you think he would always come back if you haven’t shown him that you’re valuable enough to hold onto? Shatiqua, why would you hold your standards for how men treat you, so low? When you do this, you cheapen who you appear to be and you end up getting what you expect — nothing good.
When God loved you enough to allow you to be born, He expected you to live to a higher standard. Read the Bible and you will see this to be true. I pray you will raise your standards.
2. This man sure doesn’t seem to be fidelity-driven in any way. He is obviously driven by getting what he wants when he wants it and whoever is hurt in the process is ok with him as long as HE doesn’t personally get hurt in some way. And what’s amazing is the fact that women like yourself are letting him use you like this!
Come on Shatiqua… don’t allow yourself to be cheapened like this! You claim you "love" this man who doesn’t show he loves you in return, except to sleep with you when he wants to? What kind of love is that? And what is there to love about him? It seems like there is a lot to leave alone, but to love?
Handing over your love to this man will only cause you to be used and abused. This man obviously has charm… but behind his charm, there doesn’t seem to be a heart to love you back as you should be loved. Please consider all you are throwing away on someone who only cares about himself.
3. You obviously aren’t ready for a monogamous relationship either because as you said, you "stepped out on him three times." Again, I’m not sure what help you’re expecting if you aren’t acting in a faithful manner yourself. If you don’t act faithful, you can’t expect anyone else to be faithful to you. Whether he started the cheating, or you did, isn’t relevant… you both became cheaters. One wrong action doesn’t justify another. He justifies his actions and you justify yours. I really can’t see much difference.
4. And then there are the abortions. Having an abortion is NOT a good way of arranging for birth control and eliminating problems. These are real human beings that you are dealing with — not toys or trash to be vacuumed away. You are attempting to play God when you stop their hearts from beating.
You say that you "pray" on your situation everyday. But what do you think God is thinking of all of this? I think His heart is breaking. Please, please, please Shatiqua, raise your standards of how you’re living and what you expect from others. Someone needs to be a hero here to stop this type of behavior. You’re hurting yourself, others, and especially… you’re hurting God’s heart by living your life in a way that shows you devalue the gift of life that God gave to you, when He breathed life into you.
Be a contributor in this world to make it a better place to live — not only for yourself but for others. That’s what Christ did for you and the Bible tells us to do the same. Turn away from the bad and embrace the good. God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life, Shatiqua. I pray you will participate with Him in living out that plan. You and the whole world will be all the richer because of it.
I hope you will consider what I am writing. I only write this because I truly do care!
(UNITED STATES) NO comments now. I am going through a lot in my marriage and would like lots of Bible verse to strengthen me and prayers. I hope next time l come back l will be able to share.
(ZIMBABWE) Thank you for such a blessing web site. Marriage is such a challenge. How do you reach out to a spouse who is not a Christian? How do you make him understand God ’s plan for marriage, or what God expects of him in a marriage?
(ZIMBABWE) One thing for sure is that the Lord hates divorce. it is the devil’s doing that he cause all this in marriages. Lets allow and seek the Lord’s counsel and the Lord’s will in our life. He will take us through for he said in 1 Corinthians10: 13 that “there is no temptation taken you but such is common to man, but God is faithful who will not suffer you to be tempted above that you are able but will with the temptation also make a way to escape that you may be able to bear it”
This is a great challenge and a great temptation for us all especially when a child resulted from the extra marital affair. all I can say is love that child and know that the Lord is always watching you; in due course he will reward us accordingly. If you mistreat the child, you are still rewarded accordingly, its the same if you love that child. I pray that we get strengthened by the spirit of the living God