When a Wife Doesn’t Want to Have Sex
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I’m going to approach this article a bit differently than others I’ve written because I feel a need to address both women and men on this matter, because it DOES matter. It’s a struggle, whether you’re the wife or the husband. Both feel very strongly about this part of their marriage.
I totally agree with something Dr Phil McGraw has said on his television program,
“Sex might not be everything but it registers higher (90 percent) on the ‘importance scale’ if it’s a source of frustration in your relationship. If your sex life is unfulfilled, it becomes a gigantic issue. On the other hand, couples that have satisfying sex lives rate sex at only 10 percent on the ‘importance scale.’” (From Ten Relationship Myths)
For both husband and wife, it’s a huge problem if they aren’t in agreement.
First, to the men who are struggling because their wife doesn’t respond to your approaches. I can’t even start to know the frustration you’re experiencing. I can guess, and I’ve listened to men (and my own husband) as they’ve voiced their anxiety and grief and utter angst over this issue, but not being a man, I don’t really understand it in the same way another man would.
So, when I came across a series of articles written by Paul Byerly (who along with his wife Lori, have a web site called The Marriage Bed —Paul also has web site called The Generous Husband), and I saw the value of what Paul has written, I determined to let him address this issue from a man’s perspective. So men, please read the following series of articles posted on The-generous-husband.com web site (and you may even want to question him about this matter):
• WHY WIVES SAY NO TO SEX, AND WHAT A MAN CAN DO ABOUT IT
And then Neil Black, on the web site, Power to Change, wrote the following articles, which you may find helpful:
• HELP! MY WIFE DOESN’T WANT SEX
• HELP! MY WIFE DOESN’T WANT SEX – Part 2
I hope men find the above series of articles, from both Paul Byerly and Neil Black, helpful!
And for wives who are saying no to having sex with your husbands, I realize that this is a complex issue, as well. There are so many reasons why you may not want to make love to your husband with some of them being lack of desire, his cleanliness, his demanding, abusive, controlling ways, which turn you off when you consider having any loving, physical contact with him, pornography issues —either his or yours, where satisfaction is being achieved through false, sinful entertainment. We deal with many of those issues in other topics of this web site. Please search for them.
There’s also busyness, where you’re just plain too tired to make love to your husband because of the demands of children and job obligations, household chores, etc. Lori Byerly, of The-generous-wife.com wrote a blog on this, that you may find insightful (I sure did —probably because I have had to make similar decisions):
• GET YOUR PRIORITIES IN ORDER BEFORE SAYING YES
These issues are also addressed in other topics of this web site (with links provided to others). Please seek and you will find. It’s not that they will give instant answers, or every answer, but I believe you will find the inspiration and at least some help to make necessary changes so you save at least a part of your energy to connect with your marriage partner.
Also, there is the problem of past abuse from other men and how it may be haunting you today. When your husband touches you it sends off memory triggers, which remind you of the horrible hurt you went through earlier in life. It may also have stripped your desire to have even a loving husband touch you.
I can relate. I’ve been there and have worked through that extremely difficult situation. I write a bit about it in the article:
• WHEN PAST SEXUAL ABUSE AFFECTS A MARRIAGE’S INTIMACY
If this is what you are dealing with, there’s also a few other articles you may want to read:
• SEXUAL OBSTACLES: Healing an Emotional Wound
There may be other issues, such as addictions (yours and/or his), and bitterness over marriage situations (we have articles on those issues on this web site, as well).
But whatever it is, please work on it. They say that “whoever wants sex the least has the most power in bed.” That seems to be true. If a lot of withholding is going on, there is a power struggle going on and the bedroom is “a lousy place for a battle of the will.”
I agree that there are seasons where we need to work on issues, pertaining to our sex life together, but when it drags on to more than a “season” then there are problems. The Bible tells us,
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and like-wise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1 Corinthians 7:3-5)
You had to have known that before you married that isn’t good to deprive one another. Being intimate and exclusive with each other is all part of being married. If you wanted to withhold having sex with your spouse, you shouldn’t have married.
Perhaps you have changed or your husband has changed in your libido or your desire in wanting to make love. Keep in mind that marriage is not all about you. This is a partnership. And just like your husband needs to work with you on compromises, you need to work with him on compromises too.
But be careful in how you do this. Don’t just lay there and let him have his way, while you pout and think, “just get it over with.” Ultimately, that won’t satisfy your husband (or you) either. Marriage is about giving. If you look in the Bible, you see throughout it, that we’re told it’s more blessed to give than to receive. We’re also told to serve one another, with a good heart. Jesus was our ultimate example in being a servant. As we’re told in Philippians 2 we’re to, “have this same attitude.“
You know deep in your heart if you’re being difficult with your husband. You know deep in your heart if you’re asking more of him than you should —letting him know that he won’t get it from you. And yet you’re expecting him to be celibate because you also expect him to stay faithful in all ways.
Yes, he should stay faithful. That’s what God expects of him too. But if you are not being intimate with him if he wants and needs you, you’re putting temptation in front of him. You’re putting him in a corner where he can feel trapped. He can’t be intimate with you and yet he has needs. A life sentence of celibacy can be a frightening life for someone who needs that connection with the one he loves and has sexual desires that won’t quit plaguing him.
I have to admit that there have been times when I didn’t “want it” when my husband approached me. There was even a LONG period of time when I was dealing with past sexual issues where I denied my husband. I now know that I was wrong in what I did and what I expected of him. It’s not that I needed to meet his every need when I was hurting so deeply inside. But I was wrong in not getting the help that I needed so we didn’t stay stuck in that place for as long as we were.
My husband pleaded with me and I just looked the other way thinking, “he just needs to control himself. He should understand how painful this is for me.”
And yes, it wouldn’t have been too much for some of that to happen, where he could “control himself” for a period of time while I was in therapy. And yes, as my marital partner, he should understand (to a certain degree) how painful this was for me. But I took it way beyond reasonable. He COULDN’T understand. He had never been abused in that way. He couldn’t have known the depth of pain. And even if he tried to understand (which he did), I needed to get help so I could work through my issues and we could work together on ours so this wasn’t something I expected from him without an end in sight.
I was being unreasonable in my expectations of him. He married me in good faith that we would be marriage partners and I was withdrawing an important connection in that partnership. And whether it was because of past abuse or whatever, it was not reasonable for me to ask my husband to stay pure and yet not be with me either. I feel that is true in most every marriage.
If there are physical, emotional, or whatever reasons why you can’t get together, please work on them. Don’t deny your spouse and sentence him to a life without you or anyone else. He wants you and no one else. Please work on your issues.
If the reason you cant be with him is because of physical pain or because of some other physical reason, then work with doctors on this. If it isn’t something that can be resolved (and you’re truthful —that it really can’t be resolved), then find other ways to satisfy him. But do it with a good attitude. And if you can’t do things in a “conventional” method because of physical limitations, then find ways to satisfy each other in other ways. Be creative. Keep in mind that the important thing is that you are together, man and wife, without any other human being involved (physically or visually). This is YOUR time to be together. Please don’t ask your husband to lead a celibate life if that is not what he desires.
As I admitted before, there was a long, long (unreasonably long) season where I pulled back from being intimate with my husband. Eventually, I woke up and realized that I had a good guy I was married to. He didn’t deserve to be another victim to what had happened to me in the past. I got help and we eventually came together and have loved on each other since.
But even so, even though my past is not an issue any longer, there have been a few dry spells where I haven’t wanted it as much as my husband has. The book, Sacred Sex: A Spiritual Celebration of Oneness in Marriage
God showed me that when my husband needed to be close to me in that way, to try to never deny him. Sure there are some times when I fall to bed exhausted or I’m not feeling well, when he approaches me. But instead of totally denying him, I either offer a “quickie” or ask him if we can be together at another time (and then I make sure it’s soon). My husband is a reasonable man and that has worked for us.
And if it’s just because I don’t “feel like it” —even then, I offer the same. But most of the time, even if I don’t feel like it, I’ve learned to pray. I ask God to give me the desire. I know that there is a spiritual component mixed into the intimate time my husband and I have together.
I’ve had times where I’ve started out with NO desire to make love to my husband when he has needed it, but as I pray and concentrate on giving love to my husband —lavishing him with love that comes from a heart filled with the love of God, eventually, I’m totally into it. I’m enjoying loving my husband as much as he is in loving me. It becomes TOTALLY satisfying and enjoyable. I never knew that God would answer that type of prayer, but He sure does!
I hope what I’m writing here helps in some way. I know that there are circumstances where we just don’t want it. And most husbands have those times too, but please make it your mission to work on whatever it is that is standing in the way of intimately connecting with your marriage partner in this important way.
I want to close with something that was written in the above mentioned book, Intimate Issues:
“Making the right decision is never easy but there are benefits to adopting the right attitude. When we choose to love selflessly, we honor God, we make our husbands happy, and we find more pleasure in our lovemaking.
“Dying to self is difficult, but it is necessary if you want to grow in godliness. Being godly means having a godly attitude. Godly attitudes result in godly actions, such as giving your body to your husband. This is easier if you surrender to God and allow His Spirit to work within you. ‘Nothing is impossible with God‘ (Luke 1:37, NIV). He is able to give you desire where none existed before. He can help you exchange wrong thinking with godly thinking. He can cause you to enjoy deeper intimacy than you ever thought possible.
“God, I confess that I have not always appreciated Your gift of sex —or even wanted it. I have shunned You and withheld my body from my husband. Forgive me. I want to be a willing and creative lover —but it’s hard. Please stir up in me passion and desire for my husband. help me get my mind off myself to You and humbly ask that You behind now to work in me.”
This article was written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.
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(USA) As I’ve said before, I’ve yet to see in the Bible where it says to withhold sex. If you want to withhold something, withhold something you are probably not a fan of, such as laundry, dishes, mowing the lawn, taking out the trash, etc. The Bible is clear that we are NOT to withhold sex.
I’ve never understood the logic in withholding something because you don’t feel close to your spouse when what you are withholding is one of the most basic means of creating and cultivating your most intimate connection with your spouse. It’s as if you cut off your nose to spite your face should you choose to withhold sex.
(USA) It’s hard for a wife to completely grasp her hubby’s overwhelming need for sexual intimacy. Just as it is difficult for males to understand that females don’t always share this overwhelming need. We are physically wired differently. Yes, God counsels that this need is not neglected. When I did research and fully understood male biology of sexual intimacy, I finally fully understood my role in fulfilling my husband’s most important need. AND reciprocally, I was able to coach my husband to understand why my libido didn’t always match his. It wasn’t a matter of withholding, it was that we weren’t in sync with each other. Communication, was the actual key to solving our friction and restoring healthy sexual intimacy.
(USA) Great comment Pearl! Yes communication is very important. My husband and I do not communicate with each other. When he comes home from work, he goes straight to the basement, and I am always upstairs doing chores or with the children.
(USA) I must confess I am guilty of withholding sex from my husband. He also does it at times. It is hard to find time or energy for sex when I have to: be a mom and student, do laundry, clean the house, cook, wash dishes, mow the law, wash the cars, run errands, take my son to get his haircut, and the list goes on. I know there isn’t a valid excuse for my actions or his. We all fall short of God’s glory. At the end of the day that is the last thing on my mind. I know I need to change my way of thinking.
(USA) Hi Shannon, You might try reading my post at OysterBed7 called ‘Why Sex?’ http://www.oysterbed7.com/2012/04/why-sex.html It explains the male biology of sex. It helped me be more sympathetic and pro-active in our sexual intimacy. I hope it’s of value to you. Blessings!
(US) Well-written article and great to hear from a woman’s perspective. I need to show this to my wife, though she likely won’t act on it nor change her views, as she’s read some books on Christian marital sex I’ve bought.
Am always trying to approach her, though maybe too much. We haven’t had sex since March, and it’s driving me crazy.
(USA) I just can’t get it through my head that my wife won’t even touch me or just avoids me, let alone we haven’t had sex since the ice age. I’m so drained worrying why my wife won’t have sex with me anymore. It takes 5 minutes or less. Really a person doesn’t have time because they’re so busy, yet can go spend money shopping. I don’t get it. I need something in return, right? Why is it so difficult to cope with? No wonder why I have so many gray hairs. I treat her as a queen. Happy wife is a happy life. Well, that’s not true anymore. Any help?
(U.S.) My husband has a lot of stress at work & brings it home to me. He has had trouble with drinking and he combines pills (prescription) with alcohol and was doing pot. He got violent, damaged things, said crazy things, and had blackouts. So now he is not doing pot…drinking only one martini a day (although I think he sneaks shots of alchohol). I left when he became violent & made threats to hurt himself & others who bother him at work. I’m back to see if he has stopped & he has somewhat. He’s getting counseling and listening to tapes, but nothing controls his temper. He is mad at everything & everyone that doesn’t performs up to his standards. He constanty corrects me for everything, speaks in an angry tone no matter what he says & his body language is angry. He always wants to argue. I try to be quiet…I want peace!
He emotionally abuses me (not physically). He stuck his head through a wall, hit his fist many times in the wall, put a shirt around his neck and threatened to hurt himself…all under influence of who knows what? That’s when I left when it got to that point. He continually apologizes after a few days or weeks of being angry. He says he’s sorry and he knows he’s taking it out on me. Usually he blames it on work, sometimes on the way he was brought up. He has all the common traits of an alcoholic, but he said he always had that personality even before he started drinking.
Anyway, the problem is, I go through stages…especially when he has a long period of anger before he apologizes that I don’t want him to even touch me. I don’t feel angry, just very disapointed that he never changes. I feel his words are insincere. I have normal desires..physically. I come out of this mood after a while when he apologizes, but I’m afraid someday I’ll never come out of it. Any advice?
He always seems sincerely sorry, says he doesn’t want to be angry….he just is. How long do I give him to come out of this? We’ve only been married for 6 months. I wouldn’t have married him if I knew he had an anger problem, or an addiction problem. In fact I feel I was tricked…he said he didn’t drink & wanted a happy marriage.
Carol, How long did you date before marrying? And were there “red flags” that you didn’t pay attention to, thinking they would go away after marriage?
(U.S.) We dated 9 months. The red flags were small, explained away by him with, all the things we had to do before marriage, sale my house, out of town, his work was very stressful, changing formats of computers, planning a wedding, visiting his family. There were small tantrums over things not working right. I believed him. He said he normally wasn’t like that and went with the flow like me. I’m laid back. He said he didn’t drink… drank fake beers.
I found out he is an alcoholic. He admitted it one time & said he didn’t tell me cause I wouldn’t have dated him, although now he says he just went to AA meetings in the past so he wouldn’t become one. He admitted to having all the common traits common to alcholics but he always had those even growing up. He admitted all this after marriage.
I remember after finding out he had Irish heritage. I joked, they have tempers, oh, oh. He said sternly, does it look like I have a temper? I thought he was joking cause of his dry sense of humor. Evidently he was irritated over the comment. On our wedding day I almost backed out because he was angry in body language & words all day. But he had excuses & I dismissed it as stress. I said “I do” but felt like running away inside. I should have.
I wouldn’t have dated him if I knew he had anger or drinking problems. I think I was defrauded. I wanted a peaceful uplifting marriage on both sides. Would God excuse this marriage since I was deceived? I know he would forgive me. I wish I could get an annulment by man & God. I would appreciate Godly advice. I have a stress rash all over and have been very depressed & staying home for long periods. I forgive him …I’m not withholding sex because of anger. I have normal desires. But when he tries to touch me… I just don’t want him to right now. This has happened before. He admits he’s taking his anger out on me and says he’s sorry. It takes me a while to come around, again & again… after he’s on good behavior for a while. But what if some day I won’t come out of this? I just am closed off from him except for talking right now. He knows why its happened before. I’d appreciate comments. God bless!
Carol, This is one of those really tough calls. I’m not sure what you should do, honestly, except to say that 6 months is not a long time to be married and then consider divorce, even if you feel you were deceived. Truly, your husband needs to get more serious about anger and impulse control. If this counselor isn’t helping and its been a while that he has been going to him or her, then he needs to get a different counselor. That happens sometimes that you need to change counselors.
Also, if he’s serious about being “sorry” and wants things to work out, he needs to stop using substances. Going to AA is one of many steps. Obviously, he can’t handle substances of any kind. It’s destroying your marriage and will eventually destroy his life. He might think it helps him to handle stress, but if it contributes to that type of anger and behavior, he’s just relieving one type of stress and is adding on additional, more damaging stress –especially to you and your relationship. What you describe is not “normal” ways of handling stress. If he conducted himself at work and elsewhere like he does with you, he’d lose his job and probably be arrested. How is that working for him in de-stressing? A marriage license does not give him license to be abusive. His ways of handling and expressing anger when he is with you is abusive.
You may need to separate for a while, if he doesn’t get more serious about working on his issues. Please wipe divorce out of your thoughts right now. You need to put more energy into figuring out how to work things out, rather than dumping out. But separation is a definite option. (Just make sure that you don’t use it as a time to get friendly with anyone else and you look at it as a way to work on your marital issues with a bit of distance between you. You can read more in our “Separation and Divorce” topic.)
As far as an annulment –there isn’t a magic eraser in life where you can use it to wipe out that which needs changing. You took a terrible risk with only knowing this man for 9 months before marrying –that’s not long enough. But you did marry and now you need to put the work into this to try to work through these issues in a determined way, placing proper boundaries so abuse won’t be a continuing theme. I wish you well on this Carol. I pray the Lord helps you and guides you and gives you insight and hope for a better future.
(U.S.) Thank you. I see what you mean about separating if he doesn’t show signs of change & changing counselors if that doesn’t produce results. It seems like we were at a stand still… stuck in one place for so long. I am praying that God shows me what he is trying to teach me in this trial.
I did get a revelation about harboring anger & resentment because of my treatment. So even if he did do something nice I always saw it as trying to make up for being so bad because he always repeated the behavior again. I almost resented it… or looked at it as insincere… thinking he is so abusive & then he tries to make up with one good act & expects me to to just kiss & makeup over & over. It’s almost like saying I’m sorry but repeating again & again negative behavior.
I saw a Joyce Meyers sermon. It seemed to speak to me. She said it’s important how we handle the trial while we go through it –that God is wanting to teach us something. So I told my husband I was sorry. I realized I had anger inside & I did want to make the marriage work. That freed me and gave me at peace with myself & I think that’s what God was trying to teach me. So whatever happens I know that I am giving 100%… not holding anything back. If my husband does the same then we will succeed. If not, I will separate as you mentioned. This is an excellent idea. Thank you & God bless!
(USA) Sooo what I get out of this is… If I don’t want to do it, talk myself into doing it anyways to please my husband and God while losing myself inside.
(USA) Hello Sara, We have to remember that in marriage, everything we do in it is unto GO whether we enjoy it or not. HE doesn’t care about what our feelings say. HE only wants us to be willing and obedient. We must stop trying to operate in our marriages in the flesh. Stay encouraged Sara, because I don’t know your situation. Remember GOD will never give you a man that cannot lead and you are definitely not a woman who cannot follow. It’s all to please HIM!!
(USA) Well, the reason I’m here is I must care about what God wants and my husband wants/needs. I really struggle in this area of godly sexuality. I am beginning to think much is because of my disobedience of having sex outside marriage prior to my current marriage. I get offended when my spouse sins against me regarding sex, which turns me off from wanting sex. I pray God gives me clarity about what the core issue is. I often feel more like an object even when I try to have a godly attitude. I don’t or cannot see where the blockage is in my mind about this area! We are married and it should be okay and I should want to be with my spouse!
I am coming to see and agree this IS a real need for men and not that they or my spouse just wants to use and take advantage of me. Why is it so complicated in my mind? I wish God could cleanse my mind in regards to sexuality! Sometimes I am positive and pumped about it and it’s well, but when I really think how I feel about it I must be honest and acknowlege I don’t want to be intimate. And the conclusion why is that it feels empty, meaningless, and like an act (in my mind). Maybe my spouse really cares about me, however. Maybe he truly loves me? I struggle to believe this… especially when his actions reenforce… this area is not special. Any thoughts!?
(USA) My wife is ready to divorce me right now. We haven’t had a sex life in forever. In a recent argument, I admitted that I masterbated to relieve sexual tension. I’ve done it since I was young, and hoped to get away from it during marriage. But when my wife was pregnant with our son, all drive seemed to have been lost on her part. So what now? Counseling? Didn’t go across well. My wife is disgusted with me like I’m some sort of sicko.
(USA) Well, I have been married for 15 years to an alcaholic who uses pot regularly. When he drinks and/or smokes pot, his personality changes. Normally he is very negative, controlling and critical of everything and especially me. However, after her drinks it escalates. He talks non-stop, even when I walk away from it. He follows me to talk more.
I live with Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde. He puts on his temporary facad in front of people especially new ones, but eventually, his negative and critical side comes out. This is all the explanation I felt was necessary to state my point. I do not want to have sex with him when he is drunk. He is disgusting to me. All the negtive feelings come rushing to my head as soon as I see him. I have told him that when he can stay without drink through the day, then I will make love to him, alas to no avail.
He does want sex every day, but it seems disgusting to me to lay with him while he is drunk. Do I have to? I have stayed in the marriage because I know God hates divorce. Also, I am a coward too. Even though, thank God, I have a good job. I am scared.
(USA) I encourage you to visit a local AlAnon meeting.