“When baby makes three… A solid, stable relationship between partners is especially important when children enter the picture for two reasons. The first is because parents model how to have a loving relationship. The second is because it’s a lot more fun” (Sherry Finneran).

That quote should especially challenge those of us who are Christians who are married, who have any influence on children—whether they’re our own or not. If we’re to be authentic in who we say we are, we should ask ourselves, “Is how we interact with each other a model of how to have a loving Christ-centered relationship? Are we a Bible - ‘LIVING’ example to those God puts into our influence?

In the Bible, the apostle Paul stated, “If only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me” (Acts 20:24). What task has the Lord Jesus given you especially in light of being partners in marriage and in parenting as partners for life?

We’d like to take the next two weeks to focus on segments of an article written in the Richmond Parents Monthly entitled “Marriage Matters: The Little Things Matter the Most” by Barbara Inger. It focuses mostly on the aspect of keeping the lines of communication open in your married life after you become parents.

But for those of you who aren’t parents or have already passed this phase of life there’s still a lot in these messages that will be for you. We hope you’ll read through and use them for discussion times in your own lives together and that you’ll ask God to show you who would benefit from what the author has to say so you can pass these messages onto them.

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She writes: Divorce Magazine found that one million children each year were involved in new divorces nationwide (as of 1997). The figures haven’t been compiled yet for 200l and 2002, but nearly half of the couples marrying today can expect to be divorced within 10 years. Living “happily ever after” continues to be nothing more than a fairy-tale dream for millions of families.

“When baby makes three… A solid, stable relationship between partners is especially important when children enter the picture” according to Sherry Finneran, MS Ed., co-director and consultant at the Family Education Center.

The catch is that along with the joy that children bring, their needs and demands often raise to the surface and aggravate any pre-existing problems a couple has experienced. Unresolved problems from your own childhood can bubble up, threaten and even sink a relationship.

If you know anyone who dreamed that having a child would cure an ailing marriage, you no doubt understand the problem. That is, with every additional member of your household, there’s more stress on those already there.

Jesse Rabinowitz, Ph.D. (director of Psychological Services at Jewish Family Services) says children present big challenges and an often difficult transition for a marriage. “Parenthood can be an isolating experience, particularly if the other parent is working, [because] support networks have thinned out [and] we don’t have family nearby,” explains Rabinowitz.

“Couples have less time together. Sleep deprivation leads to greater difficulties in negotiating the emotional terrain of a relationship and people feel neglected because (an utterly dependent) baby soaks up so much nurturing and energy.”

The period following a baby’s birth can be a “dangerous time” for a marriage, according to Dalia Cohen (MS, LPC, and certified therapist). She often sees clients for the 1st time after they’ve had a child. “People have affairs. The woman is bonding with the child and the man is feeling that he’s not important or useful,” she says. Some are “insecure and afraid of repeating patterns.”

If you’re suffering from abuse and/or insurmountable depression, engaged in constant arguments and fights, uncovering or participating in an extramarital affair, your marriage is obviously crying out for help.

“Your marriage is in trouble if you feel alone in the relationship, you’re the only one doing things, you’re not excited about your partner coming home, or you can talk to anyone but your spouse,” says Cohen. A lack of communication means the relationship is in jeopardy. The most dangerous sign is if you just stop caring. “The opposite of love is not hate; it’s indifference.”

What can couples do to avoid trouble, maintain and strengthen their partnership? There’s no magic. You’ve just got to make it a priority. “Decide that you’re not going to let [your relationship] go. Be committed to making it work and to being in the marriage for the long haul,” says Teresa Parr, Parent Coaching Consultant.

“Babies are loud about what they need. Marriages are not,” Parr says. “It’s easy to neglect each other because other things are more urgent, but you have to save some time and energy for your spouse.” Making time for each other may not be easy, but it’s essential. Schedule time together just as you would a meeting. “Put it on your calendar,” urges Cohen. Even half an hour to talk and share your feelings will serve as a tonic for your relationship.

Good communication is “the blood flow of the relationship,” says Cohen. Tell each other what you want and need without criticism or accusation. Avoid using words such as “always” or “never.” Even when you disagree, “honor the differences” between you, says Finneran. You do that by listening carefully and respectfully to your partner. Listen. Suggest and discuss ideas. Then, make your decisions together.

James and Marianne Marcus have been married for 15 years and have two sons, ages 10 and 12. “We make decisions together about almost everything,” says James. “We had very different experiences growing up. We both need to be disciplined, knowing we’re coming from two different directions, so that we reach a mutually satisfying decision.”

Finneran advises scheduling 10 minutes of conversation per day, half an hour to an hour per week for a “marriage meeting” to discuss schedules and resolve conflicts AND one weekly date. If it sounds impossible, try to incorporate these times into your schedule, one by one, little by little.

• Can’t do a weekly date? How about going out twice a month for a meal or a movie? Go bowling or play miniature golf.

• Short of money? Take a walk together.

• Can’t leave your child? Take the baby with you when you go to a restaurant. Ask relatives or friends to baby-sit. Switch childcare duties with other parents or join a babysitting co-op.

• If you can’t escape the house for a date, reserve half an hour for each other after the kids go to sleep. “Sit up when you crawl into bed instead of lying down and falling asleep”.

• Get up early on a weekend morning to have coffee together.

• Allow the kids to watch a video while you talk and snuggle. But please, there should be no discussion of problems; this is your time to nurture each other.

• “Set boundaries for the kids, so you have adult time,” says Cohen. Teach your little ones that when the door to Mommy and Daddy’s room is closed, they must knock. And they can enter only when you say so.

• As the children mature and you feel comfortable leaving them with a caregiver for a longer period, going away might be just the refresher your marriage needs.

Chris and Noelle Lavach left their pre-school daughter and son in the care of Chris’ parents while they took a much-needed vacation in St. Croix. Despite initial concerns about being so far away from the kids and spending money on themselves, their trip turned out to be more worthwhile than they had anticipated. “We had fun. We were getting along better. When we came back, we felt it was something that had really benefited our whole family,” Noelle says.

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What about your marriage— are you making the time to connect with each other? We hope you will without delay because if you don’t, eventually you could find your relationship anemic at best. Continual healthy communication is the “life-blood of a good marriage.”Next week we’ll share additional thoughts of Barbara Ingber’s plus a few of our own. Also, if you have any other marriage tips on this or any subject, please let us know so we can pass them along to others. Together we can make a positive difference in more lives than we’ll ever know this side of heaven—but what a joy it will bring into all of eternity for the cause of Kingdom work! 

Our love and prayers are with you,
Steve and Cindy Wright

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