What happens to the titanic number of sexually abused men and women when they marry and enter regular sexual experiences with their mates? One study published in Contemporary Family Therapy estimates that 56 percent of women who were sexually abused as children feel discomfort during sex and 36 percent seek some sort of sexual therapy.
Although I told my husband, Patrick, about the abuse while we were dating, after we were married, I pretended immunity from my past trauma. But keeping up the charade wasn’t so easy, since sex reminded me of the abuse. I didn’t tell Patrick, though, because I felt guilty, as though I were a poor wife.
I hoped somehow I could work out everything through sheer willpower. So throughout our early married life, I tolerated sex, never letting Patrick know how much I was hurting. I’m not sure if I even knew the extent of my pain, at least enough to verbalize it.
When our eldest daughter turned five, however, I began to relive the molestation I’d experienced at her age. I felt the horror afresh. I saw those brothers steal my innocence on muddied nature trails, in secluded playgrounds, and in their bedroom…
The above is an excerpt from an article titled, Opening the Door to Healing… When Childhood Sexual Abuse Affects Marriage Intimacy, written by Mary DeMuth, featured in the Fall 2005 issue of Marriage Partnership Magazine www.marriagepartnership.com.
This article not only tells how the past affected Mary’s marriage —especially sexually, but it also gives “Coping Strategies,” plus Mary’s husband Patrick tells his story in all of this. You’re also given the opportunity to discuss this article on the Marriage Partnership’s “Help and Healing” Message Board.
To read the article in its entirety we’ll send you to their web site article.
To do so:
— ALSO —
Below is a web site link to a “Question and Answer” article on this subject of past sexual abuse that you may also find to be helpful. Please click onto the link below to read:
• HOW CAN I GET ON WITH LIFE DESPITE PAST ABUSE?
— ALSO —
Below is a web site link to an article written by Pastor Roger Barrier that deals with this same issue. Please click onto the link below to read:
• HOW DO I COPE IF I’VE BEEN SEXUALLY ABUSED?
If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
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(USA) I have been with my wife for 4 years. We lived together for 2 and a half and have been married for the last year and 2 months. I found out she was sexually molested by her father just after we married and a little over a year later she left me.
We still talk everyday but she said she didn’t want to hurt me any more by living a false marriage. She said all the past feelings of the abuse surfaced as soon as we got married. I love her and want to help her. I’m researching the symptoms of others who have been abused and they all fit. I don’t know if she’ll ever come back to me, but I pray she does. I just don’t know what I can do to help.
(USA) Has she ever been to a doctor to talk about it? I know a lot of times, people do not get the help or support they need to get through something like that. I’m not sure when I was first molested, but I have memories from age 6 up to age 13 (he got caught). He went to a shrink to help him (didn’t work, he did it again when I was 15).
My point is, his father and his wife were more worried about him than they were me. They made sure he got help for his problem, but I was just supposed to forget about all those years and act like everything was great. I have been dealing with it myself for so long. I do okay most of the time, however, I think it causes a lot of problems in my marriage. I have trouble trusting my husband. I can’t be what he wants in bed, because it makes me feel dirty (brings back awful memories from what this man had me do or say to him). I know that is was not my fault. I didn’t do anything to make this happen. I would like to talk to a shrink myself, but I guess I’m scared. What if it doesn’t do any good? It did happen all those years ago.
Anyway, if she still loves you, but just doesn’t feel comfortable enough to stay with you, she needs help from someone. Maybe that someone is a shrink. I do not know if I helped any, but it is a touchy situation for most people who’ve been there.
(JAMAICA) I just read an article titled in the mind of the abused. It was truly a blessing to me and explained things that I couldn’t otherwise explain to my husband. I made a copy for him hoping that he will read it.
(CANADA/COLOMBIA) We too are facing something similar to Tom. My husband was abused as a young child and I fear that it is taking a toll on our marriage. He doesn´t share too much with me but I do know that it is hard for him to be intimate with me because his abuser and I are both overweight.
I am at a loss but am am willing to be patient, I will wait for him but I don´t want him to leave. He says he wants to leave so that I don´t suffer anymore. How do I help him recognize that his lack of LOVE for me is because of this and not necesarily because of who I am. We are a Christian couple working full time in ministry and we know that separating isn´t what is right, but we don´t know where to go from here.