When Childhood Sexual Abuse Affects Marriage Intimacy
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A person who has been sexually abused as a child often thinks that once the abuse stops, he or she can “just get on with life” and everything will be “just fine.” After-all, the past is the past, right? Wrong.
I’ve been there and have done that and fell for the same lie. I thought that the pain was behind me and I’d be fine. But I wasn’t. And neither was our marriage, because my “past” affected it, or I should say it “infected” it greatly.
I thought that marrying a man who was gentle and kind would lead to a healthy sex life together and my past would be “my past.” But again I was wrong. It’s not that my husband Steve did everything right to help me deal with things properly. He said and did things in his frustration that sometimes complicated matters all the more. But that was not his intent to hurt me further, it just happened and I didn’t handle matters very well at all, and made matters all the worse because of my inability to know how to best work through my issues.
Like many others who have suffered sexual trauma at the hands of someone who took advantage of a child, I found that eventually the past had to be dealt with. I couldn’t just put it on a “shelf” away from the forefront of my mind and count on it staying there any longer. Eventually memories came out to haunt me when I least expected it —especially during intimate times with my husband.
And even though my husband was and is nothing like either of my abusers, somehow I ended up punishing him for the original pain that he did not afflict upon me. As the memories kept poisoning my mind and our love-making experiences, eventually my husband also became a victim of my past sexual abuse, as I kept pushing him away more and more until I couldn’t even be intimate with him at all.
Yes, Steve understood why I acted as I did (at least he said he did, and I believe him), but it didn’t erase the fact that he wanted to be close to me and yet I couldn’t handle any type of sexual closeness. It was just too painful of a reminder of the hurt I had experienced in my past. So, in essence, my past abuse continued haunting me, as well as my husband.
Something that Dr Archibald Hart said in a past Focus on the Family broadcast rang true in my life and is probably applicable to most people who need to deal with childhood sexual abuse. He said,
“It is understandable that you would continue to struggle with the abuse you went through as a child. Our emotions are so intense when we are young that our wounds and injuries often stay with us for a lifetime. The pain is immeasurably worse when the one who wronged us was a parent or a parent surrogate. Nevertheless, the bitterness you feel today is hurting you. It will continue to haunt you unless you can come to terms with it.”
And that is what I eventually knew I needed to do. It wasn’t until a number of years into our marriage that the Lord started to impress upon me that I had “unfinished business” to work on, in dealing with what had happened to me. That’s when I first started the painful process of praying and reaching out to find the help I needed to settle what had happened to me and begin the process of healing not only my mind, but my love life with my dear husband.
God helped me to come to the same conclusion as a statement that Dr Hart made:
“Your [abuser] has stolen your childhood. Don’t let him rob your peace of mind as an adult.”
It had for me. And if you’re experiencing this as well, I plead with you to please, please, please reach out for the help you need to properly deal with all that happened to you —whether you were a young child or an older one when you were originally victimized.
I eventually got to the point where I pleaded with God to either help me stop the nightmares and flashbacks I was experiencing or help me to die. I couldn’t take it any longer. God spoke to me in a way that made Himself real to me and let me know that if I was serious, the road would be tough and it would be long, but that I would get to the point of reaching the healing I desperately needed, if I was willing. I was and I’m so glad I said, “yes” to God in this.
I won’t lie and say that it was an easy journey. It was very, very painful. And it took a number of years to get through. Yet, even when I was reaching out for help, I never truly thought I would be able to get to the place where I would be completely healthy and whole in dealing with the sexual part of my life and the memories that haunted me for so many years. I was willing for any relief that I could get.
And yet, I can honestly give testimony that God has helped me to do an amazing work, and my past is no longer being dragged around in my life. I am healed and I am whole. And my husband and I have an amazing connection in every way in or lives together.
I encourage you that if you are being haunted by your past, DEAL WITH IT. Make it your mission NOT to allow your own mind and your marriage carry the burden of this horrible emotional baggage. Persevere and be tenacious in opening every door you need to, in order to get to a place where your past no longer steals joy and peace from your present and future life.
You will probably need help. Your spouse will eventually be a part of the healing process, but most husbands and wives do not know how to unpack such delicate and yet powerful emotions without professional help. Some are, but not many.
If you reach out for help though, be careful. Don’t trust just anyone to help you deal with this type of problem. Not all friends, family members and counselors are “marriage-friendly” and many can actually hurt you and your marriage in the process more than help it. That’s what recent studies are showing.
I’m all for good counsel, but make sure it’s truly the type of counsel and counseling you need. We have several articles posted within the “Marriage Counseling” Topic that I recommend you read so you have a better grasp on this whole thing. And if you need help finding a “Marriage-friendly” counselor, you can look into the “Links” part of that topic to see if you can locate the one who can best help you.
Also, I found a few articles posted on the Internet that might help you in your journey to healing.
The first article is written by Mary DeMuth, who was a past victim herself. What she wrote is posted on the Kyria.com web site, along with a testimony that her husband Patrick wrote as well, telling his perspective on what had happened. You can learn from what they wrote by clicking on the link below to read:
— ALSO —
Below is a link to the Preachitteachit.org web site where, Pastor Roger Barrier answers the following question:
• HOW DO I COPE IF I’VE BEEN SEXUALLY ABUSED?
This article was written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International
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(CANADA) Hi Barry- I am sorry about your wife. I am also a wife with a history of abuse and also have intimacy issues. I am very engaged mentally with my spouse and love him a lot. But physical intimacy is a challenge.
You asked about what your wife thinking about it– many of us would trade those thoughts for early onset dementia!! I know that I cannot stop though I have had extensive therapy and tried many, many forms of more aggressive treatment such as meds and EMDR (awful!) and exposure/extinction where you talk about it for up to three hours… (WORSE!) Nothing has helped. I would like very much never to think of it again and would welcome dementia because it is veritable torture. So I would assume that even though I do not know you wife, she may be tormented, too. But we are all different, so I don’t want to make assumptions.
Sometimes onlookers who have not been abused think we indulge in those thoughts but that is not true. Often when you think we are having fun and engaged with others, we are still thinking about it. We are fighting so hard 24/7. Because it LOOKS like we are not thinking about it, we may still be.
My spouse is very patient and knows how hard abuse is on some. I know there are some who are recovered, but we are all different with different genes, different blood types, different neurological makeups. Some can handle huge abuses and still go on and others have minds that analyze and feel it for decades.
I just wanted to put in my two cents. I hope that you can continue to try- I know it’s hard, but let her know you love her, even in little ways. The spouses of those who are still struggling deserve medals.
(US) I was just recently told (in-depth) of my wife’s abuse from a cousin early in her life. It went on for several years, and her mother only found out a couple of years later.
We have been struggling many times with intimacy and sex (months on end between encounters), and I just thought it was me being pushed away for whatever reason. I felt angry, hurt, undesirable, unwanted, etc… and thought my wife was just becoming selfish in her wants to be on the go all of the time, with friends, excluding me.
With the recent revelations, I now feel like I was the one being selfish. I hurt for the scars my wife has had to carry for 22+ yrs, want to help, but now she wants me to leave, let her tackle it alone, and clearly states that after she comes to terms with this on her own, she seriously doubts there will be a “us” afterwards.
We have 4 children 22yrs to 6yrs old. We are in the process of letting them know of my wife’s “demon” that has been haunting her.
My problem is I feel I am being “locked” out of my wife’s and my family’s lives. I want to be there for her for support. I realize there really is nothing else for me to do, but she now has surrounded herself with a younger crowd, partying, clubbing out, etc… and I am always excluded.
I don’t know what to do. I am beginning to feel depressed, recently been demoted for performance issues at work, and basically feel lost in life. All this while my wife seems to be happy-go-lucky, and even told me she is afraid to confront herself with her issues. She has gone to therapy, but is again afraid to continue for what might be ahead for her in facing and confronting that horrible thing in her past.
We have been together 15 years (the two oldest daughters are from my first marriage – I received custody). She has helped me in so many ways during that time (until recently), and I feel I have her. It all just seems to be thrown away, with me being kicked to the curb, with no effort to concore herself, and our marriage after that. HELP!!!!!!
(UK) I’ve been with my partner 14 years, due to get married soon. She was abused when she was very young by a relative. She’s never told her parents, even when her brother had his first child (a girl), which I thought he needed to know about, who the abuser was etc. Our sex life is non existent. She’s never enjoyed it. It makes me feel empty inside, like I’m crying inside. I sometimes wonder what it would be like with another woman. I do love her but I’ve felt dead sexually for years. She won’t get help and cries if I ever mention anything. Help.
(USA) I feel very much for you and your partner. My advice to you is to encourage her to seek therapy with someone who will understand her abuse. It sounds like she’s nervous to seek help and her defense is to make an emotional appeal to you and get upset, to dissuade you from making her go.
Seeking treatment is the only way victims can get over their trauma. I am a victim of abuse and the only way I finally got passed my deeply rooted fears was to go to therapy and get help from someone who understands how sexual abuse affects people as they grow up. I still fall sometimes and I don’t doubt that I will need additional counseling in the future.
It is a neverending process, but she needs to understand that she doesn’t have to go through this terrible ordeal on her own! It’s understandable that your gaze has been wandering because she is too uncomfortable to give you the intimacy you crave. You have to understand that she can’t help feeling the way she feels, until she gets help. My advice to you is get that help for her asap, so you can work together towards a common goal of having a normal degree of intimacy. Have patience and keep encouraging her!
(SOUTH AFRICA) I have been married for 3 years and know my husband for 11 years. I knew about the abuse before we got married and supported him. I didn’t know that things would change. He does not want to be intimate with me, we don’t kiss. We have sex every 3 months. He fakes orgasms; he is addicted to porn. He fantasizes about girls I know that have done dirty things with men. He makes excuses for not wanting to be intimate with me.
I so much want to have kids and I suffer with policystic ovaries which makes it difficult to fall pregnant. I have supported my husband, gone for counseling. He was with a support group but his work keeps him so he doesn’t go but chooses to work. He has become cold towards me and does not show me he cares. I feel that maybe he does not want to be married to me as he shows very little interest in me. Our dogs and other people get more attention than me.
I have tried communicating with him but I guess it ends in me talking to myself and him not saying a word. I try not to pressure him or make him feel forced to make love to his own wife. I am starting to think very little of myself as a woman. I cry in the quiet and I have no one to speak to. I love my husband and want to continue supporting him but sometimes feel his killing my spirit. I read about peoples experiences of abused spouses cheating, having sex with men and it scares me.
(USA) I totally understand, my husband used to be interested in being intimate with me when we were dating, but as soon as we got married that all changed. He stopped initiating sex with me and then started to reject me when I would initiate.
We’ve been married for five years and in those five years we’ve always had this problem. I would ask him what was wrong, what could I do to change things, and he would always say there was nothing wrong that everything would be okay.
Just last year he told me that the reason why he was that way towards me was because I had gained weight. He revealed to me several years ago that he was molested but he didn’t go into any details and I’m the only person he’s told. He doesn’t think that that has anything to do with the lack of intimacy in our marriage. I’m at the point now where I need that love and passion and desire from my husband but I feel that he is not capable of providing those things to me.
I want to be patient and be what he needs me to be but at this point he doesn’t feel that there is anything wrong with how he’s perceiving the situation. He thinks it’s just my weight. So what do I do? Do I leave or wait it out to see if he acknowledges his part and find the help he needs.
(UK) Has anyone experienced the fall out from their partner’s childhood sexual abuse, affecting their sex life?
(USA) Hi. I was sexually abused by my Uncle when I was three, just fondling. And then it happened again by my cousin when I was 8-12 years young. I just thought it was normal to have boys touch you. I started cutting myself from 13-15 years young and my parents saw my scars and took me to a therapist.
Well, once I told my therapist I was sexually abused she had to report it and as my mother so eloquently put it, that’s when “the —- hit the fan”! My mom was so concerned about her image than me. She didn’t even believe me. That’s the day I learned to keep my mouth shut.
Now I’m married with kids and I’m not happy at all. My husband hates me because I don’t give him enough sex, nor quality sex either. I used to have sex with him daily when we were dating. I did whatever he wanted even if I didn’t like it. I didn’t have an orgasim for years. Now I just fake them most of the time. I feel ashamed of my body and I don’t like sex at all. It makes me feel like an object and I hate when my husband gropes me. I feel like a piece of meat. He is just showing his affection but I’m not digging it. I’m finally going to start sex therapy hopefully, to save my marriage. I hope it can be fixed.
(USA) I was sexually abused by my father as a young child. Flashbacks and panic attacks began a little over a year ago. Once I understood that I was not yet “better”, and that it wasn’t just “In the past.” I have been able to realize the many areas of my marriage which have been affected over the years (12). One, is that I had undo fear of my husband changing our daughter’s diapers as a baby. I also, over the years, have had a fear of them talking alone in a room even though I could hear them. Lastly, I’ve had anxiety whenever he comes up the stairs to come to bed at night (briefly-like a jumpy feeling, that goes away once he’s in bed).
I am really afraid that I am hurting him and he is no longer going to want to be with me for all that I have admitted feeling about HIM. He is a sweet, gentle man and is nothing like my father, but he’s a MAN and I think that is enough cause for my mind to be fearful. I should also mention that we have a son and I have never felt ANY fear in reference to their relationship or interactions.
Our sex life has suffered over time as more things have come out and I feel really guilty about that. I want to be intimate with him (and we are on occasion), but most of the time I feel nervous and anxious and uncomfortable about the idea. He likes to talk about it during the day (you know, looking forward to it) but it just fills me with a certain amount of dread.
How do you tell your HUSBAND that you love them but you are “dreading” being with them sexually?!? I still feel like that doesn’t make sense. I don’t think about the abuse when we’re doing things, and I do almost always enjoy it, but the leading up to it part is scary for me.
I am a Christian and I feel a tremendous amount of guilt that I haven’t overcome this with the Lord’s help. It makes me feel like a failure as a Christian and as a wife. I want to be submissive and pleasing to my husband, and I just can’t.
Oh, yeah -and my Dad was a Christian too. Ha ha!
(USA) Hi this message is for Cindy Wright or anyone who cares to answer. Are there any good Christian books, websites or resources on this website for spouses of men or women who were physically and verbally abused as children (but not sexually abused). This would be the case with my wife who was physically and verbally abused by her father from childhood all the way up to age 20 (believe it or not)?
(USA) Hi Ed, Let me pray and think about that one. A few books immediately come to mind, but I know there are more. I want to also confer with a counselor who might know of more as well. The “Boundaries” books come to mind. They are written by Henry Cloud (with John Townsend helping on some of them. I’m thinking of the book, Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life and also Boundaries in Marriage. They won’t exactly apply to your situation, but I believe you can glean through them to see what you can and can’t use in the insights and information they give. They may be able to help you to figure out how to best help your wife in ways that are a bit more structured (which may be needed).
It’s probable that your wife is all over the place emotionally because of the onslaughts of emotions she’s being bombarded with & the protective and coping “skills” she had to put up to survive what she went through. Marriage breaks through some of those structures, by its nature, so it brings up a lot of suppressed junk that she’s been able to stuff until now. She would most likely have walls that she’s put up emotionally that need to be deconstructed, if anyone –even a safe person, is going to truly get close to her. But it’s a complicated situation. I applaud you for wanting to find help, rather than just running in the other direction, which so many spouses do. It can become over-whelming at times to stand with someone who has been abused. The spouse becomes another victim of the original abuser because he or she deals with the “after-effects.” My heart goes out to you and your wife, concerning this journey.
If your wife’s father is still alive, you BOTH need to figure out reasonable boundaries (thus, the “Boundaries” type of books), to protect her from further damage from her father, but also from other “well-meaning” and/or clueless relatives. She needs a hero here, because her father, who should have been a protector for her while growing up, assaulted her instead. This really plays with the mind and emotions. It’s mind-boggling! If she will allow you to be the “hero” and if you have the strength to do so, it will be really, really tough, but is SO needed!
A few ministries that come to mind that you could contact would be Focus Ministries, which you can find at: http://www.focusministries1.org (because they deal with abuse of every kind and in contacting them, they may be able to give you a lead on the resources you are seeking. I’d also call the Focus on the Family resource center at 1-800-A FAMILY, because they may know of a resource you can obtain. They are SO well connected that they may know of resources that we don’t. Another one is http://www.HiddenHurt.co.uk (because again, they deal with abuse situations and they may know what resources to direct you to). I’m not sure if they are a Christian ministry, but from what I’ve read, I haven’t seen anything YET that I object to that would cause me to hesitate to recommend them.
Again, I’ll try to find other resources for you in the future. And if you find any, please let us know. We’d like to let others know about them as well. One book I recommend a lot is by Paul Hegstrom titled Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them: Breaking the Cycle of Physical and Emotional Abuse. It would give you and your wife, if she would read it, insights behind the “why” of her father doing such controlling and horrible things to her. It wasn’t about her… it was about her Dad. He’s broken. And until he gets the proper help, he will always be a threat to your wife, if in no other way, the control and denial issues that would come up. I’m so sorry that your wife and you are having to deal with this. I’ll see if I can come up with any additional help for you.
(USA) Thank you for your insightful, understanding comments Cindy. Wow, so much I could say: My wife is 58 years and I am 11 years younger and we have one son, 14 years old; neither of us have been married before. Her father passed away back in 1985 but she is still carrying the scars. I’ve always known that she has had post-traumatic reactions from the abuse from her father — because she told me that from day one. But I married her when I was 29 and she was 40 and I wasn’t very knowledgeable about relationships; in fact, she was on the only Christian woman I had ever dated and then, of course, I married her.
Since she is strong-willed by nature, it was hard for me to discern what part of her aggressiveness stemmed from the abuse and what part was her natural personality. I just know that in her 20′s, she was seething with anger especially after her father tried to whip her one last time when she was 20. She got counseling during that time and she was told, after a battery of psychological tests, that she was capable of doing violence (which she never acted on). Anyways, she dealt with the worst of it so she could at least function as an adult survivor; started her own business and was self-supporting — but terribly wounded. She didn’t trust or like men very much even though she wanted to be married badly.
Since I am a more easy-going type “B” personality, I adapted to her personality more easily than some men who were put off by her hard, outer shell. In fact, I was the first man that she liked and accepted her for who she was. Later, that turned to full-fledged Christian marital love and in many respects, we have an excellent relationship. But I look back on the 17 years that we have been married and now I see the many instances of angry, over-the-top reactions and outbursts from her that came from her abuse (I didn’t “get it” until just recently).
How did I finally get it? She is now having ferocious power struggles and fights with our 14 year old. He is a big 14 year old and looks actually like a 17 year old man. Temperamentally, he is much like her: emotional, type A personality — but without the personal wounding (he’s had a stable, loving childhood). However, when they fight, it is like two volcanos erupting and they say terrible things to each other that they don’t really mean. The worst part is that when our son gets emotionally overwhelmed, his aggressive physical posturing (like acting as though he is slightly lunging in her direction) and his sometimes cutting words causes her to “transform” him into her father. Once in a while, I have to get my body in the middle of them to prevent further escalation. Then she massively freaks outs and wants to “send him away” from our household. (Sorry, we can’t get rid of our flesh and blood; our only child).
But this emotional explosion lasts for a while until I’ve helped reconcile both of them to each other and then their relationship recovers. But I’m left in emotional knots. Our son has some anger issues that he needs some help in dealing with — but in my estimation, the wounds of my wife are incalculably deeper and more crippling.
She is tired of years of counseling and really doesn’t want to approach it any more. She says that as long as no one hurts or offends her then she’ll forget about the abuse. I’m just trying to get help myself so I can understand her better and prevent hatred and hostility from developing between her and our son. Whatever other resources you can dig up, I will be grateful. And if I find anything, I’ll let you know.
(USA) Hi Ed, I don’t know if this book will help, but it came highly recommended. It’s titled, The Healing Path, written by Dan Allender. We’re thinking it will help you as you read through it and glean the message God gives you. He can personalize it for you as you ask for it. You may even share insights you read from the book here and there, when and if you feel impressed to share them with her, if you perceive it will help. She may take it in this way, rather than a counselor, if she’s bent on not continuing on with one. Pray about it. See how God leads.
I still stand by the other books I recommended as well because of the “emotional knots” you describe. Plus, somehow, your son needs help. You have a HUGE mission field that you stepped into when you married. I pray for the strength and help and hope you need as you reach out beyond yourself to do that which God shows you to do. I’ll keep looking for other resources and will tell you of them, if and when I find them. God bless!
(USA) Hi Cindy — I’ve ordered the Healing Path; I’ve also reserved several books from the library dealing with childhood abuse (though I am trying to steer away books that merely have a humanistic perspective).
It has helped me to vent a little and feel that I am not imagining things. As an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I greatly appreciate your perspective. I agree with you that our son needs some help. In fact, we have him scheduled to go to counseling next week. I have made it clear to him that the struggles between him and his mother aren’t “all about him”. However, he needs some toolbox strategies to control his temper and emotional nature when he’s gets exasperated with his mother (which will serve him in all relationships that he will encounter in his life).
Basically, he’s in the same boat as I am. He has to learn to live with a woman who’s had abuse scars: red welts that were inflicted on her body, demeaning verbal harassment and being made to feel that she had no value in life (which has even affected her ability to feel God’s love). To this day, she still has trouble trusting men that she feels are pushing her too far or too hard.
Anyways again, thanks for understanding and thank you for your wonderful website!
(USA) Hi Ed, I’m SO glad to read that you are doing better and that you have an appointment for your son. That’s outstanding that you’re trying to help him learn some “toolbox strategies” to help control his temper and emotional nature. That’s SO needed. I’m sure it will help him in many ways in the future. Also, we have several articles within the “Communication and Conflict” Topic of this web site that also give some strategies for anger control. If you haven’t already, you might want to read them and see if there is anything you can pass onto your son and/or your wife.
I understand about the trust issues that your wife is dealing with. I had the same thing going for years and years because of abuse I suffered from men in my past. Building trust, when you have been so deeply hurt, is a difficult battle to get beyond. Unfortunately, even the innocent become suspect, and it almost becomes instinctive to default into mistrust. My prayers are with your wife, you and your son. May God continually minister and bind up the hurts. May your wife’s scars eventually become reminders of victory she is able to experience, despite her past –that she doesn’t have to continue being victimized all her life. May she experience peace and find ways to enjoy the future in a safer family environment than she had in the past.
(USA) Hi, I was sexually abused when I was 3 or 4 by my dad’s real brother. He kept on doing that till I hit the age of 10. He never penetrated me hard, he was just putting his penis inside me and doing that kind of nasty stuff, or asked me to masturbate him. One day he left the country which was a big relief. At the age of 13, I was badly touched by my 2 cousins while we were watching a movie. At the age of 15 another cousin (foster brother –mother fed him her breast milk) tried to kiss me and grabbed my boobs. I was shocked, completely paralyzed, another betrayal from real family member.
I had a nervous breakdown. My mom took me to the doctor and the doctor molested me in front of my mom. He grabbed my boobs… then I chose a path to hurt myself, cut myself… destroy myself. I also experienced a couple of molestation episodes by street strangers, then finally I moved to the USA. Life was good. I thought the USA was a molester free country but was then molested by my family doctor.
Now I’m 30 yrs old, not married… and never have sex in my life. My family wants me to get married …since I’m a Muslim we usually do arranged marriages… They have found a guy for me, who is 33 yrs old. I’m going to meet him.
I have tried therapy in the past. due to depression and anxiety I’ve got endometriosis and fibroids; my eggs are dying, (confirmed by anti-mullerian blood work), had laproscopy 5 yrs back… was recently diagnosed with Chrohn’s disease, bad arhritis in the knees… I’m falling apart.
My biggest problem is the guy… I’m going to meet him, i have heard he has a beard, (my first molester had a beard… so it’s a big trigger).
My Gyn doc told me not to tell your husband about your abuse, try to use tranquilizer during your first intercourse. He thinks it might ruin our relationship. In our culture virginity is a big thing… we all stay virgins till our marriage. I don’t know how to deal this situation. Whenever I get touch down there I started shivering, and pass out. Once my Gyn doc tried to examine me by putting in his 2 fingers. I passed out… I had twitches for weeks.
I’m very emotional… how can I hide such a big thing? I don’t want to suffer again. I cannot pretend to be normal, especially in the bed. I can’t even take the men’s cologne, it makes me puke. Should I drug myself on the first night? Should I tell him on my first meeting about my abuse? I’m going to see him in few days.
I’m sick of my life. If I tell him, he will think that he got used stuff. He stayed virgin. He never kissed anyone. I was forcefully kissed by my cousin. I can feel molester’s hands, body smells, and dirt all over on me… I feel dirty, nasty. I thought I would die before this marriage thing, but I will have to face my first real sexual episode. I don’t know; I’m freaking out.
(USA) Please don’t kill yourself. If you feel like committing suicide, the number to call is 1-800-273-8255. The domestic violence hotline is: 1-800-799-7233. I think that you need to get counseling from a psychologist before you consider marriage. If you call the domestic violence hotline they can help you find someone in your area of the USA. It’s not your fault that you were hurt and raped by the people in your family. You have to take care of you. Go see a counselor to help you get through the pain. Get a different gynecologist who cares about your whole body (your body, your mind and your feelings). Go to a lawyer and a legal advocate to report the crimes people did (your doctor, your family). You will feel stronger and more couageous if you report their crimes.
Don’t sign up for an arranged marriage. Spend about 3 years getting to know the man you want to marry. Take him to counseling with you. He needs to support you, but you are the one who has to heal yourself. If you already married by now, take your husband to counseling with you. Do everything else too, if you are already married. I will pray for you. (I’m a Baha’i.)