It is the basic nature of a man to assume the lead—to be a do-er. Immediately, you may think of many men who are passive. For these men, passivity can be a means not of leading but of control or manipulation-what is known as passive-aggressive behavior.
This trait often emerges in a man when his confidence has been badly shaken, or when his masculine self-image was wounded at an early age. Recognizing and understanding passive-aggressive reactions will allow a wife to more effectively minister to her husband and to survive the intense frustration of life with a man who withdraws because he is unsure of himself.
There are two parts to handling the problem of a withdrawn man. The first is to commit yourself to the process of helping him emerge into his God-given role. And the second is to build for yourself a strong relationship with the Lord from which to draw strength while the emerging process is working.
How does a wife enter into the process of helping her “withdrawn man” come out of himself? The first part of her task is to build the skill of “active listening.”
Most of us assume that communication involves talking, but it also requires listening and looking. Women are notoriously good listeners-at least during courtship. But many times, this crucial skill is lost and forgotten after marriage.
True listening involves far more than waiting to talk. It involves picking up clues in an attempt to understand the reasons behind what is said and what is left unsaid. Often, a wife is at loss for what to say to a husband who is silent. Many ask, in frustration, “How do you listen to a stone?” You don’t. But neither do you try to forcefully penetrate a stone by talking at it.
A wife can, however, show her husband that she cares what he’s going through. And this can be done non- verbally in as many creative ways as you can imagine.
She can approach her silent husband, who has slouched in an easy chair, with a snack and the evening newspaper. She can stand quietly beside him, rub his neck and communicate without speaking “I love you. You’ve come to the right after a tough day.”
This can work in reverse, too. Instead of telling her stone-silent mate about mate about all the pressures of her day—which will likely drive him deeper into removed silence and the wife deeper into frustration—she can try this: “Honey, I’ve had a rough day. Would you massage my shoulders and help me relax?” If you cannot get a listening ear, you can at least have the comfort of his warm, relaxing touch.
Many women wrongly assume that their withdrawn man is so confident in himself that he is withdrawn in silence because he doesn’t need her at all. This is often a very wrong assumption. In fact, he may be withdrawn because he has had his confidence shaken, has seen his dreams shattered, or has spent his day feeling defeated. As a result, he needs a safe place to go, and home should be that place.
Home has been called “the spot where when you go, they have to let you in.” Many times, however, a man sees his home only as a location filled with more pressure. If he has been defeated, he’s not thinking of what his wife has faced all day, nor does he see the many roles she fills. His vision shrinks to the minute size of his own life. He’s left staring at the rubble of his shattered dreams. He sees his goals and his happiness slipping through his grasp.
Yes, it’s true that you may have had the challenges and defeats in your day, too. But the fact is, seizing your husband by the ear the moment he walks in the door is not the way to gain his eager attention. If you learn the approach of active listening, however, you are more likely, later, to get the attention you need as well. But what do you listen for?
What Is He Running From?
The desire to escape pain is a tremendous motivator for many men. For a man, one of the greatest sources of inner pain is the lack of success or outright failure.
Recently, in an interview on a news program, the race-car driver Danny Sullivan was asked, “When you’re in that car, what do you fear most?” You might reasonably expect him to reply, “A crash,” or “A fire.” But no. Like many men would, he said, “Failure. I cannot stand to lose!”
Even men who have a strong belief in God are not immune from this male trait.
The prophet Elijah might be an example of a man who experienced depression and a paralysis of will because of a failure. In 1 Kings 18, we read that Elijah defeated the prophets of Baal. But at a time when one might expect this great man of God to be on top of the world, he made a mistake: He ran when his life was threatened.
We read that “he went a day’s journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a juniper tree; and he requested for himself that he might die. He said, ‘It is enough; now, O Lord, take my life, for I am not better than my fathers’” (1 Kings 19:4).
A Christian woman may think that her husband’s beliefs should erase his human, masculine weaknesses. But given an even that shakes his confidence, a man’s first response will be to escape pain just like Elijah.
Unlike the prophet of old, the Christian husband has a wife and family who, hopefully, are committed to seeing him overcome human weakness.
Lashing Out
There can also be another side to the withdrawn man. When he isn’t immersed in silence, he may be demanding and critical. Having lost the battle in his working world, he may turn his attention to the one place he still seeks to prove his dominance—his own home.
One of the obvious first signs is that he’ll become less and less considerate. He’ll contribute little effort to help with the chores that make the household function. Then his wife points out his shortcomings as a husband, a father and a Christian. The more she communicates a lack of respect for him, the sooner he’ll decide that home is just another place filled with hard knocks. This produces a downward spiral with results that can be devastating.
Another sign that a man feels his failure has thrown his life “out of control” is that he will take only “safe” tasks. Why should he attempt something that carries with it the uncertainty of risk? Therefore, some men will pull back from activities over which they don’t maintain a high degree of control, or in which they aren’t certain of success.
The complexity of today’s world often freezes people between choices. When a man finds himself at a crossroad in life, he may believe it is actually wise not to act at all. He then becomes glued in his tracks to indecision. In his desire to do the best thing for himself, and the perfect thing for his dreams, he does nothing.
If he’s employed in a job he dislikes, he may remain so, in the desire to wait for the perfect moment to switch. Meanwhile, his dissatisfaction and emotional withdrawal from his family continues.
The actions—and more importantly, the reactions —of a woman whose husband is undergoing a crisis are critical. It doesn’t help to say, “My husband knows the Lord. Why doesn’t he just pray?” The facts are that Christ has given each of us a ministry, and the wife may be the only expression of God’s love that her husband can see during his most trying times!
Now, I’m not suggesting that a woman should overlook or ignore her own needs when trying to help her husband out of time of emotional withdrawal. In fact, while she’s learning to listen and to wisely communicate her love in practical ways, she must not neglect her own emotional and spiritual needs.
Only by learning to press on in her relationship with the Lord will a woman be able to handle her own pain, which will merely compound the marital stress if allowed to churn out in negative words and reactions. The path to helping her husband and, therefore, ultimately helping herself, starts with her own walk with the Lord.
The Path to Peace
Often a woman marries believing her deepest needs will be met in the relationship with her husband and in the family and home that promises to be hers. There’s that tendency in each of us, men and women alike, to view our spouse as someone pre-designed to meet our own needs. But only God himself can satisfy the longings of our heart.
If a wife is to have a major impact, she must ask God for the wisdom to help her to focus her husband on hope.
There are several creative ways she can work on this task:
1. Begin to keep a prayer diary of little things she is praying for in her devotional time. Keeping track of the ways God is answering prayer will also bring hope.
2. Acknowledge that even the things her husband is now doing to avoid responsibility as having potential future value. (For instance, a wife whose husband is a good mechanic could say, “You’re such a great mechanic. It makes me feel safe to drive around in a car I know you’re looking after.”)
3. Find something he has done in the past that is paying off now. Compliment him. (”I’m grateful you built that barbecue. We’re getting so much good use out of it this summer.”)
If these simple steps are undertaken and continued patiently as a ministry, a wife may show her husband that she believes in his future and his worth, even if he does not. This can be done without sounding “preachy.” And more importantly, she needs to be involved in encouraging her husband in a way that will give her hope as well.
Build His Confidence
Include as a part of your personal prayer list this daily request: “Lord, let me catch him doing something right today—anything!” Thanking him for the smallest deed as soon as possible can be a positive reinforcement.
As newfound confidence develops, your husband will be a happier man to live with.
The above article came from the book, Husbands Who Won’t Lead and Wives Who Won’t Follow, written by James Walker www.bethanyhouse.com, published by Bethany House Publishers. It is an excellent book and goes into much greater detail to help you understand your spouse, your marriage, and your expectations for each other. This is a very practical, insightful book that can help both husbands and wives find assistance and directions to help them find a balance of roles by investing a few hours going through this great resource.
Former pastor, James Walker is a free-lance writer, seminar leader and practicing psychologist who “tackles issues of leadership head on. He provides practical guidelines for those desiring to understand themselves, their spouse, and their marital roles.” In this book he also shows how to take positive steps toward healthy changes for a healthier marriage.
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This article has really touched me and it hit the nail on the head to the problem the my Dh and I are having. I’m going to try these tips and give in to the Lord and allow him to move in my relationship instead of me trying to fix things on my own. Thank you very much. This website has really helped me to understand what my Dh might be going through and has giving me the tools to better my relationship with God! God Bless!
(USA) Truly a great article! Thanks for the insight. Sometimes as women, we forget we may be a bit overbearing in our own needs. In our attempt for perfectionism, we are making others unhappy. I pray for my husband a lot. His being happy means more of my happiness. Thanks again for the great article!
(AUSTRALIA) I have been frustrated in my marriage from the very start and think I made a mistake in marrying my husband. I have been praying and trying to encourage him for 7 years now and feel I am in constant uphill battle. I blame myself and realise I may have issue myself.
My husband is a Christian, goes to church, but is not really passionate and finds praying a chore. He is vague a lot of the time and very moody and just hard to live with. I started using the power of a praying wife 7 years ago. I have seen a little progress not much. I still feel very frustrated and pray to God for strength.
He never jokes around and it just feels like we do not connect at all. I find it hard even to have a conversation with him. Communicating is really hard. Do I stay or leave? Do I just accept this is how things are and will never change? He does not notice things even with the children and just doesn’t react. I feel for my children. We are so different. Is there anyone out there who can offer some advice, please?
(CANADA) Megan – I understand what you’re saying… though I’ve not been married yet for as long as you have, I do hear what you’re saying about your husband as I struggle with similar issues with mine.
Everything I am hearing right now is to drop it at the Lord’s feet, work on my issues, and let God do His thing on my husband. It’s hard, as a woman, to see a problem, know the resolve, and not say anything! I’m sure you’ve heard all this before… but I do want to encourage you to start looking at the positives and strengths within your husband – and tell him. Respect is a HUGE thing for him. Have you read or watched the Love & Respect book/DVDs? They are enlightening, to say the least.
I noticed you shared also that you have seen some progress. Though it’s not as much as you would like considering how long it’s taken to get this far, there is change occurring. Try to look at it as an encouragement instead of adding, ‘not much’. Maybe God is trying to do something in you too?
Trust me when I say I’m saying this to myself as much as I’m writing it to you… because I know it’s hard. I hope the heart of what I’m saying comes across … and I pray for continued strength for you… and as you press into the Lord, that you would continue to see changes in yourself and your husband. God is FOR you, not against you!
(USA) This was mentioned just today in a discussion about submission on the Family Life Today radio broadcast. Fortunately the transcript is available, so I’ll provide a link and then a small quote about leadership.
it may apply in some cases, and I provide it for those who are heeding the advice to work on their own stuff, as I believe it’s possible for a wife to undermine and destroy a husband’s will to lead.
http://www.familylife.com/site/apps/nlnet/content3.aspx?c=dnJHKLNnFoG&b=3832113&ct=6020463&DCMP=BAC-FLT+HP+Broadcast+Link&ATT=BoxLink
"That’s right, and sometimes, as women, we have taken up the mantle of leadership in our home, and we need to be willing to lay it down. I think often men come into a marriage, and they are willing to lead, but their wife grabs it so often from them that finally they go, "Fine, just let her have, I mean, this is not worth the fight."
Most men want peace in their home more than they want leadership. So if you give them leadership and peace, they’ll usually pick that mantle back up, and the interesting thing — I think one reason the women have reacted the way they have in the FamilyLife Weekend to Remember conferences when I’ve spoken about submission is that women really are happy to have men who lead lovingly. They are happy to have men that are strong and know what they want. They are willing to follow if the men do it appropriately, lovingly, and like this woman said, if they value her opinion and ask for her thoughts." — Cindy Easley 10/20/2008 FL Today broadcast.
The one thing I question about that is how she seems to state a conditional willingness. The statement about willing to follow IF the men lead appropriately.
I don’t see where scripture places such a condition upon the wife following. I’m not suggesting the wife sin. But in the case where there is no sin, it’s not predicated upon him leading in a loving fashion as far as I can tell from scripture.
(USA) Hi Tony, I agree with submission and believe some people are still finding reasons not to. It’s obvious that there were less divorces in the past when people took their God-given roles. The moment we move away from the word of God and try to make our own rules problems start. There is a good reason for these things.
I used to mourn about the little love I got from my husband. That was until I started respecting my husband and let him take the lead. Submission sounds politically incorrect but its what it is-the truth (what God requires of wives). It works for the good of both husband and wife.
I know my husband is not always right but my duties are to help him and give him suggestions. But the final decision rests with him. When I pray, I ask God to lead my house through his servant, my husband. So I can be rest assured that God is watching us and is working through my husband. The moment I try to take over, I know I am stepping out of God’s will and he may not hear my prayers. Even when I want to get things done, I have trained myself to step back and be in submission “in everything”. This gives me patience and allows me time to pray for my husband as well.
The Bible says women of the past made themselves beautiful by fearing God and submitting to their husband. Sarah even called her husband “master”. Physical beauty is good but it’s overriden by the way you live. If you want to obey God, do it all the way and not choose things that work for you.
When I submit to my husband he loves me more and he considers my opinions more. I would feel sorry for him if he stepped back and let me run the household. Women need to feel loved and men want respect. That’s what it is.
(USA) Will the same steps help if it is the wife that is emotionally distant and withdrawn?
(PORTLAND USA) My husband and I are legally separated, it was unbearable. We are married now for 16 years with three beautiful children and a life that has not had God as a main focus. We are in counseling, seeking help with the pastor who married us and it seems to really help.
A major event took place that sent me over the edge and I have not been the same since. I could not look at him and think of any good to come out of a man who caused so much pain. I, for whatever reason, now have a new heart; I believe it is because I have found God again.
My pain and emotional distress are gone and I pray every hour and or every minute that we will reconcile and make this last to the end of our life together on earth… I truly love him; he is my world. Even though I need to find something good each day and let him know. I needed him to love me, lead our family and be strong.
(USA) I have read the article and agree with most of the statements but the answers seem to be centered around the Lord and whether the man is running away from the Lord or trying to be independent making his own decisions. There are always two sides to a story and there could be another approach to this one.
(US) This article is definitely describing my DH. I have been married to him for 20 years! I noticed his “distance” during our courtship (the gift giver absent of the giver, or, could only say “I love you” in a card on Holidays or my birthday). I never really understood what this was all about. But, somehow, I truly felt his love for me. Thus, I put the emotional distance out of my mind. I didn’t even know how to reference the behavior. I had accepted his “feeling” of love and his acts of “duties” as one of the “five communications of love” at the same time praying for healing of the great hole in my heart from isolation.
I became the great and very creative initiator for all aspects of intimacy (as was during our courtship). I love sexual intimacy and all the sweet nothings between a couple “in love”. The more he downplayed my efforts (at the same time taking pleasures for himself), I began to withdraw realizing this only inflamed my pain. It seemed my expression and submission of love to him had become a method for him to exercise assurance and control of me to fulfill his deep seeded insecurity.
In hindsight, I believe this relational dynamic only fed his passive-aggressive controller syndrome all the while driving me deeper in denial that he would eventually realize the depth of my pain AND HIS OWN. My pain began a manifestation of verbal snides and outbursts specially with regard to his silent passive response to my requests for walks in the evening, his out of control weight gain, etc, etc. After a few years of this I could no longer stand myself and resumed Christian counseling (he participated). It really turned me around and I began to like myself again. He was amazed and relieved of my shouting and angry tone, without a clue of his contribution to my pain.
Well, here I am after 20 years of praying, dragging him to marriage retreats, counseling, owning the greatest collection of self help books/tapes (his under piles of dust) to include years of praise for his talent in leadership outside the home while our own finances and home life have tethered on the roulette wheel excluding/disallowing my input or participation. The paradox of him excluding or denying my emotional needs substituting them providing money to keep a home, dinners out, travel to places he enjoys, church leadership void of sharing the word, has taken me over the edge. So I thought.
Recently, I learned (by accident) of his years of sexual infidelity with prostitutes and massage parlors, credit cards taken in my name, to include phone sex providers birthdays listed on his calendar while my sexy homemade nude sweet pillow talk video is hidden in a file drawer at his request fear of our daughter seeing it!!! Can you imagine??? Actually, the video is really good, ha. I am pretty with a good body, a love and foundation based on Christ, faithful in marriage (run from male advances).
I am tired, devastated, in extreme shock and pain and back to counseling to save my sanity. Our teen daughter only knows “we are having a marital crisis” (like she doesn’t already know). Ninety percent of me wants to end this marriage while ten percent of me wants to continue “understanding” and helping “him” to work through his problem. Verbalizing the later makes me throw up. Any suggestions?
(USA) Sandy, My heart absolutely aches for you. I have no advice for you as I am not married, because I am still a single woman, although I have personally suffered from a past relationship where I became victim to a web of someone else’s web of deception after many years of my godly friendship to them. The pain and devastation of having picked up your cross with them, giving sacrificially, dying to self, and being as obedient to the Lord as the Lord asked is unbelievable. My heart truly aches for you and I can only imagine what you have suffered.
I will pray for you. I want to say to you only the little of what I have to give. No thing that you have given has escaped the eye of our Lord. Your years have not been wasted. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are a fierce daughter of the most high.
I don’t know or understand why you have had to suffer the way you have. But our Lord knows. I am praying for your comfort and your broken heart. I am so touched by your testimony.
Please do not fall away.
I am your sister in Christ and I feel so much his grieving heart to you. I feel that even in this you are fellowshipping with Christ in his sufferings. I also think of Abigail in the Bible for you. Even she had a horrible relationship with her husband and I am certain she suffered much. Yet somehow she did not lose the fragrance of the Lord in her life and eventually the Lord dealt with her husband in his wisdom. The Lord will also deal with your husband according to his wisdom.
I send a cyber-hug to you. I feel that in many marriages each party will receive what they have sown. Unto righteousness or unto unrighteousness. You keep sowing to righteousness. Keep being wheat bowed down unto the Lord. Your husbands actions to this point looks like tare to me. But only the Lord knows for sure.
May the Lord comfort you. My heart hurts for you.
Always, in Christ, Hanne