Over the past few years I’ve heard many heartbreaking stories from wives who have learned about their husband’s secret sexual lives. This discovery, or its disclosure, is what I refer to as blackout. It’s like sitting in a friendly, familiar room and suddenly having all the lights go out. The familiar surroundings take an unfamiliar form. Well-known objects become obstacles that trip us up. Fear shrouds us as we grope in the dark, searching for something to orient ourselves by.
Some would say the above descriptions are overstated. You may have family or friends who say that you’re overreacting. After all, looking at pornography is “harmless” adult entertainment. Fantasy doesn’t harm anyone. Such opinions, though, are made out of ignorance and denial. Sexual addiction typically begins with the habitual use of porn combined with masturbation. This self-gratification conditions men to experience sex in isolation, moving them into what I call “the world of me.”
I’ve experienced firsthand the devastation a wife feels when she realizes the most intimate area of her heart has been betrayed. I’ve seen over and over the same pain in others, and only those who have been there truly understand it. But well-meaning onlookers, because they lack this understanding often make comments that create additional wounds.
Blackout occurs in different ways and at different levels. Sometimes disclosure is quick, and it seems like someone flipped the off switch. More often, a bit of information starts a dimming process that, over time, ends in complete darkness. One reason for the slower progression is the way many men are discovered. Often, they’re caught —a bill, note, or Web site gives them away —which leads to a partial confession. Even husband who desire to come clean leave out information in the face of fear. Add to that an angry and hurting wife, and to many men, complete disclosure seems impossible.
The result for the wife is like candle flames being snuffed out one at a time, as he discloses or she discovers more and more information. But, in a diabolic twist of irony, a partial confession turns out to be worse than none at all. Husbands must confess everything in order for real healing to begin. Lies of omission are still dishonest even if well intentioned. Anything left in the darkness leaves a noose the Enemy can tighten at the opportune moment. Inevitably the rest of the story comes out later, increasing the wife’s pain and making blackout complete.
…I suggest you use great caution in demanding too much detail from your husband. Morbid curiosity has left many a woman with too many images that are difficult to erase. The best thing is to get only the general facts needed, not the gory details.
When my husband got tired of running from the truth —and from God —he finally confessed everything. I took advantage of his desire to be completely honest. Looking back, I realize I asked some questions that crossed over the line of what I needed to know. Plagued by images I didn’t need, the war raged in my head every time those images came up. Thanks to the teaching in my husband’s men’s group, there were times I’d ask questions and he would say, “I’ll answer that question, but are you sure you want me to?” This was a good check. Realizing I had all the information I needed, I stopped asking for unnecessary details.
You may cringe at this next statement: If your husband has come to you and confessed all, you will eventually come to see that as fortunate. I was one of the fortunate few —my husband did come to me, though at the time I couldn’t see how anything good could come out of it. Eventually, though, I recognized my husband’s coming completely clean was the first truly positive step even though the further disclosure caused more pain for me. It was God’s way of giving me a fresh perspective, and it was the real beginning of healing.
Dave’s disclosure caused more pain for me. It was God’s way of giving me a fresh perspective, and it was the real beginning of healing. Dave’s complete disclosure helped me to realize I wasn’t the only one hurting. It began to sink in that God was showing me Dave’s years of pain. He was a broken man and God had let him hit bottom.
My anger cooled. Dave wasn’t having fun. On the contrary, he’d been living a double life and battling demons since he was eleven years old. In addition, with his full confession he had to be willing to accept all of the potential consequences, including losing his marriage. He realized nothing could be worse than remaining where he was —in spiritual bondage.
I’ve encountered many wives who’ve had to deal with this same heartache of sexual betrayal, and I’ve repeatedly witnessed that once the whole truth has been revealed, even by accident, healing can start —for the husband, or wife, or both. Most men want help out of their bondage but are too ashamed to ask. Many have cried out to God in agony asking Him to release them from it. Every man believes, however, that if others knew fully what he has done, they wouldn’t forgive him. This lie keeps him in hiding and away from healing.
His being discovered, then, can be a husband’s first step on the road to freedom. But just as important, his being discovered can be a catalyst for the wife to get help —if shame doesn’t keep her in hiding. Yes, I hated what I’d learned from Dave, but finding and dealing with the truth, though painful, was still healthier than living a lie.
The above article comes from the book Hope After Betrayal, written by Meg Wilson, published by Kregel Publications. This is a TERRIFIC book for women who need to experience healing after finding out that adulterous sexual addiction has invaded their marriage. Not only does Meg, herself, greatly minister through her own personal experience, she also gives insight into the lives of several women and the journey they took to healing after finding out about their husband’s addiction and adulterous situations.
The book also has sections after each chapter that can also be quite helpful. One of them is called “Path Lights” which contains related scriptures and quotes. And the other is called “Journaling” which poses questions and thoughts to help women to process through this difficult journey through journaling — which is essentially what marriage counselors help you to do verbally. So it’s like therapy of another kind. We can’t recommend this book highly enough. We can see where it would be extremely beneficial to any woman who has been betrayed by her husband’s unfaithfulness — whether emotionally or physically! Review or Buy This Book Now
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(USA) I am sickened by how many of us there are – basically the same story. My husband of 15 years admitted to a one time affair with a co-worker 5 years ago that lasted approximately two weeks while I was out of town. We eventually worked through the affair. A few years later I discovered a pornographic picture he had printed which he had “forgetten” to put away and left lying on his desk. I packed up his things, took them to his place of work, put them in his vehicle and told him not to come home.
Eventually he did come back and we went through more therapy. At that time I told him I was done – if the secrets, lies, pornography continued he was out for good. Two years later I walked into his office while he was on the computer and he quickly hid what was on the screen – but I knew. I told him that was it and he was to leave. The next morning he left for work but never arrived – 12 hours later he was found on the brink of death having taken an overdose. He was hospitalized, sent to a psychiatric facility and underwent counseling. As he had no place to go when he was released, he came home.
After many discussions he finally told me everything. I put blocks on the computer and had software put in place that would show me everything he did on the computer – all e-mails, etc – he did not know about this. One night I found an email from her regarding not talking to him for eight weeks and how she missed their intimacy and conversations. I was crushed – after all we had been through I thought he was finally honest and open. He then admitted his earlier affair had stopped for a few weeks but then resumed and had been ongoing for five years. She had accompanied him on numerous business trips – he always made sure to buy me something before he left or to call often to check in so that I would not think something was up (or was it to make sure where I was?).
Every time I was out of town she was in MY HOUSE! He would leave work early to go to her house before coming home at night for 30-60 minutes – always if I tried to call him his phone didn’t ring or his bluetooth was connected – he always had a reason. As bad as all of this was we eventually tried to work through it and I was trying to find something to hang onto. After about four months in therapy it was suggested he take a lie detector test to make me feel better and know that I could trust what he was telling me was the truth.
We did this – he tried to manipulate the test which was obvious to the examiner and he was called on it. There was one question which he never expected to be on the test and he totally blew it. Again, he had to confess to something which he had omitted previously because “he knew how much it would hurt me”. This disease is like a never ending story – once you think you are at the end, there is always another chapter down the road. In order to restore themselves to a healthy state they destroy others.
I cannot understand what is wrong with me – why do I stay and keep putting up with this? I feel empty and like I am in a deep hole and cannot get out but yet I love him and cannot leave. Family does not know because I think it would make me look really dumb in their eyes that I could not see this and as low as I feel I don’t think I could take someone else confirming that. I am afraid to leave – if he attempts suicide again and succeeds then it will be on my shoulders.
How long before this gets better? One day I love him and want it to work out, the next day I hate him and just want to get away. Believe it or not, he loves me and she didn’t mean anything. He destroyed everything for something that didn’t mean anything.
(USA) I almost got married to a sex addict but God revealed it before the commitment was made.I suffered a lot and still suffer because I really loved him. I thought we’re in a very exclusive relationshiop and I thought I had found the man of my dreams: kind, smart, loving, etc… etc… I found out he was addicted to porn, was on a horrible web site site looking for “incredible encounters” and “craziness” and also found out he runs ads offering “oral sex” to women.
I confronted him and the denial was complete. He tried to manipulate me, to pull me back to his lies.. It was very hard to realize that I was just a facade in his life… I know like any other addict he suffers with that, but he is too proud to seek help and also didn’t hit bottom yet. Still, the pleasure of the lifestyle is bigger than the pain of the addiction. I would have stayed with him and tried to work things out together if I had seen one little sign of sincerity, but all seemed a big, fat lie.
He tried to get back together until last February, but I didn’t want to give him a chance because I know he was not being honest with me. He moved on, met again a high school sweetheart and he is currently engaged now. My heart certainly hurts but I trust that God will heal my broken heart and will bring to my life a man that will love me and respect me…
(USA) In my case, there were constant lies regarding money. I still don’t know where much of it has gone. It started out, sadly, on our wedding day. We got into the car to leave the church and he said, “By the way, I spent your precious money.” I had received an inheritance from my grandmother just one month prior to the wedding. I felt as though I had gotten into the car with the wrong man–Dr. Jekyl, Mr. Hyde. Who are you?
After speaking with pastors, family, etc., we worked through it. Everyone accused me of being a greedy little cuss for not wanting to “share”. He’s a real piece of work when it comes to manipulating others. What disturbed me about the whole thing was that he didn’t seem to see anything wrong with what he had done. There was no guilt or remorse that I could see. That frightened me, but I had made a vow before God now.
A few years later, he was determined to buy a business that I was opposed to. Again, everyone accused me of being too sensitive, or holding him back from reaching his “full potential.” Well, he reached it, alright. He took out a credit card in my name and charged up over $10,000. I took a second job to pay it off and we went back to counseling. This pastor was the worse yet. He said I was just angry because we hadn’t been able to have children. He also said I was being too hard on my husband by saying that he had to earn back my trust.
Shortly thereafter, I had a daughter and son, very close together. My husband was spending many hours at the office, and hiring people I thought were of questionable principles. But, I was enjoying the children and loved being a mommy.
When I went back to work, it was hard on the children. We had a long discussion, and decided I should quit to return home to the children. 2 weeks later, he showed up at an outing for the children and said with a smile that he had something to tell me. He wanted to wait until we got home, but led me to believe it was something good.
When we got home, he said that he had been lying to me for 15 years, and that he had defrauded the IRS out of $500,000 through the business. That was only the beginning of the lies. I later found hard core pornography on his laptop. He threatened suicide, but I never thought he would do it. He didn’t.
The thing that has been so hard is that everyone believes he is such a saint, and that I’m just over-reacting. I take comfort in knowing that God sees the truth.
The pornography on his laptop was horrifying–torture and mutilation of women. It completely desensitized him. As the Bible says, his mind and conscience have become seared, as with a hot iron. His conscience just doesn’t work anymore.
Pray for my children and family that the lies would be revealed for what they are, and that this man’s manipulation would end. And, if you meet a man involved in any type of porn, run and don’t look back.
(USA) Hello ladies. Wow. I am simply amazed that I identified with something in each of your posts. The spread of pornography and the destruction that it causes is truly a work of the devil. He is out to destroy us, our mates, and our marriages HOWEVER he can. Please realize this.
He is working on me/us as well. I have been married for 38 years to a man who is sweet, loving, would do anything to help someone else and generally appears as a good godly man. Oh, but underneath all of that there is a very wounded person (little boy) from childhood tragedies. And I am getting the fruits of that. Through years and years of different addictions and lying about all kinds of things. The lying seems to be the main culprit.
I am 59 years old now and have been a Christian since I was 28. I also have a wounded background, but unlike my husband, I prayed for years and years for inner healing from my past abuse, insecurity, and trust issues. That finally came when I was in my early 40’s and I broke the wall down and confessed that I had a scarred past. It was a process but God healed me of a lot of things. So God can use my weakness and turn it into a strength, right? Yes, He has done that in so many ways.
But now, I feel like I am going through the exact same issues again as everyone else has posted. My husband was arrested for soliciting a prostitute back in 2002. At the time, he told me that he did not have ANY attention of following up with it, that he was only trying to “get back” at all the prostitutes who had solicited him during his job in which he had to travel in undesirable parts of our city. I believed him and told him that if I thought for a minute that he was actually doing it for the act that I would leave and that would be the end. Also, the night that he was arrested, he immediately quit drinking, which had been a BIG problem in our marriage. He gave his heart totally to God that night. And we worked (without any real counseling support) at putting things back together.
Now, in the spring of 2009 I happened to look at the history on the computer and noticed that “craig’s list extreme girls” or something like that was on there. Well, when I clicked on the sight I was absolutely shocked out of my wits and truly experienced the “black out” that the article on this says. I completely lost it. I couldn’t believe the filth that was on there. So I left that very day and stayed for a few nights at a friend’s house. Bless them… they tried so hard to minister to me. But those who don’t have a clue what you are experiencing are not able to do that.
I went home the next day and confronted him with what I had found and he vehemently denied everything, which only added fuel to my fire. I found that I was able to do the tough love thing and told later that weekend that until he confessed this he would have to sleep down the basement and there would be no contact with me (emotionally or physically). After a few days he cried and seemed to repent and said that he was truly sorry for what he had done but this was after I told him that if he didn’t confess that he had done it that I was going to tell our three grown children. That is what made him confess. He truly didn’t want to. But I admit I cornered him into it.
At this time we were talking about this to a very godly man at our church who walked us through the steps to take. So in late June we take a two week trip to Colorado, right? That was also a nightmare. As I had been telling him, talking to him, begging him to start being honest with me about everything, don’t hide anything from me, etc. and he said that as God was his witness he was not hiding anything from me, I found a pack of cigarettes hidden underneath the truck seat. We were camping and I was devastated AGAIN that he lied again and told him that we needed to just go home. I no longer wanted to be on vacation or anywhere else with him. Since then, he got the “patch” to quit smoking, told me he wasn’t smoking, but indeed WAS smoking with the patch on!!! Smoking in and of itself is not the issue here. It is the lying.
I do not believe or trust anything else he says which includes “I love you and I don’t want to lose you”. He puts all of his own hobbies and interests above me and our marriage. So here is where I’m at. God has shown me in the last several weeks that I have a serious control problem which I’m sure has gotten out of control due to my fear of being hurt again. But I know that I need to “let go and let God” work on him instead of me trying to fix him. Is that possible? I do believe that God can do anything and that He is the great healer and restorer. The Bible says that He will restore what the locust has eaten.
I have been SO angry, SO hurt, and SO confused. Neither one of us want the marriage to end after 38 years but I cannot go on or even go back to the way things were before! Either we heal or we go on with our lives separately. And even though God wants to heal us, we do not have the tools except for the Bible to show us how to communicate and put things back together. So I am pretty confident that God wants us to go to an intensive marriage seminar called “A New Beginning”. If you google “marriage restoration seminars” you can find all kinds of them in there.
So I encourage you to pray about that for your own marriages. We have to heal, ladies, and with God’s help and the help of experts on marriages in crisis, we can. Even if your husband doesn’t want to go, but will do it, it might save your marriage and turn it around. The Bible says that marriage is a covenant between God and the marriage partners. And that the vows are not to be broken. I know that adultry is grounds for divorce, but I believe that healing even for this is available. And if we will let Him, God will make us stronger through this horrible suffering that we have had to endure.
Why??? I believe that what WE go through and are able to come out of it with God’s help, no matter how bad it is, that God can use us to help other couples in crisis. And the only way we can do that is when we have been through it ourselves. No, it is NOT fair. But God knew before He ever formed us in our mother’s wombs that we would go through this. He has a plan and a purpose for it. If we had known or seen in the future what was ahead, I am pretty sure the majority of us would never have married that person. Thank God that we don’t know the future or none of us would make it!
Ladies, I don’t know you but I know your heart and what we are all going through which makes us “sisters in pain”. And I want you to know that I love you in the Lord, I will be praying for each and every one of you, and I pray that you will do the same for me. Barb
(USA) I too have just been cheated on. Internet Porn and strip clubs were involved while I thought he was working. I think my life is now a lie. I am 51 years old. He told me he is attracted to 20 years old. How can I erase years from my face? I guess I knew in the back of my mind there has been a problem, but 10 years of it? I did not know. Why the lies? I hope God has a plan for me because I am just not sure. I have no one to talk to about this. All I can do is cry and try to express my feelings in my head.
(USA) As I read all these posts, my heart is breaking for each of you. I myself found out a year ago that my husband was addicted to online dating sites. We had been married for about a year, and were about to have a huge reception party (we had semi-eloped and were throwing a celebration for our large family) when his sister called me. She had let him use her computer when he was over for a visit. He forgot to close down his email. She went to close it but saw a suspect email open. She sent it to me. It had all manner of disgusting things he was saying to some woman he had met on a dating site. He was telling her he was lonely and wanted out of his marriage.
I dug a little deeper online and discovered he was on several dating sites, each with a different story. In one he was not married, in another he was newly divorced. The sexually explicit things he said to these women were things that humiliated me. Some of the things he said I had heard him say to me in the past. He told other women they were beautiful. It made me sick. When I confronted him about it, he denied it for two weeks until I actually printed out proof and he couldn’t deny it any more. We ended up separating and we cancelled our party one week before it was supposed to happen. His whole family found out about the issue. It was the worst time of my entire life.
Through God’s grace, we were able to get to a counselor and save our marriage. It was so hard! I had to face my family and friends. Many of them lost respect for me because I was trying to work out my relationship. I still don’t get invited to many get togethers and some of my family won’t speak to me. Sexual addictions are so hard for people to understand. They think you are weak or have low self esteem if you stay with your husband. In reality it takes a very strong person to stick it out and support a spouse with this issue.
We had a little girl five months ago, and everything seems to be going fine. Then I get this feeling that I need to go online and check again, and for sure he is on a motorcycle dating site. He isn’t as explicit on this one, but to me it is still the same old stuff coming up again! He doesn’t know I have found this yet. He doesn’t do this stuff at home, he does it from work on his laptop. It is so frustrating. He is deployed right now so everything has to be on hold. I don’t want to bring this up while he is far away and going through the stress of a deployment. I am trying not to cry. I have to be strong for my baby girl. I pray each of you has peace and healing comes swiftly. God Bless.
(USA) Now, our hearts go out to you and please know that you’re in our prayers. Maybe our story and testimony will offer you and others some encouragement. Ours has been a journey that has taken us over a year to come to realize the true love and commitment we have for one another after many a prayer having been said by us both. James has battled a sex addiction for many years, even before I came into his life – and as such he partook in anything that would apply to that online, be it a number of dating sites, pornography, all the chat networks, email, text messaging and even having “friends” call him on the phone -which continued even after we got married.
For some, as was the case with James, it can start out as a low level sexual stimulant, as simple as say looking at an catalog, seeing it in a movie or even a provocative commercial on the TV. For in truth, you can see it at your local news stand and at eye level of children! It can be a person they call a “friend” and a lot of times it’s not something their partner lacks but what they feel they lack in themselves or on their own. For in truth, there can be a number of underlying factors that can trigger this kind of addiction. For James it was a result of many years of childhood abuse. He literally thought no one could or would ever truly love him. He was afraid of love, resented love and as such disconnected himself or disassociated himself from the situation entirely on a personal level to any degree as that applies to a truly monogamous commitment, as God intended.
This is not to say he didn’t have needs, because everyone does. He just sought to fulfill his needs in what he considered to be the safest way he could, that being on the internet. So, what started as a safe and intriguing curiosity or interest for him steadily turned into a deep-seated and volatile addiction. Like any addiction it got worse over time, requiring more and more stimulus to satisfy an ever growing need for more and more stimulation. It’s like a drug in that regard and if left unchecked it can lead to all kinds of problems that are hurtful to all parties involved. Sexual addiction is the worst kind of addiction, in our opinion, in that there are no support groups readily available in most communities to handle this growing problem. There’s no progressive program to deal with it, diagnose it or help someone recover from it. It’s ready available on the internet, in movies or on the TV; even in commercials. “Sex sells,” they say – and the devil is everywhere. That’s the truth of the matter.
Thus, we’re sorry to say, if your partner wants to partake in it, they will always find a way to do just that. It’s only by way of love and a sincere love for the Lord that you are able to conquer a problem such as this, because believe me we never could have done it on our own. I prayed many, many times, daily that James eyes would be open, by the Lord. I cried many a tear for the pain, sense of loss and betrayal I felt. I had no idea what was going on and I felt totally rejected and abandoned in the process. I could not understand why he could not love me as much as I obviously loved him. He said it, so why couldn’t his actions parallel that? That was the question that ate at me. That and “WHY?” I blamed myself and I started to really get a low self-esteem and personality complex about it.
James got a job in Hong Kong, a high level, executive position and we were off to a new country, where I thought we could start a new and fresh life free of any interference or distractions; especially from his friends, for James had stopped partaking in most of his online activities by then; even though, I naively didn’t know about what was taking place by then either. I just had a gnawing feeling and many suspicions.
Call it woman’s intuition, but, the truth always comes out in the end – just as it did in our situation. After all, it wasn’t as much a secret for James, as I thought. Truth is, he’d left it on the computer for me to find. kind of like a test you might say. Although I’d been abused and much worse than him, he tested me and our relationship to see if I truly loved him enough to stay and maybe even, quite possibly accept it. Not that that makes it right, but my love for him was unwavering.
I found the pornographic videos he’d downloaded from the Internet, when he went over to Hong Kong alone to interview for the position at his new job and I was devastated- and clearly did not accept it. But it didn’t stop there as one thing lead to another revelation I wasn’t prepared for, such as: the numerous dating sites he’d joined or the alternate email account he had. The lies he’d told since the beginning of our relationship were so many, he couldn’t begin to explain it all away. One lie virtually leading into the next,…”virtually,” – sorry, but no pun intended.
But, ALL OF THIS came at a price. James got very sick, being guilt ridden and overstressed at work as he work many hours and into the early mornings trying to build a new department. Without any apparent explanation his internal organs began to swell and he was hospitalized for 10 days in a foreign country – to our surprise, with no insurance as promised by his company that could be utilized there. I stayed by his side; even though my pride at times told me to leave.
The lies didn’t stop there. We returned home to the US for medical treatment on a medical leave of absence from his new job, just 5 months after our departure – and the lies continued. As he began to speak of the omissions he’d purposefully left out, I interpreted everything he had to say as lies too. Worse yet, his addiction had lead to an encounter with a married couple, before we met and we had to deal with the very real possibility that he might have fathered a child with the other woman. But thankfully that was not the case; although we both very much wanted to do the right thing, if that had turned out to be true. Thus, that being said, I was the next one to get seriously ill, after that.
James lost his job abroad and we were very much under spiritual attack and the situation got a whole lot worse, before it was ever got better. I almost left James on a few occasions as I interpreted everything he said to be an excuse. But the Lord obviously had a lot of work to do within me too to get me to listen and stop taking offense to everything that was being said. So, James’ prayers were obviously answered too. For if we could all truly strive to have a heart like His, wouldn’t the world be a better place? That’s not to say that forgiveness is a viable option for everyone and I’m sure God understands that too with him being the loving and compassionate Savior that He is.
True enough, James did hurt me and I had every right to be mad, hurt and feel violated: mind, body and soul, because I felt like I’d lost the soul mate that God had intended for me all along and a lot of time. I truly felt dead inside and void of all emotion as we both began to take anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. But at least according to God’s love for us, James also had the right to fully understand his misdeeds and try to explain them to me; even after I’d discovered all the lies he initially told and the lies since.
So the long and short of it is there can’t be true recovery and a rebuilding process without accountability, responsibility and true remorse. One can not partake in sins of the past, bring it into their future if they want true happiness and a truly fulfilling relationship. What may seem to be an innocent, harmless or acceptable activity online can easily and quite quickly turn into a compulsion and addiction that can adversely affect every aspect of one’s life. After all, the internet is the devil’s playground, as he is always ready to try to come into our lives by any means necessary.
It’s like we were under attack, even after the biggest and most damaging revelations had been discovered, and probably at our most vulnerable point. The devil will not always use the most obvious things to enter into or manipulate our lives. But, he will attack us at our most vulnerable point – that much you can be sure of, and he will use any and everything he has to work with at his disposal.
James’ vulnerabilities, making him an easy target for attack: With James it was his fear of being unworthy of love and his fear of being hurt – so much so, that he couldn’t commit to anyone, let alone his own desire to have a meaningful relationship with another human being, after being so hurt by his abuser. For he had appointed himself protector over both himself and his mother and felt powerless to change anything given the situation of his father’s worsening mental illness and battle with Schizophrenia – and that’s a lot for any kid to take in. There was quite a bit of guilt associated with that and his obvious limitations, due to his young age and stature. Besides, it’s customary within any family unit that the father is to be the protector.
James always wanted to be a man of God. He always wanted to be a man of integrity. At one time he wanted to be a preacher and he wrote beautiful sermons, standing in for his pastor. (I know because I read them!) But later in life he suffered rejection at the hands of…for lack of a better word, “a former fiance” and an abuser who cheated on him and that made him feel very unsure of himself, making him question whether love is even a valid concept.
Tori’s vulnerabilities, making her an easy target: Whereas, with me it was my fear of being betrayed, unlovable (not good enough), or even unworthy of love, for I’d endured many years of abuse at the hands of almost everyone I knew. I’d endured abuse as a child and as an adult and in several different dynamics. I was abandoned and abused by my biological family with 5 sexual predators living in the same household as me. I went to foster care and was made a ward of the state, where I was violated yet again; then, only to be abused the third and ultimate time as child, by my adoptive family. I lost my children to an abuser and my life had been riddled with subsequent abusers ever since.
I felt like there was no end to it; even though, I remained faithful to God, was an acolyte in my church and taught Sunday school for preschool aged children. At one time, I even wanted to be a nun, thinking no one could ever love me like Him. Then, when God brought James into my life, I rejoiced at the opportunity and the wonderful gift He’d given me. I never for one second doubted James’ love for me, until that fateful day and after that doubted everything and questioned everything, up and until God helped me to see past my pain and into His promise for me.
Moral of the story being: Life is never easy and it’s not without it’s lessons and the devil always knows what he has to work with even if we don’t, even if we’re in denial or not prepared to see the portals that have been created for him to enter into our lives. But he also knows he is weak in the eyes of God and that makes him work even that much harder when people turn away from sin. So, don’t think you are free of his grips when you begin the recovery process. Work more diligently than ever and stay the course, relying on God to help see you through. Stay in the Word!
James is in counseling now and I am committed to standing by him in his efforts to overcome his sexual addiction and his tendency towards compulsive lying, which is a whole issue unto itself, as the compulsion to lie requires both compassion and understanding too. For it is not by way of condemnation that one is going to overcome it and there is a fine line between enabling a person and offering support. But much like repenting one’s sins, the compulsion to lie requires one to admit to it; thereto, striving to do it no more, much like repenting one’s sins to the Lord and you have to stand on a good foundation and stay in the Word of God to achieve this, remembering the scriptures like Phil 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” which applies to us both or anyone dealing with an issue such as this. For it is not by way of our own strength (or pride) that recovery is possible but only by way of God.
With God’s help, James has opened up to me a great deal and even a little more with each passing day. I’ve learned to listen with discernment, not being judgmental, but realizing we’ve got a long way to go to work through this process, as thereto God has been and will always be with me and us in this situation. For He is our only source of light through the darkness and whereas worldly counselors might fail, He will not. So, just like us, always turn to him and stay in the Word of God, living accord to the Word of God everyday. That’s why we would say, when facing a problem such as this, it’s not enough to go to church every time the doors are open. You like us, might consider making Bible study a part of your everyday life, because there is strength in the Word and it helps reinforce us, in knowing that every day is a battle (it’s spiritual warfare) and we need God to overcome this and all things.
It’s so important for anyone that is battling any kind of addiction that stresses their marriage, relationship, livelihood or otherwise to seek out the proper counseling or resources that it’s going to take to overcome this condition. We’ve all been given free will and it’s our responsibility to make choices that are beneficial to not only ourselves but our loved ones or those we take into our midst. Whereas, the devil’s only objective is to kill, steal and destroy. So, with God’s help this too we shall overcome and please know we’re praying for you all too, because quite honestly a lot of your stories brought us to tears and a lot of them offered us encouragement too. Where ever this journey takes you, we pray you arrive safe in the assurance of God’s love for you and we wish you peace, love and joy. Thanks for listening and God bless you!
~ Tori & James
(U) I am not a wronged wife but the wrongee. I have had a five-year affair with a married man who is, I believe, sexually addicted. Although I possibly could be sexually addicted and meet some of the criterion, I think I just love sex and my husband of 40 years died over five years ago.
I have had sex with only this one man, aside from my husband. I love him and would probably marry him if he were free. He says he loves me and we get together every time we can. We have a secret life together. Here is the worst part. His wife and I are best friends. I love her. We all go on vacations and trips together and I stay lots at their house. She is a wonderful Christian woman and adores her husband, a former clergyman. He is very handsome, smart, and charming.
I am caught in a bind between them. Our lives are so intermeshed. She has shared with me that he has had affairs in the past and she fears he is having one now and suspects him at specific times, times when I am not with him.
What I fear is that he is having affairs with lots of women and I am only one, nothing special to him, although he assures me I am. He indicates that if we outlive his wife, we will be married. I am not sure I want to marry him, although we have so much in common and I feel like a second wife already. I know he would not be a faithful husband, so I would be stupid to do it.
Sex with him is phenominal and he is very handsome and a wonderful lover. He has taught me lots I didn’t know, but some of it is different from anything I’d ever considered doing. He wants me to watch an adult movie with him, but I never have and won’t now. After we have sex, he wants to get away from me. Also he is hard to get along with, very edgy and often angry. His wife tells me about their relationship and it is strained to say the least.
He accuses me of using him, but he may just be using me. He tells me he is devoted to his wife. He loves sex in a situation of danger of being caught but at the same time is very careful. She suspected us a few months ago when we slipped up a little. But with time, he and I allayed her fears.
I feel like the worse person in the world, but I have no intention of giving him up, even though I am a Christian and know I am sinning and hurting someone I love. If he weren’t with me, it would be someone else, and at least I’m safe physically for him. And I do love him. He is a professional in a very worthwhile organization and has a good name in his community and is a good man beyond this sexual aberration.
When my conscience gets to me and I threaten to break off with him, he gets very angry. If we break up and have nothing to do with each other, his wife will figure out what happened and I’ll lose her. If I stay away, she will be hurt as we are close. I don’t want to lose either of them, as I love them both. We have so much in common and so much fun together. He is so good to me, helping and caring for me. I never knew that life could be so complicated.
I’m afraid neither his wife nor I really know him, and I am unable to even imagine the twists and turns in his brain as he tries to juggle the various ways he satisfies his needs. He truly seems to be miserable most of the time, can’t relax, works all the time, has temper fits, and seems to dread going to church.
My husband and I were both virgins when we married and faithful to each other. I never dreamed I’d be doing this. I was so in need of sex and he was so seductive, it just happened. Can anyone tell me what to do?
(USA) Amelia: You have got to be kidding. You read all these posts from wives whose husbands are sex addicts and you “love them both”. If you truly “love them both” get away and stay away. He will go find someone else but at least you will have been true to yourself and perhaps some day his wife will forgive you. The other women cannot image the depths of despair we wives face. We are not only violated by our husbands but also our “friends”.
(USA) All sin is a result of open doors in our lives that the enemy (satan) enters through. Usually you’ll find a pattern in the sexually addicted person’s family or a total lack of mothering/fathering. This is not to be used or seen as an excuse but to see that a pattern develops in ones life that has to be broken. Breaking the hold that satan has – he wants to destroy marriages because they are God’s design – on us and our marriage is the beginning of restoring the relationship.
There is a wonderful ministry, Restoring The Foundations (rtfi.org), that has minsters trained in using Biblical principles to help people break these devastating cycles and it gives them tools to continue the process in healing. There is one other thought too. As we live according to God’s plan for our lives, it is apparent that we must set boundaries. Many times we are hurt because we have allowed others to cross God given boundaries and manipulate or abuse us. Healthy boundaries are essential even in the best of marriages… my husband and I have them and it enables us to honor one another and be closer than ever before. We are walking out our healing and 32 years of marriage is just getting better – but it has taken commitment and submitting to God and to one another. We have weathered the worst of the storms in our marriage and can now be there to help others. God bless you.