Over the past few years I’ve heard many heartbreaking stories from wives who have learned about their husband’s secret sexual lives. This discovery, or its disclosure, is what I refer to as blackout. It’s like sitting in a friendly, familiar room and suddenly having all the lights go out. The familiar surroundings take an unfamiliar form. Well-known objects become obstacles that trip us up. Fear shrouds us as we grope in the dark, searching for something to orient ourselves by.
Some would say the above descriptions are overstated. You may have family or friends who say that you’re overreacting. After all, looking at pornography is “harmless” adult entertainment. Fantasy doesn’t harm anyone. Such opinions, though, are made out of ignorance and denial. Sexual addiction typically begins with the habitual use of porn combined with masturbation. This self-gratification conditions men to experience sex in isolation, moving them into what I call “the world of me.”
I’ve experienced firsthand the devastation a wife feels when she realizes the most intimate area of her heart has been betrayed. I’ve seen over and over the same pain in others, and only those who have been there truly understand it. But well-meaning onlookers, because they lack this understanding often make comments that create additional wounds.
Blackout occurs in different ways and at different levels. Sometimes disclosure is quick, and it seems like someone flipped the off switch. More often, a bit of information starts a dimming process that, over time, ends in complete darkness. One reason for the slower progression is the way many men are discovered. Often, they’re caught —a bill, note, or Web site gives them away —which leads to a partial confession. Even husband who desire to come clean leave out information in the face of fear. Add to that an angry and hurting wife, and to many men, complete disclosure seems impossible.
The result for the wife is like candle flames being snuffed out one at a time, as he discloses or she discovers more and more information. But, in a diabolic twist of irony, a partial confession turns out to be worse than none at all. Husbands must confess everything in order for real healing to begin. Lies of omission are still dishonest even if well intentioned. Anything left in the darkness leaves a noose the Enemy can tighten at the opportune moment. Inevitably the rest of the story comes out later, increasing the wife’s pain and making blackout complete.
…I suggest you use great caution in demanding too much detail from your husband. Morbid curiosity has left many a woman with too many images that are difficult to erase. The best thing is to get only the general facts needed, not the gory details.
When my husband got tired of running from the truth —and from God —he finally confessed everything. I took advantage of his desire to be completely honest. Looking back, I realize I asked some questions that crossed over the line of what I needed to know. Plagued by images I didn’t need, the war raged in my head every time those images came up. Thanks to the teaching in my husband’s men’s group, there were times I’d ask questions and he would say, “I’ll answer that question, but are you sure you want me to?” This was a good check. Realizing I had all the information I needed, I stopped asking for unnecessary details.
You may cringe at this next statement: If your husband has come to you and confessed all, you will eventually come to see that as fortunate. I was one of the fortunate few —my husband did come to me, though at the time I couldn’t see how anything good could come out of it. Eventually, though, I recognized my husband’s coming completely clean was the first truly positive step even though the further disclosure caused more pain for me. It was God’s way of giving me a fresh perspective, and it was the real beginning of healing.
Dave’s disclosure caused more pain for me. It was God’s way of giving me a fresh perspective, and it was the real beginning of healing. Dave’s complete disclosure helped me to realize I wasn’t the only one hurting. It began to sink in that God was showing me Dave’s years of pain. He was a broken man and God had let him hit bottom.
My anger cooled. Dave wasn’t having fun. On the contrary, he’d been living a double life and battling demons since he was eleven years old. In addition, with his full confession he had to be willing to accept all of the potential consequences, including losing his marriage. He realized nothing could be worse than remaining where he was —in spiritual bondage.
I’ve encountered many wives who’ve had to deal with this same heartache of sexual betrayal, and I’ve repeatedly witnessed that once the whole truth has been revealed, even by accident, healing can start —for the husband, or wife, or both. Most men want help out of their bondage but are too ashamed to ask. Many have cried out to God in agony asking Him to release them from it. Every man believes, however, that if others knew fully what he has done, they wouldn’t forgive him. This lie keeps him in hiding and away from healing.
His being discovered, then, can be a husband’s first step on the road to freedom. But just as important, his being discovered can be a catalyst for the wife to get help —if shame doesn’t keep her in hiding. Yes, I hated what I’d learned from Dave, but finding and dealing with the truth, though painful, was still healthier than living a lie.
The above article comes from the book Hope After Betrayal, written by Meg Wilson, published by Kregel Publications. This is a TERRIFIC book for women who need to experience healing after finding out that adulterous sexual addiction has invaded their marriage. Not only does Meg, herself, greatly minister through her own personal experience, she also gives insight into the lives of several women and the journey they took to healing after finding out about their husband’s addiction and adulterous situations.
The book also has sections after each chapter that can also be quite helpful. One of them is called “Path Lights” which contains related scriptures and quotes. And the other is called “Journaling” which poses questions and thoughts to help women to process through this difficult journey through journaling — which is essentially what marriage counselors help you to do verbally. So it’s like therapy of another kind. We can’t recommend this book highly enough. We can see where it would be extremely beneficial to any woman who has been betrayed by her husband’s unfaithfulness — whether emotionally or physically! Review or Buy This Book Now
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(USA) I am sickened by how many of us there are – basically the same story. My husband of 15 years admitted to a one time affair with a co-worker 5 years ago that lasted approximately two weeks while I was out of town. We eventually worked through the affair. A few years later I discovered a pornographic picture he had printed which he had “forgetten” to put away and left lying on his desk. I packed up his things, took them to his place of work, put them in his vehicle and told him not to come home.
Eventually he did come back and we went through more therapy. At that time I told him I was done – if the secrets, lies, pornography continued he was out for good. Two years later I walked into his office while he was on the computer and he quickly hid what was on the screen – but I knew. I told him that was it and he was to leave. The next morning he left for work but never arrived – 12 hours later he was found on the brink of death having taken an overdose. He was hospitalized, sent to a psychiatric facility and underwent counseling. As he had no place to go when he was released, he came home.
After many discussions he finally told me everything. I put blocks on the computer and had software put in place that would show me everything he did on the computer – all e-mails, etc – he did not know about this. One night I found an email from her regarding not talking to him for eight weeks and how she missed their intimacy and conversations. I was crushed – after all we had been through I thought he was finally honest and open. He then admitted his earlier affair had stopped for a few weeks but then resumed and had been ongoing for five years. She had accompanied him on numerous business trips – he always made sure to buy me something before he left or to call often to check in so that I would not think something was up (or was it to make sure where I was?).
Every time I was out of town she was in MY HOUSE! He would leave work early to go to her house before coming home at night for 30-60 minutes – always if I tried to call him his phone didn’t ring or his bluetooth was connected – he always had a reason. As bad as all of this was we eventually tried to work through it and I was trying to find something to hang onto. After about four months in therapy it was suggested he take a lie detector test to make me feel better and know that I could trust what he was telling me was the truth.
We did this – he tried to manipulate the test which was obvious to the examiner and he was called on it. There was one question which he never expected to be on the test and he totally blew it. Again, he had to confess to something which he had omitted previously because “he knew how much it would hurt me”. This disease is like a never ending story – once you think you are at the end, there is always another chapter down the road. In order to restore themselves to a healthy state they destroy others.
I cannot understand what is wrong with me – why do I stay and keep putting up with this? I feel empty and like I am in a deep hole and cannot get out but yet I love him and cannot leave. Family does not know because I think it would make me look really dumb in their eyes that I could not see this and as low as I feel I don’t think I could take someone else confirming that. I am afraid to leave – if he attempts suicide again and succeeds then it will be on my shoulders.
How long before this gets better? One day I love him and want it to work out, the next day I hate him and just want to get away. Believe it or not, he loves me and she didn’t mean anything. He destroyed everything for something that didn’t mean anything.
(USA) I almost got married to a sex addict but God revealed it before the commitment was made.I suffered a lot and still suffer because I really loved him. I thought we’re in a very exclusive relationshiop and I thought I had found the man of my dreams: kind, smart, loving, etc… etc… I found out he was addicted to porn, was on a horrible web site site looking for “incredible encounters” and “craziness” and also found out he runs ads offering “oral sex” to women.
I confronted him and the denial was complete. He tried to manipulate me, to pull me back to his lies.. It was very hard to realize that I was just a facade in his life… I know like any other addict he suffers with that, but he is too proud to seek help and also didn’t hit bottom yet. Still, the pleasure of the lifestyle is bigger than the pain of the addiction. I would have stayed with him and tried to work things out together if I had seen one little sign of sincerity, but all seemed a big, fat lie.
He tried to get back together until last February, but I didn’t want to give him a chance because I know he was not being honest with me. He moved on, met again a high school sweetheart and he is currently engaged now. My heart certainly hurts but I trust that God will heal my broken heart and will bring to my life a man that will love me and respect me…
(USA) In my case, there were constant lies regarding money. I still don’t know where much of it has gone. It started out, sadly, on our wedding day. We got into the car to leave the church and he said, “By the way, I spent your precious money.” I had received an inheritance from my grandmother just one month prior to the wedding. I felt as though I had gotten into the car with the wrong man–Dr. Jekyl, Mr. Hyde. Who are you?
After speaking with pastors, family, etc., we worked through it. Everyone accused me of being a greedy little cuss for not wanting to “share”. He’s a real piece of work when it comes to manipulating others. What disturbed me about the whole thing was that he didn’t seem to see anything wrong with what he had done. There was no guilt or remorse that I could see. That frightened me, but I had made a vow before God now.
A few years later, he was determined to buy a business that I was opposed to. Again, everyone accused me of being too sensitive, or holding him back from reaching his “full potential.” Well, he reached it, alright. He took out a credit card in my name and charged up over $10,000. I took a second job to pay it off and we went back to counseling. This pastor was the worse yet. He said I was just angry because we hadn’t been able to have children. He also said I was being too hard on my husband by saying that he had to earn back my trust.
Shortly thereafter, I had a daughter and son, very close together. My husband was spending many hours at the office, and hiring people I thought were of questionable principles. But, I was enjoying the children and loved being a mommy.
When I went back to work, it was hard on the children. We had a long discussion, and decided I should quit to return home to the children. 2 weeks later, he showed up at an outing for the children and said with a smile that he had something to tell me. He wanted to wait until we got home, but led me to believe it was something good.
When we got home, he said that he had been lying to me for 15 years, and that he had defrauded the IRS out of $500,000 through the business. That was only the beginning of the lies. I later found hard core pornography on his laptop. He threatened suicide, but I never thought he would do it. He didn’t.
The thing that has been so hard is that everyone believes he is such a saint, and that I’m just over-reacting. I take comfort in knowing that God sees the truth.
The pornography on his laptop was horrifying–torture and mutilation of women. It completely desensitized him. As the Bible says, his mind and conscience have become seared, as with a hot iron. His conscience just doesn’t work anymore.
Pray for my children and family that the lies would be revealed for what they are, and that this man’s manipulation would end. And, if you meet a man involved in any type of porn, run and don’t look back.
(USA) Hello ladies. Wow. I am simply amazed that I identified with something in each of your posts. The spread of pornography and the destruction that it causes is truly a work of the devil. He is out to destroy us, our mates, and our marriages HOWEVER he can. Please realize this.
He is working on me/us as well. I have been married for 38 years to a man who is sweet, loving, would do anything to help someone else and generally appears as a good godly man. Oh, but underneath all of that there is a very wounded person (little boy) from childhood tragedies. And I am getting the fruits of that. Through years and years of different addictions and lying about all kinds of things. The lying seems to be the main culprit.
I am 59 years old now and have been a Christian since I was 28. I also have a wounded background, but unlike my husband, I prayed for years and years for inner healing from my past abuse, insecurity, and trust issues. That finally came when I was in my early 40’s and I broke the wall down and confessed that I had a scarred past. It was a process but God healed me of a lot of things. So God can use my weakness and turn it into a strength, right? Yes, He has done that in so many ways.
But now, I feel like I am going through the exact same issues again as everyone else has posted. My husband was arrested for soliciting a prostitute back in 2002. At the time, he told me that he did not have ANY attention of following up with it, that he was only trying to “get back” at all the prostitutes who had solicited him during his job in which he had to travel in undesirable parts of our city. I believed him and told him that if I thought for a minute that he was actually doing it for the act that I would leave and that would be the end. Also, the night that he was arrested, he immediately quit drinking, which had been a BIG problem in our marriage. He gave his heart totally to God that night. And we worked (without any real counseling support) at putting things back together.
Now, in the spring of 2009 I happened to look at the history on the computer and noticed that “craig’s list extreme girls” or something like that was on there. Well, when I clicked on the sight I was absolutely shocked out of my wits and truly experienced the “black out” that the article on this says. I completely lost it. I couldn’t believe the filth that was on there. So I left that very day and stayed for a few nights at a friend’s house. Bless them… they tried so hard to minister to me. But those who don’t have a clue what you are experiencing are not able to do that.
I went home the next day and confronted him with what I had found and he vehemently denied everything, which only added fuel to my fire. I found that I was able to do the tough love thing and told later that weekend that until he confessed this he would have to sleep down the basement and there would be no contact with me (emotionally or physically). After a few days he cried and seemed to repent and said that he was truly sorry for what he had done but this was after I told him that if he didn’t confess that he had done it that I was going to tell our three grown children. That is what made him confess. He truly didn’t want to. But I admit I cornered him into it.
At this time we were talking about this to a very godly man at our church who walked us through the steps to take. So in late June we take a two week trip to Colorado, right? That was also a nightmare. As I had been telling him, talking to him, begging him to start being honest with me about everything, don’t hide anything from me, etc. and he said that as God was his witness he was not hiding anything from me, I found a pack of cigarettes hidden underneath the truck seat. We were camping and I was devastated AGAIN that he lied again and told him that we needed to just go home. I no longer wanted to be on vacation or anywhere else with him. Since then, he got the “patch” to quit smoking, told me he wasn’t smoking, but indeed WAS smoking with the patch on!!! Smoking in and of itself is not the issue here. It is the lying.
I do not believe or trust anything else he says which includes “I love you and I don’t want to lose you”. He puts all of his own hobbies and interests above me and our marriage. So here is where I’m at. God has shown me in the last several weeks that I have a serious control problem which I’m sure has gotten out of control due to my fear of being hurt again. But I know that I need to “let go and let God” work on him instead of me trying to fix him. Is that possible? I do believe that God can do anything and that He is the great healer and restorer. The Bible says that He will restore what the locust has eaten.
I have been SO angry, SO hurt, and SO confused. Neither one of us want the marriage to end after 38 years but I cannot go on or even go back to the way things were before! Either we heal or we go on with our lives separately. And even though God wants to heal us, we do not have the tools except for the Bible to show us how to communicate and put things back together. So I am pretty confident that God wants us to go to an intensive marriage seminar called “A New Beginning”. If you google “marriage restoration seminars” you can find all kinds of them in there.
So I encourage you to pray about that for your own marriages. We have to heal, ladies, and with God’s help and the help of experts on marriages in crisis, we can. Even if your husband doesn’t want to go, but will do it, it might save your marriage and turn it around. The Bible says that marriage is a covenant between God and the marriage partners. And that the vows are not to be broken. I know that adultry is grounds for divorce, but I believe that healing even for this is available. And if we will let Him, God will make us stronger through this horrible suffering that we have had to endure.
Why??? I believe that what WE go through and are able to come out of it with God’s help, no matter how bad it is, that God can use us to help other couples in crisis. And the only way we can do that is when we have been through it ourselves. No, it is NOT fair. But God knew before He ever formed us in our mother’s wombs that we would go through this. He has a plan and a purpose for it. If we had known or seen in the future what was ahead, I am pretty sure the majority of us would never have married that person. Thank God that we don’t know the future or none of us would make it!
Ladies, I don’t know you but I know your heart and what we are all going through which makes us “sisters in pain”. And I want you to know that I love you in the Lord, I will be praying for each and every one of you, and I pray that you will do the same for me. Barb
(USA) I too have just been cheated on. Internet Porn and strip clubs were involved while I thought he was working. I think my life is now a lie. I am 51 years old. He told me he is attracted to 20 years old. How can I erase years from my face? I guess I knew in the back of my mind there has been a problem, but 10 years of it? I did not know. Why the lies? I hope God has a plan for me because I am just not sure. I have no one to talk to about this. All I can do is cry and try to express my feelings in my head.
(USA) As I read all these posts, my heart is breaking for each of you. I myself found out a year ago that my husband was addicted to online dating sites. We had been married for about a year, and were about to have a huge reception party (we had semi-eloped and were throwing a celebration for our large family) when his sister called me. She had let him use her computer when he was over for a visit. He forgot to close down his email. She went to close it but saw a suspect email open. She sent it to me. It had all manner of disgusting things he was saying to some woman he had met on a dating site. He was telling her he was lonely and wanted out of his marriage.
I dug a little deeper online and discovered he was on several dating sites, each with a different story. In one he was not married, in another he was newly divorced. The sexually explicit things he said to these women were things that humiliated me. Some of the things he said I had heard him say to me in the past. He told other women they were beautiful. It made me sick. When I confronted him about it, he denied it for two weeks until I actually printed out proof and he couldn’t deny it any more. We ended up separating and we cancelled our party one week before it was supposed to happen. His whole family found out about the issue. It was the worst time of my entire life.
Through God’s grace, we were able to get to a counselor and save our marriage. It was so hard! I had to face my family and friends. Many of them lost respect for me because I was trying to work out my relationship. I still don’t get invited to many get togethers and some of my family won’t speak to me. Sexual addictions are so hard for people to understand. They think you are weak or have low self esteem if you stay with your husband. In reality it takes a very strong person to stick it out and support a spouse with this issue.
We had a little girl five months ago, and everything seems to be going fine. Then I get this feeling that I need to go online and check again, and for sure he is on a motorcycle dating site. He isn’t as explicit on this one, but to me it is still the same old stuff coming up again! He doesn’t know I have found this yet. He doesn’t do this stuff at home, he does it from work on his laptop. It is so frustrating. He is deployed right now so everything has to be on hold. I don’t want to bring this up while he is far away and going through the stress of a deployment. I am trying not to cry. I have to be strong for my baby girl. I pray each of you has peace and healing comes swiftly. God Bless.