My wife to me is emotionaly abusive. I am an emotional person. Just like you ladies, I feel threatend at the notion I will not be able to wake up where my son is sleeping and that scares me to death to think a part time dad will take my place… The guy who said speak to your husband as if you are his drinking buddy or whatever go to the garage and work on the car type says a lot… It isn’t all about you and your Cinderella story. If you get on his level instead of resenting the last 20 years you have wasted he would be back…trust me.

All we want is to feel important and appreciated just like you… But when you want to rehash things from months ago, maybe years ago, it tells me all you want to do is get my attention… in a bad way… and yes, you need to make love and be emotionally connected or you are just wasting your time. Have sex 3 times a week for a month and I bet you will both be happier.

Tony, I appreciate your advice from a man’s perspective. After reading your post, I realize that I have a lot of work to do in order to reach my man where he is.

It may be guy talk, but that makes it no less valuable, no less deep, nor does it discount the importance of that truth.

Unless anyone likes their views discounted, why discount what he has to say.

Never once did I say her husband was right. What I said was if she wants to speak in a fashion that he can hear, then try these things. It’s her decision to take the advice or leave it. If she wants a close, emotional connection with her husband, it may mean connecting with him on HIS level, not just hers.

Frankly, I believe I gave sound advice. According to what she said, it didn’t matter how she spoke with him, he took it as criticism. OK, so stop talking and start acting.

Words are cheap, from both of them. So if she wants a close connection; if she wants to be with him, then just do it. Just be with him. Don’t put all sorts of conditions on it like it has to be right out of a Lifetime Network movie.

Save the emotional flowery words for the girlfriends. Guys are about action, and doing things. So the best way for her to send that message, the message that she wants to be with her husband is to just do it and be with him. If he likes football, take him to a game. Go to the RV show with him, or take him to the place that sells classic cars and look at the cars.

Am I saying ONLY do those things? No. But if all he’s heard is we never do romantic things anymore, or you never take me anywhere, then he’s logically going to feel like she’s being critical.

Even saying we are not connected is a criticism. So instead of complaining, why can’t she just take action and connect if that’s what she wants?

When you asked him to be your friend, did you have a six pack and suggest you head to the garage and work on a project? I mean his idea of friend is probably very different from yours. It probably doesn’t involve discussions of feelings or group trips to the ladies room. That may mean something to you, but for most guys you may as well be speaking the language of Venus.

So why not listen to HIS heart? He’s telling you that something in your approach leads him to feel this way.

So how does he suggest you bring up these sorts of things? How does he want you to make suggestions, or to state your preferences? Have you asked him? If not, why not ask him how he wants to hear it?

I don’t think you realize how criticism, even if it’s well meaning, can be painful to hear, especially for a guy.

Do you ever tell him what he’s doing right? I see you writing complaints. But what positives have you mentioned? I don’t see any in your post here.

So food for thought from a guy. If you want to be heard, you may need to speak guy, not gal.

PS, Don’t discount what he says will make things better. He’ll likely be more able to hear you after you make love than any other time. So if you avoid that, you likely are not doing yourself any favors with respect to being heard and understood.

He couldn’t be further from the truth. Just yesterday I sat down with him and reassured him that I wanted our marriage, I wanted our family to remain intact, and that there was no need to feel insecure or inadequete. But again all he heard was that I was pointing out all his faults!!!

I have really lost the energy to carry on with this any more. I grow weary trying to achieve what we used to share. To him, the way to make everything better is to make “love” but it is becoming more and more difficult for me. ….How can I make “love” to him when my heart feels so broken and hurt? We find ourselves in a catch 22 … he can’t heal unless I am physical with him and I can’t heal unless he reaches out emotionally… Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get around this situation besides DIVORCE!!?

He does everything separate from me and I think he is very jealous. He will go on tirades of how everyone likes me and how I think I am God. These are words I never utter or would say. My friends see me alone and strong. They admire my faithfulness. We have not shared a bed as he would scream at me if I woke him up due to feeling sick or to talk out something. He fills “his world” with WORK and his boat and whatever else he can do with his brothers to ignore me.

I have planned a getaway, etc. and he will not go. Then, if I plan a surprise he complains how horrible it is. He is miserable most of the time and negative. My husband will not combine my money due to he says I spend too much. I spend to fix our home since he will not do anything. He sleeps on the living room couch in squalor. I just try to focus on my job as teacher, and encourage my kids. I have good ones but they are seeing this.

You would not believe how many woman are seeing this kind of relationship. Often in a support group I belong to… we pray and we wonder where our God is. We want our marriages back. However, our men do not want to work at it. How sad.

I will pray for Donna all week and lift her up. I pray daily for my husband. I love him but not his actions. I pray she will seek help for herself as I have. God bless you all.

Your situation appears to be so complex with control and emotional abuse issues that I believe you need help from a good counselor that is marriage friendly, to help you unpack and unravel this. From what I know of Focus on the Family in Canada, I believe they can direct you to a counselor that can help you in the way you need it. I don’t often recommend this to those that write in, but as I read your comment, that is what immediately came to mind as I prayed for you. This goes beyond doing what “some people” think you should do, but going with wise counsel that will help you work through these issues from a godly angle and perspective. Donna, I pray that God abundantly blesses you and gives you hope and help within your situation! “May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” (2 Thessalonians 3:5)

I do withdraw from him after feeling the sting of his words only to try and protect my heart. I believed in being patient and loving but as time has gone by I have become angry, hurt, and abandoned, questioning why I should stay where someone is hurting me. He claims I provoke him and sufficate him and perhaps I do. I just want so desparately to have him show me the kind, caring man he displays to others, which tends to hurt me even more. Why should I deserve less?

Some people feel I should just end this but my heart just doesn’t want to let go after having worked so hard to have a good healthy marriage, only to have it crumble before my eyes. I am so very dissappointed and have no other real family support to draw from and feel so lonely in this situation.

I have sent him the article above and am certain that it will change the way he sees things. I get so frustrated when I try to talk to him and get nothing, zilch, nada from him. It’s like talking to a brick wall and then he acts like nothing’s happened and I’m still fuming from not getting the answers I need to figure out what is going on.

Thanks so much for this article. I’m sure it will help.