There’s an old song that was popular a number of years ago titled, “Where Did Our Love Go?” Have you ever wondered that same question, “Where DID our love go?” Did you wonder: What happened? How did we get to the place where our love isn’t “happening” like it used to?

Before we married we thought our love was so different than the “normal” relationship. We enjoyed almost every moment of being together and thought our love would only get better and grow deeper because, of course, we’d have more time to be with each other.

We even thought we’d show others (maybe even show our parents, whose marriages appear to be so anemic) what “genuine” love is supposed to look like! But now that you’re married, where did that picture of “genuine” love go?

Frankly, it got sucked into every day living—that’s where it went! It also got blasted away by expectancies, and was sabotaged by forgetfulness.

Everyday living starts to suck the time you used to make for each other—right from the beginning. Making a home together, starting a family and keeping up with all the demands that come with all of that, takes a lot of time and effort. If you aren’t careful you can allow it to push the time away that you need to maintain a growing love relationship with each other.

Just like you can’t fill an automobile with gasoline just once and expect that to be enough to keep things running permanently, a good marital relationship needs continual refueling to keep it going also.

“Expectancies” can also blast away the loving feelings you have for each other. Before marriage when one of you would do something for the other, you were thrilled and appreciative! AFTER marriage it’s something that’s expected. It seems to be an unwritten law of marriage!

I (Cindy) overheard a few husbands asking, “Where is it written in the marriage contract that as soon as you’re married, it’s a husband’s job to take out the garbage, maintain the yard, change light bulbs, and kill spiders?” Then I heard a few wives say, “Where is it written that the wife plans the meals, is in charge of making sure the house is clean, and is the main one responsible for the children’s care?” The banter back and forth was humorous. But their points were well taken.

After marriage certain things are just expected and are taken for granted that the other spouse will do them without question, or appreciation—after-all, that’s the way things are when you live together! That may be the way things MAY be done in marriage — but is that really the BEST way to do them? What about showing appreciation to the spouse who does them?

Even though we’re married, it doesn’t mean we need it any less, to be appreciated! It’s amazing how those accolades act as care packages for the heart, when they’re freely given! Think about it, didn’t we show a lot more appreciation to each other before we married? Maybe it’s one of the reasons you fell in love with your spouse in the first place. And wouldn’t it stand to reason that maybe it could possibly help you to STAY in love after you’re married? Think about it!

Forgetfulness is another problem that sabotages love. We forget common courtesies such as saying “please,” “thank you” and saying “could you” instead of demanding. We also forget to use a reasonable and honoring tone of voice rather than a loud, screaming, sarcastic, rude way of communicating our grievances with our spouse—ways of communication we’d hardly ever use with anyone else!

It’s amazing when you think about it because we’ll commit this discourtesy against our own spouse and forget that they’re the one we promised to “love, honor, and cherish” for the rest of our lives!

Where DID our love go? Where did our loving ways go with each other? They shouldn’t have left when the marriage license was signed, but apparently, that’s what happened in most marriages!

“The problem is not marriage. It’s the people who are bound together in a relationship that makes it good or bad. As one man said, ‘I thought my marriage would be ideal. But now it’s become an ordeal, and now I want a new deal!’” (Dr Tony Evans)

Well, we’ve got a new deal we’d like to propose! So this is your new deal in a friendly reminder:

•  DON’T let everyday living suck away the time you make for each other—even though your life is extremely busy! You make the time to do that which is a priority to you. It’s amazing, despite your busyness, how you can manage to find the time to fill your automobile with gasoline and maintain your home.

Instead, do a little less for some THING else so you can do a little more for some ONE else—your spouse, and make the time to enjoy being with and talking with each other. Make the time to connect, so your marriage doesn’t disconnect!

•  DON’T “expect” so much and instead show appreciation to each other—even for the small things they do! It’s what is needed to maintain love. No one likes to be taken for granted. You don’t like it and neither does your spouse!

•  DON’T forget to be more polite to your spouse than you are to other people! After-all, they’re the one you SAY you love above every other person—so act like it!

•  DO all of the above even if your spouse doesn’t do his or her part! If you find it difficult to think about doing it for them because your marriage, up to this point, has been dysfunctional, do it “as unto the Lord.”

Keep in mind:

“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient; love is kind. It does not envy; it does not boast; it is not proud. It is not rude; it is not self-seeking; it is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.” (1 Corinthians 13: 1-7)

As always, our love and prayers are with you.

Cindy and Steve Wright

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