• Husband Abuse: Can a Wife Abuse Her Husband?
• You and Your Church Can Fight Against Domestic Violence
• All Abuse Hurts
• Abuse And Domestic Violence
• Questions From The “Other Woman”

6 comments so far ↓

• 1 LT // May 21, 2008 at 5:43 pm

  (USA) Wow!! These are great! I take it these are a recent addition to the site?? I never found them until today, despite visiting the abuse section of this site in the past year or so.

  I could not agree more with ALL the many concepts mentioned in the 3 part response above.

  Our Good Lord and Shepherd has shown me many of these things (ie, the church’s’ skewed version of submission), in different ways, and this serves as a beautiful confirmation.

  Thanks, Cindy and Steve!

• 2 Cindy Wright // May 21, 2008 at 7:25 pm

  Hi LT, Yep! These are new. We keep looking and looking for articles on different difficult (and not so difficult) subjects. It takes a lot of time and effort to keep looking; so if you or anyone else discovers any articles that are helpful, that we can point people to, please let us know. (We’re looking mostly for Christian articles, or at least those that don’t go against scriptural principles.) We are truly trying to do all we can to help people make their marriages the best they can be in Christ.

  Please know LT, that you are VERY appreciated, and loved and prayed for, by us and many others, I’m sure. Blessings!

• 3 Mary // Aug 28, 2008 at 8:40 pm

  (USA)  I found these articles on abusive spouses very helpful. I had to mentally and emotionally separate myself from my husband at least ten years ago due to his continued and constant criticisms, negative judgments, insults, demeaning put-downs, and emotional coldness. I felt and still feel that he was out to tear me down as a person to rebuild me in his image. I haven’t felt loved for years; simply barely tolerated, and, of course, my love for him is long gone.

  I’m happiest when he’s gone and just endure it when he’s present. I’ve prayed for the Lord to change my heart and his…and I have done everything I’ve ever read to improve things: act like I love him, set my will to love him, in short, act, act, act… But it’s so dead and nothing has changed. So what do I do? Continue to sacrificially endure him and fake act around him? Or divorce? Or separation? Let God be my portion? Grow old with him fighting misery all the time? I feel for him, but I’m tired of the battle (three kids: 21, 17, 14). Thanks for listening.

• 4 Tony // Aug 29, 2008 at 8:13 am

  (USA)  My question is, why are most abuse articles focused on husbands? While the means of abuse may be different, I don’t think men are MORE abusive than women. To say this is to say that men are more sinful than women, and scripture clearly tells us we are ALL sinners, and all fall short.

  I’ve found very few who understand this text, but in the few article here on this page that address the notion of women abusing or controlling men, this woman has it 100% correct,

  "Dr. Bristow points out that the Hebrew word translated "desire," or "teshuqah," is neither pleasant nor a romantic word. The word "teshuqah" was wrongly translated "desire." Teshuqah is "an insatiable desire to control a person. Eve was told that Adam would rule over her and that she would "desire" him, meaning that she would want to control him. He would be domineering, yes, and she would also be manipulative, cunning and controlling. Each of them, man and woman, would try to control the other." This understanding explains the mess we have in relationships today. Not every woman tries to control her man, just as not every man tries to do the same." (From: Why Do Men Stay in Abusive Relationships? By Barrington H. Brennen)

  I would believe that men are more physically abusive, but I don’t think they are emotionally abusive. Are many emotionally ignorant? Sure. But abusive? No. In fact, the articles presented above indicate that at most 1/4 and probably closer to 1/5 or 1/6 have at least one abusive incident, and far fewer than that are in a pattern of recurrent abuse. Yet many times it appears all men are painted as if they are chronic abusers. Ironically, isn’t that a form of abuse to treat all men as if they are potential abusers? It’s certainly judgmental if not controlling behavior.

  I think ignorance is far more prevalent that pre-mediated abuse. Too many times, in my opinion, this ignorance is falsely called abuse.

  I read an article somewhere else, about walk-away wives, that they know something is wrong with the marriage, but instead of telling their husbands, they expect that he’ll just know. They purposely don’t tell him, waiting to see if he gets it. That’s an abusive behavior, withholding information from a spouse. But we seldom see it applied to the wife’s behavior. The author of the article I quoted above gives token acknowledgment of women abusing men, but still says men do it more. Even though scripture says that men will rule over women, but the desire of a woman is to rule over the man.

  So that tells me that it’s not unique to one gender, both men and women are full of that desire, and abuse is likely an equal opportunity employer, choosing as many women as employees as it does men.

  Affairs are abusive behavior, and for every man in an affair, there is a woman right there with him.

  This is going to sound a bit harsh, but hear me out, it has a biblical basis. And let me put this caveat up front so there is no mistakes. Everyone is responsible for his or her own behavior, period, and there is no excuse for a violent or verbally abusive response.

  However, I think just like men don’t understand the differences in physical strength, women don’t realize that a similar if not the same sort of disparity occurs in the verbal/emotional realm. Ladies, you are often far stronger in this realm than men are. And many of you use this strength in ways that abuse your husbands, or at the very least, fail to take into consideration that you have this advantage and many times your words and actions are just as hurtful emotionally/verbally as any physical blow one might inflict upon another.

  Sometimes a man will feel backed into a corner by your strength in these areas. Sometimes you will pick a fight and not fight fairly, using your advantages in these areas. These are attacks, and no different than being attacked physically.

  In the biblical story of Nabal and David, Nabal was a foolish husband with a wise wife, Abigail. David and his band of men camped near Nabal and protected his flocks and lands. As was the custom of the day, those who received such protection shared some of the harvest with those who offered the protection.

  Nabal refused to share with David, and this angered David. David was organizing his band of men to attack Nabal. Meanwhile, Nabal was having a party and getting drunk on wine while David made his preparations. His wife, Abigail knew this was not the time to approach him, because he couldn’t hear what she was saying at that time.

  Instead, she gathered food and meat and set out to meet David before he attacked her household. She approached him, and used wise words with him in an attempt to change his decision.

  Many things came out of this story.

  1. David was glad she approached him in a respectful fashion. It defused the situation.
  2. She did what was right for her family, even if her husband was a fool (and Nabal means fool)
  3. God dealt with Nabal. The next morning, when he could hear, when he was no longer drunk with wine, Abigail told Nabal what she had done. It appears Nabal was immediately stricken with a stroke, or something like that and soon died.
  4. God took care of Abigail, she became David’s wife.

  Sometimes it’s not your job to correct or to fix your husbands. I’m not saying they are not wrong. We men are often wrong. But how you approach the issue plays a large part in which direction it will go next. If you play it wrongly, it’s just as abusive as if you were 6ft tall, 225 pounds and used your physical strength on him.

  Certainly affairs, abandonment, and other such actions are abusive. Maybe not physically, but certainly verbally and/or emotionally. Typically, women are far better at criticism than men, and often in more sneaky, passive aggressive ways. For example, if you don’t tell him, but share these things with your girl-friends, I argue that doing so is far more destructive than telling him to his face. You still feel what you feel, but are keeping him in the dark about it.

  You may not feel it’s safe to say anything. In a few cases, that may be true. But in most cases, it’s far safer to say something in a respectful fashion, with the goal of building a better relationship than it is to keep it a secret. Secrets and withheld thoughts and feelings are a silent killer of relationships. When you combine that with the typical man’s emotional ignorance of much of what is going on around him, and you have the setting for a marital disaster.

  I think many times, where things go wrong is that folks set out to fix their husbands. I have to fix my husband, he has the wrong ideas about this. Isn’t that merely that desire to rule over her husband? As the Bible predicts, very often it’s played out in life.

  Who is going to respond well to that? It’s offensive, and if continued, it’s abusive. Marriage is about understanding the perspective of your spouse. If he wants the kids to clean up, honor that, yet suggest that there may be a better way to accomplish that goal.

  From a man’s perspective, if he tells a child to do something, such as pick up the waste baskets around the home and put the trash in the large can, and the child doesn’t do this, then it feels like his authority is being undermined. If you come in and make excuses for the child, then how are you supporting him?

  Now if he yells and screams, then what? Well, why not first understand how he feels? I keep hearing women say they want their men to be emotional. Well ladies, here it is, he’s being emotional. Oh, you say not like that. Well, sometimes emotions are not pretty. Sometimes what we feel is anger. It has to be safe to be angry. We are told to be angry, but do not sin. So does that mean we shouldn’t yell? I dunno. Did Jesus yell? Oh, he did.

  I’m not saying one should tolerate a tirade of curse words. But if a child says they will do something and after a few dozen times the child doesn’t do what they say they will do, is the problem that the husband is getting mad, or that the child is not following through with his/her word?

  The problem is not the yelling. Should it have been addressed long before he started yelling? Yep!

  Why is he yelling; why is he mad? Well, he probably doesn’t perceive that he’s heard. After all, he’s expressed how important it is for the child to keep his word, and the child continues not to follow through, and maybe there is some excuses being offered on behalf of the child by mom.

  Will such behavior on mom’s part contribute to her husband being heard?

  Now I’m not talking about a situation where a 6 year old is expected to tote a 100 gallon trash container to the curb. I’m talking about situations where the child is old enough to understand what the words mean, and is given an age appropriate task. I’m not talking about infrequent mistakes, I’m talking about patterns of behavior that are annoying and how they can appear to the husband.

  Sometimes his expectations do need to be shaped. People do things because they think they are the right things to do. If your husband thinks your child needs to learn how to be responsible for the trash, then explore what he’s trying to accomplish, rather than just tell him he’s expecting too much. Why not find a path to get to his objective, instead of just telling him he’s expecting too much. It’s like that about sex. Who wants to hear no? How about instead of no, proposing an interim step or steps to the final objective. It’s like saying not now, but I want to get to that later. It’s a good goal.

  Too many times it seems that such ideas are shot down or undermined by mom. The worst comes when the man is undermined, and undermined, and undermined some more. Isn’t that just a form of criticism? I say it is. It’s nothing more than her desire to rule over him.

  Does any of this excuse abusive behavior? No.

  But I think many times, it either creates an environment where frustration begins to take root. And the man, often at the verbal or emotional disadvantage, continues to feel attacked and always on the defensive.

  A few of these men, and I do believe it’s the minority, fight back, either with words, or with violence. Few want to acknowledge that she has been trying to rule over her husband, and focus only on his inappropriate actions, totally missing her sinful desire to rule, instead of being a partner. I’m not saying she has no voice. It’s the ruling that’s the problem, not that she has ideas.

  Nobody deserves abuse, nobody.

  However, it seems to me few abusive situations are a "kicking the dog" situation. I think most of these cases are men being pushed beyond their level of skill in dealing with such situations in a healthy and loving way. Such articles talk about kicking the dog situations. Yet they don’t tell us that these are the minority of cases. Most case DO involve destructive patters by both husband and wife. Yet it is politically incorrect to suggest that there may be more than one victim when allegations of abuse or brought forward.

  Do they need to learn more healthy habits? Of course.

  However, the other side of this coin is to recognize that while the victim never deserves the abuse received, often the victim has provoked the attacker. Or worse, the "victim" was originally an attacker, but because the wounds she inflicts are emotional, they are not "real" therefore she is not an abuser, but merely a victim.

  I think in far more cases, the abuse is mutual. I think many women would be surprised to hear how hurtful their words and responses are to their husbands. How they feel attacked and abused.

  I do think these men need to speak up. But I think, just like we need to give voice to the physical violence victims, we need to also give voice to these men who are overwhelmed by what to them, must feel like a constant emotional and/or verbal assault.

  So let’s not forget the story of Nabal and Abigail, and that how and when you approach a topic plays a large role in how it will turn out. Are there some cases where it doesn’t matter how you approach it? Of course. But let us remember that this is the MINORITY of case, not the majority. Most men are not abusive, nor are most women. However, men are NO MORE abusive than women, regardless what man gathered stats tell us. The Bible tells us we are ALL sinners.

  A victim is never responsible for abuse. However, in any circumstance, BOTH people are responsible for the environment. Are you creating an environment where your spouse feels their only recourse is to respond in an abusive fashion?

• 5 LT // Aug 29, 2008 at 9:53 am

  (USA)  I wanted to say to whomever is reading that abuse is serious! Do not think that abuse (in whatever form) occurs because you could be doing something differently. Abuse comes from anger from within a person that is not healed and until healed it does not matter what the other people in the home do.

  I completely disagree with Tony’s implication that if a person were acting differently, perhaps it would stop. This is simply not the case. I’ve read too many articles that support this. In the case of David and Abigail (I Samuel) - nothing Abigail did made Nabal act as a fool. It’s who he was, regardless of what the others around him did. I’ve listened to my mother-in-law talk about how she tried to change time and time again in hopes her abusive husband would stop abusing her and the kids. Nothing she did or tried made a difference.

  I myself live in an abusive marriage which I struggle with every day. As long as I keep going to God, He changes me where I need it (assuming I’m humble enough to be changed) but God’s changes in me have made NO DIFFERENCE whatsoever in my husband’s attitude. The physical abuse stopped only because my church forced my husband to stop. And he fought that pretty hard, too. The verbal and emotional abuse continues.

  Please educate yourself if you live in an abusive household. Stormie Omartian’s book, Praying Through the Deeper Issues of Marriage, points out that her husband’s anger problem was HIS problem, not hers.

  Let me make this clear - people with an anger problem will always point the finger somewhere else for something or someone to blame for it. That does not make it true. To Mary - if your husband is saying you "cause" him to act as he does, it’s NOT true. Do not believe that. Those are the lies of Satan. They are the lies that angry and abusive people use (and that Satan takes advantage of) to keep the victim in fear as well as keep the abuser from seeing a need for change in his or herself.

  Abuse is a very serious problem. Please take the comments of Tony with a grain of salt. I’m not trying to put him down or cause offense, it’s just that as a victim of spousal abuse and seeing that it’s come down at least 2 generations in my husband’s family, this is too serious to take lightly. People who have not lived with actual abuse, do not understand and may try to tell you it’s your fault or that if you changed, it might make your husband change. To say that because a woman or man may not have the best, most diplomatic communication skills is somehow equal with physical abuse? I must say I’ve never, more wholeheartedly disagreed with a statement more than I disagree with that one. There is absolutely no comparison between the two.

  If a man feels his wife has emasculated him or disrespected him in some way, he should talk to her calmly about it and they can move foward with a solution. But to say that that somehow is equal with a man physically abusing his wife? Absolutely not.

  Change as you feel the Lord wills, but do NOT expect it to make a change in your husband. The bible says that husbands might be won over by the chaste behavior of their Godly wives. I Peter 3:1 Notice it says they might be, not that they necessarily will be.

  You can’t change your husband, but you are accountable not only for your actions but your inaction as well. The bible says in Titus 2:11-12, to reject ungodliness. You must set boundaries for what you will and will not tolerate. Not because you can change your husband (or anyone else), but because it is biblical in rejecting ungodliness from others. We have the scriptural right to do so.

  If anyone reading this is still wondering whether or not the abuse victims are a cause of the abuse, in any way, ask yourself this question and perhaps the answer can serve to enlighten you. Why do most physical abusers (as well as a lot of emotional abusers, too) only abuse their family and do so behind closed doors? They lead normal lives at work and in social settings. You don’t usually hear of abusers hitting their bosses or the waitress who served their drink wrong. My understanding and personal experience is that they inherently know it’s wrong but are unwilling, incapable (or both) of doing anything about it. Abusers tend to live in denial.

  Mary - please read the resources of this website and read Christian books on abuse to educate yourself. Read God’s word and applicable verses to your situation. Take all comments written by "lay people" here on this site with a grain of salt (including myself) and only go with what the Lord leads you to as the truth you need for you and your life. Also, see the article on this website called functional fixedness - it talks about setting up boundaries of respect. God bless.

• 6 Tony // Sep 15, 2008 at 11:54 am

  (USA)  I was listening to Dr Harley’s radio show today and he said something very interesting. He said more men than women are hospitalized due to abuse perpetrated on them by their spouse or partner.

  That was interesting. With the perception of DV being man on woman violence, I would have thought that women being hospitalized would far out number men. This is not the case.

  So let’s not paint this as a male only issue. It seems the evidence is growing that men to are victims not only of emotional or verbal abuse, but also of physical abuse.