I think someone who has healthy self-respect would not read it that way at all, but as a victim of domestic violence myself, I read it and it sounded like the author bashing me over the head just as my husband does verbally and it did not make me feel well at all. So I only recommend it to women with healthy self-worth and self-respect (it takes a LONG time for victims of abuse to get that back).

However, reading your posts, you seem to have a pretty strong and healthy sense of self so I think you could receive the book as it is meant to be received. It will open your eyes and give you insights on communicating in a healthy way and setting up healthy boundaries.

It’s not talking about making the other person miserable but it is talking about handling situations with maturity and emotional health, and that is something that 90% plus of people I know don’t know how to do and don’t put into action in their everday lives. Most people are immature in most ways, particularly by acting out of anger or hurt and lashing back, and then they resort to pettiness and this book is showing how not to do that.

The other book I’d recommend reading is the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It sounds like you and your husband have the classic symptoms of "empty love tanks." Your needs aren’t getting met and neither are his but neither of you know what to do. I will say this – the longer this goes on, the more desperate things become and both people become forlorn and become hopeless. This book tells you how to turn that around and it’s really good! It’s good for other relationships, too, besides just your spouse.

There are SOOO many Christian resources out there that Christ has pointed me to and I’ve done TONS of reading in the last few months or so (more than that really), along with my daily reading of the Bible and I highly recommend reading these books to give you different ideas of how to interact in the relationship that is the closest one you’ll ever have and to broaden your horizons. You don’t want to throw in the towel without really trying a lot of different things, including reading really solid Christian resource books.

Most of us are NOT taught healthy communication skills and are not given healthy emotional foundations and so it’s something we have to learn when we get older, assuming we are humble enough to admit we need help and wise enough to seek the Lord’s will on obtaining it.

The book of Proverbs has much to say about wisdom:
Proverbs 1:7
The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction.
Proverbs 2:2
so that thou incline thine ear unto wisdom and apply thine heart to understanding;
Proverbs 4:5
Get wisdom, get understanding; forget it not, neither decline from the words of my mouth.
Proverbs 4:7
Wisdom is the principal thing, therefore get wisdom; and with all thy getting, get understanding.

The one other thing I will say that I’ve noticed is that people who were in serious marriage trouble, those that were able to turn it around were usually able to do so by a LOT of hard work and they still say that there are "seasons" in a marriage; some dry seasons that have to be weathered.

I highly recommend those 2 books to you. God bless and you’re in my prayers! LT

"Without nagging and without pretty recriminations (withholding sex, the silent treatment, a critical spirit, and so forth), Jenny gently but forcefully made her husband see that as long as he acted the way he did, their marriage was going to suffer in specific ways — ways that affected him."

How do you gently but forcefully show your husband that his actions are going to cause him suffering without doing any of the things named above?

I ask because I am currently not speaking with my husband right now. We’ve been growing distant for some time now. Sometimes it seems to get good for a little while and I really believe he’s changed; but then it all falls apart again. I have prayed, read books, sought Christian counseling, and even left for a short period of time. I don’t know what else to do. I feel as if this article is a completely accurate account of my husband. He doesn’t care if he hurts me, and he doesn’t care to make any effort to change things.

What can you do if your spouse doesn’t think there’s a problem? He’ll admit that we’ve grown apart; he’ll admit that he doesn’t feel close to me, but he says that’s ok. I don’t believe its ok.

I can’t continue living this way, and I know that God doesn’t want me to live this way. I’ve said that and tried to do everything I could. I’ve given God my marriage and things do get better but my husband always reverts back to his ways. I don’t know what to do anymore. I do feel alone, and unwanted. I am constantly suspicious and doubting of him. He breaks just about every promise he ever makes (not exaggerating). He lies to me about stupid things. There is no trust, and he is disrespectful to me, but I haven’t ever tolerated it. I don’t know what else to do. I have been abandoned and neglected for so long that I don’t even know if I love him anymore, and I am stuck here. I don’t believe in divorce so I am stuck here.

I agree that because my husband doesn’t care if I am hurting he needs to change because of his own suffering (because he wants to) but if the things above are not the way to show him that his actions cause him suffering, what does? How do you gently but forcefully show your husband that his actions are going to cause him suffering?

Please pray for me? Love, Lynne

I love reading this website, it’s been a blessing. But I have to say this so far is the best blessing. I am willing to work things out. I’ll write down a list of things I NEED TO CHANGE and present to God so that we can work on this project together. I am excited! Things will change!