“Why should I be the one to change when it’s my spouse who’s causing problems in our marriage?” That’s a thought that often comes out when someone confesses they’re having marital problems and the person they’re talking to tells them that “the only one they really have the power to change is themselves.”

That’s the issue we’d like to discuss this week in our marriage message. We came across a few articles from “Smart Marriages” that address this dilemma and we thought it gave some interesting thoughts. The discussion points we’re going to share came from a book called Divorce Busting by Michelle Weiner-Davis. It’s not a “Christian” book, but from what we’ve read, the principles are helpful for every marriage and we’d like to share them with you. At the end of the article, we’ll add some thoughts that may be helpful from a Biblical point of view.

Michelle writes:

Why Should I Be the One to Change? You’re really mad at your partner. You’ve explained your point of view a million times. S/he never listens. You can’t believe that a person can be so insensitive. So, you wait. You’re convinced that eventually s/he will have to see the light. that you’re right and s/he’s wrong. In the meantime, there’s silence. The tension’s so thick in your house; you can cut it with a knife. You hate the distance, but there’s nothing you can do about it because you’re really mad.

You try to make yourself feel better by getting involved in other things. This even works—sometimes. But you wake up every morning facing the fact that nothing has changed at all. A feeling of dissatisfaction permeates everything you do. From time to time, you ask yourself, “Is there something I should do differently?” But you quickly dismiss this thought because you know that, in your heart of hearts, you’re not the one to blame. So the distance between you and your partner persists.

Does any of this sound familiar? Have you and your spouse been so angry at each other that you’ve gone your separate ways and stopped interacting with each other? Have you convinced yourself that, until s/he initiates making up, there will be no peace in your house? If so, I have few things I want to tell you. You’re wasting precious energy holding on to your anger. It’s exhausting to feel resentment day in and day out. It takes a toll on your body and soul. It’s bad for your health and hard on your spirit. And it’s awful for your relationship.

Anger imprisons you. It casts a gray cloud over your days. It prevents you from feeling real joy in any part of your life. Each day you drown yourself in resentment is another day lost out of your life. What a waste!

I’ve worked with so many people who live in quiet desperation because they’re utterly convinced that their way of seeing things is right and their partner’s wrong. They spend a lifetime trying to get their partners to share their views. I hear, “I’ll change if s/he changes,” a philosophy that ultimately leads to a stalemate.

There are many variations of this position. For example, “I’d be nicer to her, if she were nicer to me,” or “I’d be more physically affectionate if he were more communicative with me,” or “I’d be more considerate and tell her about my plans if she wouldn’t hound me all the time about what I do.” You get the picture! “I’ll be different if you start being different first.” Trust me when I tell you that this can be a very, very long wait.

There’s a much better way to view things when you and your spouse get stuck like this. I’ve been working with couples for years and I’ve learned a lot about how change occurs in relationships. It’s like a chain reaction. If one person changes, the other one does too. It really doesn’t matter who starts first. It’s simply a matter of tipping over the first domino. Change is reciprocal. Let me give you an example.

I worked with a woman who was very distressed about her husband’s long hours at work. She felt they spent very little time together as a couple and that he was of little help at home. This infuriated her. Every evening when he returned for work, her anger got the best of her and she criticized him for bailing out on her. Inevitably, the evening would be ruined. The last thing he wanted to do after a long day at work was to deal with problems the moment he walked in the door.

Although she understood this, she was so hurt and angry about his long absence that she felt her anger was justified. She wanted a suggestion from me about how to get her husband to be more attentive and loving. She was at her wit’s end.

I told her I could completely understand why she was frustrated and that, if I were in her shoes, I would feel exactly the same way. However, I wondered if she could imagine how her husband might feel about her nightly barrage of complaints. “He probably wishes he didn’t have to come home,” she said. “Precisely,” I thought to myself, and I knew she was ready to switch gears. I suggested she try an experiment.

“Tonight when he comes home, surprise him with an affectionate greeting. Don’t complain; just tell him you’re happy to see him. Do something kind or thoughtful that you haven’t done in a long time, even if you don’t feel like it.”

“You mean like fixing him his favorite meal or giving him a warm hug? I used to do that a lot.” “That’s exactly what I mean,” I told her, and we discussed other things she might do as well. She agreed to give it a try.

Two weeks later she returned to my office and told me about the results of her “experiment.” “That first night after I talked with you I met him at the door and without a word, gave him a huge hug. He looked astounded, but curious. I made his favorite pasta dish, which was heavy on the garlic so he smelled the aroma the moment he walked in. Immediately, he commented on it and looked pleased.

We had a great evening together. It was the first in months. I was so pleased and surprised by his positive reaction that I felt motivated to keep being ‘the new me.’ Since then things between us have been so much better, it’s amazing. He’s come home earlier and he’s even calling me from work just to say hello. I can’t believe the change in him. I’m so much happier this way.”

The moral of this story’s obvious. When one partner changes, the other partner changes too. It’s a law of relationships. If you aren’t getting what you need or want from your loved one, instead of trying to convince him or her to change, why not change your approach to the situation? Why not be more pragmatic?

If what you’re doing (talking to your partner about the error of his/her ways) hasn’t been working, no matter how sterling your logic, you’re not going to get very far. Be more flexible and creative. Be more strategic. Spend more time trying to figure out what might work as opposed to being bent on driving your point home. You might be pleasantly surprised. Remember, insanity has been defined as doing the same old thing over and over expecting different results.

Look, life is short. Make your relationship the best it can possibly be. Stop waiting for your partner to change in order for things to be better. When you decide to change first, it will be the beginning of a solution avalanche. Try it— you’ll like it!

Before we close these thoughts we’d like to add one more point that Michelle made during another interview that gives even further light to this subject that we feel warrants the time we’re devoting to it. She said:

“People often ask me, ‘How do I get my spouse to read (books on marriage like The Divorce Remedy or Divorce Busting)?’ or ‘Should I encourage my spouse to read your book?’

Here are my thoughts about this. I wrote these books with the idea that both spouses working on their marriage simultaneously is a luxury. I generally assume that one spouse is more motivated than the other to work on the marriage — read self-help books, take marriage education classes, talk about things regularly, and so on— and believe that it’s truly possible for one person to trigger positive relationship change single-handedly. My experience with couples has taught me that I don’t need both spouses in order to help couples improve their marriages.

I just need one motivated spouse. Relationships are such that if one person changes, the relationship changes. So I show people how to approach their partners in new and more productive ways. Often this triggers a solution avalanche. However, when both spouses are willing to read the books or attend a marriage education class, that’s great. It will mean that you’ll have a shared perspective, a common vocabulary and similar ideas about what real change in marriage requires. But the operative word here is willing.

If your spouse has pulled away and let you know in no uncertain terms, “I love you but I’m not in love with you,” or if you’re already doing the “Last Resort Technique”, your asking him or her to read the book will probably be viewed as chasing. As you probably know by now, chasing a reluctant spouse can be like opening the door to let him or her out of the marriage. If your spouse has told you to back off, don’t ask him or her to read a book.

If on the other hand, things aren’t quite as rocky, you can consider asking your spouse to read it. Don’t insist — just ask. Some people have made more progress by leaving the book around the house in a conspicuous place rather than asking directly. You might just pique your spouse’s curiosity. But the bottom line is that you shouldn’t make reading the book an issue. That could be detrimental.

And one more thing — don’t assume that if you’re the only one reading the book that it’s a less-than-desirable situation or that your chances of reconciliation are worse. They aren’t. Ultimately, you have to be the catalyst for change whether your spouse reads the book or not. You have to change you. So get started. Read all you can and put to use what you learn. (To order Michele’s book Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving your Marriage go to: www.smartmarriages.com)

We know this has been a long message to read through, but it’s a powerful one. Too often we try various methods of communicating, and eventually give up thinking it’s hopeless. But with God, nothing is hopeless… nothing is impossible. (See Luke 1:37 and Luke 18:27.)

We have to admit that both of us have come to the place in our own marriage several times where we almost gave up thinking we could never reconcile the differences between us. But as someone once said, “God is able to create and re-create— and when we think everything is dead — that’s when He can do something exciting!” And that’s so true! We’re told in the Bible: “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:9).

We’ve personally seen God do the impossible in our own relationship numerous times and we’ve seen Him do the impossible in the lives of other married couples more times than we can count. As God’s children we need to determine that we won’t “become weary in doing good.” We live in such a “microwave” and also a “disposable” world today. If solutions don’t come quick enough according to our time-frame, it’s time to toss aside what we then consider to be garbage, and move on hoping for a better outcome the next time.

We forget the importance of being a “promise keeper” as God is and expects us to be. It’s a good thing God doesn’t give up on us like we give up on each other. We’d all be lost.

But God does expect more from His children than He does “those who are in the world.” We must never forget that! ” Jesus commanded those who wanted to be his disciples to follow HIS standard for loving people rather than the world’s standard. Jesus directs us to love others in the same way he loves us. When Jesus saw us hopelessly enslaved to sin, he didn’t say, ‘I don’t feel like dying on a cross for them. I think I’ll wait until the feeling comes.’ He didn’t say, ‘I’ve tried and tried to love them, but they always reject me. I give up!’

Jesus saw that without Him we would perish, and He acted lovingly toward us despite our rejecting Him. His love didn’t depend on what we did to deserve it, or even on whether we accept it. Jesus freely and unconditionally gave us His love. This is how God wants us to love our spouses. Not with strings attached, as the world loves. Not just love as long as they’re lovable. Not just love as long as they appreciate it. God wants us to give our love freely and unconditionally. Only God can help us to love people in this way.” (Blackaby)

We need to determine that we’ll apply the Bible to our lives where it reads, “Do nothing from selfishness and empty conceit, but with humility of mind, let each of you regard one another as more important than himself” (Philippians 2:3).

Our love is with you as together we work on our marriages so they reflect the love of Christ-witnessing to the world what only God can do in and through ordinary married couples like us.

Because of the love of Christ.
Steve and Cindy Wright

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