I have to make sure that I’m right with God, I have to be pleasing in God’s eyes. It’s so hard when you have someone who thinks they do no wrong and that offense always comes from the other person instead of looking at themselves. If I wait for him to admit that he’s wrong or say that he’s sorry…well, it will be a very long time. God let me be pleasing in your sight and help me to see myself, let me see my spouse the way that you see him. Amen.

I am in my second year of marriage… and my God… all the girls out there who fantasize and day dream that marriage is a bed of roses should be enlightened… You do not sit back and expect things to flow, no way! Marriage is a job, a job that one once dreams of having and works hard to keep, despite all the challenges.

Over the weekend my nanny left. So we were in a fiasco of how we are going to work … Because my husband has private business he decided to stay home look after our baby. I went to work unsettled and started looking for a nanny. I thought of all the plans he had for the day that were ruined and decided to talk to my manager about it so that I could flex my time. After this I called hubby and told him he could attend his meeting — I would be home in the afternoon. He sulked and rudely told me they were doing fine.

I went home to check on them. He rudely asked me why I had returned home… I left and went back to work… I was filled with anger; I could not do a thing… thinking to myself… why does this man have to make me feel guilty? Why does he have to treat me like a rug? I was so infuriated I felt like going to my mamas. I recollected all I have done for him and all he has done to me that has ticked me off! Then as I was furious. Not focused, I decided to look at my email and hey here it was …. to me … why should i change! This was my attitude. I always felt this man should style up coz I am doing all the work while he fools around…

e.g a time we went out and he started dancing with other women. I felt so embarrassed and told him about it which only made it worse. He asked ‘its’ not that I am sleeping with them.’ It hurt even when I tried to tell him that even the mere looking at, or thought of it, is cheating. Oh my God, I wished there was someone to make him realise the impact of his actions!

I also retaliated by doing the same and he wasn’t happy. I said ‘do you see how it feels?’ but no. The next day he was flirting with woman x… I told him it wasn’t making me happy. He asked me how I would react if he were a celebrity… Then sometimes I feel like I think I am in the worst place with the wrong man. Yet deep inside I admire him, love him, am proud of him but he makes me maaaaad!!!

I am glad that Steve and Cindy are doing this job. I am so happy that you cool me down when I am bubbling with anger. After reading this I realised compromise is part of this. I have to let down my pride and try. It will be hard but I will do it.

About a year and a half ago, through the magnificent grace of God I realized that our marriage was nothing more than married roommates and something needed to change. We had lost the fun, the togetherness, and the passion. For many years I believed that our down fall was all my wife’s doing and if she would just change than things would be better. What a huge misconception. Yes there were things that she needed to change in her life, but my telling her that, and nagging about it wasn’t going to change anything until I changed my attitude and actions. And change I did. I committed myself to be the husband God wants me to be. I started to pay more attention to my wife’s needs than to mine. I changed the priorities in my life, from work – fun – me and God when I needed him, to God – my wife – my family – my work.

This was not a quick or easy change. And it was met with some hesitation and confusion by my wife. I then began to understand I needed to change one other nagging aspect of myself — that being communication. I have never been one to talk much, especially about personal thoughts and feelings. I slowly started to express my thoughts and feeling and to my great surprise my wife was interested in what I had to say. All these years I believed she didn’t care what I thought or felt, when in actuality I had never given her the chance. We slowly began to openly discuss our relationship and feelings. It has been so invigorating to be able to talk with her.

Back to the original question, “Why should I change?” Because in most marriages if one of you steps up and make changes and corrections in your life, it can make a huge difference in your marriage. And more than likely your spouse will begin to respond in kind. When that happens the dominoes will start to fall.

The transition and life correction is not an easy step. But one that I am so grateful that God pointed me to. We are still growing closer as a couple and look forward to many more years of being close to God and each other, and never going back to the old days. “Yes, one can make a difference in your marriage.” FHG, Rob