Why Some Spouses Give Up
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The following story is a parable meant to be used as an imaging tool. It’s not meant to give a spouse, who is ready to give up on a marriage, an excuse to do so. It can however, give the abandoned spouse a better understanding as to why their spouse may have decided to leave their marriage when they did.
More importantly however, this parable is meant to be used as a “wake-up call” to those spouses who are asleep to the fact that they’ve been neglecting their family. And if they don’t come to that realization and do something to drastically reverse their neglectful behavior immediately —they may wake up one morning to find themselves alone without a family to care for and spend time with.
Read the following edited story with an open mind and heart as to what the author Andy Stanley is trying to tell those who think their family should keep understanding why they spend so much time away from them. Pastor Stanley writes:
Use your imagination for just a moment. Imagine that your best friend walks up to you in your front yard one Saturday and asks you to do him a favor. You have some free time, and so you agree to do it. He walks over to his car, opens the trunk, and produces a thirty-pound rock.
Now here’s where you’re really going to have to use your imagination: At this point he hands you the rock and says, “I really need you to stand here with this rock until I return.” He explains why it’s important that you stand in that one spot with the rock and promises to return shortly to retrieve it. It’s a strange request, and his explanation doesn’t make a lot of sense, but this is someone you trust, so you agree. At this point he thanks you with extreme gratitude and then gets into his car and drives away.
An hour goes by. And what started out as a reasonable favor is beginning to get a little hard. But after all, this is your best friend, so you resign yourself to continue on and stand there. Another hour goes by and your arms are starting to ache. Everything in you wants to sit down, but you made a promise. Then suddenly, to your relief, your friend pulls in the driveway, jumps out of the car, and runs in your direction. You’re so relieved. If you weren’t holding the rock, you’d hug him.
But your joy is quickly crushed. Instead of relieving you of your burden he says, “I told you I was coming right back. But I need to run one more quick errand. If you’ll keep holding the rock, I’ll make it up to you when I return.” Once again, you trust that what you’re told is true. If your friend needs to run one more errand before relieving you that is just the way it is. So you agree. As he turns to go you can’t help but yell out, “Please hurry.” Off your friend goes and there you stand.
Another hour goes by. The sun begins to set. Your muscles are aching to be able to drop the rock. But you refuse to give in. You’re committed to holding up your part of what you promised. Besides, your friend said he’d make it up to you. You aren’t sure what that means, but it must be something good. Thirty minutes later a car pulls up in the driveway. Someone you don’t know is driving. This person walks over and informs you that your friend has been delayed. “Would you mind holding the rock for just a little while longer?” he asks.
You experience a mixture of pain and anger. You manage to mutter, “Just tell him to hurry.”
Away the person goes and there you stand. It’s dark now. The streets are empty. The neighbors are at their windows watching you stand there, wondering why you’d put up with being treated like that by a “friend.”
Another hour goes by. You begin to lose your grip. Your arms begin to fall. You tell yourself to hold on, but your body just won’t respond. Down goes the rock. And just as it hits the pavement and breaks into a hundred pieces, your friend pulls up in the driveway. He jumps out of the car, runs over with a look of panic on his face, and says, “What happened? Did it slip? Did somebody knock it out of your hands? Did you change your mind?” And as he looks for an explanation as to why you suddenly dropped the rock, you know that it was a long time coming.
Now let me explain what happened in terms that will help us later on. Your mental willingness was overcome by your physical exhaustion. You wanted to do what you were asked to do, but after awhile you just couldn’t do it anymore. Add to that the frustration of being misled about how long you’d have to stand there. But even if the aggravation is put aside, at some point you just weren’t going to be able to keep holding on. No amount of love, dedication, commitment, or selflessness was going to be able to make up for the fact that your arms were worn out.
Now, let’s add another element to that story: You’re about to pass out from exhaustion. And finally a car pulls up in the driveway. You’re so angry and in so much pain you know you’ll have to choose your words carefully. Sure enough, it’s your friend. He walks over slowly with one hand behind his back. He forces a smile and says, “I brought you something.”
Suddenly he brings out from behind his back a bouquet of flowers. At that point you don’t just drop the rock; you find within yourself just enough strength to throw it at him! As he ducks, he exclaims, “What was that all about? I bought you flowers, didn’t I?”
Now, I probably don’t need to apply my little parable. The meaning is pretty obvious. So at the risk of insulting your intelligence, let me be painfully specific:
• When we ask our husbands and wives to carry their load as well as ours, it’s like handing them a rock.
• When we’re absent at critical junctures in family life, they’re left holding the rock.
• When we find ourselves pointing to the future to somehow make up for the past and the present, they’re holding the rock.
• When we assure our families that things are going to change and they don’t, they’re holding the rock.
The interesting thing is that they always accept it. And why not? They love us. They trust us. Besides, we always reassure them that they’ll only have to hold it for a short time.
Everybody is willing to be “understanding” when a loved one needs to neglect the family as a top priority for a reasonable period of time. And in real life, taking time away from the family because of job responsibilities is sometimes unavoidable. But when they’re left to carry a load of neglect they were never created to carry in the first place—it’s just a matter of time before things will begin to unravel.
There’s a point at which that mental willingness isn’t enough to hang on. With a literal rock, mental willingness is eventually overcome by physical exhaustion. With an imaginary rock, mental willingness is eventually overtaken by emotional exhaustion. And when that happens, the rocks come tumbling down.
There’s always a final straw: a comment, a phone call, a tired explanation, a no-show, a forgotten birthday, or a missed game. Some little thing that pushes those we love past their ability to hold on. And to the uniformed, unsuspecting spouse —to the husband or wife who has lived with the fantasy that everything is just fine-it seems like a huge overreaction. They think: ”All I said was.” ”All I did was.”
But it wasn’t the moment. It wasn’t the phone call. It wasn’t the fact that the big hand on the clock was on the six instead of the twelve. It was weeks, months, or possibly years of waiting for things to change. The rock finally slipped out of their calloused hands.
When the rock drops, you’ll do everything in your power to pick it up and piece it back together. You’ll find the time to devote to fixing the problem. But in my experience, when the rock drops, there is always some permanent damage. Most rocks can’t be put back together again.
Do you know what your family wants from you more than anything else? They want to feel accepted. In practical terms, they want to feel like they are your priority.
“But they are my priority,” you might argue. That may be true. They may be your priority in your heart, but that’s not the point. They want to feel like your priority. It’s not enough for them to be your priority. They must feel like it.
I’ll never forget discussing this point with a very busy corporate vice president. He kept assuring me of how much he loved his wife and kids. Finally I interrupted him and said, “The problem is, you love your family in your heart, but you don’t love them in your schedule. They can’t see your heart —they only know your schedule.”
Keep in mind that the chief indicator to your family of where you place your loyalty is time. It’s what you put on our calendar. Where you spend your time is an indication of where your loyalties lie. In effect, you pledge your allegiance to the person or thing that receives your time.
Are there time-consuming bridges you need to burn? Are there accounts at work you need to hand off? Are there some out-of-town meetings that need to be handled on the phone? Is there an offer you need to refuse? A promotion you need to give back? Once you’ve made up your mind to make your family more of a priority, it will become all too clear what stands in the way of your being able to focus on your commitment to re-prioritize.
So what is your non-negotiable? What does it look like? Does it mean leaving the office everyday at 5:30, regardless? Does it mean never missing one of your children’s performances or ball games? What does the commitment look like in your world?
Again promising to do “better” won’t get it. You’ve already done that. That terminology doesn’t even register with your family. They’ve heard that before.
The above article came from the book, When Work and Family Collide: Keeping Your Job from Cheating Your Family
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(USA) What do you do when your spouse comes back once in a while (only when you’re already angry) to help carry the rock for two seconds then runs off again when you’re no longer angry and you think they’re staying a while to help? I can no longer trust my spouse to help me with our marriage. I am left to do it all by myself as they do not stay long enough to do any real/lasting work. I am at a loss as to what to do next with three kids and and a spouse who, for all intents and purposes, is still a child too.
(USA) My spouse states she loves her family yet spends more time in thought and with her family on the phone worrying about back home instead of the day to day routine of our household. I’ve practically taken over the cooking, washing and cleaning, all the while working 10-12 hours a day on a demanding job of which I had to quit to ensure home was taken care of. I’m exhausted.
She constantly reminds me that we should sell everything and move back “home” which is obviously where her heart is. This has dragged on for 4 years now and I’m ready to let her go to wherever her heart is content.
(USA) This article really hit home for me. I had the perfect marriage with my beautiful wife. She was the most amazing, kind, loving person that I have ever met. She did so much for me that I was able to really grow in my career and become very successful. I thought I had the perfect marriage. Then when she left I didn’t understand. To me it was completely out of the blue. I was oblivious to the facts.
Looking back there were so many warning signs. I was so focused on ME and though I love her with all my heart, I didn’t show her. So many times I left her holding the rock! She was in so much pain and I had no idea. Now I see and I have changed, I am here for her. But she says her heart is not with me anymore. At this point I just don’t know what to do.
(USA) Mike, I am literally right in the middle of that same kind of situation with my wife after 20 years. She tells me that we have been more like good old friends than husband and wife. Over the years she has shared her feeling for more verbal affection and sweetheart hugs. But it now appears that I didn’t have enough compassion for my wife and missed several warning signs also… only to reference limited conversation, eating alone, and relaxing in separate parts of now a COLD house.
Although, my wife still loves me but is no longer in love with me… her heart is broken and I waited too long before I saw the light. I hope that time will bring us back closer together to focus on one another. I am hopeful that your situation will get better. Any suggestions?
(USA) Jim, Mike, man the only thing good that came out of this parable for me is that others are in the same boat as me. I’m not saying I wish losing a loved one on anybody but I realize how wide spread this is knowing others have gone through it. And like you guys said, the warning signs are always there but I was too selfish to see them. I hope there’s a happy ending for everybody involved. I pray.
(USA) Same thing is happening to me. Can you tell me what has happened since? I’m going through a separation right now and I’m lost as to what to do. My wife left me 2 months ago and she says she feels nothing for me. So I don’t know if I should leave her alone or keep trying to get her back.
(USA) Adam, I have been asking myself that same question for the past week. I dread the thought of letting it drag on and on. I want to decide whether I let her go, or I try to win her back.
I think the problem is that they feel like we have already let them go and they don’t want us to try and win them back. We did permanent damage that we can no longer fix. The sad truth is that it is up to them to figure things out on their own. They view us trying to make things right at this point selfish since we had our chance already and we didn’t put in the effort. Once they get tired of us, they won’t allow themselves to be placed in that situation again. Like is said at the end of the parable, they register that things will be “better”. I know it is hard because I want nothing more than to demonstrate that THIS time things WILL BE BETTER. However, since it took a long time for them to break, it will probably take longer for them to heal. We can’t live this time in regret waiting for the moment we get our chance because we may never get it. It is time to think about fixing ourselves and identifying why our rocks weigh so much. If they grow to want to open their hearts to us in the future (for a second time), then we have to be prepared already living a life that they want to live with us. They are looking for a second chance, but with a new personality. If we want it to be us, we have to establish and live with our new personalities right now during our separation. What hurts is that even so, they may choose someone else.
I feel like a hypocrite right now because just yesterday I exposed my epiphany of wanting to change my life and be better. Of course, she grew angry since she requested space to figure things out on her own. I may have dug my own grave in that aspect, so now more than ever I have to come to terms with just moving in with my life and being a dad. I won’t be searching for someone else, but I won’t close off if it happens. We just have to take things slow and do things right if we do find anyone else. My prayers are with my wife and the future of our family together and I hope God can help her find her way. I will always be in love with her, but I no longer want to control her and cause her pain.
That is why I am glad that this site is available. It helps to talk to others and I support everyone here during their time in these circumstances.
(USA) Your comments ring very true to my situation. I have been separated almost three years now. I had an affair 6 years earlier and hurt my wife deeply. After 3 years of occasionally seeing a girl in China on business trips, it ended, but not before the damage was done to my 30 year marriage.
Now she has decided she has had enough and wants a divorce. Our marriage had issues but I think it was good. We grew a business together, produced 2 great sons and have houses in Hawaii and Colorado. We were close but we’re both workaholics and grew apart. I want to try again and mend the hurt. She only gets angrier the harder I try. I have given her a dozen red roses every week for over 2 years. I cook dinners and take care of her house. She wells up tears in her eyes when I try to talk with her about our marriage, but she insists it’s over. She has a whole new circle of friends and rejects all family ties. She is carrying around a lot of hurt and anger. She is dating to look for Mr right.
What you said rings true. If there is going to be a second chance it must come from her. I have exhausted all attempts at reconciling. Marriage counseling was a hate bash against my bad behavior and produced nothing, though I still go every week by myself. She needs time to heal and sort things out. But she is as angry now as three years ago. I fear I will give up and that will end our 36 years of marriage.
You’re right though; it’s in her hands now as she travels this road in her life. I can only wait, pray for our family to reunite, and let God’s plan for us continue. I love her dearly, but if I must let her go so she can find happiness, then I will, though in my heart she will always be my wife. I don’t believe in divorce.
(UNITED STATES) My husband asked me to leave… that we were going to go through a separation and assurred me it was not the end but the beginning. He put me in a rental car, and had me drive 2200 miles back to my moms and was left holding a rock of trying to figure out what I had done wrong for him to make me leave. He only called to keep me holding the rock… said I was not to blame but then accused me of doing the most horrible thing.
I am dropping the rock because I am too exhausted to emotionally carry him and me… and he is really vague about the reason why he made me leave but think I know now… figured it out while I was left holding on to a rock that was never meant for me to hold onto so I’m letting it go and filing for divorce.
My guess would be that infidelity is involved. I could be wrong. I hope I am. But I’ve heard of this type of behavior before and another person has always been involved in some way (whether emotionally, physically, or both). So sorry for the pain you are suffering. May the Lord help, guide and comfort you through this awful ordeal.
(UNITED STATES) My husband says it is because it was for his childrens sake now I am not so sure..if it was another woman ..I don’t know but know he has been with another woman since our separation. The emotional suffering I have had to endure because of this because he refuses to take any real accountability. He says he’s sorry but then he puts me down and tells me how I was responsible for everything.
The rock is on it’s way to busting into irreplacable pieces on the ground..he has blown any ounce of trust we needed to build our relationship on with his dishonesty and I have reason to believe he is having an affair with his co-worker.
This I found out before having to undergo a major surgery. Instead of coming to see me he was out with her. When I confronted him as to why she answered his phone he acted as he was more concerned for her feelings than with mine!
This is something his first wife did to him so I don’t understand why he would treat me with such cruelty. But he wanted his life back with no guilt feelings because he acts as if he has no remorse whatsoever for what he has done to me.
I have no intention of dating for awhile – just need to put this whole nightmare behind me and maybe one day meet the man God truly intended for me to be with…thanks Cindy…many blessings.
(UNITED STATES) I completely dropped the rock and was so exhausted. The divorce went through and now I’m feeling more worse than before. I wanted so much to make a life with a man I fell completely in love with but it is over with now. My advice to anyone considering a separation is to please give love a chance. Do not be afraid to say I am sorry or even talk to a marriage counselor if needed. It is not worth listening to the lie that it may work out because separation is the lie the devil uses to separate a man and wife and put them on a path to divorce.
It has not been easy to work through my feelings of inadequacy and low self esteem as a result of everything. I went through with the divorce because I thought it was what he wanted. Just saying, do not just walk away from a marriage because of hard times. Working it out together is better than throwing in the towel. It was what I wanted, to work things out… but I was asked to leave and there was not much I could do because my ex-husband’s mind and heart was already made up.
I still love him. I just messed up so bad and he cannot see how hurt this has made me. He says he is numb inside and that hurts me more than words can say… that loving and losing the person you know you were meant to be with, yet they brush it off… that really hurts. I’m still processing my emotions and feelings from the divorce. Please keep me in prayer. I know that through this God is using this to bring me closer to Him. Even though my heart is in pain and turmoil I am trusting in God to see me through this and heal my broken heart.
(UNITED STATES) I’ve been with my husband for 10 years and married for 3 years today. I came to the website to find some type of validation for my feelings. I’m broken. When I read this article it made everything I was feeling make sense. I’ve tried hard as can and all that I know to try to make this marriage work. I’m exhausted literally, and I cannot carry the weight anymore.
We have 2 kids together and 2 from our previous relationships. It kills me to know what leaving him will do to our children. Today was our anniversary and he thought it was more important to play basketball until 9 pm with his family than to spend this special day with his wife. Then he had the nerve to say I ruined his day because I decided to leave and take myself out to eat. This was the last straw for me. I’ve dealt with so much. How do I walk away from my marriage?
Joy, I’m so sorry for the pain you are experiencing because of the place your marriage is in right now. I’m not sure if this will help, but to help you in working through this woundedness and possibly to help repair a few things, for your sake and for the sake of your precious kids, I have two books I highly recommend you read. I hope you will get them, work through them and that they will help. They are: The Walk Out Woman: When Your Heart Is Empty and Your Dreams Are Lost (Gray, Alice)
and also, The Worn Out Woman: When Life is Full and Your Spirit is Empty
.
(USA) I completely understand this story. I am recently divorced after a 3.5 year marriage. She left 2 days after Christmas in 2010. I was and still am broken, but working hard on trying to get past it and move on. Sometime after we were married my wife stopped working and a few months after that we were pregnant with our son. I was left with working 60 hour work weeks between 3 jobs to keep a roof over our head, clothes on our backs and food on our table.
My wife wanted to be a stay at home mom with our son which I was perfectly ok with but work weeks grew longer because I was doing everything, cooking, cleaning, wash, food shopping, and giving her the breaks she needed. All that work and never getting a chance to relax and enjoy my son along with a battle with my daughter’s (previous relationship) mother made me so angry that I completely shut down and whatever came out of my mouth wasn’t nice but I never thought about leaving. Just thought I was in a phase that would pass on by.
Well it did when she left. My world was destroyed. All I ever wanted was a family and I lost it. I started therapy right away, mainly to find out what happen to me and to get my family back. Has it helped? Yes. Did she come back? No. She was stuck and still is stuck on that it is all my fault and it seems nothing will change her mind. So when you are burdened with carrying the rock, you focus on holding that rock that you miss everything else.
If there are those who are thinking about leaving with children involved just consider this -If you go through a divorce and get 50% custody you lose out of 50% of your kids. Every other Christmas morning, every other birthday. It has been almost 18 months since she has left and I have missed 9 months of my son’s life. So just make sure you ask yourself, have I really done everything I can do to save my marriage? Just my suggestion.
(USA) With all the pain in my heart, I am ready to let the rock crushes. I am so tired. I have been married for the last five years and my husband constantly neglects us. He does not provide for us and it is killing me. First it was softly, and now I cannot handle it anymore. For the last five years, he worked for two different companies, without a base salary, just under commissions and the money was ever enough, no even enough to pay for gas.
After a while and he got fired for his lack of commitment. During that time my mother in law was not just providing for us, she was taking all the major decisions in our house, constantly in the middle of our marriage, causing a lot of stress and a lot of troubles. She was the head of our family instead of my husband. Everytime that I opened my mouth to complain, the promises of my husband that everything would be all right were the silence of my soul. To try to help, I gave my husband the best of me, full of encouraging words, and of course money that from time to time my family sent, also my jewerly, everything that was into my hands to make his responsabilities less. However, now I can see clearly that I was not helping him. I was supporting his weak pattern… this pattern of expecting that someone else could fix the problem instead of him.
Now, after my mother in law is not into our lives anymore (a battle that caused me more than five years and millions of tears), he has been without a job for more than 8 months. We are behind in our mortgage for more than 3. I am so scared to be kick off with my two kids, with a pile of bills. He has not been paying child support for his previous marriage (almost 6,000) and the list goes on and on.
I just finished my GED and thank God I have the opportunity to go to college to study nursing (everything paid off due scholarship and pell grant). After my husband saw the opportunity in front of me, he wants to go to study nursing too. However, because he cannot apply for a scholarship or a grant (he already has a marketing degree) he wants me to apply for a grant of US $60,000.00 so he could go to college too and to pay for the housing expenses. I am quite sure that if I do it, it is also the perfect excuse for him not to work. I don’t want to make the hole bigger. Please pray for me, I don’t know what to do. Maybe I will drop off my dream to go to college to have a better life for my children and be back into my country. I am exhausted. I am so devastated. I just want to give up.
Brenda, From what I read (both from what you wrote and what I believe I’m reading in between the lines), I believe you AND your husband have had your dreams crushed and are trying to survive in the best way you know how. But in that survival mode, you have gone and are going in different directions. That doesn’t mean that you can’t still get on the same page, but right now, you are approaching matters in different ways.
I’m glad that you did not fall into the spell permanently, as far as allowing your mother in law to continue to control you, financially, or otherwise. That took courage. Whether she meant well or not, she obviously became a controlling person under the circumstances and your husband did the ostrich thing. He hid his head (probably in shame and in defeat) and didn’t face what he should have. Many spouses will do that. They will take the path of least resistance. The strongest among us will not succumb to that. We will eventually take a stand and find a way out –even if it is a tougher road to travel. Some stumble for a time, but then eventually, they stand, all the stronger.
I have a feeling that your husband, while he may have many, many good points about him, is not one who is usually strong in the stands he makes. When he feels beaten down he has a tendency to lay there in defeat rather than keep keeping on (which his lack of being able to make a good living could have contributed to it because most men seem to associate who they are with the job they work and how much they are able to make). You and I may not be able to understand that, because while we can get down at times, we will eventually stand again and continue fighting because we know that’s what we should do. That doesn’t mean that your husband doesn’t have good qualities, but he obviously (at least up to this point) has succumbed to thinking that the only way he can support his family is to allow others to do it for him. That’s sad.
I congratulate you on getting your GED. And I encourage you to not let go of your dream of studying nursing, or whatever it is that you can study for so you can help your family get out of this “gimme” type of existence from relatives and the government. Even if it means that you have to take money in the form of grants and scholarships for a while in order to get to that place, I hope you will consider it. If your husband can go to school too, at the same time, it may give him the push start that he needs. But just make sure that you don’t do anything illegal, in order to make that happen. And if he doesn’t do anything with the opportunity, you are not accountable for that; he is. Just do what you need to do to help your family, but don’t lord it over his head. He just may need some extra help to see the light, through the dark hole that you’ve been living in lately.
I don’t know your husband. I don’t know if he is a perpetual taker, or if that is more of a circumstantial thing lately. But pray for God to help you to do what is right and what will best help your family get on a better financial footing. Don’t be your husband’s judge in all of this. Instead, apply the “duck principle.” It’s something I learned years ago that I’ve applied in my marriage. The “Duck Principle” …no, I’m not talking about the “quack, quack” kind of animal, it’s something you DO in ducking out of the way so God Himself has the opportunity to talk, instead of you. I discovered that as long as I stood over my husband flapping my mouth at him, saying things that I thought he needed to hear (yet he was closing his ears to it) I was standing in the way of what God could do or say to change Steve’s heart over the matter. I needed to pray and then DUCK in how I was posturing myself in my husband’s life. With me out of the way, God had full access to him. It’s amazing how liberating and how wise this is. I’m no longer responsible, God is.
Does this mean that I’m never to talk to my husband and “let God do all the talking instead?” No. But there is a season for everything …as the Bible says there is, “a time to be silent and a time to speak.” The thing is that you and I have to know what season is what. Sometimes you speak and sometimes you allow God to do the talking and you DUCK. Even if the end result isn’t what you think would be best, it does no good to keep investing your energies in something you’re supposed to leave alone and instead trust God for. If changes need to be made on either of your parts, then it’s best to yield to the Lord’s directing instead of yours. After all, He IS God and you are not.
I encourage you to do this, as far as what’s happening with your husband’s unemployment (unless God tells you otherwise). Pray for your husband, duck, and focus on what YOU need to, so you’re headed in a more positive direction. Don’t give up. Stand up and do what needs to be done. Someone needs to be the hero in this family for this season of your life. And even though you are tired, you still need to press on. Pray for added strength. I pray that for you too, and for wisdom, discernment and help. May it be that God blesses you and your family, wakes up your husband, and helps him to do what he should do, as well.
(USA) Cindy, I don’t have enough words to thank you for EVERYTHING! With your words and with your prayers, you are giving me more courage to keep going! With God’s help everything is possible.
My marriage right now is on jeopardy. He left this morning, just after I wrote you asking for help. Certainly, by now, he is with his mama. As I mentioned before, he wants me to sign for the school loan (sorry I typed grant! such a huge difference!) even if my college education is already paid. I don’t want to make the hole bigger, and later I don’t want to be worrying to death, planning where the money will come from. Right now our debt is more than $150K.
I arrived to this marriage without any debt, and later on, oh such a big surprise, he told me the truth about his financial situation. So I don’t want to put my kids on risk. So if he wants to go to school, he will have to find the way to do it. I don’t want to sound selfish, but unfortunately my husband has been “taker” his entire life. I will help him but without putting myself between the sword and the wall. Thank you once again, I will go to college; just pray for me.
Brenda, I’m so sorry for what you are going through and that your husband decided to jump ship. Now that you have clarified that your husband wants you to take out an additional loan (rather than a grant), even though your schooling is paid for, I agree that I would not do this either. He has not shown himself to be fully invested in your marriage and in helping to pay down the debt that is now hanging over your head. I wouldn’t make your debt that much deeper. If he is wanting to come back into your lives, go to school and help the family get into the black again, he will need to reconsider his actions and will do what it takes to make it happen.
Be careful to try to keep his dignity in tact, to the best of your ability and concentrate more on what YOU need to do, rather than what he should be doing –with, or without the help of his “mama.” You are a courageous woman, with good motives, to get your family out of debt, and to make sure that all are taken care of. I have no doubt that as tough as it is to be a mom and go to college with tough studies ahead of you, you will succeed and your children will be proud of you. I hope your husband will be, as well (and that he will man-up and help out). May God bless you in this mission.
(USA) My dear sister, I feel for you because I am in the same boat. My husband has not held an insurance job for about 6 months being paid commissions, it just wasn’t helping. I tried to encourage him to look for something else but this would bring so much tension the house could not contain the both of us. I’m also pursing a career in nursing. You already have a scholarship and you have children. Don’t throw away this dream, he isn’t supporting you and your children. The way I see it, they just have a physical father. You’re indeed the father and mother of those kids.
If you husband wants a loan let him apply for it himself, he should not involve you one bit in this. I decided that not even my husband is going to take away my joy and dreams. All I do is keeping praying for him. At least he is now doing a CNA course and I thank God. Little by little we are moving forward. My only prayer now is for him to respect me and stop looking outside our marriage for ego boasting as he calls it. Keep strong and lets pray for each other. Libby
(KENYA) Dear Brenda, Your story has moved me to respond to you as it is very similar to mine. My husband of 3 years kicked my son and I out of his (family) home 6 months ago after a disagreement. When we first met, he was eager to contribute to the upkeep of the family even though he didn’t earn much. I believed that we could struggle to build our family together and that things would get better if I was patient and supported him. I bore most of the expenses in an effort not to stress him further as his business was struggling. However, after our some was born, my husband became comfortable with my regular salary and gradually reduced his financial contribution to practically zero. After a long while of struggling on my own, I eventually pleaded for his help. He made many promises, apologies, and a few attempts to contribute regularly but sooner or later after seeing that I had calmed down he would slide back into complacency.
As all this was happening, we were living with his family who I had to feed while they did all they could to frustrate me. His mother particularly constantly interfered with our relationship and caused me tonnes of grief. My pleas to my husband to intervene and stand up for me were met with weak responses of ‘I don’t know how to do that.’ I have had to fight all my battles with my in laws (and there are many) by myself. When his mother eventually saw that I would not submit to her control, she and her daughters moved out and then launched an an all-out attack on my reputation, spreading lies to the neighbors about me, interfering with my live in nanny so as to cause her to quit so I would have to skip going to work (as I didn’t have anyone to watch my son as I worked) and so much more.
My husband eventually got to the point where he would spend the food money to buy himself and his friends alcohol and was not remorseful about it. Eventually I think he decided it was too much work to be a man and take care of his responsibilities as father and husband and kicked us out with almost nothing to our names but our clothes, my son’s bed and chest of drawers, kitchen utensils and my books.
My parents were gracious enough to house my son and I and for the first 5 months. I was in so much pain. After crying out to God I started praying for reconciliation and contacted my husband. It would go well for a few days then would degenerate into fights and he has broken the reconciliation process off twice. Recently, during a phase when we were on (sort of) good terms, he asked for a soft loan which I went out of my way to give. After he returned the money (without as much as a thanks you) he proceeded to be very rude to me on the phone. That was the day I decided that I HAD HAD ENOUGH.
Since then I have stopped making contact with him and have accepted raising my son by myself. He has been texting from time to time to inquire about his son, but does not send any financial support for his son, yet he is working. I don’t respond to his texts as I feel it is manipulation and I am so tired of the pain. I daily ask God to heal my heart and take away my pain and bitterness from all this.
But what I want to really tell you is that through it all, God has been very gracious to me. He has not left my son and I alone. My son and I have a comfortable place to stay (at my parents), which provides my son with a loving environment to grow in. I am trusting God to move into our own place in a few months and God has been faithful in providing the finances to start getting the stuff we need for our new home. On top of that, God blessed me with a new job at my dream firm with better pay, and full medical insurance for my son and I. He has also during this separation made it possible for me to purchase a small plot of land, which I hope in the future to sell and it will help to provide for my son and I in the future. What I am trying to say is that your separation did not catch God off guard and his plans for you are for good not for evil! He is in control.
I want to encourage you not to let go of your dream to go to nursing school as you have to ‘keep it together’ for the sake of your children and for your own sanity. What I have learned from my experience is that when dealing with a passive man, the more you step up to the plate to take care of his responsibilities, the more you enable him to be irresponsible, and the more you ‘lose’ yourself. You’re not responsible for his actions, but you should not lose yourself, your dreams and the future of you and your children because your husband won’t take care of his responsibilities.
I pray for you (as I am praying daily for myself) that God will heal our pain and help us to forget the past so that we will not be bitter women. As Cindy said, lets DUCK out of the way so God can deal with our spouses as He only knows best, and so that His will may be accomplished in our lives. Peace and blessings to you my sister. You will overcome!
(LESOTHO) I read this and wept, this is so much like my life. I am a wife who feels so much neglected because of work and many other sports commitments. I pray everyday that God would give me strength and understanding because it seems that is all I live for “UNDERSTANDING” and I hope one day it will be alright.
(UNITED STATES) Hi, I am 20 yrs old and my Husband is 21 yrs old and we have a beautiful baby girl. We been married for a year and nine months but we been together for 3 yrs and four months. He is in the army and has been stressed out due to the fact that he goes to work early in the morning and he is always being told what to do. And then comes back home and sometimes we argue or I tell him to take care of the baby while I do something. I know he is really tired and needs to rest. Sometimes he wants to go out and drink with his friends but I do not want him to go because it’s the only days we could spend time as a family and I am going to admit I kind of get a little scared something might happen while he is drunk and goes to another female.
Now the thing that has me more worried is that he left on 9/23 and said that he needs some space. I asked why and he said that he was arguing with his own self. He wanted to stay but at the same time he wants to go and not come back. I love this man and I want my family to be together. Now it’s just my baby girl and me all alone in this big cold house. He said that this entire time he felt like he was on a leash. But he is willing to go to marriage therapy with me. I just do not know what to do now. I am really scared and want him back home with his family where he belongs. I do not want to lose him. I know we are young and this is why I am looking for someone’s advice. God bless and I’ll be praying for those of you that are going through problems with their marriage.