There should be sacrifice from both sides rather than women demanding and expectation created for us to supply those demands; and women should also try to think of the other better half rather than themselves.

I think the needs should be based on average satisfaction rather than total. I had no Idea that marriage is a difficult thing but we should always remember that it’s been made difficult by the people involved and not necessarily the union of marriage. There should be a lot of understanding, sacrifices, respect, from both sides.

So anyone telling you that it’s biblical to withhold sex because of your emotional state is not correctly sharing the word of God.

1 Corinthians 7:2-6 "But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I say this as a concession, not as a command."

Again, focus on verse 5, where it’s by MUTUAL consent.

So while I understand the feelings aspect of it, resentment is ultimately a decision.

Personally, if resentment was building, I’d stop doing the things that are optional, such as domestic chores. I don’t think the Bible tells us to withhold domestic support, but only for a short time so we or our spouse is not tempted.

Therefore, if you are going to withhold something, I think sex is the WRONG thing to withhold.

After all, if your complaint is about oneness and not feeling connected to your spouse, the last thing you want to do is to withhold the one thing that typically makes a husband feel connected.

So if you are withholding sex and then complaining that you don’t feel connected to your husband, then he’s going to logically say, well of course we are not connected, the greatest means of connecting is being rejected by you.

So I think, based on scripture, any call for UNILATERAL withholding of sex is advising you to disobey the Word of God. In other words, it’s advice to sin.

The man who spoke about this, Dr. Jim Bedel, said it would actually be damaging for the woman to engage in sex when she feels violated. God loves us. He made us who we are for a reason. We must study scripture yes, but make sure it is in context. Be wise in who you seek counsel from.

I have also been married for 4 years, and it is exactly the emotionally distant man. I have sought counseling throughout our entire marriage, and read so many books. I know now that I cannot live with the abuse anymore. God loves me and knows what I can and cannot handle.

I also talked with the pastor of caring ministries from my church who said that women tend to make divorce to be the worst sin, but allow all other sorts of sin to go on in the home. Sure God hates divorce. So do I. It is all the sin that occurs within the home that causes divorce to happen.

I am working on my relationship with God right now and have been separated from my husband for 1 week now. I don’t feel as though God has abandoned me. I am learning His love for me and that He will get me through this. I don’t know what will happen, but I trust God no matter what. I guess I’m venting a bit. But this is my perspective at the moment.

Whenever I have tried to talk to him about the situation, I always try to do it in a very respectable way hoping that he will open up and share his views, but he clams up completely. I even tried to email him my thoughts (15 emails counting), thinking it will be easier for him to open up but he has never replied to any of the emails or verbally acknowledged that he read them and given feedback. Is that someone who really cares about saving a marriage?

Then to top it off, he tries to get intimate with me. I have no more feelings for him at all, and even cringe at his touch. We have not been intimate for the past 2 and a half months. (Yes, I keep count). I have prayed about it so much. I am not trying anymore. I am exhausted. I’ve left it to God. I cry at times when I feel the need to be hugged and cuddled and hubby is not there for me.

PS. I have talked to a few elderly women in church, they tell me withholding sex coz you’re angry is wrong. But how are you expected to get into the mood with all the anger and resentment within you?

I’m afraid this is such a complex issue, that you may or may not find the total reasoning your husband is buying into. But I’ve got a suggestion that MAY help. There’s a great DVD that Pastor Mark Gungor put together (which is part of his “Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage” seminar). It’s called “The Tale of Two Brains: Men’s Brains… Women’s Brains.” It’s GREATLY helped so many women, as well as men better understand each other.

I’m not sure if this is what you need, but it’s sure worth trying. I think it could open your eyes to some things that you may not have realized. If nothing else, you’ll thoroughly enjoy the time you watch the DVD. Mark could be a stand-up comedian. We’ve watched the DVD at least a dozen times (plus we’ve seen him in person several times) and we laugh hysterically each time and are amazed at his wisdom. Learning through laughter is the best way to do it!

He also has a book out by the same title as his seminar (although it’s not as funny), but I would greatly advise you to get the DVD first. You can obtain it by going to his web site at http://www.laughyourway.com. I recommend the whole seminar, but if you only order and view the first of the series, I believe you will be greatly enlightened (and entertained).

We also have other articles on the web site that might enlighten you as well as you pray and read them, asking the Holy Spirit to open your eyes to what you can learn that could help you in some way. I sincerely hope and pray this helps.

UGH……..you have no ideal how many times the above statements, I have thought about and said. It is so very upsetting.
Being lonely is hard for me. I’m trying to understand what is going on with my husband is even harder esp. when he shows no interest in me, chooses not to be involved and lies to me.

A few thoughts come to mind, as I read your comment. Prayerfully consider what I am going to say and do what God tells you (above anything I may say). Being a human “adviser”, treat my advice in light of what God tells you, not above.

The first thought that comes to mind is, why are you putting up with such terrible behavior from your husband? The Bible says in 1 Timothy 5:8, “If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”

If your husband is indeed “born-again” then he is denying “the faith” and is acting “worse than an unbeliever” in the fact that he is abandoning you in how he supports you. You can’t be any more of an “immediate family” than being his wife. According to the Bible, as husband and wife you are to be cleaved together as one and not allow anyone else to “separate” you. If he supports his extended family and neglects you — that is abandoning the provision he is supposed to make for you as his “immediate family” and he is allowing the priority he is making of his family to “separate” you as husband and wife.

The Bible also says in James 1:22, “Do not merely listen to the word and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.” At the very least, your husband is being disobedient to doing what the word tells him to do. Ephesians 5 also tells him to love you “as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” It doesn’t appear that he is “giving himself up” for you. He is making his priorities the ones he follows, period! There is a difference between being charitable and still living up to the proper priorities, and being downright neglectful of taking care of your immediate family first and then being charitable with what is left over.

It also says “Husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.” Let me ask you, is your husband treating you with the same love as he is treating himself? It also says in Ephesians 5, “He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church.” Is your husband feeding and caring for you as Christ would? Is his masturbation and self-pleasuring and cheating on you with others carrying through with caring for you “just as Christ does the church”?

It’s commendable that your husband wants to help his family if they are in such dire need. That shows a good heart deep inside. But if he neglects loving and caring for you in the process, he is being sinful.

You say that you and your husband are “born again.” I don’t personally know his experience, but I wonder if that is true of him because his actions don’t appear to be “transformed” by the love of Christ within. If he is not supporting you financially, or lovingly, and he has cheated on you and practices having sex with himself — neglecting you– living with a son from another relationship instead of living with his wife, I wonder if Christ is really within him.

The scriptures come to mind where Jesus says (as quoted in Matthew 7:21-22), “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord, will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?’ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evil-doers!’”

From what you have written and what I read in the scriptures, I wonder if your husband is really born-again. I’m thinking that you are dealing with an unbeliever — someone like the pharisees that SAY they believe, but they are more religious and go through the motions of doing what they perceive they should do from the outside but in their hearts, they aren’t transformed with Christ.

Again, the question comes to mind: why are you putting up with this behavior from a man who is your husband and marital partner? There isn’t much partnership going on here. If he CAN’T do something, then that is one thing. But if he CHOOSES not to do what he should, then that is a different thing altogether.

I advise you to pray and even fast and pray about this situation, asking God what you can do and say to your husband to help him to wake up and live as he should with you. Do what God tells you in your heart as you pray and make sure you are listening to God and not following outside forces above what lines up scripturally.

I would pray for the right words and lovingly, yet firmly challenge him to make a choice. “Speak the truth in love.” If he wants to live apart from you (or is forced to because of work situations), he still is supposed to put you first as his wife. Jesus is quoted in the Bible as saying (Matthew 19:4-6), “Haven’t you read that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”

This does not only involve being united sexually but in every way — two becoming one. It doesn’t appear that your husband is taking this seriously.

I would talk to my husband after much prayer and gently but firmly tell him (at the right time and setting) that he is being unfaithful in how he is treating me and he needs to make a choice. Either he is IN the marriage, or we live separate lives and don’t pretend to be together in marriage. The choice would be his.

I’m reminded of 1 Corinthians 7 and allowing an unbelieving husband to leave if he chooses to. (He is acting as an unbeliever in his unfaithfulness on so many levels.)

But I would do all of this in a very careful, prayerful, humble manner. Galatians 6:1-5 says, “If someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own load.”

So if God leads you to do this, make sure that you don’t carry your husband’s example of being arrogant. If you are called to do this, “restore him gently”, “watch yourself, or you also may be tempted.” I pray this helps Natukunda. I pray the Lord ministers to your heart and helps you to do what you need to do so that you are able to bring resolution and peace to this situation.

We married in church. He does not stay with us. He stays in another region. I am so frustrated. We are both born again but he is not bothered. We recently started counselling but he is not changing. He does not even call to see how we are. I am tired and am considering separation and divorce because it has been going for 3 years.

He has a son. I found him with him and he takes good care of him. Actually he stays with him. Where are we as his family? I need advice/help urgently, because I am really tired. I have to make a decision before this ends.

He cheated on me with someone else and practices masturbation. He so disgusting. When u tell him to seek for deliverance he is just arrogant saying that he does not need it.

Another thing to think about is the issue of respect in the marriage. I think this is a BIG thing. A woman respects a husband who is doing his best to be a good father and provider. But she will absolutely not respect him if he doesn’t respect her, regardless of how well he does in other areas. If he doesn’t trust her, or value her opinion…why should she respect him? Instead she will feel like there is no trust in her intelligence and why should she do this at all?

My former wife was invited into every room in my life. I BEGGED her to join me, to be a part of my life. Instead, she wanted to give all of her energy to the children, and then, like a slap in the face, instead of being with me, she chose to have an affair.

Seems like the blame is once again being placed on men.

I thought marriage was about what you gave, and not about what you get. So while I buy Dr Harley’s theories about the Love Bank, I spent thousands with him in counseling trying to win my unfaithful former wife back to the marriage without success.

So what Dr Harley says here is only half the story. Because while the woman has this perception that her husband didn’t invite her to be part of ALL of his life, I suspect the reality in many, if not most cases is that she STAYED out of those areas, or tried to tell him that she doesn’t belong there.

What of the faithful (but clueless) husband who finally gets it, and she refuses to hear him, has her affair, etc?

I think if you combine this willful unwillingness to listen or to try on the part of the wife, with the likely indirect messages she’s been sending to him for years you have the makings of a marital disaster, and not just because of the clueless man.

As Dr Harley says, these marriages don’t involve abuse or infidelity. They involve a woman who doesn’t feel she’s invited in. While I don’t deny she feels these things, look at how many times our feelings deceive us. How many have told you they don’t feel loved by God?

Goodness, if someone doesn’t feel loved by God, how will they ever feel loved by another human being? So while they may have those feelings, In many/most cases I don’t think it’s due to a failure of their spouse.

But I don’t think her feelings, even if they have a concrete basis in his refusing to invite her into those rooms is a valid ground for choosing divorce, let alone choosing to have an affair.

In many of Dr Harley’s other writings, he equates affairs with the rape of a spouse. Yet this is not addressed here.

Again, the man is bad in the tacit message here, but nothing is said about how if she chooses to have an affair to have her emotional needs met, that she has abused her husband in a nuclear fashion, compared to the abuse known as emotional neglect. Choosing an affair is far and away far more hurtful and damaging to the marriage when compared to his neglect.

I’m not saying he should keep his wife out of all the rooms of his life. He shouldn’t. But let’s not assume that just because a wife is invited in, that she’ll go running into the room. Many times she won’t and STILL blame her husband for how she feels.

So I’d call the men clueless, or focused on the wrong things. I know I was. If you would have asked me, I would have said, I’m at home every night, even changed jobs so I could be home like she asked, and then she didn’t want to be with me. I made a good living, so she could be a stay at home mom, drove the kids to school and to doctors appointment or soccer practice, etc. And when I asked her how things were going, how we were, the answer was ALWAYS "fine!."

I’d say probably 9 out of 10 men who had unfaithful wives have a similar story. We have our head down, working for the family, checking with our wives and hearing the "fine." Then BAM! She’s unhappy, wants to find herself (which is code for I’m looking for myself in another man’s bed) it was a mistake to marry you, etc.

Then you go to your church, ask them to assist in getting the marriage back on track, and they blame YOU for her affair. "What did you do to cause her to have an affair?" — Nothing, people choose and are responsible for their own behavior.

"Did you beat her?" — Nope, didn’t even yell at her, even when I found out about the affair.

"Well, you must have done something wrong?" — I’m sure she has valid complaints about the marriage, none of them justify an affair, do they?

What about church discipline, you know, Matthew 18?

"We don’t do that, it doesn’t work." — It’s in the Bible, we are to try to resolve differences by first going to the alleged sinning party, and then take a few witnesses if they don’t respond and finally bring the matter before the church.

"We don’t do that, it doesn’t work."

So what’s a Godly man supposed to do when his wife’s sin, such as choosing an affair, or choosing to divorce because she feels neglected goes unchallenged by those who have set themselves up as the pro-family beacon in our society?

Yes, let us call sin a sin wherever it rears its ugly head, but enough with the loop holes and misinterpretations. We must hold ourselves responsible for what we do and not write it off as a mistake or a pass in judgment. God can restore our lives, especially in a damaged marriage, but if we do it His way and "not lean on our own understanding". Marriage is one of the most important promises we make towards God, and it is for a lifetime here on earth. I pray that the Church will be better examples, accountable to God, and stop the upward trend of divorce and begin an upward trend towards reconciliation and restoration.