Why Won’t He/She Talk To Me?
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There was no hope in his eyes as he faced me. “She walked out on me,” he said. “She just called me at work one day and said, ‘I’ve had it. I’m leaving.’” He tried to control the tremor around his mouth. “I realize now that much of it was my fault. I guess she tried to tell me. …”
As I listened, I realized the truth of what he’d said. She had tried to tell him. When their son was born, she hadn’t wanted to go back to work immediately, but he pressured her, telling her that they needed her income. She nagged some and later grew severely depressed, but he didn’t think her depression had anything to do with him or with being away from their son.
Actually, that wife had pushed every button she had available to make him listen to her pain and anger. But he was oblivious to her inner cries. He worked two jobs so he wasn’t home much—but more importantly, even when he was home, he failed her emotionally.
Somewhere in time, she decided that the pain of divorce was more bearable than the hurt of being in the same house when they were emotionally at opposite ends of the earth. So she walked out. What she did wasn’t right, but I can understand it. It was probably a last desperate attempt to get her husband’s attention. She got it, all right, but it came too late.
I wonder how many broken relationships are due to a similar scenario. I wonder how many men are in the process this very moment of distancing their wives by failing to understand their needs—the need to be listened to, to have feelings and emotions validated by their husband’s concentrated attention and understanding.
It’s not that men don’t need emotional support and intimacy—they do, of course. I know some men who have as great a need for relating on an emotional, feeling, subjective level as any woman. They are often the counselors, those others turn to when in trouble, the pastor-shepherds. But as my wife Carole and I have listened to couples, we find that in the average marriage, it’s generally a matter of degree. And the women’s need usually seems greater. It is she who most often longs for soul-to-soul communication and who feels like she never quite has that desire met by her spouse.
This incident appeared in a recent article [in Readers Digest Magazine, "Why Husbands Won't Talk"]:
Judy, an artist, was worried abut preparations for an exhibition, and started to tell Cliff, her husband. She wanted his support and sympathy.
Instead, Cliff fired off instructions: “One, get all the artists together. Two, call your accountant—the expenses may be deductible. Three, check with the bank to see how much money you have. Four, contact the P.R. people.”
Judy felt rejected, and thought to herself: “Cliff doesn’t care how I feel. He just wants to get me off his back.”
Cliff believed he was being supportive-he had given her his best advice. But Judy was seeking emotional rapport, not problem solving.
Carole and I can relate to that! I have had to work on intimacy in communication all of our married life. It probably has to do with me being that logical, factual, objective kind of guy. I have to admit that by nature, I am a concealer of my feelings. In fact, if one side of a scale represented the ability to express feelings and the other side represented the need to conceal those feelings, Carole and I would probably balance the scales pretty well.
According to most marriage counselors, concealment is more often a trait in men, and it stems from various factors such as background, cultural expectations, perceptions of manliness, and personality. This tendency to conceal has drastic implications. James Collier says that most men think it unmanly even to admit that they have a problem—much less request aid:
Men in America feel that they ought to be able to deal with anything that comes along, and it’s an admission of failure if they’re having trouble. Some men would rather fail at their marriage or with their children than admit that something is wrong and seek a solution.
… Says marriage specialist Goldstein: “Men aren’t supposed to have sensitive, warm feelings or feelings of tenderness for the people around them—much less express them.” It is like the story of the old Vermont farmer 40 years married, who said, “I love Sarah Jane so much that sometimes it’s all I can do to keep from telling her.”
Communication patters: Spell them d-i-f-f-e-r-e-n-t.
• They’re different in the number of and reasons for questions. A revealer is often full of questions and sees them as a way to maintain a conversation, thinking “If I don’t ask the other person won’t know that I care.” Questions represent intimacy and caring.
But not to a concealer! Now questions can represent meddling. The concealer may be thinking, “Oh, no, you don’t! You can’t pry that information out of me. If I want to tell you something, I’ll tell you—without all your questions.”
• They’re different, too, in the nature of responses to communication. A revealer may use encouraging sounds such as “uh-huh” and “hmmm” to encourage the other person —and then feel ignored because the concealer utters so few of these acknowledging sounds. When I listen silently, Carole sometimes asks, “Honey, are you there?”
They’re different in the use of what some call “oneness” words such as you and we. A revealer may use many more of such words, as well as conversational bridges such as “Please go on —would you give me another example? …”
Can you identify yourself? As I’ve said, I tend to be the concealer, and—being logical as well—I have to say that often, logical men have logical reasons for concealment! I read of a group of men who were asked their reasons for not talking. Several of them gave fairly logical reason, such as simply not being in a talkative mood, or being tired and not wanting to expend energy talking, even wanting to protect the wife when she was tired and agitated and her emotional tank was near “empty.”
But others in the group answered in ways that indicated their concealment should not be accepted at face value. Listen to these reasons some men gave:
(1) Silence helps me avoid differences of opinion. I grew up in a family that rarely expressed strong feelings. So talking is tough, especially when I know what I have to say isn’t what my wife wants to hear.
(2) Silence protects me. Sometimes I don’t want to talk to my wife about certain things because I’m afraid she will use them against me.
(3) Silence maintains a balance of attachment and freedom that feels comfortable in our relationship. Sometimes I need closeness, but other times I need distance. I’m most content with our marriage when there’s a natural ebb and flow in our interaction.
(4) Silence precludes heated explosions. If I don’t shoot off words, I’m less likely to catch crossfire or have to pick up debris when the battle ceases.
(5) When something is bothering me, I don’t talk because my wife tends to overreact and make matters worse. The last thing I want is someone bouncing off the walls in anger or else sniveling about it.
Did you notice a similarity in these five reasons for silence? It would appear that most of these reasons are based on self protection or comfort, not on the intimacy of the marriage or the needs of the wife.
Now of course there are times when silence is good. But to constantly conceal our feelings is bound to stifle the intimacy and closeness that our marriages demand (and most wives need) in order for us to become truly one.
One counselor puts it this way: Wives think, “The marriage is working as long as we can talk about it.” Husbands think, “The relationship is not working if we have to keep talking about it.”
So we’re different. So one of us doesn’t talk much about feelings, and the other shares freely. Can anything be done? Family counselor Norm Wright says,
A woman does not have to resign herself to living with an un-expressive male. Becoming fatalistic is not the answer, and I’m not talking about divorcing him either. Don’t listen if someone tells you “Don’t be so concerned about men not expressing their feelings. That’s just the way they are!” Men may tend to be that way, but they can change. Challenges or reproaches do not work. Carefully worded invitations can work.
Men do respond initially to questions which elicit factual responses. It’s easier for a man to tell his wife what he does at work than how he feels about it. He can tell her how he did at events or school when he was growing up easier than how he feels about what he did. But starting with the facts is an introduction to the feelings.
But the revealer must be cautioned: Mr. Wright also says that a man may finally open up to a woman only to find that what he reveals is discounted, shared with others, disbelieved, ridiculed, rejected, and even laughed at. Remember: safety, acceptance, and support are essential if a man is going to let down the bridge from his castle. He wants what he shares to be used for his welfare, not against him. Trust is a major issue.
The above article comes from the great book, Opposites Attack, by Jack and Carole Mayhall, published by NavPress. This book is aimed at turning your differences into opportunities and helping polar opposites turn into the best of friends. As they often say, “different doesn’t mean wrong — it just means different in the way you approach life. This is such a practical book and really gives a lot of helpful insights into how to get along better with each other. What’s great about it is the fact that Jack and Carole take their own differences and their own opposite ways of approaching life and help you to see, as you look into their lives, how you can turn your diversity around to HELP your marriage rather than hurt it. We HIGHLY recommend this book!
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(USA) I walked out on my husband for most of the same reasons that are posted on here. And after I built this wall to keep myself safe from him and all my feelings for him have died, now he wants me. So can a dead marriage be reborn? How do I get my feelings back for him? I have moved on. Now he sees the pain he caused me… but it is too late! I now see his pain, but feel nothing!!!
(USA) You can’t live by your feelings, especially in marriage. Behave they way you would IF the feeling were already there. Feelings will follow the behavior.
(USA) I agree, feelings are often selfish. If we put our feelings above the feelings of our spouse, then that’s not marriage. If we put our spouses feelings above our own, then that’s more like the model of marriage the Bible teaches. If your feelings are leading you to sin, such as to divorce a spouse who is neither abusive, nor adulterous, then your feelings are not Godly, but selfish. We all cause one another pain. I’ve yet to see a scripture that says if you feel bad, get a divorce.
How many of your feelings are from his actual actions and how many are from your stewing over the matter and working yourself into a lather about it? Given that you said you built the wall, I suspect the latter since he was walled out. How can you blame him for your feelings when you admitted you had him walled off? Those feeling couldn’t have come from him, they are from you.
(US) Satan can play some pretty ugly, covert passive aggressive games utilizing men dominating a woman under the disguise of servant- leadership. Satan loves to help man to NOT meet the desires of a woman’s heart, and turn and blame her for the hurt she feels, and the distance she needs, from the devil in him. And many people do the doubleturn and rend the woman on top of all that pain, and do not believe the man is capable of such!!!!!- remember that the flesh hates the woman!!
Absolutely, your marriage can be reborn! Here’s why: Your may believe your marriage is dead; but it isn’t dead in God’s eyes. It never was; and it never will be. Biblically, God actually hates divorce. So, in his eyes, it’s a very prideful step for one (a couple) to take.
I would like to recommend that you (and your husband) attend a wonderful conference called, “Weekend to Remember”. It is put on by FamilyLife (a division of Campus Crusade for Christ). My wife and I attended this conference and I believe it was the turning point in saving our marriage. Their site has all the info you need on locations where the conferences are offered and registration info: http://www.familylife.com/conferences/marriage.asp
The conference is scripturally-based (tho’ not heavy-handed) and designed for couples at any stage of their relationship: married (happily, just want a booster, or troubled), pre-married (engaged and want to know how to approach their marriage scripturally-correctly head-on), and divorced. Some folks are “repeaters” because they benefited so much in the past. Some re-attend on their anniversary. And there are definitely divorced couples in the audience.
There is something cathartic, beneficial, and energizing about knowing that there are 250 couples in the room, no matter what their background, or what their history, they are ALL there–including you–for the same reason: to have a godly, loving, giving, and fulfilling marriage. In addition to the conferences, the FamilyLife website offers a variety of helpful resources, articles, publications, etc. Don’t give up on your marriage. God hasn’t given up on your marriage, your husband, or you!
(USA) I’ve been married for almost 30 years, to the same man. We did have a divorce for some of it, but have only been apart for 1 year. I do tend to wear my heart on my shoulder. I confront issues, so that I might fix them right away. He’s fine with the everyday stuff and only talking about fun, games, superficial stuff. I on the other hand, need to talk about our marriage problems. He calls these conversations, confrontational and me being mad at him "all the time".
This started quite a few years ago, and as I look in the mirror now, I realize that yes over the last couple of years, I am mad at him "all the time". I try and explain that it’s because he’s pulled out of our marriage and he won’t talk to me about the problems. His usual response is to say something about what I need to change and then goes to bed. If I wait for him to initiate the conversation, well let’s just say it’s been almost a week now, and we’ve barely spoken 10 full sentences to each other.
He hasn’t wanted to have sex with me for over 2 yrs. He doesn’t clean up after himself, he doesn’t take a shower unless he’s going to work. He pack rats to the point of the neighbors complaining. I do feel as though I’ve nagged the marriage to it’s doom. But I also feel that if he would have just listened to ONE of my griefs and tried with me to fix it, we could have worked this out. Now, I don’t know.
I have vowed to myself, not to ask anything from him, get angry with him, start a conversation other than a superficial one, or be emotional around him. The only thing this seems to be doing though, is let the rift between us get bigger and bigger. I do not even know how I feel about him anymore. When I think about leaving, I feel sad and remorseful. I feel very sick to my stomach when having to admit to myself that I’m the one that caused all of the problems in the marriage. I feel this way because he’s always got a good reason for the things he does. Wow – confused.
(USA) I’m an Hispanic Christian woman married with a Jewish man for 15 years, and with only one year of peace in my marriage. In that first year I got pregnant and had a child, just a couple of weeks before my husband got seriously ill. The first year of my daughter’s life I was taking care of my sick husband, while learning how to be a mom, and with no family around to help. Sure it was a very difficult time, but I survived! I feel very comfortable with myself for everything that I did for my husband while he was sick, and the years after. However, even when I never did anything expecting something back from him, I feel very resentful for the treatment that I had received.
With the exception of the first year, my husband had been emotionally cold and indifferent towards me. He had emotionally abandoned and rejected me. Every time I talk to him about it, he verbally affirms his love for me, however his actions do not show it. After three different marriage counselors, two Family Life Weekends, seven years married, and no positive changes, I decided to get separated.
Two years later I made the mistake of going back with him. He did not learn or change anything (he wanted me to believe him when he cried on the phone). He didn’t even appreciate that I was back. After we got back together he has been more cold, indifferent, manipulative, and controlling than ever before. He cares so much about money and about being a materially good provider that he has completely ignored other things that are also very important for the family. He is never around. He is a "workaholic" and when he is around, he traps himself in his own world (baseball, investment analysis, and more work from his work computer).
He doesn’t talk, make conversations, or share anything unless he’s asked to. He doesn’t do anything to express a sign of love unless he wants to be in bed. The main reason for me getting back with him, was my daughter. I didn’t wanted to hurt her feelings. She could not understand her father’s problems and felt sad when he cried with her on the phone. Recently we tried again to go for counseling (this time with a spiritual counselor), but nothing changed. I’m really fed up with this man’s behavior. The worst part of all of this is that our problems emotionally affected me to the point that it took my health away…and still he doesn’t get it!
I’m trying to find some peace (in addition to reading books about the topic, including the Bible). I’m just asking God to please help me to deal with my daughter’s feelings and send this man to walk in a direction different than mine.
I’ve already tried everything that I could, to find a solution to my life, but nothing has happened. I feel like my heart is pinched between my daughter’s feelings, and my husband feelings, and it’s very hurtful, since my feelings for him have changed. If you think that there is something that has not been done, please pray!
(ZAMBIA) Hello, Gloria. I know exactly what you are going through. But please don’t give up hope. I was in the same boat, and as for me, I ended up having solace from a male friend which almost developed into a physical affair.
As luck would have it, this lady called Anne, from Canada, advised me to read comments from http://www.marriagemissions.com/Power of a praying wife. Also I got advice from LT, Cindy Wright and a lot of praying wives.
I read through and I have been praying for my husband who could not compliment or pay attention to me. But I am seeing some change in him. There are a lot of women trying to make their marriages work by praying for their spouses. It is not an easy road, but God will make a way for you. Trust him.
(USA) Oh my, Gloria, I think we must be experiencing the same marriage! My marriage has been marked by nothing but the cold, heartless behavior you have described. My husband will literally go for weeks without speaking a word to me, and then suddenly expect sex. This type of behavior is so cruel, and I resent him, even though I try so hard not to. I pray that his behavior will change, but it seems that even when I see a slight improvement, pretty soon, he is back to his old ways. I do everything I can to be a godly wife, but it makes no difference to him. He controls me totally –he earns excellent money, but allows me access to none of it, even for necessities. My only joy is my faith in the Lord, and my children.
(USA) Please pray for my husband to be convicted of how he has been with me, and that he will leave the legalistic and sexist church that advises him to NOT pursue me.
(US) He must be Southern Baptist!!!!
(USA) I have been married less than a year and half and am already separated from my spouse who is a minister. I am a new Christian, 2 years to date. While trying to understand these trials I am going through, I am believing in the scripture "testing of your faith worketh patience". I have really sacrificed my emotions and finances but my husband seems detached emotionally and ungrateful. I often desire his support but I feel rejected and unappreciated and not cherished. When I try and tell him how I feel he gets upset with me and constantly accuses me of saying things like his first wife or doing something like his first wife did, along with his insults and ridicule.
I will ask him what I am doing or saying but I never get a response except I don’t want to talk about it right now, or my head hurts; I am too tried. I have even gotten so frustrated that I hit him. He told me how he can’t trust me then left me without trying to figure out the problem on top of leaving me with all the bills. This is the second time he has left for minor things with a lot of responsibility for me to figure out. Now my credit is going bad, my heart is broken and I am left with confusion.
I have completely bent over backwards asking for forgiveness but he constantly goes back to past experiences. I am ready to move forward and enjoy marriage the way it should be but it seems he is in some sort of bondage that he chooses not to face. He would rather blame me than confront the issues. I fasted weekly, pray constantly and anointed my apartment but it feels like I am still under attack. My husband went all the way to Atlanta so we can’t try and mend anything, and I don’t feel as though I deserve his treatment. I am seeking spiritual counseling as we speak to make sure I am not missing anything that I am doing wrong or to correct want I am not doing. When I read the inserts, women are confessing the same type of problems from men. Why can’t they see what they are doing to the woman and their homes? Lord, help the men of this world!
(UNITED STATES) Hi, my husband stopped paying the mortgage then he left me. Now he won’t even talk to me. When I called him he asked me what do I want him to tell me. I called to ask him if he wants a divorce. He never says anything. Our home is in foreclosure. We are both trying to save it, but I am confused. Does he still want the marriage or is he buying time to get his stuff in order so I won’t come after his assets?
(USA) I am now married for six years, but lately our relationship collapsed a bit because of my husband cheating. What should I do? My husband often had lies when he communicates with her. Will he change?
(USA) What you experienced today is very similar to what I was experiencing. But during these two days we did not communicate, because every time I call or sms he never answered or returned. I am confused by my situation as well, especially since I do not have a family here. All my family is overseas. I’m just here with my daughter. Dear, please advise. Thanks
(US) Sounds like a controller for his own welfare. What happened? Curious.
(USA) Thanks God for this site where I can identify my feelings toward my husband to other wives. I ask God for the courage to do what’s right for my children, myself and even him.
(USA) I have been married for almost ten years in October. I have been yelling at the kids and at her and she has asked me more than once to go get help. I do it for a couple times and feel I don’t need it anymore so I stop going. She says she hasn’t been happy for years now. She has given me chances at trying to fix me. Then she says she loves me, is in love with me and is attracted to me and I’m the same to her. She is the love of my love I want to spend the rest of it with her and the 3 kids we have. But the only thing is she told me I need to leave and give her space to figure this out cuz she doesn’t think it’s gonna change that it will go back like it was.
I got dianosed with a depression order and am going to counseling and want to keep going for me and then my family, to be together. She says she can’t live like this anymore but I can’t seem to give her the space she needs. I’m pushing her away. I don’t want that at all. I want our marriage to work. So does anyone have any really good advice on what and how I should go about this? I’m trying my hardest. Thanks.