There was no hope in his eyes as he faced me. “She walked out on me,” he said. “She just called me at work one day and said, ‘I’ve had it. I’m leaving.’” He tried to control the tremor around his mouth. “I realize now that much of it was my fault. I guess she tried to tell me. …”
As I listened, I realized the truth of what he’d said. She had tried to tell him. When their son was born, she hadn’t wanted to go back to work immediately, but he pressured her, telling her that they needed her income. She nagged some and later grew severely depressed, but he didn’t think her depression had anything to do with him or with being away from their son.
Actually, that wife had pushed every button she had available to make him listen to her pain and anger. But he was oblivious to her inner cries. He worked two jobs so he wasn’t home much—but more importantly, even when he was home, he failed her emotionally.
Somewhere in time, she decided that the pain of divorce was more bearable than the hurt of being in the same house when they were emotionally at opposite ends of the earth. So she walked out. What she did wasn’t right, but I can understand it. It was probably a last desperate attempt to get her husband’s attention. She got it, all right, but it came too late.
I wonder how many broken relationships are due to a similar scenario. I wonder how many men are in the process this very moment of distancing their wives by failing to understand their needs—the need to be listened to, to have feelings and emotions validated by their husband’s concentrated attention and understanding.
It’s not that men don’t need emotional support and intimacy—they do, of course. I know some men who have as great a need for relating on an emotional, feeling, subjective level as any woman. They are often the counselors, those others turn to when in trouble, the pastor-shepherds. But as my wife Carole and I have listened to couples, we find that in the average marriage, it’s generally a matter of degree. And the women’s need usually seems greater. It is she who most often longs for soul-to-soul communication and who feels like she never quite has that desire met by her spouse.
This incident appeared in a recent article [in Readers Digest Magazine, "Why Husbands Won't Talk"]:
Judy, an artist, was worried abut preparations for an exhibition, and started to tell Cliff, her husband. She wanted his support and sympathy.
Instead, Cliff fired off instructions: “One, get all the artists together. Two, call your accountant—the expenses may be deductible. Three, check with the bank to see how much money you have. Four, contact the P.R. people.”
Judy felt rejected, and thought to herself: “Cliff doesn’t care how I feel. He just wants to get me off his back.”
Cliff believed he was being supportive-he had given her his best advice. But Judy was seeking emotional rapport, not problem solving.
Carole and I can relate to that! I have had to work on intimacy in communication all of our married life. It probably has to do with me being that logical, factual, objective kind of guy. I have to admit that by nature, I am a concealer of my feelings. In fact, if one side of a scale represented the ability to express feelings and the other side represented the need to conceal those feelings, Carole and I would probably balance the scales pretty well.
According to most marriage counselors, concealment is more often a trait in men, and it stems from various factors such as background, cultural expectations, perceptions of manliness, and personality. This tendency to conceal has drastic implications. James Collier says that most men think it unmanly even to admit that they have a problem—much less request aid:
Men in America feel that they ought to be able to deal with anything that comes along, and it’s an admission of failure if they’re having trouble. Some men would rather fail at their marriage or with their children than admit that something is wrong and seek a solution.
… Says marriage specialist Goldstein: “Men aren’t supposed to have sensitive, warm feelings or feelings of tenderness for the people around them—much less express them.” It is like the story of the old Vermont farmer 40 years married, who said, “I love Sarah Jane so much that sometimes it’s all I can do to keep from telling her.”
Communication patters: Spell them d-i-f-f-e-r-e-n-t.
• They’re different in the number of and reasons for questions. A revealer is often full of questions and sees them as a way to maintain a conversation, thinking “If I don’t ask the other person won’t know that I care.” Questions represent intimacy and caring.
But not to a concealer! Now questions can represent meddling. The concealer may be thinking, “Oh, no, you don’t! You can’t pry that information out of me. If I want to tell you something, I’ll tell you—without all your questions.”
• They’re different, too, in the nature of responses to communication. A revealer may use encouraging sounds such as “uh-huh” and “hmmm” to encourage the other person —and then feel ignored because the concealer utters so few of these acknowledging sounds. When I listen silently, Carole sometimes asks, “Honey, are you there?”
They’re different in the use of what some call “oneness” words such as you and we. A revealer may use many more of such words, as well as conversational bridges such as “Please go on —would you give me another example? …”
Can you identify yourself? As I’ve said, I tend to be the concealer, and—being logical as well—I have to say that often, logical men have logical reasons for concealment! I read of a group of men who were asked their reasons for not talking. Several of them gave fairly logical reason, such as simply not being in a talkative mood, or being tired and not wanting to expend energy talking, even wanting to protect the wife when she was tired and agitated and her emotional tank was near “empty.”
But others in the group answered in ways that indicated their concealment should not be accepted at face value. Listen to these reasons some men gave:
(1) Silence helps me avoid differences of opinion. I grew up in a family that rarely expressed strong feelings. So talking is tough, especially when I know what I have to say isn’t what my wife wants to hear.
(2) Silence protects me. Sometimes I don’t want to talk to my wife about certain things because I’m afraid she will use them against me.
(3) Silence maintains a balance of attachment and freedom that feels comfortable in our relationship. Sometimes I need closeness, but other times I need distance. I’m most content with our marriage when there’s a natural ebb and flow in our interaction.
(4) Silence precludes heated explosions. If I don’t shoot off words, I’m less likely to catch crossfire or have to pick up debris when the battle ceases.
(5) When something is bothering me, I don’t talk because my wife tends to overreact and make matters worse. The last thing I want is someone bouncing off the walls in anger or else sniveling about it.
Did you notice a similarity in these five reasons for silence? It would appear that most of these reasons are based on self protection or comfort, not on the intimacy of the marriage or the needs of the wife.
Now of course there are times when silence is good. But to constantly conceal our feelings is bound to stifle the intimacy and closeness that our marriages demand (and most wives need) in order for us to become truly one.
One counselor puts it this way: Wives think, “The marriage is working as long as we can talk about it.” Husbands think, “The relationship is not working if we have to keep talking about it.”
So we’re different. So one of us doesn’t talk much about feelings, and the other shares freely. Can anything be done? Family counselor Norm Wright says,
A woman does not have to resign herself to living with an un-expressive male. Becoming fatalistic is not the answer, and I’m not talking about divorcing him either. Don’t listen if someone tells you “Don’t be so concerned about men not expressing their feelings. That’s just the way they are!” Men may tend to be that way, but they can change. Challenges or reproaches do not work. Carefully worded invitations can work.
Men do respond initially to questions which elicit factual responses. It’s easier for a man to tell his wife what he does at work than how he feels about it. He can tell her how he did at events or school when he was growing up easier than how he feels about what he did. But starting with the facts is an introduction to the feelings.
But the revealer must be cautioned: Mr. Wright also says that a man may finally open up to a woman only to find that what he reveals is discounted, shared with others, disbelieved, ridiculed, rejected, and even laughed at. Remember: safety, acceptance, and support are essential if a man is going to let down the bridge from his castle. He wants what he shares to be used for his welfare, not against him. Trust is a major issue.
The above article comes from the great book, Opposites Attack, by Jack and Carole Mayhall, published by NavPress, www.navpress.com. This book is aimed at turning your differences into opportunities and helping polar opposites turn into the best of friends. As they often say, “different doesn’t mean wrong — it just means different in the way you approach life. This is such a practical book and really gives a lot of helpful insights into how to get along better with each other. What’s great about it is the fact that Jack and Carole take their own differences and their own opposite ways of approaching life and help you to see, as you look into their lives, how you can turn your diversity around to HELP your marriage rather than hurt it. We HIGHLY recommend this book!
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(FIJI) I have read the article and all the comments after and relate with all the women sharing on this page. I have now been married for 7 years and have children. I blame this silent attitude to how our Society raises its boys into men. In our culture they are little Princes and become Kings when they get married!!!
Problems are to be dealt with the States man … guess who that is… the wife!!! They would suddenly have selective hearing, and not really listen to what you were telling them!!! Or they would spend more time with their friends, but you know something was bothering him … then you get angry and frustrated coz you are coping with his brooding, the dinner, the kids, work and homework (kids) and trying to plan for tomorrow!!!
I guess I was lucky God provided me with a better job and literally planted me where my mum is there to help me out!!! Every day I thank the Lord Almighty for her life… If it weren’t for her giving me advice and showing me that God and love needs to be the centre of any family, I would have been a single mum by now!!! Especially with my short temper and impatience!!!
(UNITED KINGDOM) I had been married 26 years, having met 10 years earlier. My husband started his affair 4 yrs ago. I found out 3 yrs back only, 2 of which we stayed together with him living a double life and lying about it when caught. I finally took a stand and kicked him out.
He got moved to work in Dubai, but decided on a complete silent treatment with me. We have 2 sons 21 and 16. He contacts them barely once a week and refuses to bring me up acting as if I ceased to exist. He comes to London and avoids me totally, staying in a hotel.
His girlfriend lives in Paris and is half his age, totally uneducated. When I email him for finances, he responds quickly and generously but does not want to face me. Am I to assume he is waiting for me to be fed up and initiate the divorce procedures? His lack of interest tells me he hates me, yet what stops him from divorcing from Dubai?
(USA) How sad to read all of these stories where the women blame the men. For once, I would like to hear someone admit that their marital problems might– just might have something to do with them also. There are two persons in a marriage. I am married to a woman who is emotionally distant. I feel like our emotional roles are reversed. For some years, I have noticed her growing distant from me. I tried several times to communicate with her about it, but she always gets angry and tells me I am blaming her. So, I stepped back and thought maybe she is right and then I try to be sweet to her. I bought her jewelry, pretty things and I even occasionally write her a poem. She speaks words that seem grateful but nothing changes in her emotional distance from me.
I have become convinced that she is no longer interested in me in the way that I want to be interested in her. It has taken me a long time to finally realize this. Words are words and deeds are deeds. She tells me she loves me and wants to work on our marriage, but after a week or so, she is emotionally distant from me again. I feel very vulnerable because, as a man, it has taken a lot for me to put my emotions on the line. I feel as if she has no respect for me and I fear that our marriage will end in divorce. I am so sad about it. I will try again to give her unconditional love. I may even succeed. I do not feel that she cares to do the same for me and that crushes me inside. I love her so much. Unrequited love is a tough thing to come to terms with. I will continue to pray.
And you thought you had problems. :-\
(USA) My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly three years and lived together for one year now. Why won’t he talk to me? I am tired of trying to guess what I’ve done wrong and I am crying all the time. I’m in front of him on my knees begging him to talk to me… tell me what’s wrong… why he’s so distant… and nothing. He HAS to see how much I’m hurting but he doesn’t seem to care. Yet he cares to ask if I’m coming to bed… or why I was up so late… I don’t understand.
He sleeps as far to the other side of the bed as he can when I get in… yet in the morning he seems to think all is ok. He kisses my cheek and says have a nice day when he leaves for work and tells me he loves me. Then the day goes the exact same way again. When do I give up? How much longer do I keep thinking he’s gonna talk? This has been going on for more than a week now???
(US) My husband and I have been married (childless) for 4 years. He was in prison for 20 months of that. After all we’ve been through (I cheated on him while he was locked up, he cheated on me after he got home), I can’t talk to him anymore. It just seems there’s nothing left to say, nothing to talk about.
I had badgered him at the beginning of our marriage to open up about his feelings and talk to me, which eventually he has done. Well, according to him he "tried to do it." He tells me whenever he talks about problems he’s having, in the marriage or otherwise, I get defensive, or take things personal, or tell him he shouldn’t feel that way.
So now if and when he opens up, I sit silently and nod at the appropriate times (listening, of course!) or tell him “I understand how you could feel that way.” But now, he thinks I’m ignoring him! He doesn’t even want to talk because I have nothing to say in return! So, I guess I’m just not saying the right things? I find it hard to get into a discussion with him, I just don’t know what he expects of my half of the discussion. I need suggestions. I know my behavior is harming my marriage. I just get so tongue-tied when I’m supposed to be open and supportive!
(USA) My fiance and I have been dating for 2 1/2 years. We’ve been engaged for 6 weeks. After the first 9 months of dating, we decided to move in together. Knowing that I am a Christian woman, he promised that we would be engaged in a couple of months. So we picked a house and moved in together. Wrong move!
During the year that I lived with him he grew emotionally cold and unresponsive to me. He used work as an excuse to be out of the house. Obviously we did not get engaged. I moved back into my house (that God I didn’t sell it). My moving out was prompted by his belief that we were no good together. Mind you, he is fully capable of expressing negative comments but would never say anything positive. I personally agreed and tried to move on with my life until he started pursuing me again. He became everything that I wanted. He would beg me to come back to him promising that he had changed and that he wanted to marry me. I was smart this time and didn’t move back in. I did spend a lot of time at his house though.
Finally, on Valentine’s Day he asked me to marry him, if that’s what you want to call it. He didn’t get down on one knee and pop the question. He simply alluded to it by asking me if I would wear his ring. After I asked him why, he finally said that he wanted me to be his wife. I was happy but during the next five weeks he would get upset anytime I would try to talk to him about communication and the value I placed on it. He would simply respond, "some things I just don’t care about" and called what he considered "my issues" bull–. He said that my "complaints" were making it hard for him to be excited about our future together.
Last week we had a disagreement over what I considered his insensitivity toward me. He reluctantly said that he would work on it but remained distant and cold all weekend. I went out of town that weekend to give him space. Finally, last Sunday night everything fell apart. I was at his house and found out he had been watching porno flicks (he left one in the DVD player). This bothered me because he had been so emotionally distant from me.
He came home from work and I was at his house. Please understand that I informed him that I would be there when he arrived. He got in bed and made sure that he kept distance between us. I was already asleep and was awakened by him getting into bed. He wasn’t even going to speak to me had I not woken up. He was obviously not happy to see me after I had been out of town all weekend. I told him that I thought he was a mean a-hole to which he responded that I no longer made him happy. After probing, he finally tried to clean it up by saying that I wasn’t making him happy right then.
I gathered my things and left. I contacted him the next day and left him a voice message telling him that I was tired of the way he’d been treating me and that I wasn’t going to accept his insensitivity anymore. I told him that we have definite communication issues and we needed help. I told him to contact me when he wanted to talk about it but that I would not wait forever for him. I have not talked to him since (5 days ago).
My family is telling me to move on- he’s not worth it -that I deserve better. I have not even attempted to call him since. I’m always the one to do the patch job. Is this normal behavior for a man who 6 weeks ago wanted me to be his wife? I can’t take or understand this isolation. Am I wrong for believing that we should be able to communicate without him constantly feeling as if I’m attacking him? Should I take this as a sign from God that he’s not the one?
(USA) It is important for every woman to understand that as long as you try and make your husband God, he will continue to disappoint you. All the comments left are focusing on the spouse instead of God and self. Don’t pray for God to change your husband until you have first prayed for God to change you. We sometimes go through things because God is trying to move a distraction from our lives.
(USA) My wife walked out on me 6 months ago and things are still as if she were here. Except for some clothing, the house is as it was the day she left. She is very accountable about the finances and contributes accordingly. There is third party involved and he is a known alcoholic. He has been through rehab twice and is still drinking. Although he has told her that he is going to quit drinking I have to believe that he says things SHE wants to hear and she is falling in to his trap. Is this a midlife crisis? Possibly.
This man is also married and is a financial disaster. His home is in foreclosure and he has 2 teenage children at home in which he is going to be hit hard with child support and alimony. I can’t help but believe that he is using her for support of his habits. The problem I have is that my wife doesn’t act like someone who wants a divorce. She has not met with or sought legal council or filed. What a mess. My patience and commitment to the woman I love is extremely strong. Till a judge says it’s final I will remain committed. Any comments or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
(USA) Marriage is often an avenue for people to work out their family of origin issues. I think that the best solution is to attempt to develop yourself fully before entering into a union with another damaged person. Take 100% responsibility for your own life and your happiness and expect your partner to do the same. That is called being an adult.
(USA) Apart from cases when husbands have been unfaithful or have been abusive, I think there is a way out ladies and it’s time to help each other out. I must say, reading articles and trying to come to an understanding of the opposite sex is quite useful.
I refer you to an article on this site: http://www.marriagemissions.com/understanding-the-differences-between-men-and-women/. This is just one of many articles that have changed my views and the way I relate to my husband. We are different but complimentary –that’s how God designed it. I believe we should embrace these differences because they are for the good of the rest of the family.
Accepting our spouses is a demonstration of unconditional love and a willingness to come to their level and have empathy in areas of life that they are not best suited. Ladies, it’s a fact of life that man are more activity oriented and they believe in achievements by action and they may not find any use in talking over issues. Lets not take the situation negatively because the problem will never go away but it escalates.
My suggestions will be to actively participate in our husbands’ way of life. I know some may say men should equally participate in our interests. It comes back to the fact that us women are the ones who really value bonding the most and are badly affected when it doesn’t happen. We should therefore be proactive. If watching football the whole 3 hrs keeps you holdings hands -let it be. Before you know it you will be good buddies.
Men like sports, so it’s a good idea to learn sports. They like to work so it’s a good idea to show some interest in their meeting outcomes etc. They like to listen to the news so lets get the latest updates for them. Once you become involved in the things that take 80% of their “free time” you will be the best buddies and you will probably end up genuinely enjoying the same things. The basic Bible principles say we reap what we sow and we should “do unto others what you want them to do for you” by putting their interests first. One of us has to be willing to give in in order to get the relationship going for he better.
I know most men are not really touchy people but there is nothing wrong with taking the initiative to kiss, hug or hold hands etc. Before you know it your husband will get used to it and it becomes a norm in your household. Lastly, please don’t take rejection to heart for it spoils everything and it demotivates you.
Lets not give up but help each other for we are in the same boat.