“Just do SOMETHING to help me!!!” That is an outcry of many hearts that are wounded because of the domestic abuse they are silently suffering from within their homes. They reach out for help … or for varying reasons they don’t (because they don’t think anyone can help them), and no one is there to give a supportive and empowering hand.
But the whole issue of domestic violence and abuse is something that needs to be addressed— particularly within the Christian body, because it isn’t being dealt with as openly as it should be. I believe that’s part of the reason that so many victims are crying alone within their homes and aren’t seeking the help they need. This darkness needs to be exposed to the Light.
Part of the reason I know this is because it’s so difficult to find articles and Christian literature on this subject. Because of the work within Marriage Missions, we are continually looking for resources to help those who reach out to us. And in my search, I’ve found very little.
I know that in Christ, we are new creatures and that God transforms us and is transforming us into His image, so it may not be as rampant a problem as it is elsewhere (although I’m not entirely certain about that). But I also know that many people ignore the Lord’s leading and counsel and empowerment, and end up instead doing what they want to do despite the power available to them to do otherwise. Tragically, abuse is not absent from the church. It SHOULD be, but it is not. People gravitate to sin and embrace it, rather than embracing the good that God has for us instead.
So, on this subject of domestic violence I have come across some articles that may be able to help you and your church fight AGAINST domestic violence instead of turning a deaf ear or a blind eye to it. If you are already doing something, maybe this article will help you all the more.
In my studies on this subject, I came upon a Blog that deals with the subject of abuse against women — although it needs to be said that many men also suffer from abuse — it’s just not looked at in the same way, which is wrong. Abuse is abuse, whether it’s a man slapping a woman or a woman slapping a man.
But this particular blog addresses women (many of the same principles can be applied in to a man’s abusive situation). Below I will supply a link so you can read it in its entirety, but before I do, there are a few parts of this blog that I’d like to point out because I think they are especially noteworthy. Something written by April Gilford should be pointed out:
“I understand Christian marriage to be a covenant whereby two people affirm before God their commitment to love, to respect, and to cherish one another in all of life’s circumstances. With God’s help, the couple promises to love another just as God loves us. Domestic violence is a violation of this covenant and should not be tolerated in a Christian marriage. It is the role of the church to provide a safe and loving environment for the victim of the abuse and to help the abuser see the wrong in his/her actions and to seek repentance and help for what he/she has done.”
I believe for too long, the church has closed its eyes or looked the other way concerning domestic violence, which takes away the “safe and loving environment” that should be contained within the covenant of marriage.
It reminds me of the parable Jesus taught of the Good Samaritan (in Luke 10). Even the religious leader, who should have known better and should have shown the most mercy, for the most part ignored the person needing help. And Jesus pointed out that the Samaritan who stopped was more of a “neighbor” who was doing good than anyone else, (which would include the religious leader). He said to the person (and all of us), “Go and do likewise” in referring to giving help to others who need it.
As a church, we simply can’t keep ignoring or looking the other way because we don’t know what to do with the situation of violence in the home. We may not know NOW what to do, but we need to make it our business to find out and pro-actively help those who need help. Marriage is a sacred commitment of love and faith and mutual caring for one another. And when one partner is violating another in such horrendous ways, we as a body of Believers, need to help in whatever way we can, to cause the violence to stop.
So, in this spirit of cooperation, I’d like for you to read the following articles posted on the web site for Crosswalk.com, in the hope that some of you who read it will put feet to what is proposed and will help your church to reach out to those who are suffering in abusive situations. I also hope that your church will talk about this issue from the pulpit, so what is being done in darkness, will be exposed to the Light and be properly dealt with.
Another part of the blogging article that I referred to earlier, which I’d like to point out, is written by Tiffany Sanders. She points out that although a woman Biblically is to submit to her husband (which some church members use to say that she should submit to his beatings as well for biblical reasons) Peter and the Apostles pointed out in Acts 5:29 how there exceptions to following man’s ways if they violate the greater picture of God’s will. It says “We must obey God rather than men!”
Tiffany says something that many people look past when it comes to domestic violence. She says,
“A woman must not, then, risk her life or serious injury in submission to her husband. It violates a higher duty to protect human life and welfare, and it cooperates in her husband’s sin. Many ministers, in fact, agree up to this point. Many agree that a woman must flee to protect herself, but must “return and submit” when the danger has passed.”
And I’ve thought the same thing myself in trying to stay biblical in this situation. But I’ve since learned differently.
And then Tiffany goes on to point something out that I’ve heard and read about in many situations that we really need to note if we are going to help the victim remain as “safe” as possible. She writes,
“When, Exactly, Has the Danger ‘Passed’? This ignores a fundamental reality of domestic violence: the danger does not pass. A woman who calls the police for help in a moment of crisis can usually expect to pay for that call when she returns home, whether it’s an hour or a day or a week later. The dynamic of an abusive relationship is one in which there is never a moment of safety, in which even the most careful, most observant, most vigilant of victims can be blindsided at any moment.
Something she does inadvertently might be the trigger. Something that happened outside and she doesn’t know about might be the trigger. Something her husband imagined might be the trigger. The moment when it’s ’safe’ to ‘return and submit’, if it comes at all, comes after long hard work with a minister or counselor or anger management program.
“It’s clear that a woman has not only a right but an obligation to protect herself from physical harm, and that protecting herself requires more than simply getting out of the house for an hour to let her husband cool down.”
The point I want you to understand here is that domestic violence does not have a “one size fits all” solution. Sometimes leaving is the best way to protect oneself from further violence, but other times it will just increase the resolve of the abuser to find them and hurt them even more. Sometimes, finding a way to get through the situation so the victim can come up with a plan for the future is a better way. It’s a very difficult thing in which to be involved.
Please don’t counsel abuse victims to do things one way that makes immediate sense to you. Be prayerful and careful in your advice, giving them many options that they can use and then helping her or him to discern which would work best for the dynamics of their situation.
The important thing is to realize that abuse must be stopped. No one deserves abuse. And if God wants to use us in some way to help in stopping the violence, then we must have our ears and eyes and minds open to His leading.
In the blogging article I refer to, Tiffany then goes beyond this to explain more about abuse against wives, which you really should read. You may or may not agree with all she says. And some of you may even judge what she says because of some doctrinal stands she makes for her religion which you may not hold.
But let’s not miss the forest for the trees. While you may agree whole-heartedly, or disagree on certain points for whatever reason, the bigger picture is that domestic violence outside of the church and within the church needs to be addressed. People are dying here. They’re dying physically and also spiritually because as we turn a deaf ear and/or we look the other way, the compassion that is to be so evident within us as Followers of Christ, is no longer being seen.
God wants to work in us and through us to help others to know Him better. He wants to use us to poke holes in the darkness that surrounds peoples lives. And this is one of those areas of darkness that I believe He wants to use us, so that sin is exposed to His light for cleansing and healing.
Each one of us may not be able to do a lot to address this issue to help those who are being violated by domestic abuse. But if each one of us does something — let’s at least do SOMETHING —it can be like a mighty rushing water. Each drop combined with others contributes something to moving this terrible situation into one in which God’s mercy can wash away the debris so it can be better seen and dealt with, within the church body.
To help in this cause, we are going to give a few links to some articles we hope you will prayerfully and carefully read — both for your own education, but also to see if while you are praying, you can visualize how God can use you to help fight AGAINST domestic violence. We pray this will make a difference.
The first will be the Blog I referred to above and then other articles I found on the Internet that may be enlightening as well:
This article was written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions.
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Thank you for speaking on a very important, and not widely addressed subject!
(SOUTH AFRICA) I’ve been to 3 churches with ‘my problem’, not one of them helped us through it. I am now going to one more church and I pray that someone will help!!
Just as the article says “When, exactly, has the danger ‘passed’”? For 10 years I’ve thought that the danger had passed only to realize time and time again it hasn’t. I even moved out of the house but after a few months he moved in with me and said that he has changed and agreed to counselling. He says he made a commitment before God for better or for worse. The counselling eventually phased out and two months later the abuse has started again.
I continuously live thinking, what is going to happen if this argument gets out of hand? What will he do next?? Will he hit me??Will he break/smash something?? I’m dying inside…and my children are scared as hell!! -An abused Christian woman
(USA) My heart goes out to women in abusive marriages, especially because I was once one of those women. Many Christian women feel bound by their beliefs, their church, and their faith to remain in abusive marriages. I was such a woman. I divorced my husband, who was an associate pastor in our church, due to domestic violence. We separated several times, prior to the divorce, due to domestic violence.
Each time, I sought counsel from the church to resolve the issues. Finally, when it became too much for me to bear and to continue to allow my two-year old daughter to witness, I decided to file for divorce. This, of course, left me feeling displaced, awkward, and ostracized in the church because there are no ministries that address this issue in particular (i.e. singles and marriage ministries).
Out of this experience, God led me to write a book, "I Will Survive in Jesus’ Name! How three Women, who are fighting for their lives, use the Word of God to Triumph over Domestic Violence" While women from all walks of life purchased the book, the church shunned it. The church doesn’t want to deal with this "taboo" subject, in part, because they help to perpetuate the abuse by remaining silent and failing to hold the abuser (often a member and, at worst, a church leader) accountable. God has raised me up as a part of His remnant to continue to call attention to and shed light on the church’s flagrant disregard of domestic violence. Jennifer Mitchell Earley
(GHANA) I am presently in an abusive marriage of just 10 months. I have a baby girl and the truth is simply that the slightest provocation just triggers my husband. He has never hit me, but has threatened to several times, and he is quite abusive verbally. When my mum came around to take care of my baby, she noticed the telltale signs of abuse and wasn’t pleased with my husband who hated her because of this and says that we should not discuss her for the marriage to move on.
He threatens to leave the house for me and the baby when he gets angry, and the most recent outburst is that he wants me to move out of the master bedroom to another room, and says that if he is so bad, then I should leave the marriage simply because he knows that I’m not too comfortable with that. He could shout the house down and seek attention from the neighbors just to make me look bad. I’ve decided to alert the church of all these, since he professes to be a Christian, but I really don’t know which son of God would act this way.
(USA) I am living in an abusive marriage, my Pastor supports and help my husband in his abusive behavior. This is what has been happening the last 3 years: http://christiandomesticviolence.blogspot.com
(US) I too am now separated for the hundredth time from my husband. I tried marriage counseling; he made it thru two sessions. He also says he is a Christian and has ‘got his self right with God’. I went back in December to him mostly out of what I believe was conviction. I have filed the divorce myself. He’s still waiting on me to ‘come to my senses’ and come home.
I’m a babe in Christ. I also sought the help of our church. Whether they just turn their heads or believe him when he says ‘I’m just crazy and imagined it’ I don’t know. I sought another pastor outside of our church. He did the counseling for us. But it is a waste of time if it’s not being applied. I tried. My vows were/are very important to me. But the safety for me and my two four year olds are also important.
I believe I will always feel married to him, but divorce seems to be our answer. This is his forth marriage. I prayed out before this separation for God to please save us. 2 days later he left our home. He came back of course, but so angry the sheriff made him leave. He then turned all utilities off. We were forced to leave and he took over our home. I don’t have much support but I am leaning hard on God.
(USA) Hi Wendy, I’m sorry to hear of your circumstances. As you may know (from previous comments I’ve left on this website), I was in an abusive relationship as well. Our church actually did not turn the other way, the first time but then, when I saw the pattern of escalation starting all over again (we had an intervention by our church leaders a couple of years ago), I became concerned. They did turn the other way the second time around. But I’d already started to see that wasn’t the right “church” group for me and have since disassociated with them.
Any church that does not take spousal abuse seriously is not truly operating under the love and freedom of Christ and what His sacrifice represents. It is a false truth.
God made a way out for me, personally. You do not go into specifics of the abuse. If it was not physical, then it’s hard to say what people are thinking. But I do know from the research I did in response to the abuse I suffered, that even verbally threatening a spouse (with death or bodily harm) is criminal. And, according to the authorities I spoke to, anything a spouse does that intimidates the other can be considered abuse. In my case, just intimidation was enough to be arrestable because it was combined with a history of physical abuse, death threats on more than one occasion and threats of bodily harm on more than one occasion.
I will tell you from my own experience, people who have not lived with this most likely don’t know what you are talking about, find it easy to say that we, as the abused spouse, should “just leave” and why don’t we “just leave.” People that say that do not know what it is like to truly fear for their lives at the expense of their spouse or a significant other/family member. They speak out of true, unabashed ignorance. They have the luxury of judging where they ought not judge because they themselves have not experienced those circumstances. The statistics say that when an abused spouse chooses to leave, the odds of death or severe injury jump by 70%. That means your odds of being killed or beaten within an inch of your life are literally 70% higher, by choosing to leave, than they were by staying and “dealing” with the abuse.
I’m sure Wendy knows what I’m talking about, but for those of you reading who don’t deal with abuse and never have, and have wondered why people don’t leave – that’s why!!! I’ve even read from mental health professionals that they don’t know why a victim stays. These are people who get paid to know about emotional and mental issues, who don’t know about the emotional and mental issues involved with spousal abuse. How sad is that? In addition to having nowhere to go, no money, no support system, etc., etc., etc. that Wendy is now having to deal with.
At any rate – I digress. Wendy, I wanted to tell you this. I had the last straw (of many last straws) recently with my own spouse. I’m very anti-divorce. My mother is very anti-divorce. My parents were married until my father passed away and I, too, went to counseling. My counselor was anti-divorce and a Christian.
When I told him of the latest incident and that I saw the pattern of escalation going back up again, after the intervention of our church, just like it started when we first married, my counselor’s response was – get a divorce (or at least a separation). I believe he said divorce for legal reasons (like me not having my kids or property stolen from me, which my husband has threatened to do and tried to do since I told him I’m separating). My husband also calls himself a “believer.” He is in serious spiritual bondage and does not know the true love of Christ, nor does he have that in his heart.
Here was my counselor’s advice: I will share it with you to perhaps answer some of your questions as well as guide you, should you wonder about reconciling with your spouse. He said do NOT go back with my husband unless he gets specific counseling, on his own, for abuse and those issues. He also said that my husband is to get a psychological evaluation and to allay his fears (or mine) or my husband’s accusations that I’m crazy or making it up (just like what you’ve experienced) I could have an evaluation done as well. He also said that counseling by pastors is NOT adequate. It has to be someone specialized in abuse and those issues (including, but not limited to, anger).
So, Wendy, if you only got counseling by a pastor, then that is why you probably had minimal results. Only specialized counseling will produce results and even then, it is not a guarantee.
Hope this helps. Please keep going to God. In Christian love, LT
(UNITED KINGDOM) Hi Where do I start after 19 years of marriage 19 years of abuse? I sat here needing to talk and get advice, but my husband stopped church and I have no friends. I realized lately when my husband starts verbal abuse I have started to swear back and copy him and realized this was happening in front of my 13 year old. As of only recently I felt confident to do this – to make what I thought was a stand. I don’t want to do this anymore, but realized my arguing was to provoke him further so we could get the verbal and physical abuse over with – cause I don’t know how to make this stop.
(USA) Hi Sarah, How sad I am for you that your marriage and family relationship has come to this. How I pray that somehow things can turn around so there isn’t such a power struggle and disrespect going on — particularly for your 13 year old to watch and learn from. You and your 13 year old sure don’t deserve this. I’m so sorry for your pain.
A few questions come to mind as I read your comment that I hope you will prayerfully consider. How is it working for you in being abusive back? I understand the temptation — the urge to yell back would be tremendous, but does it really de-escalate matters? Does it make you feel better about yourself — especially as a woman of God? What do you think Jesus would do? What is this teaching your 13 year old when BOTH parents are doing this? Doesn’t someone need to be the hero here and not lower their standards?
These are all questions, not to make you feel worse about yourself — quite the contrary. I just don’t want you to suffer from such abuse and then heap onto it all the pain of living with present and future regrets on how YOU react. That would make things even worse for you in the long-run.
Please pray about this and keep praying that God will show you what you can do on your part to protect you and your 13 year old from this onslaught. Your husband has lowered his standards and has given himself permission to be abusive… but does that mean that you must do the same?
Please know that my love and prayers are with you.
(USA) Churches in the USA can get training ON DOMESTIC VIOLENCE from http://www.focusministries1.org and also read their book by PAULA and BRENDA called “VIOLENCE AMONG US”.