Then the domestic Violence site @ http://www.ndvh.org. And lastly You tube has a PBS documentary [one hour] called ‘Breaking The Silence” children stories. Also another website called MEN can help stop violence. Also Google KEVIN POWELL. He is a man that hosts monthly men’s workshops and collaborates with UNITED Nations, Amnesty International and does documentaries and many other projects he does. Hope this information HELPS!!

A few questions come to mind as I read your comment that I hope you will prayerfully consider. How is it working for you in being abusive back? I understand the temptation — the urge to yell back would be tremendous, but does it really de-escalate matters? Does it make you feel better about yourself — especially as a woman of God? What do you think Jesus would do? What is this teaching your 13 year old when BOTH parents are doing this? Doesn’t someone need to be the hero here and not lower their standards?

These are all questions, not to make you feel worse about yourself — quite the contrary. I just don’t want you to suffer from such abuse and then heap onto it all the pain of living with present and future regrets on how YOU react. That would make things even worse for you in the long-run.

Please pray about this and keep praying that God will show you what you can do on your part to protect you and your 13 year old from this onslaught. Your husband has lowered his standards and has given himself permission to be abusive… but does that mean that you must do the same?

Please know that my love and prayers are with you.

Any church that does not take spousal abuse seriously is not truly operating under the love and freedom of Christ and what His sacrifice represents. It is a false truth.

God made a way out for me, personally. You do not go into specifics of the abuse. If it was not physical, then it’s hard to say what people are thinking. But I do know from the research I did in response to the abuse I suffered, that even verbally threatening a spouse (with death or bodily harm) is criminal. And, according to the authorities I spoke to, anything a spouse does that intimidates the other can be considered abuse. In my case, just intimidation was enough to be arrestable because it was combined with a history of physical abuse, death threats on more than one occasion and threats of bodily harm on more than one occasion.

I will tell you from my own experience, people who have not lived with this most likely don’t know what you are talking about, find it easy to say that we, as the abused spouse, should “just leave” and why don’t we “just leave.” People that say that do not know what it is like to truly fear for their lives at the expense of their spouse or a significant other/family member. They speak out of true, unabashed ignorance. They have the luxury of judging where they ought not judge because they themselves have not experienced those circumstances. The statistics say that when an abused spouse chooses to leave, the odds of death or severe injury jump by 70%. That means your odds of being killed or beaten within an inch of your life are literally 70% higher, by choosing to leave, than they were by staying and “dealing” with the abuse.

I’m sure Wendy knows what I’m talking about, but for those of you reading who don’t deal with abuse and never have, and have wondered why people don’t leave – that’s why!!! I’ve even read from mental health professionals that they don’t know why a victim stays. These are people who get paid to know about emotional and mental issues, who don’t know about the emotional and mental issues involved with spousal abuse. How sad is that? In addition to having nowhere to go, no money, no support system, etc., etc., etc. that Wendy is now having to deal with.

At any rate – I digress. Wendy, I wanted to tell you this. I had the last straw (of many last straws) recently with my own spouse. I’m very anti-divorce. My mother is very anti-divorce. My parents were married until my father passed away and I, too, went to counseling. My counselor was anti-divorce and a Christian.

When I told him of the latest incident and that I saw the pattern of escalation going back up again, after the intervention of our church, just like it started when we first married, my counselor’s response was – get a divorce (or at least a separation). I believe he said divorce for legal reasons (like me not having my kids or property stolen from me, which my husband has threatened to do and tried to do since I told him I’m separating). My husband also calls himself a “believer.” He is in serious spiritual bondage and does not know the true love of Christ, nor does he have that in his heart.

Here was my counselor’s advice: I will share it with you to perhaps answer some of your questions as well as guide you, should you wonder about reconciling with your spouse. He said do NOT go back with my husband unless he gets specific counseling, on his own, for abuse and those issues. He also said that my husband is to get a psychological evaluation and to allay his fears (or mine) or my husband’s accusations that I’m crazy or making it up (just like what you’ve experienced) I could have an evaluation done as well. He also said that counseling by pastors is NOT adequate. It has to be someone specialized in abuse and those issues (including, but not limited to, anger).

So, Wendy, if you only got counseling by a pastor, then that is why you probably had minimal results. Only specialized counseling will produce results and even then, it is not a guarantee.

Hope this helps. Please keep going to God. In Christian love, LT

I’m a babe in Christ. I also sought the help of our church. Whether they just turn their heads or believe him when he says ‘I’m just crazy and imagined it’ I don’t know. I sought another pastor outside of our church. He did the counseling for us. But it is a waste of time if it’s not being applied. I tried. My vows were/are very important to me. But the safety for me and my two four year olds are also important.

I believe I will always feel married to him, but divorce seems to be our answer. This is his forth marriage. I prayed out before this separation for God to please save us. 2 days later he left our home. He came back of course, but so angry the sheriff made him leave. He then turned all utilities off. We were forced to leave and he took over our home. I don’t have much support but I am leaning hard on God.

He threatens to leave the house for me and the baby when he gets angry, and the most recent outburst is that he wants me to move out of the master bedroom to another room, and says that if he is so bad, then I should leave the marriage simply because he knows that I’m not too comfortable with that. He could shout the house down and seek attention from the neighbors just to make me look bad. I’ve decided to alert the church of all these, since he professes to be a Christian, but I really don’t know which son of God would act this way.

Each time, I sought counsel from the church to resolve the issues. Finally, when it became too much for me to bear and to continue to allow my two-year old daughter to witness, I decided to file for divorce. This, of course, left me feeling displaced, awkward, and ostracized in the church because there are no ministries that address this issue in particular (i.e. singles and marriage ministries).

Out of this experience, God led me to write a book, "I Will Survive in Jesus’ Name! How three Women, who are fighting for their lives, use the Word of God to Triumph over Domestic Violence" While women from all walks of life purchased the book, the church shunned it. The church doesn’t want to deal with this "taboo" subject, in part, because they help to perpetuate the abuse by remaining silent and failing to hold the abuser (often a member and, at worst, a church leader) accountable. God has raised me up as a part of His remnant to continue to call attention to and shed light on the church’s flagrant disregard of domestic violence. Jennifer Mitchell Earley

Just as the article says “When, exactly, has the danger ‘passed’”? For 10 years I’ve thought that the danger had passed only to realize time and time again it hasn’t. I even moved out of the house but after a few months he moved in with me and said that he has changed and agreed to counselling. He says he made a commitment before God for better or for worse. The counselling eventually phased out and two months later the abuse has started again.

I continuously live thinking, what is going to happen if this argument gets out of hand? What will he do next?? Will he hit me??Will he break/smash something?? I’m dying inside…and my children are scared as hell!! -An abused Christian woman