Have you shown your pastor and his or her spouse how much you appreciate them? Have you ever considered how difficult it must be for them to nurture and care for the health of their marriage relationship when there are so many demands upon their time?

This month in the United States is designated as Pastor Appreciation Month. And for that reason, we want to spot light your pastor’s marriage because not only do we care about their marriage, but so should you, because God cares VERY MUCH about this. And because we live in covenant with God, whatever concerns Him, should concern us.

For your reference, for the remainder of this message, we will be referring to your pastor as a “he” because most pastors are men, and it will make it easier to communicate this message if we don’t have to keep referring to “he or she.” But the same principles would apply if it was a Pastor and her husband.

As a representative of Christ, your pastor is in the spotlight quite a bit as a light and shepherd in the community he is placed. He has people who often call at all hours of the day and night asking for help with various problems they’re encountering. This has GOT to put a strain upon the private time he has with his wife. And just like anything else that is alive and vital, you have to put some quality time into maintaining it for it to keep running as it should. Their marriage relationship — just like ours, is no exception.

The pastor may have a special anointing upon his ministry, but that doesn’t mean that he and his wife are any less human in needing their human needs to be met. Many people forget that fact, or ignore it. And that shouldn’t be. To the best of our abilities we really should try to encourage them and help them because there will be other people who will do the opposite — whether out of necessity or selfishness.

And there will be times when WE will need their help as well. God created us to need each other and to work together to meet each other’s needs. That’s why it would be good if you can try to be as helpful as you can when you can (without straining your own marriage) to lighten their load a bit.

We think you would be shocked by the amount of letters we receive each month from pastors wives who are depressed, are extremely lonely — feeling neglected by their husband, and are ready to leave their spouse because of various demands upon their husband’s time and/or because their pastor husband either can’t make the time or won’t make the time to nurture his marriage and family. There are other pressures also.

Your pastor is a human being and has human needs just like you. He can be discouraged when he’s up against antagonistic people, and can succumb to temptations just like any other human being when someone approaches him in a sexual way. There are many pastors who are addicted to various substances because of their weaknesses and because of the temptation to numb their pain.

Because their family is under such close observation and scrutiny by so many people, there is an added strain. Many people and churches look at the behavior of their children as a “report card” for what type of parent and pastor they are — neglecting the fact that even our Heavenly Father has prodigals that rebel (remember Adam and Eve?) and don’t do as they should when they should. We want others to give us grace in not judging us when our children make sinful choices, but the pastor and his wife is often not given the same grace.

Yes, they are held up to higher standards as the Bible talks about when you are a teacher or an overseer of some type, but perhaps if we offered to help and/or pray for them, their children might go through a shorter period of rebellion as mercy and grace is displayed to them. All of this puts an added strain upon the marriage of your pastor if it is occurring.

Some pastors can fall into having a “savior complex” because of the position they are put in at times. And some pastors and their wives can even fall into doing something they shouldn’t, or saying something they shouldn’t, or having an attitude over something they shouldn’t at times. Again, they are human just like you, and you don’t always do or say everything right or hold back a bad attitude at times.

But as sisters and brothers to each other, we are called to help each other and encourage each other, and forgive and be gracious to each other. When someone sins we should “help them up” as the Bible tells us to “gently restore them.”

We’ve come across so many devastated pastors and their wives. They’ve been so deeply hurt by those they tried to care for and serve. And when the pastor hurts, so does his wife. When you hurt a pastor’s wife, you also hurt your pastor. They are to be “one” because of their marriage.

So, at this time, we ask you to pray and ask the Lord to reveal to you how you can encourage your pastor and his wife — not only right now, but in the future. What is it that you can do to make their lives a little easier and encourage their marriage in some way? Is the pastor working too many hours? Encourage him to work less so he can have more time to nurture his marriage and family relationship.

Don’t make so many demands upon his time and energy. And allow his wife to be her own person — a woman of God who doesn’t have to fit into the role that YOU have decided for her, but rather the role that GOD has shown her she is to fulfill.

Give both of them time together, and grace, and space to spend time outside of church duties. As a church make sure they are paid well enough so they can aren’t so deprived. And make sure they take vacation time and recreation time. They need to laugh together and date each other and nurture their relationship. Encourage them to do so. In fact, if they have young children, volunteer to baby sit them so your pastor and his wife actually can have some time alone.

“If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his live, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.” (Philippians 2:1-2)

“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.” (Galatians 6:9-10)

We pray you will take this message to heart and encourage your pastor and his wife and work together to make your marriages the best they can be to the glory of God. And just so you know — we have a section on our web site devoted to pastors and their wives. Encourage them to visit our site to receive further help which is specific for their marriage.

Cindy and Steve Wright

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