Last week Cindy and I shared some thoughts on the topic of “Marital Intimate Issues.” Some of the men wrote back to say they really liked the “sex is a type of worship” part. But, like we also said last week, “there’s a right worship and there’s a wrong worship. This week I’d like to talk with men a little more in depth on the 2 questions I posed and asked you to pray about:

1) Do I look pure on the outside to everyone else—but in reality have I merely settled on a middle ground somewhere between paganism and obedience to Gods standard?

2) Do I get any sexual gratification from anyone or anything other than my wife?

If you do, then you aren’t keeping yourself sexually pure and the marriage bed “undefiled.” I don’t know of one Christian man who would say he doesn’t want to be sexually pure. Yet at the same time I believe most Christian men struggle in this area of their lives. And too often, unless a man is caught by the Holy Spirit or someone else and this sin is exposed to the light, this destructive problem grows bigger than life in the “privacy” of too many Christian men’s lives.

So as the great philosopher Barney Fife once said, “We need to nip it in the bud” before it destroys that which is precious. Here’s what I believe it comes down to: If we (men) want to be sexually pure and fully devoted to our wives—the way God intends, we can’t feed that which is not healthy mentally, physically, or spiritually. I want to give you a few pointers that have been of tremendous help to many men I know, including myself.

First, I had to personally come to realize that I cannot mix God’s standard for sexual purity with my own-because mine will always fall short of God’s. His standard is that we avoid every hint of sexual immorality in our lives. It isn’t a matter of what I can and can’t get away with in what I allow my eyes and mind to focus on, it’s a matter of staying away from anything and everything that even hints at being wrong. Why even go there? What’s the point of “playing close to the edge?” Is that what being a follower of Christ is about?

Obtaining even a hint of sexual gratification or excitement apart from anyone other than from our own wife whether it’s in the form of a picture, or video, or from another woman in any way is a form of adultery. There’s no two ways about it. We can try to justify it, normalize it, and minimize its importance, but that doesn’t change what it really is (except in our own easily deceived minds). It’s dishonoring to our wives, and our marriage, and it’s dishonoring to the Lord because as believers in Christ, we’re God’s Holy Temple. And whatever dirt we bring into our lives, we’re dragging the Lord into it also.

The Bible tells us to flee from immorality (as Joseph did from Pontifar’s wife). We’re told to “throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.” And anything or anyone that we allow to sexually entertain us even for a brief moment apart from our wife that we don’t flee from can entangle us into sinning worse than we could ever imagine. Sin is addicting and sexual sin is especially addicting. It’s been noted that “sex is the fastest growing addiction in the U.S. and the addiction of choice among Christians.”

How tragic! We can’t underestimate the horrific damage it’s causing in our society, and our churches, and in our homes today. So again, it isn’t a matter of what we can or can’t get away with —saying “this or that is harmless”, or “only natural”, or “isn’t a big deal” —because it is a big deal. It defiles our minds, our spiritual lives, and our sexual lives with our wives.

We’re giving the enemy of our faith a foothold every time we give him even a shred of an opportunity to entertain our sexual appetite away from our wives. It’s our prayer that if you recognize any part of what I’ve been saying as applying to how you conduct yourself at all, you’ll determine, with the Lord’s guidance and help to wage war against anything that could even slightly turn your sexual attention and love away from your wife and your Lord.

I personally made that determination years ago, and although it’s been a difficult battle, (and still is a continual battle) I can’t start to tell you how freeing it is to honor and love my wife and my Lord this way by “fleeing sexual immorality.” For me that means turning away (because I hold the remote control) from TV ads that are the least bit suggestive; avoiding circulars that would have lingerie ads whether my wife or anyone else is in the room. It also means to “starve” my eyes to such an extent that whenever a woman or an image of a woman could cause me to think impure (or lustful) thoughts, I can instantly dismiss it.

We want to starve that which we don’t want to grow. We only want to feed that which is beneficial to the health of our marriage and our spiritual life. And finally, I came to realize that holiness and purity are achieved by a series of choices that I/we make every day. For me, the choices that help me are (1) “To set no vile thing before my eyes” (Psalm 101:3) and (2) “To put to death sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires” (Col.3:5-6).

Men, if you want to love and honor your wife in a very tangible way, make a conscious decision right now to live your life in covenant with her by God’s standard for sexual purity. Become accountable with another man whom you can trust to hold your feet to the fire over this serious matter. Search for the help that God can bring your way.

There are countless resources that are available on this topic. A few great Internet Sites that have a wealth of information that we highly recommended are: www.christianrecovery.com and www.newlife.com and www.iprodigals.com and www.pureintimacy.org just to name a few.

A few books that we recommend are:
• Every Man’s Battle by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker,
• Addicted to Love by Stephen Arterburn,
• When Good Men Are Tempted by Bill Perkins, and
• Breaking Free: Understanding Sexual Addiction and the Healing Power of Jesus by Russell Willingham.

And, above all else, pray for purity as David did in Psalm 51, “Create in me a pure heart, O God and renew a steadfast spirit within me.”

To add some comments from a wife’s point of view, let me (Cindy) again recommend the book: Intimate Issues by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus. It has a wealth of information in it that’s invaluable for any married woman. It has a chapter devoted to the subject that Steve just talked about.

One of the things they say in this chapter is “Emotions associated with pornography don’t fight fair” And that’s so true. The enemy of our faith is a deceiver and uses the visual aspects of a man’s perceptions to his advantage. There’s nothing fair in the war that’s waged against the beauty of sexual intimacy within the marital relationship. What God has created to be so beautiful and wonderful, is continually being perverted and darkened.

As they also say in this book:

“Light is your only ray of hope to dispel the darkness. We’re going to suggest you turn on different lights.” You’ll notice that these “lights” are directed toward you, not toward your husband. Why? Because the only person you can change is you. You can pray for your husband. And you can encourage him to get help. But in the end, you can’t make decisions for him. Our primary concern is to encourage you and to help you keep a ‘God-centered’ perspective during this dark time.”

To find out about these “lights” you’ll need to read the book because I don’t want you to miss the details they give with each one. But the point they make is so true. You can’t fight your husband’s battle, but you aren’t without help in fighting what’s been inflicted upon your life.

Another book I’d recommend is entitled An Affair of the Mind… One Woman’s Courageous Battle to Salvage Her Family from the Devastation of Pornography by Laurie Hall. In it she says,

“Don’t condemn yourself. A husband will work hard at convincing his wife and others that the addiction [to pornography] is her fault. He does this to lessen his own guilt, but don’t subscribe to such thinking. Beating yourself up is nonproductive and pointless. It also invites self-pity and therefore sin.” “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1).

As Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus says in their book,

“God doesn’t want us to condemn ourselves. Neither does He want us to deceive ourselves into thinking we’re perfect. We should always be open to correction and change, but God’s way of achieving transformation is through loving instruction, not brutal condemnation. How are you doing with the battle in your mind? Are you refusing to ‘compare’ and ‘condemn?’ Are you thinking right? If so, you’re free to begin ‘doing.’ The first item on the ‘to-do list’ is to increase your understanding of pornography and its dangers.”

I hope you’ll educate yourself on this matter for your sake and also to educate your children before their minds become over-exposed to things that can draw them into such addictions.

With love to all of you,
Steve and Cindy Wright

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