Last week Cindy and I shared some thoughts on the topic of Marital Intimate Issues. Afterward, some men wrote to say they really liked the “sex is a type of worship” part. But as we said last week, “there is a right kind of worship and a wrong kind of worship.” This week I’d like to talk to men a little more in depth on the two questions I posed and asked you to pray about:
1) Do I look pure on the outside to everyone else — but in reality have I merely settled on a middle ground somewhere between paganism and obedience to God’s standard?
2) Do I get any sexual gratification from anyone or anything other than my wife?
If you do, then you aren’t keeping yourself and your marriage bed “undefiled” as the Bible tells us to do. I don’t know one true Christ follower who doesn’t WANT to be a man of sexual integrity. Yet at the same time I believe most Christian men struggle greatly in this area of their lives, myself included.
My aim in this message is not to throw stones but to share a few pointers that have helped me and many men I know as well.
First, I had to personally come to realize that I cannot mix God’s standard for sexual integrity with my own — because mine will always fall short of God’s. It isn’t a matter of “what I can and can’t get away with” in what I allow my eyes and mind to focus on, but rather staying away from everything that even hints at being wrong.
Why even go there? What’s the point of “playing so close to the edge?” Is that kind of behavior something that would please God? Is it a place where God would want to go with you? Where there is too much confidence in your own strength as well as reckless regard for the consequences, a fall is very likely.
Obtaining even a hint of sexual gratification from a woman by writing to her, talking to her, viewing her in real life or in pictures, on the computer or any other form where you would be embarrassed if Jesus were with you, is a form of adultery (see Ephesians 5:3-5) —and yes, if you are a child of God, He IS with you.
“Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute (or a woman that you are viewing as if she were one)? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prost–itute is one with her in body? For it is said, ‘The two will become one flesh’” (1 Corinthians 6:15-16).
The Bible tells us to flee from immorality (as the Bible says that Joseph did when tempted by Potifar’s wife). We’re told to “throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.” And anything or anyone that we allow for even a brief time to sexually entertain us, apart from our wife, that we don’t flee from, entangles us into sinning. And make no mistake about it, this type of sin is addicting. Experts say that it is “the fastest growing addiction in the world, and is the addiction of choice among Christians.”
How tragic! It’s one of the reasons so many outside of the church point to us as a bunch of hypocrites. And it has to be angering and breaking the heart of God. As God’s children, we’re God’s Holy Temple, so whatever dirt we bring into our lives, we’re throwing at God as well.
“Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body” (1 Corinthians 6:18-20).
So don’t try to normalize any sexual behavior that dishonors God and your wife —justifying it as “harmless” or “only natural” or saying that it “isn’t a big deal” — because it is a big deal. You give the enemy of our faith a foothold every time you entertain your sexual appetite apart from enjoying your wife alone in your sexuality.
I personally made the decision a number of years ago to flee from feeding this type of behavior. It’s a continual battle, but it’s worth it. For me, that means turning away from TV, media ads, and any images that are the least bit suggestive.
It means that I “starve” my eyes to such an extent that whenever a woman or an image of a woman begins to tempt me to think impure thoughts, I instantly remove my eyes and my mind away from it as many times as it takes until it is gone. It’s a matter of starving that which I don’t want to grow. I only want to feed that which is beneficial to the health of my marriage and my spiritual life.
If I look like a fool to others, I don’t care. I’m not viewed as a fool to those most important to me — my God and my wife. I came to realize that holiness and purity are achieved by a series of choices that I make every day.
For me, the choices that help me are (1) “To set no vile thing before my eyes” (Psalm 101:3) and (2) “To put to death sexual immorality, impurity, lust, and evil desires” (Colossians 3:5-6).
Men, I pray you will join me in making the choice to live according to God’s standards for purity.
- Become accountable with another man whom you can trust to hold your feet to the fire over this serious matter.
- Search for the help God can bring your way for a “way of escape” when you are faced with temptation.
- Please take advantage of that which we offer on this web site. We have many web site links and recommended resources that could greatly help you win this battle.
- And above all else, pray for purity as David did in Psalm 51:10, “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.”
Women: I (Cindy) want to add something to help you as well. I urge you to follow the advice of Laura Hall, who wrote the book, An Affair of the Mind… One Woman’s Courageous Battle to Salvage Her Family from the Devastation of Pornography. In it she said,
“Don’t condemn yourself. A husband will work hard at convincing his wife and others that the addiction [to pornography] is her fault. He does this to lessen his own guilt, but don’t subscribe to such thinking. Beating yourself up is nonproductive and pointless. It also invites self-pity and therefore sin.”
“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1).
As authors Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus says in their book, “Intimate Issues”:
“God doesn’t want us to condemn ourselves. Neither does He want us to deceive ourselves into thinking we’re perfect. We should always be open to correction and change, but God’s way of achieving transformation is through LOVING instruction, not brutal condemnation.
“How are you doing with the battle in your mind? Are you refusing to ‘compare’ and ‘condemn?’ Are you thinking right? If so, you’re free to begin ‘doing.’ The first item on the ‘to do list’ is to increase your understanding and its dangers.”
Husbands and wives: We pray you will flee from sexual temptation and sin, do what you can to sexually enjoy each other only, refrain from even the “appearance of evil” and educate yourselves on these matters. Do it for your sake and also to someday help to educate your children before their minds become exposed to things that can draw them into such addictions that can ruin their lives and marriages.
Steve and Cindy Wright
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(USA) I thank the Lord for giving us the gift of brilliant preachers!l
(DEUTSCHLAND) I browse and saw you website and I found it very interesting.Thank you for the good work, greetingso
(AUSTRALIA) Your work is marvelous!!+
(RSA) I have been involved with a man that divorced his wife because he has been unhappy for a few years. We have been friends for a while before the divorce but I am honestly not the cause of the break-up. I have suffered a lot since and then because I was blamed for the break-up. The ONLY thing we did wrong was to move in together, only because at the time he did not have a place to stay for a number of reasons.
We connected to a church where nobody judged us but only tried to encourage us to do what was right. We have been on the ‘road’ again striving to serve God and because we want to do what is right, will be getting married now. We are expecting a baby and we are so very very happy. We want to make right what we doing wrong so we refuse to live together while not being married. We have also been attending marital counseling for a few months now. PLEASE GIVE YOUR HONEST INPUT OR ANY QUESTIONS & I WILL REPLY WITH AN OPEN MIND.
(S. AFRICA) Dear Angel, You have asked for an honest input so here is what I have to say. I am the wife suffering at the moment "because my husband is supposedly unhappy in this marriage" and has moved out to think??? Another women like you stepped in "as a friend" to him and there is now talk of a divorce from me and marriage to her.
The only thing you did wrong you say was to move in together – Oh Boy!! Sorry to say, but you Knew he was married at the time and should have sent him straight back to live with his wife. This was a very big mistake and I am sorry but you are very much partly to blame for his divorce. You say you both joined a church and were encouraged to do "what was right" What advice did the church give you and did you embrace it? You now say you are expecting his baby and still have to get married.
I am sorry if I am coming across too strongly but I am hurting so badly at the moment because of the consequences such as the above. My heart bleeds for his ex-wife. I know what she must be going through.
I am not here to judge but I fear for you. What you both did was wrong in Gods eyes. The only way you can make right is to repent. He needs to go back to his wife and you need to draw on Gods love, strength and forgiveness and move on. You are God’s child and he loves you. What he did to his first wife is a strong indication as to what he is likely to do to you.
Thank you for your honesty. Maybe I am not thinking clearly because I am hurting so much at the moment. I would love a reply from you and will endeavor to understand from "the other woman’s" point of view.
Remember when you take your marriage vows you will have to hear the words "those that are joined together before God LET NO MAN PUT ASUNDER."
(USA) Steve and Cindy, Your reading list has been helpful to thousands who have struggled with the issue of sexual sin in their marriage. May I suggest two other books that have been updated to reflect the struggles of the 21st century? "Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction" by Mark Laaser is a rewrite of his intuitive book first written in 1992. and "Shattered Vows" by Deb Laaser is still very new to the marketplace but is a must read for any wife who is dealing with an unfaithful husband.
(AUSTRALIA) Steve and Cindy – Thank you for your wisdom and insight to such relevant marital issues. I appreciate your work in the ministry!
I’m an almost 47-year old woman, married 17 years, 3 kids (6 to 12), and at the moment we are living in a bungalow while building a house, so there is really no privacy. I hope you will be addressing wives of husbands who don’t seem interested in physical intimacy because that’s what I’m dealing with, so ultimately I have continual mind issues. I appreciate therefore what Steve said about making choices to not put vile things in front of our eyes, and to put to death sexual immorality and lust, etc. I pray constantly to have a pure thought life, but it’s not easy!
There are several factors that keep us from being intimate more than once a month, maybe – tiredness, lack of privacy, physical discomfort – and it’s all on my husband’s side, and I can get frustrated with this lack of intimacy and can take it personally. It gets to the point that I won’t go to bed until he’s asleep so I won’t get rejected and disappointed.
I guess I need some encouragement and ideas on how to discuss this with my husband, how to voice my concern and needs, without making him feel threatened, and what to do on my part to stay pure. Thanks and God bless.
(USA) Thank you for your kind comments. I’m so sorry to read of the sexual problems you’re having in your marriage. What you are suffering from is actually happening in more homes than the media lets on. I can only imagine how very difficult this must be for you. My heart is with you on this.
I encourage you to check out the article “When the Husband Has a Low Sex Drive” posted in the Sexual Issues section. I pray you find help for your marriage relationship as you pray through and read the article as well as the linked articles that are also included. No matter what, I pray you will guard your heart and won’t allow your husbands unresponsiveness, to be a green light to lower your guard, thus, lowering your Christian standards. God will bless you in other ways for your sufferings. I’ve seen this time and again.
(RSA) To Jan of Australia, I pray that Jehovah will give you the strength to pull through this one. I am a 37 year old woman (been married 16 years) and 5 years ago I experienced a time in our marriage when my husband was simply not interested or too tired. He was hardly at home as his job involved a lot of traveling and he only spent a week — just a weekend at home every 30 days. To my surprise, the few days he was at home, he preferred to sleep on the couch and catch up on all the soccer matches showing on TV instead of coming to bed with me. Any attempts I made at discussing the issue, he merely brushed off as the usual ‘nagging’.
Although Steve was addressing the men, when he spoke about making a choice to ‘flee from sexual immorality’, I found myself in a situation where I had to make a personal commitment to run away from tempting situations which surrounded me in my daily activities and work. I confided in my prayer partner (who is also my sister in law and sister in Christ) and we prayed about it regularly. I found it very embarrassing to tell my pastor that I was struggling with impure thoughts, but I guess the Holy Spirit gave him an idea what to pray about concerning me. So Jan, I sincerely pray that God will bring people in your life who are willing to pray with you through this one. The battle is easier when you are accountable to someone else.
Thanks Steve & Cindy, your website has been a great source of inspiration and encouragement to me. Be blessed!
(KENYA) Dear Steve and Cindy, Thank you for all the work you’re doing. It’s a real blessing in my life, and my friends’ lives. I always share the information I get from your newsletter and website. May God continue to add to you His blessings each day.
To the wives and husbands hurting because of unfaithfulness, or divorce: only God can grant them the wisdom to make the right choices, and the peace to go thru these difficult times. I hope they will get wise counselors who will guide them thru these circumstances. Thanks, God bless you