Marriage Missions Editors Note: Following this article there will be web site links to other articles you can read on this same subject.
When you find yourself connecting with another person who starts becoming in even the smallest way a substitute for your marital partner, you’ve started traveling a dangerous road. So, how do you protect yourself—and your marriage?
Here are some principles many have found helpful:
1. Know your boundaries. You should put fences around your heart and protect the sacred ground that is reserved only for your spouse. Barbara and I are careful to share our deepest feelings, needs, and difficulties only with each other and not with friends of the opposite sex.
2. Realize the power of the eyes. They are the “windows of your soul.” Pull the shades down if you sense someone is pausing a little too long in front of those windows. It’s true that good eye contact is necessary for fruitful communication, but there is a deep type of look that must be reserved for only one person: your mate.
Frankly, I don’t trust myself. Some women may think I’m insecure because I don’t hold eye contact too long, but that’s not it at all. I simply don’t trust my humanity. I’ve seen what has happened to others, and I know it could happen to me.
3. Beware of isolation and concealment. One strategy of the enemy is to isolate you from your spouse, by tempting you to keep secrets from your mate. Barbara and I both realize the danger of concealment in our marriage. We work hard at bringing things out into the open and discussing them. Our closets are empty.
4. Extinguish any chemical reactions that may have begun. A friendship with the opposite sex that is beginning to meet needs your mate should be meeting must be ended quickly. A simple rule of chemistry is this: To stop a chemical reaction, remove one of the elements. It may be painful or embarrassing at first, but it isn’t as painful as suffering the results of temptation that has given birth to sin.
Ruth Senter wrote an article for Partnership Magazine entitled simply, “Rick.” It was an incredibly honest examination of a godly wife’s encounter and ensuing friendship with a Christian man she met in a graduate class. Her struggle and godly response to this temptation were graphically etched in a letter that ended that relationship. She wrote,
“Friendship is always going somewhere unless it’s dead. You and I both know where ours is going. When a relationship threatens the stability of commitments we’ve made to the people we value the most, it can no longer be.”
5. Ask God to remind you how important it is to fear Him. The fear of God has turned me from many a temptation. it would be one thing if another person learned I had compromised my vows, but it’s quite another thing to realize that God’s throne would have a knowledge of my disloyalty to Barbara faster than the speed of light.
It has been said that a “secret sin on earth is open scandal in heaven.” My Heavenly Father and my earthly father are there right now. Thinking of hurting them keeps me pure.
The above article came from the book, Staying Close… Stopping the Natural Drift Toward Isolation in Marriage, by Dennis Rainey, published by WORD Publishing. This book won the Gold Medallion Book Award in recognition of excellence in evangelical Christian literature so it’s highly recognized as being a powerful book for those who are married. It helps those of us who are married to learn how to pull together instead of drift apart.
Included in this book are proven principles and hands-on exercises to help you: Understand the cultural and personal forces that isolate you from each other… manage your schedules, workloads, roles, and responsibilities without losing sight of each other… allow for (and enjoy) individual differences while maintaining unity… build an atmosphere of cooperation by meeting each other more than half way… “affair-proof” your relationship (or heal it after the fact)… grow closer during hard times instead of letting your troubles pull you apart… and leave a legacy of love and unity to your family and friends—among many other practical helps for your marriage.
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• 8 SAFEGUARDS AGAINST GETTING TOO CLOSE
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(KENYA) Emotional Adultery is something that one may not notice at the beginning until it has gone way far. Sometimes it may appear like just some innocent closeness. Married friends, pray for your day that God will care for you. Satan comes like a good thing.
(USA) I believe that there is such a thing as "emotional adultery" because my husband did that to me. He carried on a phone affair with my first cousin for a month and a half. It hurt me so much because he would talk at times for over a half hour to her and when I would call him, he’d say after three minutes that he would have to get back to work.
After I found out (from his cell phone bill) about the affair, he blamed me and said he did nothing wrong because he didn’t have sex with her! It hurt me just as much as it would have if he did actually have sex with her. And to make matters worse, I was already pregnant and we planned the baby. He called her from our bedroom while I was in the living room watching t.v.! For all you out there who think that there isn’t such a thing –wait until it happens to you!
(USA) Hi, I just saw a pastor preach on this subject and was very happy I could come hear and read about it. I will say I have had this kind of thing happen to me many times over my life and did not even know what it was tell now.
I have been saved for 26 years and have just in the past 5 years experienced leaders in church settings crossing the line on this subject with me or maybe it is just me thinking it is going in the direction for I have a real hard time getting attention from other men other then my husband of 16 years … I feel that sometimes leaders in churches get an ego rush when women need help in emotional areas… not until now did I know what was going on or what to call it … so thank you so much for having more info for me to read.
(NIGERIA) Thank you for bringing up this subject. One thing I have noticed is that very few people are aware that there is such a thing as emotional infidelity. More emphasis is always placed on the physical act.
I believe the difficult part is actually confronting your partner with the issue, especially if he is not aware that such a thing as emotional infidelity exists.
(NIGERIA) I just experienced this in my relationship. My wedding is in six months and I just found out she was getting emotionally attached to somebody at work. I would call and get a tired response and then she would pick her phone up after my call and used up her credit calling him. The truth is that only God can help in this kind of situation. We are working at healing the relationship now…
(UAE) So many people still refuse to accept the concept. It happened to me. I agree it feels just as bad as if your husband had slept with the other person. Why is it easier for men to open up to other women and not their own wife and then say it’s in your head, nothing happened we didn’t sleep together, like that is suppose to make it better?