“We’re complex beings, capable of sending complex and often confusing messages. The knots of our relationships are directly influenced by the tangles on the inside or the inner conflict within our heart, mind, will, and emotions.” (Dallas and Nancy Demmitt)

That statement is a mouthful in itself! Re-read it again to really take in what it really means as we try to relate to our spouse through the “tangles” of conflict within.

We’d like to share with you some excerpts from an excellent book called, “Can You Hear Me Now?” by Dr Dallas Demmitt and Nancy Demmitt (Cook Communications). We’ve read a lot of books on communication but this one is definitely one of the best. It teaches you how to “anchor yourself spiritually” as you explore the depths of your spouse’s heart.

The Bible teaches us to “speak the truth in love” but too often our actions speak louder than our words. We need to “remove the mental barriers” that prevent us from speaking and listening to each other “through the filter of God’s grace.”

With that in mind we’d like to share a few thoughts from the above mentioned book. We hope it will prompt you to get a copy for yourselves because we can hardly do much justice to the subject and still be brief. We can only give you nuggets of information. We pray however that God will help you to see the bigger picture of speaking and listening respectfully to each other “as imitators of God.”

The following excerpts were preceded by a story of “Eric” and “Carol.”

Carol had been trying to get Eric to listen to her all day. He rolled his eyes and put the paper down and said to her, “Okay, I’ll listen.” She then said, “What’s wrong with you?” Sounding defensive he said, “What do you mean what’s wrong with me? I’m listening. Let’s have it. What do you want to say?” She stomped out of the room in anger.

Eric, confused, walked after her saying, “Hey, I was willing to listen. What’s your problem?” The authors, referring to Eric said, “His lips said one thing, but his nonverbal communication gave a different message: ‘Don’t bother me.” Have you found yourselves caught up in similar situations with each other? The following is some of the advice the authors gave:

“When you’re in the midst of conflict, your body has a way of ‘telling on you.’ It leaks information that you may not want it to say. Sometimes you’re not even aware that the conflict is evident to anyone else. For example, Eric was unaware that his body was talking and that his nonverbal expressions conflicted with his words. His body language seemed to say, ‘Leave me alone,’ though his actual words were ‘I’m listening.’

“Carol responded in a natural manner. When someone is deciding which message is the truth—the actual words or what you see and tone of voice—research shows most people respond to the non -verbal message. Carol walked away feeling hurt and anger from the tone of Eric’s voice and the way he rolled his eyes.

“The reason we don’t recognize the impact of our tone of voice is that we hear what we FEEL like, not what we SOUND like.”

“In the opening story, Eric used words to say he was ready to talk, but his body language didn’t agree with his worlds. The first step in the skill of focusing involves determining ‘Am I able to focus right now?’ and ‘Do I want to listen right now?’ If you don’t want to listen for any reason, it’s better to communicate this reluctance rather than send a mixed message, which leaves both participants feeling hurt and confused.

“Eric could have said something like, “My head’s not into hearing you right now, Carol. It’s nothing personal. I’m just bummed out at the moment. Give me 20 minutes to regroup and I’m all yours.’ If Eric had used this type of message, Carol wouldn’t have to wonder which message to choose: what he said or what he did. And she could choose to respond differently.

Possibly Carol could have offered to listen to Eric for a short time and help him deal with his bummed-out feelings. And if later in the day Eric doesn’t offer to talk, Carol can ask for a specific time when his head and his heart are ready to listen.

“Because listening requires your full attention and adequate energy, tell the speaker if you’re too tired to do justice to what he wants to say to you. Listening is hard work and requires heavy concentration along with committed energy. One element that causes fatigue for the listener is that you can process information at around 300 - 500 words per minute.

Speakers, however, can only talk about 200 words per minute. Therefore your mind tends to wander —daydreaming, going on mental tangents, or working on other pressing issues in your life.

“If you’re too tired or distracted at the moment the speaker wants to talk then say so (in a polite, respectful manner). No one, except God, can always be on call for listening.

The important thing is that you know how to listen and are committed to using your skills in the relationship. Tell the speaker that you want to hear him, but at a later time. Then schedule a specific time when you’ll be available. If you’re rarely—or never—available to listen to the other person, perhaps the relationship isn’t a high priority in your life” (and you need to work on setting your priorities straight).

The book goes on to tell about the importance of body language and “open posture and eye contact” because “as much as 93% of the message the speaker will give you is nonverbal communication” so “you’ll need to see as well as hear what the speaker is saying.”

It gives so much other valuable information and training but we want to end this message by focusing on a point that you may consider using in your own communication with each other. As the authors say, “touch may not be appropriate in many settings, but when the speaker is someone close to you (as your spouse should be), touch can be very reassuring.” They go on to say that, “Also, touch makes it more difficult to maintain anger.

On occasion we’ve asked angry married partners to sit back to back, leaning against each other while they take turns talking and listening to one another. This can help break down some of the hostility they’ve been transmitting to each other nonverbally, while also connecting them emotionally and physically through touch.” (Why not try this method for yourselves and see if it’s helpful in your relationship?)

We pray this information will help you to live with each other in respectful, considerate, Christ-honoring ways “regarding each other as more important than yourself.”

In Christ,
Steve and Cindy Wright

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