“Each of you should look not only to your own interests,
but also to the interests of others” (Philippians 2:4).

After my husband and I first reconciled, my daughter Laura walked in the door one day, her dancing. “I heard a new song on the radio by Shania Twain. It should be Daddy’s and your song! It’s called ‘You’re Still the One.’”

A warm glow spread through me. Laura was right. The agonizing nights were over. The fears, the doubts were behind me. But as I looked into her smiling eyes, I remembered that this story wasn’t just about my husband and me. The story of our daughters and the impact all of this had on them was there too. Their lives and hearts were affected just as ours were. But because of their youth, they often didn’t know how it was affecting them or how to respond to it.

When we are buried in our own grief, it’s hard to see the pain of our children. We think of ourselves as the victims and our children as mere bystanders—observers. But they are victims too. What they thought was rock has turned to sand. The safety net that should protect them and give them security has sprung a gaping hole.

As we reel within a world that is turning upside down, so do they. Whether they are toddlers or young adults, our children walk along behind us, the dust we kick up flying in their faces, the garbage of our words becoming sour food in their minds, our silences and insensitivities spinning a web of confusion and disconnectedness over their souls.

Sometimes their confused emotions cause them to drift into actions that alarm us. They may pull away in rebellion or sink into depression or isolation. These are the innocents we love with every fiber of our being. How do we keep from hurting them?

First and more important, seek God to make sure you are going in the direction he would lead. You need to stay in his will. And each day, pray a hedge of protection around your children.

It is hard to comprehend the vulnerability children feel, which causes them to think your marriage problems are their fault. It is important to continually reassure them that this crisis is not their fault. Reinforce this to them throughout the turmoil —because they may not hear it or believe it the first time you say it.

In this out-of-control setting, keep life as normal as possible to preserve the children’s sense of security. Be available, listen to them, and let them express their own upset feelings without judging them. This will give them the freedom to deal with their grief more honestly. Since you may not be able to listen to their pain without being distracted by your own, give them the freedom to share with friends. It may seem awkward, but remember that this is their crisis too.

You also need to keep them in the loop, letting them know the general scope of what is going on without sharing details they don’t need to know. Resist the temptation to demonize their father or disparage or minimize their father’s love for them. They need his love just as they need yours.

Your own intense anguish needs to be expressed in healthy forums. This is an opportunity for them to see God’s supernatural power at work in you as you meet each day. If they see you looking to God and finding healthy outlets, such as friends or counselors, during this time of distress, your present pain can eventually bear fruit in your children’s lives in years to come.

But in the midst of it all, you also need to give yourself a lot of grace —forgiving yourself for failures and asking your children for forgiveness as well. You cannot —and will not —be perfect. Pray with them for wisdom, strength, mercy, and understanding. They have their own path to walk, and as they navigate around the shards of their mom and dad’s broken relationship, they too can use this part of the journey to learn and grow. You can diminish their pain by giving God center stage and letting him lead in his way and on his schedule.

Lord, protect my children. Place a hedge around them and keep them in the circle of your love. It’s hard for me to see their pain when I am in the midst of mine. Give me the wisdom and sensitivity to listen and affirm them and steer them around the potholes in the road.

The above article is written by Linda W. Rooks and comes from the excellent book, “Broken Heart on Hold… Surviving Separation” published by Life Journey. As Linda writes about this book, Broken Heart on Hold is meant to be a friend to walk beside you through the labyrinths of your confusion and pain. It is not a quick fix or a prescription for how to solve your problems. It is intended to be a daily companion in your crisis. It is not a book to be picked up and read through once and then set on the shelf. Rather, I suggest you read one selection each day and let the devotional thoughts sink into your heart and mind. Mull it over. Chew it up. Then the following day go on to the next.”

You can also visit Linda’s Web site at www.brokenheartonhold.com where she has “individually formatted a number of Bible verses for your strength and encouragement.” As she says, “From my Web site you can download full-color pages of whatever Scripture you choose and post it on your wall, mirror, or refrigerator so you can see it regularly and be encouraged. When our minds are spinning in different directions, being reminded of a Scripture can lead us to a more peaceful and healthy path.” Preview or Buy This Book Now.