Everyone should be quick to listen,
slow to speak and slow to become angry.
(James 1:19)

Are you having difficulty communicating with each other so you’re able to bridge your differences somehow?

Below you will find several different communication tools that could help you in your marriage so you’re able to hear each other better when you really need to. (Hopefully it will help you to become slower “to become angry.”)

Just like in a tool box you’ll find that you don’t use every tool every day, you’ll find the same for the communication tools that are listed below.

Use whatever you find helpful with the situation you’re dealing with whenever you need extra help:

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THE CREATIVE NUMBER TECHNIQUE:

(From the book, Men Read Newspapers Not Minds —by Sandra Aldrich,
published by Tyndale House Publisher)

When needing clarification on the importance of a matter to your spouse have your spouse point to how they really feel over a matter.

#1: “I really don’t want to do this.”

#2: “I don’t want to do this, but I’m willing to talk about it.”

#3: “I don’t care one way or another.”

#4: “I’d like to do this, but I won’t die if we don’t.”

#5: “Yes, this is very, very important to me.”

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THE PENCIL METHOD:

(This comes from the book, Happily Ever After, by Toben and Joanne Heim)

• Whoever holds the pencil gets to do the talking.

• The other person may ask clarifying questions but that’s all.

• Flip a coin and get started.

• Whoever has the pencil should try only to make feeling statements — “I feel this way when you …”

• After the person with the pencil has said all he or she has to say, pass the pencil.

A further insight from one of the authors of this method Toben Heim:

Question: Do you think couples should seek counseling for conflict? Tom: This may sound too simple, but seek counseling when the pencil technique or its equivalent doesn’t work. If you’re trying to listen to each other but it just isn’t working, or if the issue is so hot that you’re simply unable to listen to each other, then it’s time to get a third-party mediator to help you work through it. Some couples may think it’s a sign of weakness to get that kind of help, but just the opposite is true. It’s a sign of strength. I have couples that come to me for help after 15 years regarding an issue they’ve struggled with for every one of those 15 years. And others come in after a month of marriage. Who do you think is better off?

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THE FIFTEEN MINUTE TIME-OUT RULE:
(Explained by Joanne Heim,
from the book, Happily Ever After, published by Kregel Publications.)

• [My husband] Toben promises that he won’t say a word for 15 whole minutes.

• At that point I am able to calmly explain why my feelings are hurt as well as being able to listen and understand as Toben then explains his side of the story.

We don’t use the “Fifteen Minute Time-Out Rule” very much, but it helps me immensely to know it’s there if I need it. And it saved a lot of hurt feelings and words that couldn’t be taken back during our early years of marriage.

I hate to admit it, but when I start feeling backed into a corner, I lash out. I say mean, hurtful, and ugly things that I end up regretting. And as Meg Ryan’s character said in the movie, You’ve Got Mail, there’s no reason to say those kinds of things to someone — no matter what he’s done (or what you think he’s done) to deserve it.

Paul said much the same thing in 1 Thessalonians (as interpreted in The Message):

“And be careful that when you get on each other’s nerves you don’t snap at each other. Look for the best in each other, and always do your best to bring it out” (1 Thessalonians 5:15).

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The GIFT EXERCISE:
Helping Couples Understand their Frustrations with Each Other
-From Soul Healing Love and How to Find Mr. or Mrs. Right 

To read what this exercise involves please click onto the link provided below:

The GIFT Exercise 

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To read what this principle involves, we will link you to the web site of Peacemakers Ministries. Please click onto the link below to do so:

The P.A.U.S.E. Principle

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PEACEFULLY RESOLVING ANGER:

(From the book, The Other Side of Love, by Dr Gary Chapman
published by Moody Press, pages 122-123)

On a 3X5 card, write the following words:

“I’m feeling angry right now but don’t worry, I’m not going to attack you. But I do need your help. Is it a good time to talk?”

Put this card on the refrigerator door or some other easily accessible place. The next time you feel anger toward your spouse, run for the card. Holding it in your hand, read it to your spouse as calmly as you can.

• If it’s not “a good time to talk,” then set a time to talk.

• At the appointed time, begin the process of seeking explanation and resolution of the issue that stimulated your anger.

…When you sit down to discuss the issue, begin by saying, “I know that I could be misunderstanding this and that’s why I wanted to talk with you. Let me tell you what I am feeling and why. Then if you can clarify the situation, please do so because I need help in resolving this.” Such a beginning creates a non-threatening atmosphere in which to discuss the event that stimulated your anger.

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To put this contract together, it would be helpful if you read an article written by Michael Smalley. In it, he explains the reasoning behind this principle and how to put this type of contract together. To read this article, please click onto the link provided below:

• Creating Relational Security Through an Anti-Divorce Contract

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