In his series, The Purpose of the Male Man, Dr. Myles Munroe (one of my favorite motivators) expounds on how God has created and designed the ‘male’ man to be a cultivator. Genesis 2:15 says, “And then the Lord God took the man and put him into the Garden of Eden to cultivate it and keep it.”
Cultivate means to make something grow, produce, and increase. Dr. Munroe says that the original assignment God left for Adam was for him to make the garden better.
In this, we men also find our assignment. God placed Adam in the Garden of Eden. Where has God placed you? Who has God placed you with?
As husbands, I want to encourage us all to cultivate our wives! Brothers, let’s rise to the occasion to help our wives bloom and blossom into something much more than they are today—that both their inner and outer beauty would continually increase.
And, I do not mean trying to ‘change’ her. But when a gardener tends his garden, he gives to it. He tills the soil; he waters it regularly; he doesn’t allow weeds to grow; he applies the right fertilizers (nutrients); and he kills off all harmful pests.
Because he loves his garden and wants its beauty to flourish, he’ll do anything it takes, and do it faithfully.
How can we cultivate our wives? I want to recommend something from Dr. Gary Chapman. In his book, The Five Love Languages (How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate). He encourages us to understand the “love language” spoken by our spouse. He highlights five ways people express and receive love:
• Words of Affirmation: encouragement through words (can be verbal or written).
• Quality Time: focused and intentional time spent together.
• Receiving Gifts: gifts are visual symbols of love.
• Acts of Service: doing something to meet a practical need for the other person.
• Physical Touch: hugs, rubs, kisses, strokes, and touch that conveys warmth and affection.
Dr. Chapman says that it’s important for us to know what our spouse’s primary love language is —and not to just use the expression that we naturally favor, but to relate to our spouse in the language that is their primary language.
Some ways you can discover your wife’s love language are: by observing to see how she expresses love; or by experimenting to see which of these expressions of love she best responds to when you use it on her. Another way is by simply asking (don’t be shy to ask).
How’s her love tank?
Dr Chapman also borrows a term from Dr. Ross Campbell, a child psychologist, who says “Inside every child is an ‘emotional tank’ waiting to be filled with love.” This is likened to the oil tank in a vehicle. In order to run smoothly, it needs to be full and well maintained. The same is true for our marriages. How’s your wife’s emotional love tank?
Brothers, it might be time for all of us to check on that tank! It’s easy for us guys to get caught up in cars, sports, hobbies, and television. Hopefully, we are not spending more time on these than we are making deposits into our wife’s love tank! Chapman says that we can expect “people to behave differently when their emotional love tanks are full.”
Let’s really surprise and bless our wives by using her primary love language, filling up her love tank, and making a commitment to ourselves to cultivate her all year round!
Also commit to telling one friend about your cultivation pledge and plan. And, then call out the cultivator in him as well!
The above article comes from a Bless Your Marriage Letter (February 2006), written and compiled by Willie Quan. These short easy-to-read one page monthly newsletters are composed to encourage men as husbands. Each letter includes practical ideas, resources, and motivation to bless your marriage. As Willie says, “because life gets so busy, we so easily get distracted from what’s important to us —our marriages. So we need reminders, resources, encouragements, and even accountability.” You can sign up to receive these Marriage Letters by going to his web site at www.blessyourmarriage.com.
Willie Quan and his wife Elana live in the San Francisco Bay Area in California.
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2 comments so far ↓
1 Eric // Mar 25, 2008 at 2:07 am
(SINGAPORE) Is the cultivating done as a partnership, i.e. the wife needs to know that we’re attempting to do so? How effective is it if it’s a one-way attempt… that is, we husbands do it, and wait for a response from the wife?
2 Will // Apr 4, 2008 at 8:48 am
(USA) Continuing on with the floral and garden analogy–some plants bloom with little sun light, water, and tending, while others need much much more care and attention. I recently heard that it takes bamboo 7 years to bloom–it’s first 6 years and 7 months are underground, and then it sprouts 1 foot a day for the next 90 days.
I do not necessarily think that "cultivating" needs to be communicated. When you are cultivating your wife, she will know. It might not be right away when you see any changes or get any responses. If you sow, you will reap in due season. However, I agree with your thought about the partnership and communication being good, because it is important that we do get feedback on what is working or not. SO, it wouldn’t hurt to ask her if she notices any changes in you.
In my own marriage, I have seen changes (responses) come in a matter of weeks and at other times in a matter of years. But again, it’s good to get feedback and encouragement –we men need that too!
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