How do you deal in your marriage, with the death of a child you never had the opportunity to hold in your arms? And yet you held them, and will always hold them, in your heart. How does any human being emotionally deal with such a grievous loss?
Tragically, so many couples deal with this horrible situation every day — losing their baby before the 20th week of pregnancy, commonly called a “miscarriage.” Even the word “miscarriage” brings with it the thought that the parent will “miss” being able to “carry” their baby physically, this side of heaven. And yet, they will always carry the baby emotionally in their hearts.
For those of you who are grieving through this loss, the emotional effects upon your marriage and upon each of you as individuals, can vary greatly.
“Sometimes a husband may blame his wife, or the wife may even blame her husband. Confusion and hurt can develop and cause great tension in a marriage if they are not handled properly” (Elizabeth Honeycutt, who developed Babygrief.com).
That is why it is extremely important to give each other the grace, space, empathy, and help that is needed so the grieving process doesn’t push you farther apart as a married couple, rather than draw you closer together as partners who work together through every tragedy that is encountered.
There’s something that Christi Bear wrote, that you might consider about all of this. It comes from the article “Understanding Miscarriage” (posted on www.troubledwith.com):
“It’s common to experience extreme sadness, anger, guilt and anxiety about future pregnancies. There is no ‘typical’ time-frame for emotional recovery; every woman experiences the grieving process in her own way and travels the road to healing at her own pace. While it’s important to allow time and personal ’space’ for grieving, if the grief becomes too overwhelming — leading to a more serious episode of depression and despondency — it may be necessary to get professional help.
“Fathers, too, are profoundly affected by the loss of a child. Unfortunately, a common misconception regarding miscarriage and stillbirth is that only the mother is affected. Women often feel more freedom to cry and express their grief, whereas men tend to feel pressure to ‘remain strong’ and may busy themselves with work or other activities in an effort to deal with their grief.
“Because men and women typically express their emotions and process their grief differently, it’s important for both parents to communicate their feelings to one another, helping to avoid the added pain of misunderstandings.”
John and Sylvia Van Regenmorter wrote something about this in their book, When the Cradle is Empty, that could help to explain the pain and tension that a miscarriage can bring into the marriage:
“The following reactions are common among women: ‘Does my husband feel as badly as I do about our baby? Does he know that since our baby died, I hate having sex? Why do I feel so unattractive? Why is becoming pregnant again such an obsession for me, but not for him?’
“Conversely, it’s not uncommon for the husband to think, ‘I have to be strong for my wife’s sake. She’ll only grieve more if I show my emotions, so I’ll keep my thoughts to myself. Why has she withdrawn sex? Is she blaming me? I know she wants to become pregnant again, but I’m afraid of what losing another baby would do to her. It seems like she’s crying all the time, and it’s really getting to me. I wish we could be happy again, like we were before the baby died.’”
John and Sylvia go on to give suggestions for walking through the loss of a baby like personalizing your baby, not rushing through to “move on” before you are ready, and bringing “your turmoil to God.” But they also suggest that you “grieve in your own way.” They write:
“Greg Bodin, director of pastoral care at North Medical Center in Robbinsdale, Minnesota, has worked with hundreds of families who’ve experienced miscarriage, still-birth, or early infant death. He and his wife have also suffered the loss of two children through miscarriage and stillbirth. Among the things he’s learned are:
• Loss is uniquely personal. There is no typical response or ‘right’ reaction to a pregnancy loss or death of a newborn.
• Feel the freedom to grieve in your own way. Don’t let anyone prescribe how you should feel, and don’t try to adapt your feelings to the expectations of others.
• Remember that the length of pregnancy doesn’t correlate to the grief felt. Some parents experience a great sense of loss even though the pregnancy was short-term.”
“Many couples feel the grief over miscarriage or stillbirth years after the loss,” Elizabeth Honeycutt from Babygrief.com says. “Others close up their feelings and try their best to move forward. For those who have felt the personal pain of losing a baby, the emotions, questions and grief need to be felt, answered, and worked through.”
To help those of you who are living through the pain and confusion that this experience brings into your life, we have found several articles posted on different web sites, written by those who have experienced miscarriage, firsthand. We pray they will minister to your hearts and your marriage relationship. You will find the links posted below.
The following article is written by Laura Mills, and is featured on the Today’s Christian Woman web site. Please click onto the following link to read:
The following article, written by Lisa Brock, is featured on the web site Troubledwith.com. Please click onto the link below to read what Lisa learned about:
This next article is written by Jennifer Maze Brown and is featured on the web site for Today’s Christian Woman. Please click onto the link provided below to read:
The following article, featured on the web site for Marriage Partnership Magazine, is written by Bob Perry, and gives insight into what a husband was able to learn after his wife suffered a miscarriage. To read, please click onto the link provided below:
This next article, which is featured on the Stepping Stones ministry web site (Bethany.org), talks about the “Do’s” and “Don’ts” women want others to know about, as it pertains to approaching them after a miscarriage. To read, please click onto the link below:
The following article is written by Cyndie Odya-Weis, and is featured on the Stepping Stones ministry web site (Bethany.org), and talks about the feelings she has for her three children in heaven that she lost through miscarriage. To read, please click onto the link below:
This last article is written by Una McManus, as told to her by Mary Cunningham Agee, and is featured on the web site for Today’s Christian Woman. Please click onto the link provided below to read how miscarriage birthed a ministry to unwed mothers:
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(ZIMBABWE) This article resonated with me so much because I too have had to deal with 3 miscarriages as well as secondary infertility for the last five years. I live in a culture where children are of paramount importance in a marriage, so imagine how tough it is having to deal with this every single day! God has blessed me with a loving kind and wonderful hubby but I sometimes feel like I have failed him as a wife. Only my faith in God keeps me going.
The pain of waiting on God and watching him bless other people who got married after me gets to me. So many times I have questioned myself, why me? Did I do something wrong? What should I do? Is God hearing me when I pray? I feel alone. The loneliness just gets to me.
Maybe there are other women like me out there with testimonies of how in the midst of this pain, they have had their miracle babies or have found comfort somehow in dealing with their situation. It would be nice to hear and share so that I also can continue to keep hope alive. Tatenda 27
(USA) My wife and had a still born son 30 years ago. At the time I felt it was very important for me not to show any emotion or weakness at that time. I never "dealt" with it at that time. Now 30 years later I finally apologized to my wife for being so cold and unconcerned. She told me that she felt that it was a non-issue for me and she felt alone and abandoned. That is exactly how I dealt with it –by not dealing with it. It has taken 30 years to resolve this between us. I am glad we have finally done so.
(USA) Rob, I am going through that now. My husband and I lost a child in March 2009. He is the same, cold and unconcerned. On top of that, his sister lost a child and he wants to go mourn. I hope he too can resolve this within himself. We have a beautiful 15 year old daughter. She is wonderful and keeps us busy. But I just want the comfort and not the cold, stiff arm I’m receiving.
(USA) I gave birth to a stillborn little girl, Abigail, on Thanksgiving Day. I cannot describe the pain – emotional pain. I truly don’t know how to deal with it. I am not angry with God, but I am with myself and Satan. I did not care for myself like I did with my first child, assuming all would be okay. This marks my third pregnancy in 3 years with one success. So for him I am thankful.
The thought of having more children does not erase how crazy it was to see my dead child after carrying her for 5 months. I cry randomly. I have to face co-workers who visibly saw I was pregnant and tomorrow I go to work with an empty womb. I walked around as a living tomb for two weeks as I decided what to do.
I am also angry at my doctor who told several lies, was neglectful in my care and yelled at me the day I was to be induced to the point where I was in tears. My husband came to the hospital and told me to take the IV out of my arm. I was already cramping, so I walked the streets in pain until I made it to an emergency room at another hospital. I wish I had words of encouragement for someone else- I usually do. But for now, i just need to vent, or maybe it’s just grieving.
(USA) I am praying for you, anonymous. I don’t know any other way to help you ease your pain but to uphold you in my prayers.
Human as we are, you have the right to feel what you feel right now. It’s a process. God loves you and His great plans surpasses our human understanding. In time, He will reveal His glory to you through this pain….
(USA) Dear Anonymous, We join hands with Belle in praying for you. The pain, emptiness and confusion you are experiencing must be more difficult for you than any of us could ever imagine, I’m sure. Please know that you are being supported in prayer and love. I hope you will allow yourself the time and freedom and grace to grieve as you should.
Who knows the outcome of all of this if you had done things any differently? You may surmise, but the fact is that you did what you did with the information you had at the time. We can always look back and think, “If I had just done this instead of that… things might have been different.” But we aren’t given that insight ahead of time. All we can do is ask God to help us to learn from the past and go forward the best way we can in the future with this knowledge at hand.
I hope you will embrace and lean into God’s grace and healing. Please know that you are being prayed for and are loved by many — especially God.
(CANADA) I had a partial miscarriage back in October 2008, I finished it at the end of December. My husband didn’t come to any of my appointments nor did he seem to feel anything. We are newly weds (got married July 2008) and we seem to be falling apart. I really just want to give up. I feel like I changed for the better, and he changed into a mean, insensitive, uncaring man.
(TURKEY) Thanks for great post. I love the colorful quality of this.
(USA) My wife and I miscarried twins 4 years ago. I tried to be strong for her. We had another baby since then, a son. Yesterday he turned 3.
She was in so much pain (after losing the twins), and so was I; I was dying inside. I didn’t know how to help her. And to top it off my sister came to visit a few weeks after our kids, Brianna Mae and Brody Mason were taken from us. After a while she stopped crying. I did too. We never talked about it.
It’s been 4 years and just this weekend we split up, I’m living with my mom. We have a lot of problems, but the only one we can’t solve is this one. I acted like a man, to be strong for my wife and our older son (now 11). It seems this was my undoing. She can’t forgive me for not crying enough then, and it’s destroying our family now.
(USA) Hi Eddie, I’m so sorry for the pain you and your wife are experiencing and the way it has worked a wedge between you. How tragic! But I encourage you to find a way to lead your wife to the articles that are posted on this web site (and the linked articles, as well as your own comments that are posted) to try to open up a dialog of better understanding. It would be a good starting point.
Right now your wife may tell you that there are other issues involved as well, and that may well be true, but this would be a good place to start to discuss issues that are separating the both of you. You have two children and a history together where you share pain as well as laughter (even though the laughter was more in the past), that beg you to keep trying to bridge your differences.
It’s difficult for women to understand the different approach that (most) men take when tragedy hits. As a result, women think the men are less sensitive than they feel they can cope living with. I know… I’ve been there and have been caught up in that confusion myself. Many, many women are trapped in that maze as well. But if we can just work with our differences rather than try to make each other like our own gender, it’s amazing how our differences can actually work FOR our relationship, rather than against it.
After reading these articles, it would be good for both of you to visit the “Gender Differences” section of this web site and read what is available. It may help you to build more bridges in the future as you work to make your marriage the best it can be. I pray your wife will be open to doing this.
It would be horrible to take the memory of these precious babies, and allow your partnership to split apart. How much better it would be to take the memory of these children, and honor them by holding them in your hearts together, and grow closer with your shared history and the love you have for your other children. They don’t deserve to be victims of this tragedy. They are the silent victims that need to be considered and loved as well. I pray the Lord will guide you both and bring you hope and help.
(USA) Eddie, I was so very sorry to read your story. My heart hurts for you and your wife. Losing children is so very hard to deal with. I would encourage you to continue to love your wife. Continue to sacrifice for her. Continue to show her love. DO NOT GIVE UP ON HER. Healing doesn’t come in certain time frames, but it CAN come. I think it would be good for your wife to know that you, too, were hurting and you still are. I will keep you and your family in prayer.