“How can a Christian who is married, deal graciously with siblings and sibling in laws, who are causing problems in their marriage?” That is the question we’d like to pose to you.
We receive quite a few letters each year from those who are married who are running into difficulties in dealing with sibling in laws, and sisters and brothers. Sometimes these siblings are too vocal or mean-spirited in what they say and do. They can be vindictive in how they act towards the spouse of their sibling and cause trouble.
Others stay to visit too long so the spouse feels imposed upon and worn out.
Other siblings expect financial support from their older male sibling and expect him to physically help them repeatedly at the sacrifice of his own family.
There are various situations that can come in to play. But in each case the one spouse is “at odds” with the other spouse because of the bond that siblings have had with each other through the years.
To help you with this issue, we found a few online articles that may give you some insight. We encourage you to pray and glean through the information — applying what you can use and disregarding the rest. Please click onto the links provided below to read:
• IN LAW CONFLICT: He Said … She Said
• SURVIVING THE HOLIDAYS WITH FAMILY
However, we want to know what wise and godly (Biblically-based) advice you would give to those who are dealing with sibling in laws and/or extended family who are causing problems in their marriage? (Please scroll to the bottom of the page to leave your advice or comments.)
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(ZIMBABWE) My advice is prayer and acceptance is key in avoiding arguments. If you accept there’s commotion between you and your siblings in-laws you’ll start looking for ways as to how to forgive them and have a better relationship. Play the ‘fool’ as if you don’t see anything. Only God knows and the fact is, one day you’ll wake up without them in your house, and that time may come soon or never.
(USA) Draw a broad line between family and the extended family. Always your family first, then the extended family.
(ZIMBABWE) I think problems with in-laws mainly arise if your spouse does not realize that his siblings may be doing much harm to your marriage. If he acknowledges, it’s easier to find a way forward together and in some cases he can talk to his family members. The big problem arises when he doesn’t see any harm and in some instances even takes the same side with his relatives. During times like these I’d advise going down on your knees and just letting the Good Lord takeover, he’s a faithful and just God.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Vasikana, it’s tough, especially if you are married to the eldest brother. My husband is Mr Solve It All, from his close relatives brothers and sisters to the whole extended family. He spoon feeds them like little babies. We came down to SA 2004 and since then we have managed to bring down 5 of these relatives. We do everything from financing the VISAs, to bus fares, to taking care and assisting in them in finding jobs.
l am very happy to assist but what worries me is me is these relatives stay with us for almost 6 months after finding jobs and my husband won’t agree/ask them to pay rent or contribute towards food or electricity. But every month end he sits with them writing lists of groceries that they need to send to home to their wives. My sister in law does general work, mostly domestic, and she is forever in and out of jobs and she comes back to live with us everytime the jobs ends. Is it our responsibility to look after her? l had to end up asking her to find her own accommodation just to make her see that she needs to be responsible and keep her jobs.
We stay in a 3 bedroomed house but at one stage we hade 4 relatives and had to move the kids from their bedrooms to accomodate them. There are many people comimg over this side from Zimbabwe. My husband invites people from his village that he meets at church to come over, and they don’t just stay for a day and go; they want to sleep over for days. I have tried to discuss with him that we can’t have all these strange people sleeping in the kids’ bed but he doesn’t see it the same way. He says l hate him and all his family and friends. We have 3 kids and this has created a lot of commotion in the house. We are so strained financially with the bills and all this welfare that we are offering. But how far is one expected to help? What are the limits?
(USA) Hi Vwa, I know what it feels like being out of your home country and the whole family being dependent on you. We have to help each other here because we may miss out on God’s blessings.
To those who may not know, the African family generally operates the way Vwa has explained, only that this is kind of extreme. When you get married, at one point some relatives may come to live with you or you may be given the responsibility of looking after other people’s children, paying their tuition. Rarely do you look after your immediate family alone. How a new wife relates to her in laws is major and she has to be seen to be accepting of her husband’s family. She now identifies herself with her husband’s family name, traditions their affairs etc. Visitors come without notice and its considered rude to ask how long they are staying. People like your husband’s brothers & sisters have very important family titles/ positions and you have to be careful how you speak to them and what you say to them. In other times direct confrontations are hard or unacceptable/ considered disrespectful.
This is the African culture and I hope readers will help based on this understanding. It will be great if articles on this site allow for such differences in cultures where confrontations, eviction orders etc are out of the question.
Coming back to you Vwa, ngatibatsiranei asikana. What I have learnt is that the more you show resistance to how your husband is handling your finances and how he “spoonfeeds” his relatives, the worse it gets. His natural response will be to defend them and like you said he thinks you hate them. First of all, we have to try and correct that kind of thinking by cooperating the best way we can. I know there is nothing to smile about when 50%+ of the family earnings are going out and you want to do your own thing/investments.
This is about you and your husband’s relationship. Your situation won’t change until you develop that relationship. Don’t make him see you as the enemy or outsider. Be part of the whole family issue, make it “your problem too” (sympathise). When he sees you are cooperating he is more likely to listen to your ideas/opinions.
Your relationship and state of affairs are stronger if you are in agreement. Even if the relatives try to play you guys against each other they won’t succeed. Try not to involve other relatives in these problems, you know how bad it can get. Let it be about the two of you. Don’t give people things to say about you especially those you live with. If they hear a thing, they pick up the phone and ring back home and involve the whole clan.
For now pretend you can’t see these problems and dedicate yourself to prayer because talking to your husband about his family almost always yields the same negative response. For the relatives who need genuine help, don’t be weary of doing good. Pray, pray, pray and get comfort from God’s word. One day you and your husband will be a team again. These extended family issues are for a lifetime so don’t let them ruin your relationship with God.
(CANADA) I agree with Denise, family should come first, then the extended family, or else the couple will find themselves broken.
(USA) I agree as well, family first…and that means you, your spouse and your children. I think the problems arise when your spouse believes "family" to include everyone, mother, father, brothers, sisters, in-laws, nieces, nephews….you get the point. I think we all spend 18+ years knowing them as our family, but all that changes when you marry. As long as your spouse is aware of that, then you have something to work with. Just make sure everything you do and respond to is done out of love, not anger. (And I’m speaking from personal experience here) Don’t condemn, judge or criticize, if you are having issues with extended family, they will not be open to any of that. And, when all else fails, leave it in God’s hands, that’s where all of our problems belong.
(USA) My brother died in December and my in laws never called me or sent a card. We have been happily married for 18 years. They told me it was because they didn’t want to make me cry. So I was pretty upset and told them I was. My mother in law e-mailed me back and said some pretty awful things.
So anyway, they decided to visit our house over spring break. My husband is going to Afghanistan and I understand why they would want to see him. Well, they never apologized to me and so I decided I would visit my parents for that week. It was good for my parents for me to be with them at this time that we are all grieving (my brother was my only sibling and 34 yrs old).
So they were here to see Doug and the boys for a week in March. This was their 1st visit in 4 years. They called my house and told my boys that I was going to drive to Ohio this summer by myself from Nebraska and got them all excited over all the things we would do. So I was mad all over again because I had no intentions on doing this.
This is the 1st time my husband will be deployed and we will be apart for 6 months. So naturally, we want special family time before he leaves. Well, they just informed me that they were coming and bringing two more family members and staying on Doug’s last three days with us. My husband totally supports me and feels very uncomfortable with his own parents. He wouldn’t even open the fridge when we would visit. What should I do?
(USA) I used to think the world of my in-laws and now that my fiance is away, sibling in-laws are starting to cause problems between him and I. I tried the "drop the rope" theory but it hasn’t worked yet. I feel like I am being blamed for the arguments they are causing, when in reality, I’ve done pretty much nothing to deserve the weight they are putting on my shoulders.
I’m also 8 1/2 months pregnant and they seem not to care that they are REALLY stressing me out. All they care about is their own selfishness. They are trying to make my fiance think that I don’t care about him. Also, my sister-in-law said to me that we couldn’t be close anymore because she hates my father. Well I am not my father, so I don’t quite see how that is in any way a reason to not be close with me.
(ENGLAND) I am a 40 year old Asian lady living in England. My relationship with my sisters has been very rocky for some years. I also have a brother whom I get along with fine, as we both share many of the same values and hold some liberal views, not always conducive to the Asian culture, Generally we are not heavily involved in our faith or culture, and have a strong belief that religion is a personal issue, and the best religion in the world is the religion of being a good, kind, tolerant individual, who doesn’t feel they have to display or follow a faith to be worthy.
My sisters have over the years felt they can treat me like a leper and not invite me to some family get togethers where it may involve other extended family present to invite me, so as these relatives will not question my absence. This issue has been raised with my mother who tells me it is in my head. Subsequently my mother has dropped her relationship with me over this UGLY sister situation. The Ugly sisters also decided they were going to emotionally cause problems between my sister-in-law and my brother, regardless of the fact that she was at the time almost 8 months pregnant. When the pregnancy issue was brought up – The UGLY sisters stated she wasn’t the first person to ever carry a child.
My mother sent a birthday card this year for my 40th with some cash inside. I don’t feel I can respond with a call as the last call with her was so abrupt and she showed no willingness to to be a part of my life or my children’s. This is so messing with my head!
I feel that it is so difficult for Asians today, living in a society of so many differing attitudes towards life. I am not a practicing Sikh, and additionally really believe life is precious and that every man should make their own decisions on what makes them happy and not be ruled by the culture or religious practices of people from similar backgrounds. My children have also beeen brought up with this belief. I have lost my sisters, parents, and grandparent as a result. Not sure if it was all worth it, what do you think?
(USA) Yes, I have had the same thing. My parents never call to see how my kids (their grandkids) are doing. I have to pinch myself to tell myself I am still of value and worth. I totally understand how excruciatingly painful it is. If you have tried to be nice, told them what you hope from them and have tried nicely to work it out and they are still doing this, I say the problem is theirs not yours. Focus on yourself, your children and your husband and friends and any relatives you do get along with. Good luck!
(CANADA) My husband and I have been married for over 25 years…we got married very young…19 years old. At first my husband got along with my family just great. We got together all the time, etc. Then about 10 years ago my husband got very upset with what my parents decided to do about their home (they decided to give it to one of my brothers). At first I was upset but then I got over it. I love my parents and my brother, but my husband NEVER got over it. It has affected family get togethers tremendously. It has affected how my children feel about their grandparents and aunts, uncles and cousins because my husband has been quite vocal at times. We have fought A LOT about this issue. I am a Christian and believe that God will work this out, but it has been over 10 years and I am getting sick and tired of it. Should I still be putting up with this?
(KENYA) Our warfare aint about flesh and blood. From my view, your situation seems as though nothing can be done about it. I therefore identify such a problem as a stronghold of hatred and rejection that needs to be brought down by the blood of Jesus. Identify if it’s a generational issue on both sides. Is your side and that of your husband’s to repent about it? Renounce it in the name of Jesus and invite Jesus into your marriage and into the relationship between your parents and hubby.
(UNITED STATES) I’m dealing with a SIL as well — that’s not so ‘perfect’. She goes out of her way to ensure that I’m excluded from every conversation. She NEVER calls the house to talk to my husband, she calls only his cell phone. I’m hoping this will one day blow over, but for now it’s nothing but akward. We go to family events and ignore each other — talking over or around each other, but never directly to each other. My husband feels very in the middle and I can see that perspective. All I really want is for him to acknowledge her actions and see how that can hurt my feelings. What she expects my husband to do for her children and my kids (although not with my current husband) are clearly excluded in the grand scheme of things. I guess I just wanted to vent my situation. I haven’t really found anything that works — I go with ignoring and proceeding. I hope you have the full support of your husband cuz’ I’m sure that will help you through it all.