“How can a Christian who is married, deal graciously with siblings and sibling in laws, who are causing problems in their marriage?” That is the question we’d like to pose to you.
We receive quite a few letters each year from those who are married who are running into difficulties in dealing with sibling in laws, and sisters and brothers. Sometimes these siblings are too vocal or mean-spirited in what they say and do. They can be vindictive in how they act towards the spouse of their sibling and cause trouble.
Others stay to visit too long so the spouse feels imposed upon and worn out.
Other siblings expect financial support from their older male sibling and expect him to physically help them repeatedly at the sacrifice of his own family.
There are various situations that can come in to play. But in each case the one spouse is “at odds” with the other spouse because of the bond that siblings have had with each other through the years.
To help you with this issue, we found a few online articles that may give you some insight. We encourage you to pray and glean through the information — applying what you can use and disregarding the rest. Please click onto the links provided below to read:
• IN LAW CONFLICT: He Said … She Said
• SURVIVING THE HOLIDAYS WITH FAMILY
However, we want to know what wise and godly (Biblically-based) advice you would give to those who are dealing with sibling in laws and/or extended family who are causing problems in their marriage? (Please scroll to the bottom of the page to leave your advice or comments.)
and do your online shopping. 
17 comments so far ↓
1 Patricia // Nov 9, 2007 at 9:35 am
(ZIMBABWE) My advice is prayer and acceptance is key in avoiding arguments. If you accept there’s commotion between you and your siblings in-laws you’ll start looking for ways as to how to forgive them and have a better relationship. Play the ‘fool’ as if you don’t see anything. Only God knows and the fact is, one day you’ll wake up without them in your house, and that time may come soon or never.
2 Denise // Jan 2, 2008 at 2:07 pm
(USA) Draw a broad line between family and the extended family. Always your family first, then the extended family.
3 Kundi // Jan 7, 2008 at 1:05 am
(ZIMBABWE) I think problems with in-laws mainly arise if your spouse does not realize that his siblings may be doing much harm to your marriage. If he acknowledges, it’s easier to find a way forward together and in some cases he can talk to his family members. The big problem arises when he doesn’t see any harm and in some instances even takes the same side with his relatives. During times like these I’d advise going down on your knees and just letting the Good Lord takeover, he’s a faithful and just God.
4 May // Apr 1, 2008 at 11:03 pm
(CANADA) I agree with Denise, family should come first, then the extended family, or else the couple will find themselves broken.
5 Lorikate // Apr 3, 2008 at 5:19 am
(USA) I agree as well, family first…and that means you, your spouse and your children. I think the problems arise when your spouse believes "family" to include everyone, mother, father, brothers, sisters, in-laws, nieces, nephews….you get the point. I think we all spend 18+ years knowing them as our family, but all that changes when you marry. As long as your spouse is aware of that, then you have something to work with. Just make sure everything you do and respond to is done out of love, not anger. (And I’m speaking from personal experience here) Don’t condemn, judge or criticize, if you are having issues with extended family, they will not be open to any of that. And, when all else fails, leave it in God’s hands, that’s where all of our problems belong.
6 Laurie // Jun 8, 2008 at 1:55 pm
(USA) My brother died in December and my in laws never called me or sent a card. We have been happily married for 18 years. They told me it was because they didn’t want to make me cry. So I was pretty upset and told them I was. My mother in law e-mailed me back and said some pretty awful things.
So anyway, they decided to visit our house over spring break. My husband is going to Afghanistan and I understand why they would want to see him. Well, they never apologized to me and so I decided I would visit my parents for that week. It was good for my parents for me to be with them at this time that we are all grieving (my brother was my only sibling and 34 yrs old).
So they were here to see Doug and the boys for a week in March. This was their 1st visit in 4 years. They called my house and told my boys that I was going to drive to Ohio this summer by myself from Nebraska and got them all excited over all the things we would do. So I was mad all over again because I had no intentions on doing this.
This is the 1st time my husband will be deployed and we will be apart for 6 months. So naturally, we want special family time before he leaves. Well, they just informed me that they were coming and bringing two more family members and staying on Doug’s last three days with us. My husband totally supports me and feels very uncomfortable with his own parents. He wouldn’t even open the fridge when we would visit. What should I do?
7 Holly // Jun 10, 2008 at 3:59 pm
(USA) I used to think the world of my in-laws and now that my fiance is away, sibling in-laws are starting to cause problems between him and I. I tried the "drop the rope" theory but it hasn’t worked yet. I feel like I am being blamed for the arguments they are causing, when in reality, I’ve done pretty much nothing to deserve the weight they are putting on my shoulders.
I’m also 8 1/2 months pregnant and they seem not to care that they are REALLY stressing me out. All they care about is their own selfishness. They are trying to make my fiance think that I don’t care about him. Also, my sister-in-law said to me that we couldn’t be close anymore because she hates my father. Well I am not my father, so I don’t quite see how that is in any way a reason to not be close with me.
8 Sarah // Jul 19, 2008 at 2:30 pm
(ENGLAND) I am a 40 year old Asian lady living in England. My relationship with my sisters has been very rocky for some years. I also have a brother whom I get along with fine, as we both share many of the same values and hold some liberal views, not always conducive to the Asian culture, Generally we are not heavily involved in our faith or culture, and have a strong belief that religion is a personal issue, and the best religion in the world is the religion of being a good, kind, tolerant individual, who doesn’t feel they have to display or follow a faith to be worthy.
My sisters have over the years felt they can treat me like a leper and not invite me to some family get togethers where it may involve other extended family present to invite me, so as these relatives will not question my absence. This issue has been raised with my mother who tells me it is in my head. Subsequently my mother has dropped her relationship with me over this UGLY sister situation. The Ugly sisters also decided they were going to emotionally cause problems between my sister-in-law and my brother, regardless of the fact that she was at the time almost 8 months pregnant. When the pregnancy issue was brought up - The UGLY sisters stated she wasn’t the first person to ever carry a child.
My mother sent a birthday card this year for my 40th with some cash inside. I don’t feel I can respond with a call as the last call with her was so abrupt and she showed no willingness to to be a part of my life or my children’s. This is so messing with my head!
I feel that it is so difficult for Asians today, living in a society of so many differing attitudes towards life. I am not a practicing Sikh, and additionally really believe life is precious and that every man should make their own decisions on what makes them happy and not be ruled by the culture or religious practices of people from similar backgrounds. My children have also beeen brought up with this belief. I have lost my sisters, parents, and grandparent as a result. Not sure if it was all worth it, what do you think?
9 Sharlyne // Aug 1, 2008 at 5:29 pm
(CANADA) My husband and I have been married for over 25 years…we got married very young…19 years old. At first my husband got along with my family just great. We got together all the time, etc. Then about 10 years ago my husband got very upset with what my parents decided to do about their home (they decided to give it to one of my brothers). At first I was upset but then I got over it. I love my parents and my brother, but my husband NEVER got over it. It has affected family get togethers tremendously. It has affected how my children feel about their grandparents and aunts, uncles and cousins because my husband has been quite vocal at times. We have fought A LOT about this issue. I am a Christian and believe that God will work this out, but it has been over 10 years and I am getting sick and tired of it. Should I still be putting up with this?
10 Jo // Aug 5, 2008 at 1:42 pm
(UNITED STATES) I’m dealing with a SIL as well — that’s not so ‘perfect’. She goes out of her way to ensure that I’m excluded from every conversation. She NEVER calls the house to talk to my husband, she calls only his cell phone. I’m hoping this will one day blow over, but for now it’s nothing but akward. We go to family events and ignore each other — talking over or around each other, but never directly to each other. My husband feels very in the middle and I can see that perspective. All I really want is for him to acknowledge her actions and see how that can hurt my feelings. What she expects my husband to do for her children and my kids (although not with my current husband) are clearly excluded in the grand scheme of things. I guess I just wanted to vent my situation. I haven’t really found anything that works — I go with ignoring and proceeding. I hope you have the full support of your husband cuz’ I’m sure that will help you through it all.
11 Lee // Aug 8, 2008 at 7:09 am
(SOUTH AFRICA) My husband & I have been married for almost 8 yrs and we still have family issues. I agree that spouse and children are first and then comes extended family (some of them don’t realise this). I am a Christian and my husband is not but I have been trusting God for a miracle. His sister has been causing problems in our marriage by telling him things which are not true. This is very hurtful and what makes it worse is that he believes her or sides with her. He doesn’t even try to understand the way I feel or listens to what I have to say. He gets defensive when it comes to his mother and siblings.
I have given the situation to God and I have no doubt in my mind that God will turn things around - for good. There was a time when I felt like giving up but I have come too far to just give up and walk away. The devil is using family members against us and he will not get away with it, not as long as we have God on our side! It can be difficult at times but we just have to keep on keeping on. The devil is a liar! Have faith everyone!
12 Sharlyne // Sep 6, 2008 at 7:11 pm
(CANADA) How about when your spouse doesn’t allow you to invite your brother over to the house? If I do go ahead and invite them, he either makes them feel very uncomfortable by being very unfriendly when they are over, or he makes it so miserable for me before the visit, I just get so stressed out.
13 Antonette // Sep 9, 2008 at 1:02 am
(SOUTH AFRICA) Me and my man are getting married in November this year. I already feel I shouldn’t go there because I foresee enough problems. He has a younger sister who has 3 kids. She gets no support from the fathers of her children. My man is providing for her and her children. We have a 6 months old baby and we are basically supporting 5 people.
My man is not willing to talk to me about his sister’s situation and if he is giving her money and how often. Whenever I ask him - he snaps and becomes really defensive - like someone protecting his own. At this stage he is unreasonable, irrational and emotional, calls me selfish and accuses me of all sorts of things like I think I am a better person. I really feel I should not get married to this guy - actually I should break up all together with him so he can provide for his sister with a peace of mind.
14 Mermaid // Oct 7, 2008 at 6:39 am
(USA) My husband was close to his Mother, one sister, & a niece. This is after his father had passed away. My sister in laws husband/nieces father was in & out of jail. This made him sort of "fill in" as the male of the family. This sister is competitive with me & so is her daughter who is 12! They have made remarks to me as to suggest that I share my husband with them. Yes, I do but in the appropriate way!
They try to make me look negative behind my back by exaggerating information & lying like for example how much food I feed my 7 month old, & other areas of motherhood & being a woman. It’s almost like a political race!! They are always criticizing me & discussing me with other members of the family to make themselves outshine me.
The 12 year old makes remarks also! He has another sister & they do this to each other so I can imagine they do this to me as well. This sister has a complex. She is boastful, competitive & deceptive. I do not trust her as a confident. I am polite with her & try to get along but it comes to dreading get togethers because of being around her. She is loud & dominant & probably insecure. She practically plans every holiday & all of our family plans have to revolve around her. It’s like she is top dog.
My husband knows she has a complex & mentions it frequently. On the other hand, he still calls her a lot & gives her the upper hand & seems to fall at her feet. When I mention this, he gets mad & denies this. She is younger & it seems he looks up to her, she’s infallible!
She & her daughter try everything to cover up their wrongs & impress my husband to keep themselves close to him & in his favor. I don’t understand this hold she has on him. He is wrapped around her finger! She is boastful towards me because of this. If she did not have this complex & air towards me, then I would probably not have a problem. I pray that my husband would wise up & not let her have so much power over him. How can I deal with this sister in law when my husband feeds her complex & I have to be around her often? Thanks.
15 LT // Oct 7, 2008 at 12:06 pm
Hi Mermaid, Well it sounds like God has already given you the discernment of your sister-in-law and the situation in general. No, you do not have to be best friends with her. You’ve already seen that.
I’m sorry to hear your husband will not hear you on this. Although I’m not in a situation exactly like yours, I do however, know what it is like to live with someone who is self-oriented (like your sister-in-law) to the point of destructive behavior toward others. And many times, people like this tend to drag others into their volatile style of living without those people even realizing it. Your husband fits into that category.
You have been given discernment about the situation, but your husband’s eyes have not been opened.
I live with an abusive husband. Because he is no longer hitting me, he thinks everything is just fine. They are not. In his spirit and words, he is still as abusive as he always was but he does not see this.
I was recommended the following book by a Christian counselor and I highly suggest you obtain a copy for yourself. I could only find it on amazon - the local bookstores and my library did not have copies but you might be able to get one at your library.
The book is called Foolproofing Your Life, by Jan Silvious. I highly recommend it - it is specifically for someone in your situation and you will see not only the personality type of your sister-in-law in there but the others around her as well. Counselors call it the “family system” - it’s the means whereby dysfunctional behavior continues, sometimes (many times) with those closest to the member who is dysfunctional, enabling them.
You may not get your husband to see his enabling habits toward his sister but it certainly is worth praying to God about to open his eyes to the problem. Either way, it will help you to read the book and, if you think your husband is open to it, have him read it, too, but he may not want to. I wouldn’t push it with him. You’ll know if it is God’s timing on whether or not your husband is to continue to be blind to the situation or not. But the book will help you and put you at tremendous ease about the situation.
Blessings, LT
16 SO // Feb 17, 2009 at 3:59 am
(KENYA) I am happy to find out that the situation is not only unique to my case, because I have been stressed out. I have been married for 2 months and I live with my in laws. Although they are not ‘bad’ people, their presence is causing conflict in our marriage.
My husband prefers to give them attention when he comes from work because he argues better involve more than 1 person and leave out 1 than leave out to and only involve 1 person.
This thinking has led me to being a loner in the house. I have not encouraged myself to be free with my in laws to avoid confrontations because I’ve witnessed one of them beat up their brother’s wife. I fear them I don’t want to be beaten. Everything my husband does, he always has to factor in what they will think.
He has now forced me to be doing laundry for his siblings. I feel like moving out and just forgetting about the marriage. I have failed to pray because the tension sometimes is too much. I don’t remember to pray. My in laws are also male chauvinists and continuously give derogatory comments towards women that get me really offended. I am not a happy woman. How do I find happiness?
17 Grace // May 25, 2009 at 4:11 am
(SOUTH AFRICA) I’ve read all the stories, I’m not different. I’ve been married for 3yrs. Before we got married we agreed with my husband that we were going to stay together. Just after the wedding his two siblings came over, nobody told me about them coming to live with us. That was year 1 and 2, then on year three another shock, the sister and her baby came to live with us, and still I was just surprised because he seemed to discuss everything with his mom and make final decision without including me.
The siblings are rude and disrespectful, with the attitude that everything in the house belongs to their brother regardless of the fact that I am working and contributing as well. They report everything that happens in the house to their mother, e.g. when the brother buys me gifts, they will tell their mother and even tell them the price tag. Whoever comes to visit me, they have to report to their mother. My husband takes their side and thinks I’m the one who is wrong. After work, he spends time with them, and I’m just a loner.
I’ve prayed about it, but I’m hurt and unhappy in this marriage. I’ve considered walking out because I’m just hurt and developing heart diseases because of this marriage,How do i live with people whom I cannot trust their intentions,they speak bad and false about me,at the moment im not speaking with my mom in law after all this drama that took place and the things she said about me,i am bitter and sad,i dont even want to go to her house,my husband does’nt say anything.please help.
Join the Discussion!