If you can say today that you’re happy with the way things are going in your marriage, then you probably wouldn’t want to change anything right now. For many couples, however, they’ve been hoping and praying for years that something would change in their marriage.

And, probably more accurately, many couples have been praying that their spouse would change. That’s because we’ve believed that if our spouse were to change then everything would be fine in our marriage.

Last weekend Cindy and I had the privilege of attending a marriage conference called, Love and Respect with Dr. Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs. It’s a great conference that we’d highly recommend if you ever have the opportunity to attend one. But as the Eggerichs’ laid out different principles to change our marriages it became evident that this is a simple (although it’s not an “easy”) formula that has the power to make a “good marriage better and a poor marriage good.”

It will be hard to do justice to these powerful truths in one short Marriage Message, but we want to give you a brief synopsis of some of the teachings so that you can benefit from at least the little we have the space to share. The basis for this entire conference comes from one verse. It’s found in Ephesians 5:33 which says, “Nevertheless, let each individual among you also love his own wife even as himself; and let his wife see to it that she respect her husband.”

Dr. Eggerichs teaches on a few simple premises: First, most husbands and wives don’t enter into marriage plotting to destroy the other person or ruin the marriage. As he said we are basically people of good will. “If good will exists then most conflict is due to a misunderstanding of each others core value.” He says a wife’s core value is LOVE and a husband’s core value is RESPECT.

Nowhere in God’s word is a woman commanded to love her husband. That’s because, God created the woman to love. He never has to command someone or something to do what it was already created to do. But, she is commanded to respect him. On the other hand, God created us men with the capacity to love, but it doesn’t come as naturally.

It’s something we have to work at. I (Steve) think that’s why in Ephesians 5 God tells us several times that this kind of love requires great sacrifice.

His second premise is: Through a lot of study and counseling of couples over the years, Dr. Eggerichs has come to the conclusion that when there’s a breakdown in the marriage relationship it is because couples get on what he calls, The “Crazy Cycle.”

Simply put the “Crazy Cycle” is where a couple goes round and round in a circle. It’s when a husband acts towards his wife WITHOUT LOVE. She in turn reacts WITHOUT RESPECT. When she reacts WITHOUT RESPECT he then reacts WITHOUT LOVE. And, so the cycle will go on and on until they either destroy the health of their marriage or they finally realize this isn’t healthy and start to practice Ephesians 5:33.

While Emerson says the principles are simple he also admits they aren’t easy. Why? Because our human (sinful nature) wants its own way. Sacrifice is never “fun” and neither is putting our spouse’s needs ahead of our own. But, when just one of us in the marriage is willing to get off the “Crazy Cycle,” Dr. Eggerichs says we will both win.

When asked, “Who’s supposed to start this? Emerson says, “The more mature one in the relationship.” There’s also no “loop-hole” or “escape clause”. This means a husband is always supposed to show HIS LOVE even if his wife doesn’t give HER RESPECT. Likewise, a wife is supposed to always give HER RESPECT even if her husband isn’t showing HIS LOVE to her.

Our natural inclination is to say something like, “Well, I’ll show her LOVE when she starts treating me with RESPECT”, or “He’ll get my respect when he earns it. And so far, I haven’t been getting the love I deserve.” The problem with this way of thinking is it is conditional and God’s word shows us true Love and Respect is unconditional.

We need to realize that UNCONDITIONAL RESPECT IS SOMETHING GOD EXPECTS. The Bible says, “With good will render service, as to the Lord , and not to men, knowing that whatever good thing each one does, this he will receive back from the Lord , whether slave or free” (Ephesians 6: 7-8).

It also says, “Wives, [be subject] to your husbands, as to the Lord” (Ephesians 5:22). “And [let] the wife [see to it] that she respects her husband”(Ephesians 5:33).

“For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may be recompensed for the deeds in the body, according to what he has done, whether good or bad” (2 Corinthians 5:10).

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE IS ALSO SOMETHING ELSE GOD EXPECTS. On this subject the Bible says, “For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax-gatherers do the same?” (Matthew 5:46)

“And if you love those who love you, what credit is [that] to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is [that] to you? For even sinners do the same. And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is [that] to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, in order to receive back the same [amount.]“ (Luke 6:32-34).

“For what credit is there if, when you sin and are harshly treated, you endure it with patience? But if when you do what is right and suffer [for it] you patiently endure it, this [finds] favor with God” (1 Peter 2:20).

Additionally, giving unconditional respect and unconditional love to each other deepens and demonstrates our love and reverence for Christ as we do this “as unto Christ.” It’s the “You did it to me” principle.

The Bible says, “Then the righteous will answer Him, saying, “Lord, when did we see You hungry, and feed You, or thirsty, and give You drink? And when did we see You a stranger, and invite You in, or naked, and clothe You? And when did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?”

And the King will answer and say to them, “Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, [even] the least [of them,] you did it to Me” (Matthew 25:37-40). It also says, ” Then He will answer them, saying, “Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me” (Matthew 25:45).

We need to be people of honor and do what’s hard— love and honor each other UNCONDITIONALLY because God said to and because it’s the right thing to do. It’s the only way to get off the “Crazy Cycle.” We also need to LEAVE A LEGACY to our children that we did what God said to do even though it was hard—even though it isn’t what comes natural or would be very “popular” to consider doing in today’s self-absorbed society.

Part of what we learned last weekend at the seminar is that if we really want to change our marriage we each are responsible for changing ourselves so that God’s design for marriage is what is seen. Emerson sums it up this way:

The best way to influence, energize or motivate a spouse isn’t to withhold love or respect. Let’s face it—an unloving demeanor doesn’t energize a wife to display a respectful countenance. It’s to meet their deepest need, especially in conflict.

As a husband, your love best motivates your wife to respond to you showing respect. As a wife, your respect best motivates your husband to respond to you with love, especially during a conflict. If you choose to ignore this, what other option is there—to get back on the crazy cycle? Craziness is when we still keep doing the same thing over and over and over again with the same ill-effects.

That’s a cycle we need to get off of and do things God’s way!

We pray that what we’ve shared is helpful to you. We highly recommend the Eggerichs’ material and teaching on this subject. We found it to be very sound, inspiring, and helpful—no matter how long you’ve been married! You can find recordings of the entire weekend seminar along with the syllabus for sale on at their web site at www.loveandrespect.com.

May God Bless your lives together,
Steve and Cindy Wright