Last week we touched on the subject of going the extra mile in apologizing. This week we’d like to explain a little more about apologizing and asking for forgiveness in marriage — particularly when it comes to demanding forgiveness. It’s tempting for some spouses to begin demanding and expecting forgiveness when they can’t seem to get the other spouse to put the situation behind them so the offending spouse no longer has to deal with the situation. After all, the offender said, “I’m sorry” what more can be expected, right?

But in reality, demanding forgiveness just adds fuel to the already burning fire of hurt and resentment and complicates the situation all the more.

To help us understand this situation a little better, we’re going to share a portion of the great book, The Five Languages of Apology by Dr Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas, published by Northfield Publishing. Here’s what Gary writes on the subject:

“There’s a vast difference between requesting forgiveness and demanding forgiveness. In our research, we continually encountered individuals who expected, yes, even demanded that the offended party forget the offense and move on. One wife said, “I can hear it now in my head. I’ve heard it hundreds of times through our 25 years of marriage. He insists, ‘I said “I’m sorry.” What more do you want?’ I just wish that one time he would look me in the eyes and say, ‘Will you please forgive me?’ He demands my forgiveness, but he never apologizes, and he never changes anything.”

I never had an opportunity to talk with her husband, but I had the strong suspicion that he had a controlling personality and a dominant fear of failure. If these two personality traits could have been dealt with, their relationship would not have ended as it did — in divorce.

Don’t demand forgiveness. You cannot expect it. When we demand forgiveness, we fail to understand the nature of forgiveness. Forgiveness is essentially a CHOICE to lift the penalty and to let the person back into our lives. It is to pardon the offense so that we might redevelop trust. Forgiveness says, “I care about our relationship. Therefore, I choose to accept your apology and no longer demand justice.” It is essentially a gift. A gift that is demanded is no longer a gift.

When, as the offender, I demand to be forgiven, I am like a monarch sitting on a throne, judging the offended person as being guilty of an unforgiving heart. The offended person is hurt and angry over my offense, but I am trying to make her feel guilty for not forgiving me. On the other hand, when I go to the offended party and say, “Will you forgive me?” I am now bowing at her throne and requesting to be forgiven of my offense. I know that if she grants my request, I am a recipient of her mercy, love, and grace. Forgiveness is always to be requested but never demanded.

Please understand that when you request to be forgiven, you are making a huge request. It will be costly to the person you have offended. When they forgive you, they must give up their desire for justice. They must relinquish their hurt and anger, their feeling of embarrassment or humiliation. They must give up their feelings of rejection and betrayal. Sometimes, they must live with the consequences of your wrong behavior.

These may be physical consequences that need forgiveness, such as a sexually transmitted disease, a child born of a strange lover, or the memory of an abortion. Other consequences may be emotional, such as the mental images of your flushed face and raised voice, the images of you in the arms of another lover, or the cutting words that play over again and again in their minds. The person you hurt must live with all of this and much more, and process it in order to forgive you. This is not a small thing you’re asking of him or her. As an ancient Chinese proverb says, “When you bow, bow low.”

Because of the costliness of forgiveness, don’t expect the offended person to forgive you immediately. If the offense is minor and if you apologize in the primary apology language of the offended person, then perhaps his or her forgiveness may be extended rather quickly. But if the offense is major and often repeated, it will take time for the offended party to process your apology, especially if their apology language is the language of restitution or repentance. It takes time to see if you will follow through on making restitution or genuinely repenting and changing destructive behaviors. The person must be convinced of your sincerity, and that may well take time.

In the meantime, your greatest virtue must be patience. Be sure you are (1) speaking the person’s primary love language (you would need to read the chapter on this or read the book, “The Five Love Languages” to understand this better) and (2) making every effort to change your behavior. If you are consistent in these pursuits, you will likely be the recipient of forgiveness in due time.

Verbally requesting forgiveness after you have expressed an apology often is the key that opens the door to the possibility of forgiveness and reconciliation. It may be the one element of your apology that the offended person is waiting to hear. “Will you please forgive me?” is the ingredient that convinces them that you are indeed sincere in your apology.

Without the request for forgiveness your statements, “I’m sorry. I was wrong. I will make it up to you. I’ll never do it again” may sound like glib remarks designed to put the matter behind you without really dealing with it. If this is the offended party’s primary apology language, then you must learn to speak it if you want her to know that your apology is genuine.

Statements that may help you learn to speak the apology language requesting forgiveness:

• “I’m sorry for the way I spoke to you. I know it was loud and harsh. You didn’t deserve that. It was very wrong of me, and I want to ask you to forgive me.”

• “I know that what I did hurt you very deeply. You have every right never to speak to me again, but I am truly sorry for what I did. And I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me.”

• “I didn’t intend to hurt you but obviously I have. I realize that now, and I see that my actions were wrong even though I was just trying to have fun. It’s never right to have fun if someone gets hurt. I promise you I will try to never do that again. And I want to ask you if you will please forgive me.”

We share the above portion of the book, The Five Languages of Apology to help the one asking for forgiveness to understand that you are asking the spouse you have offended to pay another high price for what you have done against them. The book explains this better than we can do in a short message, but the point is that by demanding forgiveness or manipulating them to do so, you are adding to the pain you already afflicted on them.

If you are truly sorry and repentant, it is then your responsibility to do what it takes to help the other spouse work through the pain to eventually come to the place of releasing the injustice of it all. This may require you to do some uncomfortable things in explaining more than you want, and apologizing in a way that seems more excessive than necessary from your point of view, but the point is to help them heal from the pain you caused. We pray you will do what it takes to make this happen.

We will visit this subject one more time next week to honor our God of reconciliation and forgiveness. We pray these messages will help all of us participate with him in the process.

Cindy and Steve Wright

Buy the books featured in this article:
The Five Languages of Apology: How to Experience Healing in All Your Relationships
The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate