• If a married couple with children has 15 minutes of uninterrupted, non-logistical, non-problem-solving talk every day, I’d put them in the top 5% of all married couples. It’s an extraordinary achievement (Bill Doherty). 

• Marriage is the foundation of the family and the family is the foundation of society: if we strengthen marriage, we strengthen the family, we strengthen the children and we strengthen the community. If your goal is to help improve the world, marriage is as good a place as any to start (Diane Sollee from www.smartmarriages.com)

• Never allow your children’s wants take precedence over your spouse’s needs (Dr Todd Linaman).

The above quotes give us a great springboard from which to discuss the subject of not allowing your children to come between you as husband and wife. The following article came from the book, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff in Love by Dr Richard Carlson and Kristine Carlson:

We love our children more than words can say—we adore them, want the best for them, and, to a large degree, have dedicated our lives to them. They make our lives complete and there is no question that they are our top priority.

Yet, we love each other too. A ton! And we don’t just say this—we mean it. We’re great pals and best friends. We love to spend time together—to share, laugh, love one another, be silly, hang out, or just be quiet. We’re partners.

We decided long ago that nothing—not even our children—would ever come between us. Furthermore, we realized, early on, that one of the most important messages we could give our children was to set an example as two parents who truly love and like each other; two people who prioritize one another and look forward to being together—even though we have a family to nurture and care for.

It appears to have worked really well. Both our children know how we feel about each other. They realize, on a deep level, that we have a mutual respect and admiration for each other, that we stick up for one another, agree on most fronts, and, most of all, that we love each other. There is no question in either of their minds.

In fact, it’s so clear to both of them that, when Saturday morning rolls around, one of them will usually say something like, “Where are you guys going tonight?” or “Who gets to baby sit us tonight?” They assume we are going to go somewhere together because they know it’s important to us—just as it’s important for them to spend time with their best friends. To them, it would seem bizarre if we didn’t.

Every set of parents is obviously different and will have different values and degrees of comfort where this issue is concerned. Our goal isn’t to get other parents to prioritize their lives as we have. Yet, for us, we are positive that we are doing the right thing, not only for our relationship, but for our kids as well. Our guess is that their expectations regarding their boyfriends and future husbands will be fairly high. Our hope is that they will eventually seek partners who value not only their children (if they have them), but their relationships as well.

We know many parents who, even years after having children, rarely go out alone—and a few who never have. It has always seemed to us that, even if you didn’t like each other very much and if your only goal was to send a good message to your children about relationships—then you’d prioritize your relationships, at least once in a while. Otherwise, it would seem, they would grow up believing a “normal” relationship neither requires nor deserves any time or effort the relationship would be seen as secondary, if not dispensable.

It’s been said millions of times before—but worth repeating one more time: If you want a loving relationship, you must prioritize it and treat it as important. The truth is, you vote with your actions. You can say, “My marriage is really important,” but your actions may be saying something entirely different. You may virtually never spend time alone with your spouse, or go out alone with her. Hardly the way you would behave if your goal was to appear loving.

After all, you spend time with the kids and as a family, and you spend time at work, doing chores, shopping for “stuff,” and in front of the television—so why not with your so-called loved one? Is that what you would hope for with your child—that he or she would grow up and never, ever spend time alone with their spouse, once they had children?

Finally, when you spend time together, even though you have children, you send a powerful message to one another that each of you matters, so does your relationship. It’s harder to sweat the small stuff with your partner when you both know that you are important to the other. So, however you do it, and to whatever degree, consider the importance of putting your relationship first. If you do, everyone wins.

The above article came from the book, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff in Love… Simple Ways to Nurture and Strengthen Your Relationships While Avoiding the Habits That Break Down Your Loving Connection, by Richard Carlson, Ph.D. and Kristine Carlson, published by Hyperion. This is a great little book. And although it isn’t a Christian book we’ve found it to be very enjoyable and clean with a lot of great information. As it says in the introduction,

“Despite our optimistic natures, we’re not unrealistic. We’re not suggesting that if you stop sweating the small stuff in love, you will be without problems or issues, or that you won’t become crabby with one another, at least every once in a while. Nor are we suggesting that there won’t be times when you’ll experience doubt or even times when you think your partner is going to drive you crazy. We are suggesting, however, that whatever frustration you do experience will be lessened and that even your struggles and troubles can be approached with greater ease and perspective. In other words, even in the midst of a problem, you will have the confidence to know that you can rise above that problem and solve it, and while you’re at it, get back to your loving connection.”

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