If we’re to be completely honest we all came into our marriages with unexpressed (and unrealistic) expectations which led each and every one of us to experience major disappointments in marriage. And if not dealt with properly, our unmet/unrealized expectations can lead to a disaster.

This week we wanted to provide a practical look at this area of marriage and found an article in the book, Marriage— Clues for the Clueless published by Promise Press. We believe whether you’ve been married 2 weeks or 20 years we can still fall victim to the potential relationship busters of unmet/unrealized expectations. Here’s what they covered in the article:

FOUR PROFOUND LAWS ABOUT EXPECTATIONS:

1. We ALL have them about EVERYTHING (from books to movies, from holidays to how we spend our days off).

2. The degree to which reality fails to measure up to our expectations is the degree to which we will feel disappointed.

3. Repeated disappointments may lead to disenchantment, despair, or even disgust.

4. These first three laws are especially at work in marriage.

A few of the main areas about which married couples have expectations:

Intimate Issues — Spending Patterns — Holidays — Time with Family — Vacations — Exercise — Use of Free Time — Communication Habits/Styles — Diet — Hobbies — Shopping — Clothes — Sleep Habits — Pets — Time Apart— Socializing — Children (how many, discipline, etc.) — Decorating — Finances (giving, saving, investing)— Roles (as a husband or wife)— Entertainment

Are any of these areas ones that you’ve had conflicts over? Well, marital expectations are generally subconscious and seldom verbalized, so that, for example, he comes into the marriage “assuming” that the husband and wife go to bed together at 10 o’clock. (After all this is what his mother and father did.)

Meanwhile she is envisioning that they will stay up late and if she isn’t tired at the same time he is she can stay up later. (Because this is what was modeled for her as she was growing up.) Do you see the potential for disappointment or conflict?

What can couples do to minimize the disappointment?

1. Talk about your expectations. The ideal time to clarify expectations is before marriage. It’s really helpful to know (prior to saying, “I do”) that, while your heart is set on five or six kids, your beloved is expecting maybe one (and only if that one can come with a low-maintenance guarantee.)

However, every couple (even after the wedding) is wise to make a list like the one above and work through it together. And that leads to the next important step.

2. Compromise. If she wants to hang the giant cat picture over the living room sofa, but he was expecting a more many motif-like heads of slain animals, clearly both sides need to give a little. Stubbornness will get you nowhere. Well, actually, it will get you lots of places… they’re just not places a couple needs to go.

3. Do away with unrealistic expectations. If you’re both schoolteachers (and thus, like all educators, vastly underpaid) it’s probably not realistic to expect that you and your spouse will be able to spend each summer at your own private villa overlooking the Mediterranean. Be a bit more reasonable. Lower your sights a tad. If you’re really careful and creative, you might be able to afford an annual camping trip to some national park.

4. Learn the difference between hoping for something and demanding something. Example: While at the office Dave catches a whiff of perfume. Somehow (and scientists are not sure how this happens since this is such a rare phenomenon among men) this scent causes Dave to envision an intimate evening with his wife Dianne.

As he mulls over the prospect in his mind, he moves subtly from, “Man, that sure would be romantic!” to “By golly, I’m going for it tonight!” Now Dave has an expectation (perhaps even a demanding spirit). What happens now if he gets home and Dianne has a headache?

5. Learn the art of contentment . Be appreciative for what you’ve got. Develop an attitude of gratitude. Those with long “wish lists” tend to be the unhappiest people. The Apostle Paul gives us the picture of what a Christ-followers attitude should be in Philippians 4:11-12 where he says, “for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.”

6. Be accepting. Romans 15:7 encourages us to accept one another, just as Christ has accepted us. It’s wise to apply this principle when discussing expectations with your spouse. Yeah, his expectation of “no leftovers ever” is a bit extreme. But so is your expectation that he never be a minute late anywhere.

---

Now would be a good time to take an honest look at some of the areas in your marriage where you have had conflict in the past. Is it possible that some of those “problem areas” may be the result of unmet or unrealized expectations? If so, wouldn’t it also be practical to begin applying these principles so that they won’t be problem areas in the future? 

Proverbs 24:32 says, “I applied my heart to what I observed and learned a lesson from what I saw.” Maybe you’ve lived with unreal, unmet expectations in your marriage for many years. We challenge you to apply what you learned this week and see what God can do for you in your marriage.

Our love and prayers are with you as together we work to make our marriages the best they can be to the glory of God!

Steve and Cindy Wright

 Print This Page (printer-friendly)

 Email This Page