The following is a true testimony written by Nancy Anderson edited from the excellent book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome. Nancy tells what happened to her marriage with her husband Ron after it was discovered that she was having an affair with another man she had worked with. After a long series of circumstances including leaving her husband for a period of time, she eventually came to the realization she wanted to work to put their marriage back together again. Despite all she had done, her husband graciously agreed to do so. When she called her parents and gave them a tearful confession of what had happened, her parents affirmed their love for both of them and expressed interest in helping them rebuild their marital relationship. After traveling a long distance to their home this is what Nancy wrote:
We arrived at my parents’ home late in the evening. After a lot of hugs and a few tears, we went into their family room. After the usual small talk, my Dad spoke the unspoken. “What’s your plan?”
My husband, Ron, leaned forward and said, “Plan? Plan for what?”
“You two are going to have to figure out why your marriage fell apart, how to fix it, and how to make sure it doesn’t happen again.”
Ron replied, “Well, I don’t know if we need to do all that. I don’t even want to talk about what she did. It’s too painful. Nancy’s back home now — we’ll just move on from here.”
Dad continued, “It doesn’t work that way. If you rebuild a house on a cracked foundation, it might be all right for a while; might even feel solid and stable. But when the storms come, the crack will split the house. And the Bible tells us that a house divided won’t stand. If you don’t repair the foundation of your marriage, it won’t survive. The memory of Nancy’s betrayal and the guilt you’ll force her to carry will be unbearable—for both of you. I don’t think you’ll be able to move on until you, Ron, make one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make.”
“What decision is that?”
“Has Nancy told you she’s sorry for what she’s done?”
“Yes, she has apologized to me several times.”
“Did she ask you to forgive her?”
“No, not in those exact words.”
Dad turned to me and continued, “When you tell someone you’re sorry, it’s very different from asking for their forgiveness. Your ’sorry-ness’ is your decision. But when you ask someone to forgive you, that’s their decision. It’s difficult because it gives all the power to the other person.”
“That’s a scary thought,” I said, without meaning to say it aloud.
Then he spoke to Ron, who looked confused and apprehensive. “When you forgive someone, you make a choice to banish the offense from your mind and your heart. Jesus said that after He forgives us, our sins are as far away as the East is from the West. In other words, they are pardoned. Not because we’re not guilty, but because we are. Our pardon is undeserved — it’s a gift to us from God.”
He continued, “If you decide to forgive Nancy, you can never use her sin against her. God will give you the strength to start a new life together. If you choose not to forgive, if you want to hold on to the pain, or punish her, and keep her wound open, that will be your choice. But if you choose that, I don’t think you’ll stay married. You have biblical grounds to divorce her, but you don’t have to. It is your decision. I want you both to pray about what I’ve said, and make your decision. We will continue this conversation in the morning.”
After a long and restless night, we met again. The three of them were sitting at the kitchen table, waiting for me. I felt like the adulterous woman wearing the Scarlet Letter on the way to her hanging. If Ron would not forgive me, the noose would tighten around my neck and the floor would seem to drop away. I was completely at his mercy.
I avoided eye contact and sat directly across from Ron. I asked my dad, “How do we do this? I want to ask Ron to forgive me, but what do I say?”
“If you’ve decided to ask Ron’s forgiveness, tell him what you want to be forgiven for, and then simply ask him the question. Ron will decide whether to forgive you or not. You ask; he answers. It’s the simplest thing you two will ever do — and the hardest.”
Ron had his head down so I couldn’t read his eyes. I thought, “What if I ask Ron for mercy and he denies me? What am I going to do if he starts to lecture me or list off all my sins?”
I looked over at my sweet, wounded husband and saw the wide-eyed face of a frightened twelve-year-old boy. I spoke quickly so that I wouldn’t lose the safety of the moment. “Ron, I’ve betrayed you mentally, spiritually, and physically. I’ve lied to you and deceived you. I have no defense, no excuses. I’ve sinned against God and against you. Can you — will you please forgive me?”
He leaned forward, never letting go of my eyes. The little boy was gone as my strong and confidant husband took my hands in his and said, “Nancy, we’ve both done and said terrible things to each other. Our marriage was a mess — and a lot of it was my fault. But I take a stand today to change all that. You have betrayed me, but I choose to forgive you.”
We both began to cry and our tears mixed with divine love that flowed through the room. Our hearts were knit together—as one. We began again with a new, solid marriage foundation.
After we made the decision to reconcile and reform our marriage, we immediately sought advice from many different sources. We went to a Christian marriage counselor, who helped us learn to communicate more effectively. We also read several books about “starting over” and attended some marriage retreats and workshops.
One of the most important things we did was join a wonderful church and faithfully attend worship services and adult Sunday school classes. We received solid biblical teaching from a godly pastor, and we acted on his instruction.
The transformation was a slow process. We’d developed many destructive habits, and some of them took years to die. We decided to stay together and act lovingly toward each other, and eventually our feelings caught up with our actions. We learned that married love is not a feeling. It is a decision — and we decided to love each other.
Since our reconciliation in 1980, we’ve completely rebuilt our marriage. We had to destroy the old foundation—selfishness—and rebuild upon the rock—Jesus. We used a perfect blueprint—the Bible—and now our home stands firm.
We also created a new landscape for our marriage, planting hedges around it for protection. What are hedges? Hedges are boundaries. In Mark 12:1 Jesus said, “A man planted a vineyard and set a hedge around it.” First, the man planted a vineyard. Think of your marriage as a vineyard. You “planted” it the day you said, I do.
Next, the man in the parable placed a hedge around his vineyard. Why? Several reasons: to protect it from intrusion by animals and thieves; to keep his vines inside his vineyard; and to separate his territory from his neighbor’s.
A hedge makes the statement, “Private Property, No Trespassing.” The symbolic hedges around our marriages serve the same purposes. As married couples, our goal, as co-owners of our vineyard, is to keep the good things in —and the bad things out.
I also refuse to entertain the stray thoughts anymore. Instead, I replaced them with images of the new life that Ron and I were building. I also discovered that encouraging others with our story of restoration gave a purpose to our pain. This summer, we will celebrate our 27th wedding anniversary and I’m thrilled to tell you that our marriage is strong, loving, and healed.
Author Nancy Anderson and her husband, Ron, conduct couples’ retreats and marriage seminars to help others to predict, prevent or pardon infidelity. You can read more from Nancy at www.NancyCAnderson.
Adapted from the book, Avoiding The Greener Grass Syndrome, published by Kregel Publications. As some reviewers have said —which we agree, “This is wisdom born of tragic but genuine experience. Because Nancy Anderson nearly ruined her marriage due to infidelity, she truly knows the misery that an affair can cause. Her honesty, vulnerability, and repentance provide marital lessons guaranteed to revitalize and strengthen couples who are susceptible to the lure of an affair. She does a terrific job telling her compelling U-turn story of rebellion, repentance, and restoration. In the second part of the book, she gives helpful suggestions and funny examples that demonstrate how to create a healthy and satisfying marriage. She has a delightful way of teaching without preaching.” This really is a very good book for every Christian couple to read! We highly recommend it.
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(USA) A very heart touching story. I’m on the opposite side. I’m the husband who had committed the sin. Even though it had happened years ago before I was saved, my wife found out about it almost a month ago. She had cut me off completely. I was told not to return home. I’ve been disconnected from her and my daughters. Her family was told about it and they are devastated by it and are siding with her. What burns me up is that she too is a Christian and she knows that harboring an offense and being unforgiving is poison to her soul.
I’m not trying to minimize what I had done. I know it was a terrible lapse of judgment and she has every right to feel betrayed, hurt, angry, and sorrow. At the same time however, tomorrow is never guaranteed and I would feel horrible if something were to happen to her and she never would have gotten the chance to forgive me. Knowing GOD’s word, the punishment would be far greater than the pain she is going through now.
My only recourse so far is to seek refuge in the LORD. I’ve been praying, fasting and reading his word. Since I know HE can move mountains and fight battles, I know HE will deliver me from this as well. I’ll admit being patient and waiting on HIM is hard. But things will turn around. Last week I apologize to my mother in-law for the pain and shame my actions had brought in an e-mail. It was a heartfelt apology. She did forward it to my wife. I’m starting to believe that the LORD is starting to soften her heart a little because I did speak to her today (even though it was strictly over a financial matter). It did feel good to hear her voice. This, after she told our Pastor that she wasn’t ready to speak to me at all.
Finally I believe prayer is like a missile. It can be pointed at anybody, unbeknown to them, and it will have an impact at some point. The LORD will restore my marriage.
I thank the LORD that you shared this post. May God Bless You.
(USA) Hello. I must say this story is very touching, and very helpful to someone like me. In my case, I’m the one who committed the sin. My wife caught me with another woman at her friend’s house. It’s now been almost six weeks since my wife and I have been separated.
The day she was cleaning out her stuff, she told me she doesn’t need an explanation… she’ll be waiting on me for the divorce. I never had a chance to talk to her ever since, until four weeks later. Surprisingly, we finally sat down to talk one on one. She made it clear to me that she can’t be with me. I asked her for forgiveness, she said she forgave me along time ago. But she can’t stay married with me because she can’t forget what I did to her. I literally begged her to come back even if she needs more time, I don’t mind. I only need the assurance that she will come back home.
I was devastated because she meant what she said. We are still away from each other. However, from time to time, I would send her an email expressing how sorry I am, and that I don’t want to lose her. I would send her a little text messages here and there about normal stuff. She would reply to some of them.
The last email I sent her was to mention the movie Fireproof to her. She watched it, and told me she liked it very much. But she can’t be with me because, one it’s a different situation, and two for the fact she can’t forgive and forget. I left the apartment we shared together because I don’t want to deal with the memories and it was too much to pay it on my own.
Now that’s the last stop. I’m already out of what to do, what actions to take. I took a trip to Orlando to visit my mom and my sisters. But I’m thinking to myself since I’m here with my family, I don’t want to go back to New York, because my purpose was my wife. Now she’s gone. Please tell me what I should do. How do I act on this matter to convince her and gain the trust again? Thank You
(USA) Romeo, God bless you for baring your soul, but bare your soul to your wife, ask her forgiveness and pray. You are going to have to “walk out” your change in front of her. She’s going to have to see the change in you for herself. Stay in constant contact with her and don’t drop the ball! Little things mean a lot to women, so your little messages letting her know that you love her and thinking of her and even letting her know that what you said about her being your purpose… cuz she is according to the way God designed marriage. Consistence will mean a lot to her. She may not be receptive at first, but God is able.
You have to have a place of your own so that she knows she has to have a place to come back to when she comes back to you.
You not only need to pray for her forgiveness of you, but be prepared to forgive her if she has been with someone else since your separation. A great prayer is in Psalm 51:1-17 when David was confronted by Nathan the prophet about his adultery with Bathsheba, he (David) prayed the “create in me a clean heart” prayer. Pray the whole thing daily. The change has to start with you!
I pray God will deliver you both and make you a testament to His greatness and that all things are possible with Him!
P.S. The porn addiction depicted in “Fireproof” is EXACTLY the same as adultery! Even if it only happened on the screen and in his mind, the Bible says that if a man lusts in his heart, he’s guilty of adultery. Do the “Love Dare”!!! I dare you!!!
(USA) I thank God for this site and this posting (as well as many others I’ve discovered and shared over the past weeks). Though I wish I didn’t have to through this, I thank God for preparing me to handle it. I must testify that we all plant seeds early in our life and early in our relationships that will surely bear fruit has God has warned us.
Just as He is true to that word we should know that he will be true to all of his words, and know that he can bring us out of any situation as long as we get out of his way. Please pray for me, my wife and our marriage.
May God bless you.
(USA) MY HUSBAND HAS BEEN HAVING AN AFFAIR FOR 3 Years. HE HAS MOVED OUT AND MOVED HOME. HE SAYS HE LOVES ME BUT HE IS CONFUSED. HE TREATS ME LIKE A QUEEN AND CONSTANTLY APOLOGIZES AND THEN, WHAM, HE IS BACK WITH THE GIRLFRIEND.
I am scared to move on. We have watched the Fireproof movie and he was willing to work on our marriage. That was two months ago. He is now with his girlfriend.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I am a Christian woman who is having an affair with another man. It’s been on and off for the last 2 years of my marriage. Just when I think I’m over him he comes and says sweet things which completely draws me back. My husband is very sweet and God fearing. I love my husband but also am attracted to this other man. Unfortunately, I have also been living away from my husband for the last 2 years as I was transferred to work in another city. I need to break this!
(USA) Why don’t you quit your job and move back? “For what shall it profit if you inherit the whole world, and lose your own soul”? Admit it and quit it. Confess to your husband and church and sincerely repent and make a conscious decision to never do it again. Maybe he’ll forgive you.
(SA) Dear Chanda, I’ve read your post and know exactly what you are going through. I myself also had an affair with another man, whilst being a Christian woman married to a great Godly man. Although my affair was more emotionally bound than physically, I do know the feelings and emotions involved in both, must be the same I also tried breaking the affair many many times, just to end up going back to this guy who made me feel so good in every possible way. But I knew what was doing is wrong in God’s eyes.
It even went so far that I separated from my husband for a month, and started drawing up divorce papers. I was adamant to get divorced, to get out of the “loveless” marriage that I am in, because that is how I felt. It felt like my husband and I stopped loving each other, we lived our lives past each other, each busy with their own thing, and although being within a relationship, a marriage for that matter, I felt SO lonely. This other guy was like medicine to a sick body, cause I couldn’t go on living a life where I pretended I was happy all the time. Don’t get me wrong, cause I did love my husband, but not in a way that made me feel I can grow old with him anymore.
To make the long story short, the day that I was going to hand the divorce papers in at the court, my husband sms’d me and said he missed me. It was most definitely God who intervened, cause I broke down in tears and never went to the court.
During this separation time, I continued my relationship with the other guy. We planned a holiday away and it actually felt like I was happy again for the first time in a long while. But boy, the devil is very sneaky. Being a Christian, having studied christian counseling, I knew all the right answers and knew what I had to do. But I didn’t want to, I was so blinded by Satan’s lies, and I just wanted to focus on my own human being feelings and happiness. I just didn’t care anymore about the vows I made to God and my husband.
Well, I do believe God never lets go of His children… we are the ones who move away from Him. So the Holy Spirit continued to gently speak to my soul. After a lot things which I am not going to write about now, as it will take up the whole page,
, I decided to completely stop and end this affair, to not proceed with the divorce and to move back to my husband and work on my marriage. Was it a easy decision? No! Was it something that “I” wanted to do? No! I really didn’t want to do it, but I told God, I am doing it for HIM and out of obedience. This time, only by God’s grace, was I able to completely broke off the affair.
Let me just tell you another thing, the Word says the truth will set you free. And that is SO true. See, all the other times that I tried breaking the affair, no one knew about it, it was my secret, so I could just never be set free from this affair. I kept on going back. But once my affair came to light: I told my husband, I told my mom, and some of our very close Christian friends, we could take into accountability, I was able to break ALL contact and not go back again. Does this mean I didn’t want to anymore? No, I still so badly wanted to call him up again, I missed him so much!!! And yes, I could have made contact, and still no one would have known. No one except God and myself. But I just begged God to take away this pain and to help me stay strong.
It has almost been two months now of no contact with this guy. Was and is it easy? Definitely not. You see, our minds are very powerful things, cause I kept thinking of him, and the devil got even more sneakier, because he tried telling me.. “what is the use you are back with your husband? Yes you did break contact with this guy, but you’re still thinking of him, so in all essence you are still not being honest with your husband.” This made me feel that my husband would be much better off without me, even though he decided to forgive me and take me back. God bless Him!! I wish I can tell you all, but I would be writing forever.
Okay, so how did I get through this and continue to stay strong? Well, I FORCED myself to not think about him, and when the thoughts would creep in, I focused on God, or focused on my loving husband who took me back. Let me tell you, the first month back with my husband wasn’t all sunshine and roses! It was hard!!! We almost ended it, cause we felt just doing it for right reasons, is not easy. But let me tell you, if you just give one step of obedience, God will honor that and use it. And I prayed, “God, you see my heart and you know me. I want to be obedient to you, and Lord, I pray that when you see this obedience, you will bless me and my marriage.”
Also on this note, let me tell you that I felt completely dead towards my husband. I didn’t know how it would be possible to work on a marriage where you feel totally dead. But once again, I laid my feelings in front of God. See, God is in the business of restoration. He is the only one capable of doing so. Out of my own… I just can’t do it. And I once I got to this stage, when I realised that I have to surrender MY ALL unto Him, including my feelings and emotions, things started turning around for the better. I had to learn to love my husband with a Godly love, and this is difficult for us women, cause we want act on emotions and feelings and live for romantic moments, but God showed me that I had to love my husband the way He (God) loves me.
How did God love us? He offered up Himself. So what did I do? I offered up my own selfish being, my own longings. I “forced” myself to do things for my husband, which I can tell you, I didn’t really want to do. But it is things that I knew would make him happy and things he longed for. Also, taking this new attitude, is a constant habit I need to choose to do every single day.
I can tell you know honestly, after a rocky almost 2 months of being back, God is busy restoring my old “in love” feelings for my dear husband. Just a conclusion I came to myself… I always felt that my husband never loved me the way I wanted to be loved, NOT knowing he felt the exact same way, so once I started CHOOSING to love him and do things for him that would make him happy, I started getting things and love in return the way I wanted it.
I left a post on another topic about affairs on this website, and Cindy said hopefully one day I would write again as not being “sad” (my nick name on here). Well Cindy, that Sad is of no effect anymore. It is now Happy
God is busy restoring my marriage once I allowed Him to. He is busy restoring my feelings and my happiness. He has given me the strength to stay strong from falling back in this affair, as this is what my human spirit and flesh wanted to do.
Dear Chanda, I know that you know what you need to do, and yes it seems impossible, but believe me, all things in Christ are indeed possible. You’ve got to allow God to work, He is the only one that can do so. It is not going to be easy, and I think you know that, it is actually going to be even harder to work on your marriage now, but allowing God to help you and strengthen you, you will be able to overcome it, sooner or later.
From my side, I also just want to say, it doesn’t happen overnight, you will continue to fight against this battle and this affair. You probably feel this other guy is a good guy, you don’t want to hurt him. Scripture that God gave me, which was such an eye opener to me was the following:
Pro 2:16 To deliver thee from the strange woman, even from the stranger which flattereth with her words
Pro 2:17 Which forsaketh the guide of her youth, and forgetteth the covenant of her God.
Pro 2:18 For her house inclineth unto death, and her paths unto the dead.
Pro 2:19 None that go unto her return again, neither take they hold of the paths of life.
This is a warning against the adulterous woman. And this got me thinking that if I had to continue with the divorce and pursued my relationship with this other guy, indirectly my actions would have lead to not just mine, but also his “death”. I was really taken back by this thought, cause how can I claim that I love and care for him, but was willing to lead him to his “death”? If this makes any sense at all! But this is really what opened my eyes even so much more.
God will bless you for doing the RIGHT thing, He will restore your marriage and time will heal your hurt. It is not too late, and I’ve been where you are. Although you want to stop the affair, so also don’t want to. But take a step of faith and obedience, for God WILL honor this! I will pray for you and pray that you will do the right thing, and that with things that would follow on that decision, that you would stay strong in Christ! Good luck…
(USA) Would you be willing to speak with my wife? She is in the same situation you have described here only she has filed for divorce and is living with the other guy. I don’t want a divorce and don’t believe God will abolish our marriage, other wise it wouldn’t say whosoever marries that who is divorced commits adultery. Would you allow me to contact you and request your advice if I sent you my email? I hope the moderator sends them both to you.
My wife says she knows what the Bible says, but doesn’t care. But a few months ago she said she knew what she was doing was wrong, and she also said that God would not forgive her. I told her that she was mistaken. God will forgive her if she honestly repents..
(SA) Dear Dale, Sorry for only replying now, haven’t really come on this website in such a long time. I don’t really know what the policy of this site is on exchanging details, and your post was almost a month ago as well. But how are you doing? How is your wife doing? Is she still staying with the other guy?
(US) I appreciate this post discussion. It is helping me to understand the pain caused by the betrayal of ones trust. I have a situation where my ex-wife had an emotional affair. We had been married 5 years and our marriage got into trouble. We were fighting all the time and just being disobedient. This came to a breaking point for my wife and last summer she (I later found out) called an old flame she had known for 20 years and they met for coffee.
One year later things got so bad she wanted a divorce. I didn’t and vowed to work on our marriage and my part in the problem. She insisted and went through with it. I pleaded with her to no avail. Anyway after the divorce was final in about 2 months I find out she has remarried to this man. I figured at this point she had really closed the door on us.
About a month later she is calling me crying and upset. She was having major regrets about divorcing me and wanted to talk with me. I told her I could not see her as long as she was married. I would be doing just what she had done to me.
So here we are come full circle and she wants to know why we couldn’t make it work. She is not happy in her new marriage and it doesn’t feel like a marriage at all. She is seeking counseling to work all this out. In the meantime I am looking at my options for I still have feelings for her.
We are wanting to get back together. She has to do some hard things and seek God in all this. I am not mixed up in all that God commands about divorce and remarriage. I have studied it out. I know God can make things right. As I have read on these posts God can restore marriages. Any help as to my dilema would certainly be appreciated. Thanks.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Sad—->Happy your story and advice has really touched me. You said exactly how I am feeling. I am writing this with tears because I don’t feel so alone anymore and have someone who understands what I am going through. I’ve never told anyone about my affair, not my mother, husband or any friend. It has given me such self loathing and many sleepless nights. Despite all this though, I’m hooked to this other man.
In early 2000, my father passed away from HIV?AIDS. Just before he passed away I remembered all the repressed memories, from when I was around 9 years old, of his affairs while he was married to my mother. My younger sister and I were staying with him and she probably didn’t know what was going on. Even though I was young, I did not like the way he was acting with these women and disliked them. When I remembered in early 2000, I knew it was affairs and in my young mind, even though I didn’t understand fully, I knew it was wrong. Feelings of such hate overcame me such that I could not even sit next to him and avoided speaking to him whenever possible.
I never told anyone about these memories and through prayer managed to forgive him and love him before he passed on. Towards the end I was the one looking after him and cuddling and he also constantly wanted me by his bedside. I believe he knew that I now remembered his affairs and it’s a secret that we shared. Now, I am doing what he did and what I briefly hated him for doing to my mother.
I haven’t told any of my Christian friends either because I am afraid of being jugded and messing up the image they have of my perfect marriage to a wonderful godly man. I can’t tell my husband because I strongly believe, no, I think I know that he will leave me. He would not understand. He would probably forgive me but not stay married to me. I don’t want to lose him. Exposure to others of my affair would be a great embarrassment to my family.
I have tried many times to understand why I am doing this. I believe if this is not answered then I might fall into another affair again. Am I doing this because I’ve been told I can’t have children? Is it because my father did it? Is it because I miss my father? Is it because I’m selfish? Is it because I’m unhappy? I SHOULD be happy in my marriage and with my husband. He loves me, I love him and we don’t seem to have any problems, which is why I think I MUST be the one with a problem. I’ve tried going to a professional counsellor but because my husband is the principal member he would have to know. I really don’t understand why I do it -am I lacking self esteem, insecure, need to be praised all the time, seek attention- I don’t know.
On Sunday I made a decision to start praying earnstly about it, everyday. I am trying to take a day at a time. I have not been praying regularly because I feel too ashamed and sinful to be in the presence of God. I believe God is the greatest counsellor.
Thank you once again for your counsel.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Dear Chanda, Oh how my heart cries with you, cause all that you have described sounds so familiar. So yes, I do understand exactly what you are going through. During the time of my affair, I also had so many sleepless nights, cause I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I just couldn’t get myself to stop it completely. When I did try and stop it, I was so miserable and down, after a couple of days I would go back to this guy. Worst of all, there were even times where I wanted to take my own life, cause I thought that would be only way I can stop the pain – for EVERYone.
Oh my dear friend in Christ, you really are in my prayers now, cause I know how you feel. Praise to God, that you have taken a step in the right direction by looking for the right answers – by finding this website and by starting to pray about it. That is more than what I did, I only started doing these things after the affair stopped.
But Chanda, as for what you have shared about your father, I can also relate to a little bit of that. See, my father also had an affair with a very good house friend of our family. It went on for 5 years. And during this time, my young spirit always knew something was not right, even though I didn’t fully understood. Well, unfortunately the affair came to light, actually after my dad had stopped it and we moved to another town. For 3 years my mom and dad were constantly fighting, and never were us children told, but I just knew.
It even got worse, my parents eventually got divorced – 2 months before my own wedding! It was such a hard time for me, and this wonderful picture I had about my family got shattered. I made a vow to myself that I would NEVER EVER commit adultery, just because I saw how it can destroy so many people’s lives And yet… 2 years later… I stepped into the same booby trap! I did that which I always hated. Those Bible verses in Romans 7 are so true, where it says that which we shouldn’t do and know we shouldn’t do, we actually do.
Chanda, I want to tell you, you are not a bad person. Also remember that no sin is greater than another. They are all the same in God’s eyes, so whether you tell a small lie or whether you commit adultery, God still died for these sins and are willing to forgive you. I also always wondered why did I do it? Was it because of my father? Was it because I didn’t feel loved enough? Did I want more attention? I still don’t know Chanda, but what I do know is, although sin is out of own choice, and although Satan so badly wanted to get to me, I do believe that God allowed it to happen to me for a certain reason. That reason I don’t not fully understand yet, BUT I do know, that God has forgiven me, and that I am becoming stronger day by day, and that I am not a bad person. Unfortunately I just fell into Satan’s trap, but still I was able to overcome it. See Satan never won, cause I stopped the affair and did not proceed with the divorce. So, he hasn’t won over your life yet, cause you are taking steps in the right direction, you are seeking to do the right thing, and God will honor and bless you for that. But, again, now things are going to become even more harder. Oh how I know, I was there. It was the worst time of my life, having to choose to stop the affair, it was so hard!!
Also, what you said about being scared you will be judged by your friends once they find out, let me tell you, I felt exactly the same. See, everyone always thought we had the PERFECT marriage and that we were so happy. I was so scared to actually tell them the truth. But it so happened that a lot of people did find out, and I myself decided to share with some of them all of it. Our God is such a merciful God – not ONE of them judged me in any possible way. Instead they all “praised” and thanked me for being honest, they encouraged me, and they prayed for me, and still continue to support me.
I also thought should my husband find out about ALL the details of the affair, he would surely leave me! There was no way he would take me back. And yet, he did get to know ALL the ugly truth, and again, our God, who is so merciful, I believe, gave him the power to forgive me and take me back.
I want to encourage you to do go for counseling. I understand what you said about your husband being the main member, I presume on the medical aid, but maybe look for a local church who has counselors who would do it for free. Also, get someone you can be accountable to, someone who you can trust will give you right advice, and let this person be a woman. I’ve learned how important it is to not open up my heart to someone from the opposite sex, especially when we are so vulnerable during a thing like this.
I will continue to pray for you, and hope you continue to seeking God’s will and His plan for your life. Please remember it is never too late. God is in the business of restoration, of performing miracles, and my life and marriage is a testimony of it, cause I also thought there is no hope. I will also pray for your husband, that God would start working in his heart, so when the time comes, that perhaps he does find out, he would also seek to do God’s will. I am also going to pray for this other guy you are involved in, that somehow the Spirit would also convict him, that both of you would be able to see the importance of stopping it. Chanda, just remember both you and this guy, are victims of Satan’s lies. You are not the only “Christian” who fell into this sin, there are so many, and also so many that overcame it by the Grace of God! Continue to pray! Continue to seek God’s will! God will make a way, where there seems to be no way. God loves you very much and He will be with you every step of the way! God bless. With lots of love.
(USA) Chandra: Your testimony blessed me today. You story is my husband’s story verbatim. He is yet preparing to leave again. I am heart broken beyond measure. I seek God. The enemy had and has off and on snared me in the traps of depression. I continue to read my word for encouragement. I desprately cling to the hem of his garment and despite the hurt and pain, try not to act in any way contrary to my Lord and Savior. I ask the Lord to let me see my husband the way he does.
I read Proverbs today and it speaks directly of the “immoral woman” and how her smooth tongue leads the man to death. Your words touched my soul because the OW is a Christian and I often thought exactly what you said. If she reads the word and knows that this is what she is, how could she say she loves my husband when the death of him is at stake at her expense? The word says we perish for lack of knowledge. I cry out for my husband’s soul. I am not angry at him or OW, but mad at the adversary.To watch him succumb to the continued plots of the evil one breaks my heart. My spirit is quiet. The enemy tells me lies that I better start talking, pleading, saying something because he’s out again.
I take my offenses to the Lord. I cannot trust what will come out of my mouth because pain, fear and despair will speak instead of the love of God. So I remain silient. I ask God how I am back at this place of darkness again. Please show me me. Your words were a balm but as of this day, I struggle. To read your words lets me know there is still yet hope. Because each and everytime I want to give up he sends help. God Bless!!
(SOUTH AFRICA) Lynne, I am very blessed that my testimony blessed you. Sad—-> Happy, I am so touched by God in you. Thank you so much for encouraging me and for your prayers! I pray that God blesses you and your family more than you can ever imagine or think of. It means so much for me to read about your experience and also to be a blessing to others. I truly thank God for sending you all to this site, to bless me so much. I can now testify that sharing our burdens and praying for each other as Christians, bless us. I am determined and encouraged by your support and prayers to go through with the break-up and get right with God.
Today, as I was meditating and reading Gods word, it dawned on me that despite all that I have- a good career, a loving family, a lovely church and friends, my lack of fulfilment could be because even though I’m born again and a Christian, I am half empty because I am not yet fully living for Christ who can and will fill the hole in me. I have not yet learnt to put God first in all and because of this I seek to fill my life with other things I should not be involved in. He came so that we can have life abundantly.
Lynne, hang in there. It must be difficult to understand anything that your husband is doing, and he probably like me knows the truth and doesn’t understand. Pray for him, the woman involved and seek God’s direction.