We think one of the most important messages we can share this Easter is the very reason Christ came to earth—to sacrifice Himself so that we could experience forgiveness for all we’ve done wrong. We also believe one of the most important messages we can proclaim to the world we live in today is that the single greatest gift we can ever give someone is forgiveness.

In our 31 plus years of marriage we’ve had to give the gift of forgiveness to each other many times. It’s never been easy, but we both know that if we hadn’t “forgiven as Christ has forgiven us,” our relationship would not be what it is today. So, we’d like to share some principles about forgiveness that we all need to remember and employ if we are to have our marriages be truly “Christ-like.” They’re adapted from the book, Called Together, by Steve and Mary Prokopchak, published by Horizon Books.

1. Choose to forgive. Just as Jesus “chose” to forgive us, so we must choose to forgive our spouse when they hurt or sin against us. Forgiveness begins with a decision that, in Jesus’ name, we will obey God and forgive the one who has hurt us. Ephesians 4:32 says “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Jesus also made it clear in Matthew 18:35 that this decision to forgive is to come from the heart.

But what about feelings? Forgiveness doesn’t start with feelings but with a decision. You don’t need to wait for the right “feeling” before deciding to forgive. Just think where we’d all be if Jesus waited until He “felt” like forgiving us. We do need to be alert too. Satan may try to bring some feelings of resentment back into your life (1 Peter 5:8-10). You don’t need to feel guilty about these temptations but you do need to deal with them. Since you’ve already made your choice to forgive, you need to stand firm on having already forgiven your spouse in “Jesus’ name.”

2. Confess your sin to God. This can be a hard truth to swallow but unforgiveness is a sin against God. It’s disobedience to His command to forgive others as He has forgiven us (Ephesians 4:32). There’s no place in the Bible that “lets us off the hook.” We forgive knowing Christ did that for us.

Our unforgiveness can keep people from experiencing God’s forgiveness. Our unforgiving attitude will sometimes “slam their ears shut” and block the way of their seeing the revelation Christ has for them. “We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making His appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God. God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God” (2 Corinthians 5:20-21).

3. Ask forgiveness of those you wronged. Once we recognize that we’re an offender —the guilty party in a situation with our spouse —we’re responsible to restore the relationship. Accept responsibility for the wrong you’ve done and ask your spouse for forgiveness. If you don’t know what you did wrong, ask God to show you. Simply ask for forgiveness. Don’t go into details that would do more harm than good.

It’s good to look right at the person when you tell him/her what you did wrong and ask, “Will you forgive me?” Wait for an answer. If they say, “Yes, I’ll forgive you,” this will bring a release to them also. However, regardless of their answer, by confessing your sin and asking for forgiveness, you have been obedient. You can now leave the situation in God’s hands.

4. Ask God to bless the person who hurt you. “Bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you” (Luke 6:28). Ask God to truly bless the person who hurt you. And as you do this, follow the example of Jesus in asking God to bless them by forgiving them!

5. Do something nice for the person who hurt you (bless him/her)—expecting nothing in return. “Do good to those who hate you” (Luke 6:27). “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good” (Romans 12:21).

6. Accept your spouse the way he or she is, even when they’re wrong. Don’t defend what they’ve done, but defend them as a person. You’re not approving of their behavior but you still need to treat them with dignity, respect, love and kindness anyway.

“Accept one another then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.” (Romans 15:7)

7. Look at your spouse through the eyes of faith and believe God to change them.

Don’t concentrate on areas of weakness, sin or irritation. Rather concentrate on seeing that person as God wants him or her to be. Believe that God will answer your prayers for them. Follow Abraham’s example and by faith see things that are not as they appear (Romans 4: 16-21). Begin to think and speak positively about them (1Corinthians 13:7). Love “always trusts, always hopes…”

SUMMARY:

Here’s a short, personalized summary of these seven steps to forgiveness:

1. In Jesus’ name, I choose to forgive those who have hurt me.
2. I will confess my sins to God, especially the terrible sin of unforgiveness. (And, but faith, I will receive God’s forgiveness and cleansing.)
3. I will, as God directs me, ask others for forgiveness for the wrongs I have done to them.
4. From now on, I will ask God to bless the one who has hurt me.
5. I too will bless that person, doing kind, helpful things for him/her.
6. I will accept him/her and treat him/her with love and respect.
7. I will look at that person through eyes of faith, and trust God to work in him/her.

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Marriages heal when we stop looking at what our partner should do to make our marriage better and instead, look at what we need to do. And the first step in all of this is to forgive as we have been forgiven— looking to Christ as our example, and as One who can give us the power to “set the captive free.” And eventually we’ll find out that the captive was us all along —because of the damage that an unforgiving spirit can do within us and all around us to everyone whose lives we influence.With Christ as our example, it’s our prayer that God will show us in our marriages how to empty ourselves of all but love—to give love, forgiveness, and grace as we’ve been given love, forgiveness, and grace—through all that Christ did for us in His life here on earth—through all He did for us through His death on the cross—and all He did for us through His resurrection. May we never forget! 

Steve and Cindy Wright