They talk a lot about using “protection” when you have sexual relations with someone (other than your spouse). But as someone (unknown) once said,
“There is no condom for the brain or the heart. So when you have sex before marriage you’re playing with fire that will most likely burn you at some point in your life… especially in your marriage relationship.”
And tragically a lot of couples are finding this to be true. How do you erase the memories you have of having sex with someone else and even playing “the comparison game” when you are making love with your spouse? And how do you deal with the guilt when you realize that you have violated God’s standards?
When you confess and ask the Lord for forgiveness, “God is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness,” but then there’s the matter of forgiving yourself and moving on in life past it. Premarital sex is sin and sin causes problems.
As Brian and Heather Jamison said,
“Premarital sex wounds the sanctity of a heart and, left untreated, can scar a marriage for a lifetime. We speak from experience; our relationship began with a fall. And we have the scars to prove it.”
To learn further what Brian and Heather learned that helped them to deal with this issue and to read about the “Four Keys to Reclaiming Intimacy” that the Jamison’s pass along to help others dealing with this situation, click onto the web site link provided below:
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(USA) Hi there, I just wanted to get anyone’s advice. I am 26 yrs old, female, and I’ve never had sex. I’ve recently met a man who I am very interested in… who is the same age as myself…. however, he’s had about 15 sexual partners in his past (one of which is his ex-wife). I really feel this man and myself are extremely compatible in so many ways… but I feel bad that he did not save himself. I am not bothered by him having sex with his ex-wife…. obviously that’s fine as they were married. But all the women from his past trouble me. Most of the women he slept with were during his early college years (when he used to drink and such). After that time, he gave up drinking, drugs, etc… and decided to live a clean life. So for the past several years, he has been completely alcohol/drug free. He’s extremely kind, loving, and mature today… and I deeply admire him as a person. He doesn’t regret his past though, as he says it was necessary to shaping him as the person that he is today. He also was completely faithful to his ex-wife during the few years they were married, and only separated from her after she had affairs on him. Does anyone have any comments on this situation? Am I wrong to be disappointed that he isn’t a virgin as well? I wish things were different, but I haven’t decided whether this is a deal-breaker.
This man knows about my aversion to premarital sex, and if we actually did get into a relationship (theoretically)…. he wouldn’t ever push me to have sex before marriage with him. So that’s not a concern. The real issue here is my disappointment with his past. I’ve told him that I see premarital sex as not respecting the other person… but he doesn’t see it that way. He says he respects women very much (and his other actions do back that up). So I’m just confused.
(AUSTRALIA) Hi GD, I sure hope I can give a bit of light on this subject with the love of our Lord and Saviour. Reason being it is also a very important subject to me for it affects your relationship with our Lord tremendously. Much more than we ever imagine because we need to find what sex means to the Lord. Sex in the eyes of the Lord is a covenant – refer to the bit of blood from a woman’s virginity, because every covenant is sealed with blood. See various examples in the Bible (I can give them to you if you’re interested).
Then one must look at the importance of a covenant compared to a contract or any other agreement. A covenant is so special and based on biblical principles with heavenly blessings. I can give more info if needed.
First I would like to explain your situation at the moment and if your purity and refraining from premarital sex means anything. Refraining from premarital sex is a biblical principle and something the Lord honours very much. Therefore I accept you being a saved child of God who would love to live according to God’s Word. Well then, you are a very special and blessed person to be able to keep yourself from premarital sex. The Lord will honour you for that so please don’t see it as missed opportunities or wasting time. Yes, the unsaved world will see it as a waste of time for they don’t understand Gods Word.
Now we look at your boyfriend’s situation. First you need to determine if he has committed his life to the Lord, because you don’t want to engage into a relationship with an unsaved person. An unsaved person will never understand the importance of your refraining from sex, for the Bible says it is foolishness to the world (the unsaved). If he is saved then God has forgiven all his transgressions and we’re not allowed to keep it against him, but unsaved you have no guarantee that he will stay true to you.
And I would like to emphasize that you have something special and you should share it with somebody special. Please accept this with the love of the Lord for He only wants a special life for you. See Jeremiah 29:11 for the thoughts the Lord has each one of us. Take care.
(USA) (USA) Hi GD, I’m not sure if you are still confused or seeking advice but I would like to commend you on being a virgin and give this comment. Your disappointment over your boyfriend’s past decisions is genuine. Anyone that has been strong enough to accept the wisdom of God and obey Him while denying themselves would probably not relate to why it would be so hard for someone else to do the same.
Please understand this is a void that can only be filled by unconditional love and forgiveness. If you are confused and disappointed now, in the future when any amount of pressure is added to this relationship this weak place will be affected. Since God has kept you this long and you do have some concerns about a commitment with this individual, your own questions confirm your doubts. "The blessing of the Lord, it maketh rich, and He addeth no sorrow with it."(Prov. 10:22)
You are a blessing for the husband that finds you, will this be a blessing to you? God has a plan for you, do you believe that this is it? If so you should have no regrets. God Bless,
Regretfully Yours.
(US) Chris, I recognize that I bring a very different perspective to this discussion, but I was struck by your comment that those who are "unsaved" will view the decision to wait until marriage as "foolishness." While you don’t say what you consider "saved," I almost certainly do not fall into that category and yet I have the utmost respect for G.D’s decision to wait for marriage. I believe sex is a beautiful and meaningful rite to be shared with someone that you honor and respect.
You make a similar distinction later, saying that if her boyfriend is not "saved" then he will not necessarily remain faithful.
With all due respect, I object to both statements. Although Christianity has a wonderful moral code, it is certainly possible for non-Christians to live similar lives–while not believing–just as it is possible for practicing Christians to violate that code. I think using the label of "saved" or "not saved" as a way of determining their beliefs and behavior is overly simplistic and offensive to those of us who choose to live moral lives, even as we choose to define our spiritual lives on our own terms.
(USA) I can understand completely. Although my husband and I have been together 15 years and married 12 of those years, I still feel bitterness towards him. If he could have looked in a magic ball and could see me in the future would he have changed things? Sadly enough, sometimes I wish I would not have been a virgin, then I probably wouldn’t feel this way. I often feel like he compares me to those other people he was been with. It doesn’t help that even though it’s been so long, it hurts that he lied to me about one person he had slept with. Am I ever going to get over this?
(US) My issue is different, and I really need some help. My husband recently delved into my past, and although he knew I had been with others before our marriage, he has found how many and found that he knew some of them. Now he has horrible images running through his head, and I am now considered a "whore". He seems to be going through what a woman goes through after being cheated on. I would love to find someone to talk to who has been through the same.
(ZIMBABWE) I am 22 years and lost my womanhood when I was 18 years. Now I no longer believe in marriage. Will I be able to live a normal life? What makes my story different is that I gave up my virginity because I was so desperate for some money to go to school since nobody could provide for me. Now I have a good job. I managed to go to college and I passed but I feel that deep down in my heart I committed a terrible sin. No matter how many times I ask for forgiveness from God I feel he cannot forgive me and I also cannot forgive myself.
Right now I have decided to stay single for the rest of my life as I feel that no man would accept or trust me. Whenever I am in a relationship I find it difficult to explain how I lost my virginity and mostly I end up calling off the relationship. Please help me, I am confused.
(USA) Hi Chioniso, How heart-breaking it must be for you to feel continually burdened by your past actions. It’s like dragging around a huge suitcase full of negative and very heavy feelings everywhere you go in life and in your relationships. Chioniso, I encourage you to release them. God has. When you confessed your sins to Him, He had compassion on you and tossed them away as far as “the east is from the west.” (See Psalm 103:12-13.)
You are carrying around a burden of your heart that is too heavy for you to drag around. Please read Matthew 11:28-30 and embrace it into your life. God says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened.” He wants to give you relief as you learn from Him for He “is gentle and humble in heart” and will give you “rest” for your tired soul.
Please recognize that the enemy of our faith is deceiving you and is trying to keep you down to approach life as one who is dejected. I highly recommend that you read the article titled “Discerning the Difference Between the Conviction of the Holy Spirit and the Condemnation of the Enemy” featured in the “Spiritual Matters” section of this web site. There are other articles I believe you should read as well such as “The Journey of Forgiving Yourself” (found in the “Bitterness and Forgiveness” section) and “Living in Confidence Because of Who You Are” (featured in the “Mental and Physical Health” section). I believe these articles can help you get to a healthier place in your thinking. God is our Redeemer.
The Apostle Paul certainly grabbed onto that fact. If he hadn’t, he would never have been able to get past his past sinful past. He knew that we serve a God of grace who redeems our past sin and can use us in amazing ways as long as we follow the principles laid out in Philippians 3:12-16. We are to release ourselves from “what is behind” after we confess our sin to God and strain “toward what is ahead.”
I hope you will do this Chioniso. Whether God has a husband in your future or not, I don’t know. But please don’t limit God by closing your eyes to this possibility if God ordains that you participate in this with Him. If you are to marry, you will find a man who will be able to look beyond what you did in your past and will see you as the woman of grace that God has helped you to become.
And please don’t allow the enemy of our faith to tie your emotions up in knots any longer. He has been entertained long enough. Go with God in this — accept His gift of grace and you will be amazed at all God can do in and through you. Your past sin is no worse than mine or anyone else’s. Confess, release, and look to God for a brighter future. Please know that my love, encouragement, and prayers are with you.