Life certainly has its challenges, but little compares to the monumental task of healing from infidelity. As a marriage therapist for two decades, I’ve heard countless clients confess that the discovery of an affair was the lowest, darkest moment of their entire lives. And because affairs shatter trust, many seriously contemplate ending their marriages.
However, it’s important to know that, no matter bleak things might seem, it’s possible to revitalize a marriage wounded by infidelity. It’s not easy— there are no quick-fix, one-size-fits-all solutions— but years of experience has taught me that there are definite patterns to what people in loving relationships do to bring their marriages back from the brink of disaster.
Healing from infidelity involves teamwork; both spouses must be fully committed to the hard work of getting their marriages back on track. The unfaithful partner must be willing to end the affair and do whatever it takes to win back the trust of his or her spouse.
The betrayed spouse must be willing to find ways to manage overwhelming emotions so, as a couple, they can begin to sort out how the affair happened,and more importantly, what needs to change so that it never happens again. Although no two people, marriages or paths to recovery are identical, it’s helpful to know that healing typically happens in stages.
If you recently discovered that your spouse has been unfaithful, you will undoubtedly feel a whole range of emotions—shock, rage, hurt, devastation, disillusionment, and intense sadness. You may have difficulty sleeping or eating, or feel completely obsessed with the affair. If you’re an emotional person, you may cry a lot. You may want to be alone, or conversely, feel at your worst when you are.
While unpleasant, these reactions are perfectly normal. Although you might be telling yourself that your marriage will never improve, it will, but not immediately. Healing from infidelity takes a long time. Just when you think things are looking up, something reminds you of the affair and you go downhill rapidly. It’s easy to feel discouraged unless you both keep in mind that intense ups and downs are the norm. Eventually, the setbacks will be fewer and far between.
Although some people are more curious than others, it’s very common to have lots of questions about the affair, especially initially. If you have little interest in the facts, so be it. However, if you need to know what happened, ask. Although the details may be uncomfortable to hear, just knowing your spouse is willing to “come clean” helps people recover. As the unfaithful spouse, you might feel tremendous remorse and guilt, and prefer avoiding the details entirely, but experience shows that this is a formula for disaster. Sweeping negative feelings and lingering questions under the carpet makes genuine healing unlikely.
Once there is closure on what actually happened there is typically a need to know why it happened. Betrayed spouses often believe that unless they get to the bottom of things, it could happen again.
Unfortunately, since the reasons people stray can be quite complex, the whys aren’t always crystal clear. No one forces anyone to be unfaithful. Infidelity is a decision, even if doesn’t feel that way. If you were unfaithful, it’s important to examine why you allowed yourself to do something that could threaten your marriage. Were you satisfying a need to feel attractive? Are you having a mid-life crisis? Did you grow up in a family where infidelity was a way of life? Do you have a sexual addiction?
It’s equally important to explore whether your marriage is significantly lacking. Although no marriage is perfect, sometimes people feel so unhappy, they look to others for a stronger emotional or physical connection. They complain of feeling taken for granted, unloved, resentful, or ignored. Sometimes there is a lack of intimacy or sexuality in the marriage.
If unhappiness with your spouse contributed to your decision to have an affair, you need to address your feelings openly and honestly so that together you can make some changes. If open communication is a problem, consider seeking help from a qualified marital therapist or taking a communication skill-building class. There are many available through religious organizations, community colleges and mental health settings.
Another necessary ingredient for rebuilding a marriage involves the willingness of unfaithful spouses to demonstrate sincere regret and remorse. You can’t apologize often enough. You need to tell your spouse that you’ll never commit adultery again. Although, since you’re working diligently to repair your relationship, you might think your intentions to be monogamous are obvious, they aren’t.
Tell your spouse of your plans to take your commitment to your marriage to heart. This will be particularly important during the early stages of recovery when mistrust is rampant.
Conversely, talking about the affair can’t be the only thing you do. Couples who successfully rebuild their marriages recognize the importance of both talking about their difficulties and spending time together without discussing painful topics. They intentionally create opportunities to reconnect and their nurture their friendship.
They take walks, go out to eat or to a movie, develop new mutual interests and so on. Betrayed spouses will be more interested in spending discussion-free time after the initial shock of the affair has dissipated.
Ultimately, the key to healing from infidelity involves forgiveness, which is frequently the last step in the healing process. The unfaithful spouse can do everything right — be forthcoming, express remorse, listen lovingly and act trustworthy, and still, the marriage won’t mend unless the betrayed person forgives his or her spouse and the unfaithful spouse forgives him or herself.
Forgiveness opens the door to real intimacy and connection. But forgiveness doesn’t just happen. It’s a conscious decision to stop blaming, make peace, and start tomorrow with a clean slate. If the past has had you in its clutches, why not take the next step to having more love in your life? Decide to forgive today.
The above article, written by Michele Weiner-Davis, was featured in Parade magazine, March 18, 2001
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(ZAMBIA) As much as I have been reading the resources here, I can’t find a way to have some closure. I am on this site almost everyday reading posts and different resources, and really they have helped me a lot. Sometimes the memories of my husband’s infidelity are too much to handle. How can I find some closure?
(USA) It’s been 7 months since I found out my husband was having an affair. We have been going to counseling and marriage classes but none of it seems to work. I am lost. I don’t know how to forgive him. I feel like I can never trust him. But what is a marriage without trust? I am trying to forgive him but I don’t know how.
(INDIA) Mary, I feel deeply for you. You are still young. It was wrong for the pastor to pose such suggestions. My husband is constantly emotionally unfaithful. He says he is sorry but the same repeated acts seem to dissolve what he says. So if you truly love your husband, try and analyze if he would do the same to you again –go beyond his words. Sita
(ZAMBIA) Mary, I really felt for you for the pain you have been going through. I pray that God may give you eternal peace & joy. You really deserve to be happy. One thing you should always know is that you can never change a man & whatever a man says, it’s not the guarantee that they will change. I am not threatening you but all I am saying is to put everything in the hands of God. Let God change your man so that he won’t repeat his deeds.
People say a leopard can not change its colours. But I do believe that their creator is the only one who can change that. So dear, be strong. I have been in that road before. I know how it feels. Read Jeremiah 29:11. Stay blessed.
(USA) Mary, I was searching the net for some info on how to heal after infidelity. I read your post and my heart goes out to you. I won’t totally agree with the pastor that told you such things, but he was correct about not bringing a 28 year old into your home. The devil comes to break up homes in every way possible, and he used that 28 year old to destroy your home. You must try your best to stop communicating with the young lady because it will continue to separate you.
Now your husband was definitely wrong, but you have to forgive him. It’s not about you letting him off the hook, but your letting yourself off the hook. Don’t allow him to hurt you over and over by not forgiving him. You must try your best to not continue bringing up what happened. It only will continue to hurt you. The best thing is to let it go. Of course you will never forget it but if you keep talking about it and asking questions, it will continue to hurt you. Don’t give satan that much power.
I totally agree with Tary. God can do anything but fail, but you have to get out of his way and let him work on him. If we had the power to change someone he would be changed by now. It’s easier said than done. I know. But this is what must happen. As a matter of fact, it won’t and can’t happen overnight either. Give God more than a few hours to work on him. You see, I had made that same decision. God started to bless our marriage but I put my hands on the situation again trying to be the counselor and God took his hands off my marriage. When we decide to fix our problems God allows things to happen because we have placed ourselves in a position to do his job. I just pray that he will start to work things out for us again.
(USA) The solution to healing from infidelity involves forgiveness, which is commonly the final step in the curing procedure. The unfaithful partner can do the whole thing correct- is helpful, convey regret, pay attention fondly and act responsibly, and still, the marriage relationship won’t restore unless the betrayed individual forgives his or her partner and the disloyal partner forgives him or herself. Forgiveness opens the entry to genuine closeness and relationship.
But forgiveness does not just occur. It is careful choice to stop blaming, build harmony, and start tomorrow with a spotless slate. If the history has had you in its control, why not get the subsequent footstep to having more care and love in your life? Make a decision to forgive today. http://www.marriage-counselors.net/couples-problems/Healing-from-Infidelity.htm
(NIGERIA) It’s been months since I found out that my husband has been in affairs. So many stories he told me now have 2 versions; he is very silent about the whole affair, he claims it’s in my head and that he’s never committed adultery. What I don’t understand is that he apologized. Why apologize if you did nothing wrong?
I think my greatest hurt or pain is that he has not come clean with his stories. How can i trust him again? He did it before and he can do it again. It hurts so bad, its unimaginable. I don’t wish it for my worst enemy. I’ve prayed for healing and I believe God will heal me to trust again.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I have read everyone’s story and they are all so touching and I feel your pain as I have gone through the same thing. My husband had an affair and even wanted to leave us – but I have begged him to stay and we are still together and both of us are working hard on the marriage. It is not perfect but nothing in life is perfect. For now I will take all the good – I have grown a lot out of the whole experience – I have learned to love myself, how can you expect anyone to love you if you can’t love yourself and know your value as a person? I have forgiven him and strangely, I trust him more now than I have ever before. This, I really can’t explain.
This happen in April 2009. When it happened I knew from the start and hoped it was not true but lol – he was surprised that I am willing to take him back and work on our marriage. But for me, marriage is so special, created by God. I wanted to kill myself – I hated him and her especially because she knew us; this was worst.
I do have days that I feel so sad – but I get up and get on with life. I have to. I have changed myself as a person. I am a better person now, I have to say, more relaxed and calm but then he also tries very hard and that does help.
So my advice is take it day by day. Celebrate the good days, allow yourself time to cry but don’t let it overpower you. Give it 30 minutes and move on. Know that you are loved by God and your family. But love yourself to know that you are the best you can be – I will love myself completely today, regarding myself with pride and honor. Because my soul and spirit come from God. I cherish myself too much to let anyone abuse or defame me in anyway. This have helped me through all the hard days. I am not perfect; I still am scared, very scared.