HELP! My Spouse Drinks Too Much
62 Comments
What do you do when your spouse is drinking too much and it is affecting your lives together in a negative way? Do you continue to close your eyes to what’s going on and hope that someday he/she will finally wake up to the problems this behavior is causing? If you’ve “been there” and “have done that”, the question is: “How’s that been working for you so far?”
Do you yell and scream and try to shame him/her into stopping this behavior? Same question applies: “How’s that been working for you so far?”
And then there are the excuses —you’ve probably heard a million of them! “I drink to forget” “I feel better when I drink” “I’ve tried to ‘get on the wagon’ …’every time I fail’” and more.
“Alcoholics offer many excuses — ‘Drinking makes me feel better,’ ‘It calms me down,’ ‘I’m more fun when I’m drunk’ and more —but these explanations only skim the surface of the deeper issues that usually drive and fuel a drinking problem.” (Ashley Michael, from article titled “But I’ve Got Reasons” formerly posted on Focusonthefamily.com)
And what about the promises your spouse has made that “things will be different?” (That is, if you’ve even received such promises!) Perhaps you can relate to the following comments that came from a wife whose husband has a drinking problem:
“I couldn’t count the times Bob promised he would never drink again. That must be the most frustrating part of the experience — having Bob look me straight in the eye and tell me he’s through —really done with bingeing. He’d say, ‘I’ve seen how it hurts you and the kids, and I’ve had it. I promise you that I’ll never do it again!’
“Then in a day or two he was dead drunk. I thought he was lying to me. How could he love me and lie so many times to my face? But he wasn’t lying. He couldn’t keep his promise. Bob thought he could whip this problem with willpower. It’s like trying to stop diarrhea by making up your mind to do so.” (From the Focus on the Family Question and Answer article “If my husband drinks a lot but doesn’t get drunk, is he an alcoholic?”)
That’s not the most inviting word picture to think about, but it has some truth to it, don’t you think? Your spouse may have good intentions but he/she is in a state of denial both mentally (not facing the truth) and in a state of denial physically (where the needs of the body deny him or her the ability to stop reaching for another drink unless he/she has serious help).
It’s difficult to talk to someone who is in a continual state of denial, as well. That is why you often need help to know how to best work with the situation you have been handed. It comes down to the fact that when you are dealing with a person who is a heavy drinker —particularly if he or she is is drinking at the time, you aren’t speaking to your spouse so much as you are the alcohol he/she is using for numbing purposes —to cope with life in an unhealthy manner.
When you are trying to deal with this type of dysfunctional partner you truly need wisdom and help from someone who isn’t so close to the situation and can give you objective advice.
“A comment I often have clients, who are frustrated with a dysfunctional partner, repeat back to me is: ‘Do not expect functional behavior from a dysfunctional person.’
“Learning to get our expectations in line with reality is a first step in dealing with reality. We are often the first person that needs a change of perspective. In therapy we call this ‘re-framing’ the situation.” (Delores Stone, Counselor)
You need to “get real” within yourself and with your spouse. To help you with this, please click onto the web site links below:
• GAMES ALCOHOLIC FAMILIES PLAY
• TIPTOEING AROUND ADDICTIONS: When to Take a Stand (Watch Online)
So, in light of what’s been discussed so far, you may find the following advice from author Angie Lewis, to be helpful:
“Detach With Love. Be loving and supportive of the person you married, not the alcoholic. Don’t take any of the emotional garbage they dish out while drinking. Have you noticed how when your spouse drinks they start to berate you and want to start arguments? Don’t argue or fight back. Let them know you will not argue with them while they are drinking, period.“Above all, never allow the alcoholic to trespass against your spirit when they are playing one of their mind games. Walk away and close the door behind you. Go visit a friend, take a walk around the block, or put some ear plugs in your ears. Your mental health is what helps the alcoholic the most. This is what detaching with love is all about. Detaching yourself from the disease is what helps the alcoholic see that he needs help.”
To read more, please click onto the following Heavenministries.com web site link to read the following article written by Angie Lewis:
• Married to an Alcoholic: 7 Steps to Helping Them Get Sober
Also, fom Skyler Sage: Realize that:
“Alcoholism is a Family Disease. “This means that we are all affected by the substance abuse of a loved one. Not only are we affected; we play our OWN part in the continuation and manifestation of the disease. Our marriage, our family, is like a mobile. Each of us has our own little piece of the delicately balanced structure. Every action on any of our parts shakes the mobile. Tenuous balance quickly becomes imbalanced, shaken up, disrupted. Our role as spouses, children, friends on this mobile is just as powerful as that of the alcoholic’s.
“I believe this awareness is the first key in coping understanding that we play an equal part in the drama of living with an alcoholic. We are either part of the problem, or part of the solution with every word we speak, every secret we keep, every action we take, every action we avoid taking.”
To read more, please click onto the following web site link:
• TESTIMONIES: Coping With an Alcoholic Spouse – Skyler Sage
From Melinda Cook, comes the following advice:
“If you are not in any danger, continue to encourage your spouse to get help. Do not make it seem as though you are lecturing them though, they will rebel and continue in their disastrous ways. Find a support group, go to Al-anon meetings, and learn all you can about addictions. When they are willing to admit they have a problem, find places they can turn to for help in getting better. Coping with an alcoholic spouse can tremendously take a toll on you and your family.”
And it can, as you know.
To read more of Melinda’s story, please click onto the following web site link:
• TESTIMONIES: Coping With an Alcoholic Spouse – Melinda Cook
And then several additional helpful articles:
• DO YOU LOVE AN ALCOHOLIC — Stop Rescuing (Pt 1)
• DO YOU LOVE AN ALCOHOLIC — Setting Boundaries (Pt 2)
• PREPARING FOR A STRUCTURED INTERVENTION
After all of this, you wonder, will the information help me? Is there hope for my spouse? To read the encouraging answer, please click onto the Focus on the Family web site link to read their response to the question. And then afterward click into the Kyria.com web site to read what one wife of an alcoholic learned:
• My Spouse Is an Alcoholic Who Has Tried to Quit Drinking. What Should I Do?
We realize we have given you A LOT of information to pray about and consider. We want you to know that we pray the Lord opens the doors of heaven and pours out His Spirit within you and your home, and speaks powerfully to your spouse.
To give you some type of direction where you can get help, the following are a few helpful organizations you may be able to contact (we realize that they are not available to help in every country, but for some of you, they may be able to help in some way):
The above article was written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.
If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
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(USA) My husband’s thoughts of a good time always revolve around going out to eat, a few drinks and then out to another bar with more alcohol. I’ve often asked to do healthy things such as hiking, walking etc, maybe a movie and sometimes we may, but most of the time it involves alcohol!
He never sees a problem with drinking until intoxicated which sometimes causes fights. Sensitive issues may be brought up that probably wouldn’t have arisen if no alcohol was involved! His father was an alcoholic who told his boys once to beware of alcohol, but no one ever seems to think they are effected, only having a good time is all. Sometimes it’s difficult to be with someone who is under the influence!!
(SOUTH AFRICA) I know what you going through… I don’t go with my husband… he goes out the whole night. He is not aggressive when he’s drunk… the only problem is that if I try to talk about his whole night drinking… it ultimately ends in a fight and then he will deliberately go off again. He usually has intentions of coming home earlier but he can’t stop once he has started. He needs to be completely out if it before he can stop.
I find it frustrating because he is not a man that can talk… he is a very quiet man. He doesn’t disclose anything that disturbs him/worries him etc… not only referring to us… but generally. He will never just show the next person the true state of his heart. This is my frustration because even when I try to talk to him about our problems he just doesn’t respond (he sorts of goes into a shell) or else he’ll get defensive to shut me out. I don’t know what to do as well.
(TANZANIA) Geraldine and Lizabeth, sorry for what’s happening to you both. I pray that things change into a better situation. I fully understand your problems. My hubby is also a drinking person who always promises to stop but doesn’t.
It really hurts me a lot when he comes home late (midnight) from Monday to Sunday. We can’t discuss anything that’s productive for the family or if there are any important issues then we have to communicate by phone. When both of us are away to our work during the day time, there is no chance.
The truth is, I still love him with all my heart. I pray and do so many sacrifices do draw him close to me but he’s still the same. I always miss him. The kids (3sons) miss him so much but he’s just not with family. At times when he’s at home, I try my level best to make him happy and also be available whenever he wants me close to him. I’ve also discussed with him several times how he could stop his alcoholism but I’ve gained nothing more than the promise to stop the behaviour- an event which hasn’t happened to date.
I haven’t given up waiting for the day that he will change his alcoholism behaviour. So Elizabeth, and Geraldine, please lets join hands through prayer without forgeting praying and loving our hubbys in every possible ways while trusting “ONE TIME GOD WILL REMEMBER US”.
(PAKISTAN) I am facing the same problem. My husband drinks and becomes abusive; it seems like I am the worst person on earth for him. I get really disturbed. I have a daughter who is 9 months. What example will he set for her? It really gets so bad he doesn’t really know what he is saying and he expects me to be all OK the next morning. Please advise as to what to do in such a situation.
(USA) My husband is a very good provider but some week nights he drinks a whole bottle of wine by himself and binge drinks on weekends. He says he works hard and should be allowed to relax. When he is sober, he is a good husband and a good father to our 2 boys. The problem is when he gets drunk and in front of the children. At parties, he is always the most drunk and gives loud (often angry) speeches over religion and politics and embarasses me. Often, he starts an arguement with me when we get home (again, in front of the kids). The next morning, he doesn’t remember a thing. He also gets angry when I try to talk to him about how much he drinks. I don’t want to leave him, but he’s driving me to that point. Help!
(USA) Cindy, I’ve been married for 27 years, my advice is to make sure you make your own money so you can leave if you need to. I raised my kids, one is moved out, my daughter had to move back home do to economy. My husband drinks at night, nasty only to me, in front of my daughter, fake nice to everyone else during the day, everyone loves him. I cannot leave, he is the bread winner… if I had my very own income, I’d go. I’m in my 50′s and when he drinks my heart beats like a bunny at night from things he says. I’ve had police here several times… they ask if he has hit me… guess you have to be black n blue and bleeding to prove it.
Guess what I’m saying is, only he can change… if you don’t think he will, it will only get worse…especially if he is NOT nice when he drinks. I could write a book on my behind closed doors insanity.
(USA) Behind closed doors insanity is exactly what I’m going through. I’m 49 and have been married for 15 years. He drinks every night. 4 tall glasses of vodka/ice/water. I cringe every time I hear the ice machine. This is my very first post to any forum on this topic.
Last night was another night of berating me, and this morning he is once again the nicest man. I on the other hand can’t forget what happened the night before. When I asked him this morning if he cannot drink as much tonight, he became outraged and denied everything he said to me last night. He claims that I reinvent conversations. This has been my life for more then 15 years.
I recently retired and now I don’t have the distraction of going to work. But more importantly I’m feeling so trapped and lonely. I’m afraid this will never end. We have had break-ups, gone to counseling and they have not helped at all. He only drinks more.
(CANADA) I understand what you are going through. My husband is an excellent husband and father when he is sober. However after work during the week he feels the need to have a drink because he believes he deserves it after a stressful day. On the weekends he binge drinks and gets quite intoxicated to the point of not being able to walk. THe kids at times see this and it really upsets me. I only get upset with him when the kids are over because I do not like them seeing that. However every time he is like that he brings up things from the past or something from last week to start an argument. He tends to get very aggressive with his words and says the nastiest things. I have tried over and over again to talk to him regarding the amount that he consumes but it always ends up in a fight and it somehow is always my fault. “I drink to deal with things” ” I drink to deal with you” “I drink to feel numb” and so on.
Most times however the next he doesn’t remember the things he did or said the night before which is extremely upsetting. And when he does remember he doesn’t feel he did or said anything wrong and acts as if it was all my fault and will ignore me and be mad at me. I try really hard to be supportive and loving but it does get to the point of being very difficult to handle. Especially when the kids always see me upset so they think it is my fault and blame me for his behaviors and for staying in bed all day the day after. So I become the bad guy by all parties involved. Not sure at what point that enough becomes enough.
(USA) My wife drinks a liter of wine a night and has been doing it for years. She has a million excuses why she does it. She has as many (half-hearted) unsuccessful attempts to “cut back”. Leaving her would be complicated and devastating to our kids but I’m beginning to conclude that it is the best option.
(USA) I have put my husband through the same thing for years and now he is so hurt by it that he doesn’t even want me near. Today has been 2 weeks since I have drank and don’t plan on starting back, but now that I am trying it doesn’t matter to him. I am trying to understand the way he feels and I may never be able to but I know that I love him and don’t want to lose him. I’m scared that I already have because he is so up and down with me, he tells me that he is past the crying stage and that right now he has no feelings toward me. My husband has moved out for a few weeks saying he needs time to heal and we are going to a marriage counselor but I’m just not sure what to expect.
(USA) Hi all. My husband drinks and I have separated from him. I wish I had all the answers but I don’t. I only know that I am accountable to God for my actions. I am being healed from all the hurt and trusting God daily for my husbands deliverance.
(USA) My husband sometimes drinks but the bigger issue is he is addicted to pain medication. For the past 10 years he has been going to a pain clinic receiving Oxycontin, Vicodin and Morphine for a bad back. I don’t deny he has pain but he has been becoming more and more dysfunctional as time passes. The past couple of years he keeps going to the ER and Urgent Care getting other medications as well. All the while he is in a well-respected position and attending church.
This past spring my daughter and I tried to convince him to seek treatment 3 different times. He is in denial. Last month he locked himself in our room and stayed drugged up for a week and a half only coming out to eat and use the restroom. His boss put him on notice. That was when my daughter and I gave him a choice: go into treatment or leave. He chose to leave!
I’m now supporting my daughter and myself on my part-time income. I don’t know what to do, stay married, file for a legal separation, wait and see what he does? I’m perplexed. We’ve tried marriage counseling in the past but since the drugs alter his thinking its a waste of time and money.
(UK) A bit like me. My hubby drinks. He has a bad back and is on very strong pain killers. He drinks only 2 bottles –up to 4 pints and hides vodka bottles all over. He will drink the bottle in one go. At least once a week I’ll find a bottle but that’s just what he brings in. And all this at the same time as taking the pain killers.
I have asked him to try to stop. But he doesn’t think he has a problem with it. He cannot go 1 day and can start drinking at 1 p.m. –sometimes before. When he has had a drink he gets very loud. He goes at me and the kids about silly things. Then when I try to say we’ll talk tomorrow as you have been drinking (so we do not make a scene), he gets worried.
I feel it’s coming between us as we don’t do bedtime things as much because he always drinks and then he makes it sound as if it’s me not wanting to. Over the past 7 years he has had different reasons for drinking. First it was after a hard day at work, then stress at work; then he got fired, so it was because of his being bored. Then he started work and it’s stress, and now it’s the pain and stress.
I don’t know what to do. I love him too much to sit and see him get worse and die. I would tell him to go but I know he would use that as a reson to go and drink more. I’m between a rock and a hard place. Sorry to go on a bit, but it’s nice to tell someone. Thanks for taking the time to read.
(USA) I’ve been married 22 years and am only 40 years old. My husband is an alcoholic and does not want to admit to it. His explanation is I’m only out with the guys from work and this is at least a once a week ritual coming home at 2:00 am.. I’m full of worry and hurt that I’ve been putting up with this for so long. Do I love him? Yes. But I’m also killing myself inside wondering what is wrong with me that he can’t come home to his family and spend it where he should be.
I am not a drinker and pray to the Lord, I never will be. My children are now 21 and 19 and have seen the horrors of how their dad acts when he’s drunk. I have so much anger built up and to be quite honest I’m ashamed of myself for letting him treat me like this for so long. He was raised by a single mother, who herself is an alcoholic. She is much worse. She drinks everyday and most of his aunts and uncles are drunks.
I’m so embarrassed to let any of my family know this is happening so I turn to this website to relieve some stress and frustration. It sort of helps that I’m not alone in feeling like this, but sooner or later I will lose my insanity if this keep up…
(USA) I have been married to my husband for about 2 and 1/2 yrs and he gets drunk every night. He goes to bed before 630 pm and here I sit by myself. He starts drinking at 4pm and doesn’t stop until he’s so drunk, he needs to go to bed. Many times he tries to start an argument -I can’t have any kind of conversation with him when he’s drunk.
My evenings are very lonely- I don’t like going out to dinner with him, because he gets so drunk, he starts falling asleep at the dinner table. He is 71 yrs old and says he has been drinking his whole life and isn’t going to stop now. I think about leaving him, but don’t know if I could make it on my own financially. I am newly retired. I don’t know what to do- I can’t stand being around him and sometimes I wish that when he goes to bed, he won’t wake up!
(UK) Does my husband have a problem or do I have a problem with him? When my husband heads to the fridge and grabs a drink that’s it. He can’t stop until they are all gone and will if need be, get in the car and drive and get more if he runs out. He will then fall asleep snoring loudly. This is in the early evening. I will tell him to go to bed and I get shouted at.
He sleep walks, and falls asleep whilst sitting on the toilet… I stay awake as he can sleep walk and try and wee somewhere else that is not the toilet. (we have youngs kids). He doesn’t drink everyday but I know that when he has one he can’t stop until he can drink no more, as can’t hold the can. He is mean and annoying but never hit me.
If we go out for a social meal it’s something I dread as I know he will be the one who gets hammered and louder and louder… talking utter nonsense. I keep telling him to slow down but he can’t. I dread it when he has a drink. It makes me feel low and very upset. When he is sober he is tired. I never feel like I get any attention or help with the family… has he got a problem or do I?
(USA) Jill, From the comment you left I would definitely say your husband has an addiction and may need some help, but I would also say you may need family therapy as well. Also, along with addiction counseling you will learn about addicts and you can maybe understand more what you are dealing with. When you are not an addict it is hard to understand why they can’t just quit doing it because you do not struggle with it.
It sounds as though this is affecting you emotionally and that can turn into anger and resentment, eventually to where you do not want to help him anymore you will just want to get out. You have a problem in the sense that you are married to him so you need to stick by him and support him through this time in his life, but as far as you having a problem with him because of the drinking, I wouldn’t say you do. I think you have an issue of what is right and wrong and you know with what he is doing brings harm to him and your family even if it isnt physical.
If there are young children involved this is damaging them as well, so the sooner you seek help the better. He needs help… you will just need to be his support. Allow God to take the burden from you of emptiness and loneliness as you two work through this. Pray for strength as God helps you endure this addiction and what it may bring with it. I would call a local counseling center and find a # for an addiction couselor or call your church. You will definitely need prayer and God’s guidance. You can’t change him; he has to want to change. All you can do is put one foot forward and set into action what needs to be done. God Bless you! Deuteronomy 31:6
(AUSTRALIA) My wife drinks to excess, not everyday but at least twice a week. She will not stop until absolutely comatosed. If we go out I dread it because she can’t just have a social drink, she has to get bladdered. She has been in hospital on numerous occassions after falling down and someone finding her and calling an ambulance. It has affected the whole family, as my children have found her unconsious when getting back from school. She causes arguments and fights and brings things up that she wouldn’t whilst sober.
It’s a terrible thing to live with a drunk and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I have seen this with a few members of my family over the years and none of them have stopped until they are dead. Drunks are liars and cheats and when in the mood will do anything to get a drink. It’s the same as being a drug addict. If alchohol was introduced now it would be a class A drug. It kills and affects more people than smoking ever will.
(SCOTLAND) I have been married for 15 years and over that time my husband has progressively gotten worse with his drinking, so much so, that I’ve had to lock all the drink in the shed. Unfortunately he got the key this morning and drank a 1/4 bottle of vodka in 2 minutes.
I am now clinically depressed and on medication and find myself crying all the time struggling to cope with the loneliness of an evening when he sleeping of the effects and the empty promises that he will control his drinking. I have slapped and punched him twice now and I’m very disgusted with myself that I allowed my frustration to come out this way.
(US) I see that being lonely is a common factor among all of us, no matter how young or old we are. I feel the same way, night after night of being alone as he is next to me (usually passed out by early evening). I think the lonesomeness is brutal. You love them and want them to want to spend time with you the way you do them and it hurts.
I start to wonder what is wrong with me. I can’t get him to admit anything. Half the time he lies to me about drinking. He will come home late and I know he has been drinking but I cannot accuse him because he will deny it and get mad at me or try to make me feel stupid. I don’t like it that he denies it half the time and the other half “he has it under control.”
(UNITED STATES) You have the same problem as I do. I have been married for 22 years and love my husband. He is a great man when he is sober but mean when he is drinking. I tell him that it is either me or the beer. He will not answer me. I spend a lot of time alone and get very lonely. I don’t want to walk away but I am tired of dealing with this. I do not know what to do. Anybody have any advice for me? It would be very helpful!!! Thank you.
(USA) Hello all- My heart goes out to each and every one of you. I myself am the wife of an alcoholic. We have 2 children and have been married almost 8 years. I finally decided to move out to my parents house in hopes that this will wake my husband up! At this very moment I’m sitting next to him. He is sound asleep from drinking too much in the home we’ve shared. I thought I’d check up on him.
He is still choosing his alcohol. I pray and encourage, then I yell and cry. I’ve written letters to him –our whole church has reached out. I don’t know what it’s going to take to gain back the man he was when I married him. His drinking has also left me and my boys very lonely –unsure where he was and when he’d come home. Worried if he can make our rent because of his irresponsible spending. And mostly –the lack of peace in my heart and home led me to move out.
I don’t want this, but if it’s what will wake him up then ill stick it out. If he continues this way –I’ll have to make myself very strong. The vows I took were in sickness and health and I meant them –but if he chooses to stay sick –what more can I do than pray?
When he drinks he is reckless, verbally abusive and truly detestable. I don’t want my boys to grow up seeing their father like that any longer. I didn’t get married to feel like a single mom –even when we loved together I carried all the burden of raising a family and providing –all while trying to keep our foundation on the Lord.
Reading your experiences makes me want to hug you all. Do not loose hope –God can move mountains. Do not grow weary –he can give you rest. I will keep you in my prayers tonight and please do the same for me. Regardless of what the alcoholics in our lives choose –we can make up our minds that we will live an abundant and happy life for our children and for ourselves. Thank you for being so open to sharing your trials –nothing is too difficult with the Lord. God bless!
(USA) We’ve been married 6 years. In the dating stage we had cocktails at dinner, one for me, six for him. I didn’t think much of him stopping the waitress for a refill. If we were out for the day, shopping, lunch, possibly dinner he would want a drink during early lunch, dinner, then again returning home to drink almost a bottle of wine, and possibly go out and get another bottle when that one was finished.
His personality changed, meaning he got sarcastic, and picky with me. I commented on how much he drank. His answer was, I work hard all week and wanted to unwind. During the week days returning home @ three days after driving (his profession) 10hrs a day he also had to unwind with about 1/2 bottle of whatever. I stopped accepting a glass of wine with him at dinner because I knew what was coming next. Cursing, picking an argument. I would go to the bedroom, close the door, and he would come in wanting to continue “so you think”, etc.
Finally going on vacations became a disaster, loud, slurring words, cursing at me. Family refused to return because he was verbally abusive while drinking. That’s my last straw. What am I to do? I’m seriously thinking about other options in this marriage. Talking with him about his drinking goes in one ear and out the other or he gets defensive when subject comes up.
(INDIA) My hubby is an alchohloc from last 12 years regularly. We have two kids. I told him so many times but he can’t quit. He abuses me as well as he hits me. We have lot of clash. What to do please help …
(US) I have been an alcoholic for two years. I am a 25 year old female amd have been with my fiance for three years total. I would get drunk nightly for the two year period and was usually nice, goofy, typical drunk but every now and then I would initiate fights that were blow outs. He does not drink.
We always got over the fights but after a most recent one he gave me the final, final ultimatum. I slept it off and apologized whole heartedly the next morning and have sworn off booze. He said he wanted us to go to therapy to which I also agreed. I am 100% committed to quitting for myself and our relationship. But even though we had a decent day yesterday, today he was totally clammed up, would barely talk or respond to me even though I was my bubbly non drunk self… My feelings were very hurt. We went to bed and he said nothing, we hadn’t talked for up to an hour prior to that… Again, I’m very hurt. He got up and went to the couch.. I followed and laid near him saying I couldn’t sleep either. He eventually got up and went back to bed… I guess he just doesn’t want to be around me.
Well, half an hour later he came storming downstairs and said I’ve ruined three years of his life with drinking and he doesn’t know how to act around me. He said I ruined the relationship, that I’m abusive, psychologically paranoid and “messed up because of childhood trauma” …it just goes on… I told him I’ve put my foot down on drinking, I’m happy to go to therapy but it seems that even though I’ve made the right decisions to change my life and our relationship for the better -I am still being beaten up for the past. I know the past has only ended two days ago but I wish he would be supportive (he says it’s not his job to be supportive because it’s my problem)… I’m ok with him not being supportive. I have a friend that ironically chose to go sober herself on the same day and we’ve been chatting about how our drinking has been a negative issue in our lives and so on…
Bottom line: I have made a stand for myself and us but he still beats me up verbally, curses my drinking issues that I’ve had, and is now saying he doesn’t know if he can get past this… Then he goes to say if he can’t get over it and we split then he has nothing to live for, is going to sell his house because he has so many memories of us, and then says I was the best thing that ever happened to him and have been the only bright spot in his life..
I’m horribly confused, emotionally hurt, and at a loss to understand it all.
(USA) Be patient with him, as he has been with you. He is scared. I’m sure that he loves you. Although its been several months since your post I hope that all is well and that you are sober. I have found that alcoholics are so guilt-ridden and beat themselves up and they in turn, hurt the ones they love the most. He isn’t sure of the next second, much less the future. His anger and resentment will reside in time with continued therapy. I hope for the both of you.
(AUSTRALIA) My husband is a binge drinker and yells at me in front if our two year old and throws things at me. I really want to leave but my daughter loves him so much! If I leave it will be a few hours away and I know our daughter will miss him, but I have no other choice. I know things with us will never change. He will always be a drunk.
I suspect he is also cheating. He comes home sometimes at 4 a.m. during the week! I’m emotionally so tired and have had enough! What am I to do?
(USA) I love my husband with all of my heart. We have been married for almost 26 years. I don’t think that I can continue in this pattern. He has embarrassed my children, and yells profanities at me. None of us deserve this. Last month he fell down the stairs while we had company here.
I try to quickly resolve these types of matters, so that the children are spared. He becomes vulgar, blames me, his wife, for things I have not done. He pounds on the piano for hours on end, talks to girls on porn sites and makes me so embarrassed. I take my kids away to Friendlys, and then a real slow drive back home… but he is still pounding on the piano.
Now I am believing that I must have done something wrong. I feel inferior to our world, even though I have great talent. I don’t discuss this issue with family because, I blame myself. I am feeling lost and sad and hopeless.
(CALIFORNIA) He doesn’t drink everyday but he does from morning until like the middle of the night starting Friday and finishing Sunday late night. When he does, he tells me hurtful stuff. It really hurts my feelings. I’ve been even thinking about killing myself because it’s so hurtful… and I’m a really sensitive person. The next morning in the hangover all he says is he doesn’t remember anything and that he didn’t say that.
I don’t know how to take it; I love him and I’m never going to leave him. He’s all I’ve got. When he’s not drunk we are so happy, but when he drinks he makes my life really misserable. ;(
(UK) We have been together 17 years. I dread it when he drinks. You never know who if he is going to be the Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. When we go out with friends or family it’s something I can’t relax as I know he will be drunk and embarrassing. I tell him to slow down but he can’t. He gets belligerent and abusive when he drinks. It is embarrassing. I am tired of the constant worry, “how much will he drink, how abusive will he be, how embarrassed will I get?
Why do I put up with this? No one deserves to live like this. He has been to counseling, GA, made promise after promise, but nothing changes. It will only get worse and is this how I want to live the rest of my life? The resentment is killing me. He makes me sick. Tonight he guzzled a half gallon of OJ and Vodka then a half gallon of Lemon aide and Vodka. Friday it was 5 16 oz beers then Sat. 10 16 oz and at least 2 12 oz. He is overweight and has high blood pressure. He says he wants to change, but it only gets worse. How much more supportive can I be? Why is it that I am the one who has to be strong?
(USA) I enjoy drinking a bit too much, but usually I can stop at just a couple of beers. My husband also enjoys drinking too much, but he cannot stop himself until he’s on the verge of alcohol poisoning. I am addicted to alcohol, as I feel an incredibly strong urge to have a beer once or more a week. However, I can usually stop at one or two beers. Sometimes I get a craving for something stronger, like vodka. I most definitely have a problem, and so does my husband. Often he can help me work through my cravings.
However, on the weekends (starting on Friday and going until Sunday) he insists that we buy beer or vodka or whiskey or wine and no matter what I say or do I cannot convince him not to buy it. I try very hard to be strong for him like he is for me, but I don’t know what to do. I am trying to quit drinking, but when he gets so stubborn and insists on buying it and bringing it home, I can’t help but have some!
He shouldn’t be drinking either since he usually gets abusive (not always, sometimes we have “good nights”) when he drinks too much. Usually it’s just verbal or emotional abuse but occasionally he gets physical with me. He tends to get very, very loud, shouting at me and calling me names. Often on these nights he cannot perform and he blames me for it. Everytime in the morning he apologises and I believe that he genuinely means it, but as soon as the hangover starts he’s right back to drinking. He starts work at 4 am so that’s when he naturally wakes up now, many times I’ve woken up later than he did (around 7:30 am) only to find that he’s been drinking for 3 hours already and is completely plastered!
It’s gotten to the point where everytime we’re drinking I have to hide both of our keys and I try to stay up later than him so I can hide any leftover booze so he can’t start drinking at 4:30 in the morning. It’s impossible to make plans because I never know if he’s going to be drunk or not.
It’s very embarassing when he shouts at me so loud the whole neighborhood can hear him, and I know they hear him because our next door neighbors that we used to be pretty close with won’t even look at us anymore. He’s fallen down our stairs drunk when I was at work and I came home to find a big hole in our wall and him passed out in the next room. The hole in the wall was from his head smacking into it as he fell. I woke him up and called 911 and he didn’t even remember it happening or when it happened! I was very worried about going to work for fear of coming home to find him dead from accident or alcohol poisoning.
I love my Hubby with my entire being and I will not leave him, and he has said the same to me. I want to be able to quit drinking myself and also be able to get him to quit. I don’t know what to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
PS- Tonight I am awake only because he is so drunk that I’m too worried about him to sleep and he’s supposed to start work in 2 hours. He is currently sleeping on the floor (he got up and moved there about an hour ago for some reason). I’m tired of having to stay up to make sure he’s ok, checking on him constantly.
Rae, You’re both helping (or at least enabling, in your case) the other to drink. At least one of you needs to be the hero here to get some help before something worse happens to you and to your relationship. Our bodies aren’t created to take on that kind of continual abuse. Eventually it all catches up with you and then it could be too late. I’ve had at least two relatives that have died of their alcoholism. They were painful, humiliating, full of regrets type of deaths. Please, please, please prayerfully read through the article again and get the help you need. We link to ministries and agencies that can help you, if you contact them. You need to get strong, apart from alcohol, before there’s a chance that you could help your husband, if he will eventually let you help him. But even if he doesn’t, you can’t continue to drink like this without paying a very high price –most likely with your life. I hope you’ll get the help you need. My prayers are with you.
(USA) I have been married for a little over 4 years and the entire time we have argued about his drinking. He now hides it and/or lies about it. He lies about lying, says he’s telling me the truth, then I stumble upon a hidden beer can, receipts not given to me for the checkbook, and even grocery bags of beer cans hidden in a corner behind furniture. He drinks at least 4 days a week, a 6 pack of talls each day (equal to 8 beers). For awhile he was getting a 1/2 gallon of vodka that would last a week at most – he would usually drink just a little a few days, then binge on a bunch, so I put my foot down and won’t allow hard liquor in the house anymore. When he gets a buzz going, he jokes in a mean manner, is abusive to our pets, and, if I challenge any of that, is then verbally abusive to me. He was physical a few times, but never hit me – pushing and grabbing me. He stopped after I told him I would not stay with someone that thought it was ok to put their hands on me like that.
I will admit, I have been an enabler, in the sense that I am the provoker, but I don’t know how else to tell him the way he acts is not ok. I read some of the other links about “doing nothing” and “acting like nothing happened” the next day when they are sober, but I can’t just let him abuse our dogs and me and say or do nothing EVER. I’m so stuck.
(UK) Hi I just found this thread and I am so thankful coz it gave me a better understanding of my situation…. My partner and I have a 4 month old baby… He works M-F and I had to stay at home to mind our son (I used to work as well) he drinks at home every weekend… he usually says hurtful things like I am inconsiderate and not capable of caring for our kid… Sometimes he would even scare me that he’ll take our son away from me and that hurts a lot! Recently though, he grabbed me by the arm trying to pull me out of the way when he wanted to pick up our son. I was telling him no because the baby is asleep and he can barely stand up. He put his knee on my leg and grabbed my arm. He managed to take our son (nothing happened) and when I was trying to get the baby back he wouldn’t let me. I was so scared he’d drop the baby and I was crying the whole time…
I was really hurt emotionally coz I really love him and I know he isn’t like this when he’s sober… The following day he was apologetic and said he couldn’t remember what happened… He always promises he would cut back on the binge drinking and he would for a few weekends and then do it again… He would sometimes say that I try to make him feel bad when I try to talk things through with him but I swear I try to be as civil as I can. I never raise my voice at him at all. I feel guilty though, when he says that coz he would say that he only drinks on a weekend and rarely goes out, which I understand. The thing is he can’t handle the alcohol and I am starting to resent him and be scared of him whenever he drinks.
We talked things through and agreed for him to try non-alcoholic lager… we noticed that certain brands of beer have different effects. I really hope this works and that he keeps his promise this time. I want us to stay together forever not only because we have a son but mostly because I know we really love each other.
(USA) Me and my husband have been married for 5 years. We’re in our 20s. When we first got together in our teens he drank all the time. He got alcohol poisoning once. He stopped drinking into our 3rd year of marriage. In between that time there were lots of fight and I left him a few times due to him saying hurtful things to me non-stop ect. Well, a few months ago we split up for about 3 months (the longest before that only being a few days), during which time he went on a drinking spree of half gallon bottles of liquor every other day.
When we got back together I told him it had to stop, I couldn’t deal with the stuff I first dealt with when we got married. Well, that worked for a week or so. Then he started again. One night he drank so much when I tried to wake him for work he hit me so hard it left what looked like a black golfball attached to my arm… and thats when he quit drinking liqour. He now drinks beer.
He only drinks on the weekend (the only days I get to see him because of his work schedule) and will drink 20+ on an average weekend day, if not more. When he does drink, we don’t get home til late (I’m always the sober driver) and then he passes out. He has been recently getting drunk and saying he doesn’t love me, he’s moving out, and he wants a divorce. I don’t know what to do. Half the time I don’t cry anymore because I’m so numb to it. I love him with all my heart and all I ask is for him to go one weekend without drinking. He can’t do it. He says he deserves it for working so hard.
Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate everything he does… but when he feels like he can justify my unhappiness with his job to me being selfish, it really upsets me. I was there when we didn’t have a penny to our name and when he drinks he says I use him for his money. I won’t leave him again… I don’t wany to. I feel like he knows that. I kind of have depression issues and when he says that stuff I think about it to myself for days. He doesn’t seem to care that he has a wife at home who cleans his house, makes his food, washes his clothes, ect ect. I feel just worthless to him.
He gets angry when I ask him why he says mean things to me or if he won’t drink. I just let him so I can avoid being yelled at half the time. I don’t drink. I had an alcoholic mother and father and I just avoided drinking for the sake of my own mental and physical health. He makes fun of me for being “boring”. I’ll drink the occasional one beer every few months… only if he talks me into it. That’s when he says we’re too different and shouldn’t be together. I don’t think I’m the one with the problem. I’m just overwhelmed. I’m heartbroken, just hurt and destroyed on the inside. How can I make him realize what he does isn’t ok with me? Let me tell you… leaving or talking doesn’t work… it almost seems impossible. I love this man. He is my world. I just wish I was his world as well.
Mellisa, Please read the article. Please follow the advice in the article and please go to Al-Anon. You need help. You are trying to converse and reason with a substance –trying to get rational feelings from this substance, which has taken over your husband, rather than the man you originally fell in love with. He is making choices (unbeknownst to him) that is erasing who he was and can be –to someone who is being drowned in a substance. And you are being dragged into this and could get swallowed up, as well.
If you reach out to Al-Anon, you can get a lot of help to sort this issue out, as well as deal with your past. There are scars from your parent’s alcohol abuse, as well –you can count on it. It’s no wonder you’re heartbroken.
You are still young. NOW is the time to deal with this rather than allow more time to drag on and do more damage. Please, read the article and do what it says. Pray about all of this as you read –that your eyes and heart will be open to learning Truth and that the Lord will guide you to get the help you need.
Perhaps your marriage still has a shred of a chance to be saved, but not in the direction it’s headed into right now. Please get help and perhaps… I can’t assure you, but perhaps, it might eventually inspire your husband to get help as well, when you start to get onto a healthier path. None-the-less, one of you needs to be the hero here and do the brave thing to deal with this head on. Running won’t help, but reaching out to those who have been on this path could. I hope you will. I pray the Lord guides you and helps you on this difficult journey to a better future.
(USA) Thank you so much. I have hope he can change and our marriage can be strong again. I will look into alnon. I’m glad this page is here and people actually listen… I know that some of my issues from my childhood could effect how I look at him when he drinks. He reminds me so much of my mother. It’s sad that so many people feel so alone in these marriages, including myself. I pray everyone finds peace and strength. I’m not one to really reach out to people, but I do feel better. I’m not ready to give up.
(GT BRITAIN) I am a female drinker and it became a huge problem in our marriage – I have been going to AA meetings for over three months and it is helping me a lot. But my problem is that my husband is not really supporting me; my daughter keeps saying lovely things like “well mum I am really proud of you” and sends me the odd encouragement card which I love, but my husband only says well done on the odd occasion and its when he hears my daugters encouragement or if I say that I think I am doing well, like we have just come back for a nights stay with entertainment and FREE DRINKS and I did not pick it up at all.
But when we get home he gets moody and stressed and sarcastic which I really find hard without a drink to blot out my sadness. I just wish so much he would try to understand and not be so spitefull as it makes me feel like saying I might as well get drunk – oh my goodness it is so so hard. He does not make me feel wanted at all.
We have not slept together for at least two years and he has blamed it on the drink which I tried to understand = but even after being sober since last January (5 months) nothing happens so I am sooooo disappointed. PLEASE TRY AND SUPPORT your wife or husband; it is very hard to keep it up STAYIN SOBER without support and understanding.
(USA) I am coming to realize I just don’t know what to do. There has been many nights I have cried, sobbed, with all the hurtful words this Christian, loving, hard working man would say to me after his “deserved” drinks would set in. I would defend myself to my husband, knowing it was the most confusing conversation I have ever heard. Then those mornings would come with sorrow and earnest. They don’t come as often anymore; I think he realizes I don’t really believe him. Having neither of us experienced this before, we didn’t have a word to give it.
Now with 3 kids and 1 on the way, I am overwhelmed with sadness. Will this continue and for how long? I pray and pray and pray and just when I see a light, he changes his mind. My children don’t deserve this. My daughter is starting to see her dad and his personality changes. He binges… since he was a military man and he “can take more drinks than the normal man”, he feels he does not drink too much. I see his body changing, his priorities changing… it makes me so terribly sad.
Tonight, he did this in front of my family. He accused me of the usual “giving him a hard time for drinking” and said I better prepare for our life to change. He basically said he is going to give me the silent treatment. That will be interesting while we have house guest. This is the man I married? I made what sounds like one of the big mistakes and talked about drinking during the action. The interesting fact is, I am numb, mindless, can’t think of anything I should do right now. His family is clueless. Mine is beginning to see a pattern. I can’t believe this is happening to me. We were and are so in love. I’m just so numb now.
(AUSTRALIA) My husband drinks daily, either straight after work or from 12 noon if it’s a day off, until he stumbles off to bed. I try and try to talk but just get yelled at and degraded and its gotten to a point where I don’t think I love him anymore, or not this other him anyway. But then I feel guilty for wanting to separate a family. We have 3 young girls who love their dad to bits. A lot of the time he is the fun one, never caring when the kids are fed, bathed, or put to bed. He just watches me struggle and then degrades me more, if he can even leave his man shed long enough to notice us.
(CANADA) I just want to say that I recently told my wife that I have a problem with alcohol. I don’t drink everyday but on my days off I would have to say that those are my “drinking days”. The other night I drank nearly a full case by myself, I woke my wife up at 7 am and she hugged me. I broke down and started crying and apologizing. From someone who has this issue, it can be a very painful thing especially when you realize the problem and have issues stopping.
I love my wife very much. I will be honest, some of the negative comments I have seen hurt; not a lot, but there have been some. They hurt and I would ask that those of you who say that drunks are liars and cheats will do anything. Put yourself in the shoes of that drunk.
(MALAYSIA) I’ve been married for 5 years and have a 3 yr old daughter. I’m married to a wonderful, quiet and caring man who absolutely adores his daughter but from the time we have been married my hubby just doesn’t know where to draw the line when he goes drinking. He goes out drinking with a group of his friends every week and they drink like it’s the first time they have tasted alcohol.
I just don’t understand that. I’m so frustrated because he not only jeopardizes his health but also drives back drunk but to him his level of consumption is very little compared to what he used to drink when he was in his 20′s. Whenever I try to tell to cut down in his drinking, we end up fighting. He always compares himself to his friends who cheat on their wives and do other horrible things and he says that he loves me and doesn’t do all that stuff. But for how long does he want to go on drinking like this? It’s so hurtful. I’m so depressed that I feel hopeless.
(USA) I’ve been married for 23 years. My husband and I made equal salaries until the past few years b/c of his substance abuse. Last night, my two college-aged children asked me to leave their dad but asked me to wait until Aug 2013 when they would be financially able to go to college and live on their own w/o my assistance.
I’ve read each of your entries. I am a strong, healthy, beautiful 55 year old woman who has put up with substance abuse for a long long time. My friends and children say “GO”, but it’s hard to leave someone you love.
I wish you all well. I’m SO tempted to send an email to his closest friends and alcoholic family members and let them know this is it…intervention, or goodbye.
Find help!
(USA) My husband is drinking every or almost every day… whenever he has chance, mostly at night, quitely by himself while watching TV, or worse working from home. Once he starts, he cannot stop and keep on making “packs” what he calls it: jack and coke and ice, until he is too wasted to walk. Recently he stopped putting coke, as per him gaining too much weight from it and just mixing wiskey and water. My question is: how do I make him get help. He is in denial that he has a problem and uses the most lame excuses for his behavior (I need to relax, I want to have fun, etc) I love him a lot, and I am worried that he will lose the job at some point and will eventually lose me. WE don’t have kids in common yet, and I am even scared to have one, of what example my husband will serve if he continues drinking. Need advice ASAP!
Natalie, You can’t MAKE anyone do anything. As much as I wish you could change your husband so he would stop, that is a choice he has to make. All I can advise is for you to re-read the article (with the articles linked to them) and look for any information you can glean from them –that which stands out as truth for your situation. This is the tough part of loving someone — sometimes they do things that we’re totally against, and it hurts us, especially. All you can do is pray, work on your own issues, use the information you can use, and hope that your husband will wake up and change his ways before it’s too late.
I lost a brother a while back from the side effects of drinking too much. I (along with my sister in law, who is now a young widow) would hate for this to happen to your husband and to you. It’s horrible. Your husband is playing with fire and he and you will get burned from this eventually if he doesn’t change his ways. I think you’re wise not to bring additional kids into this type of situation. It would effect them for all of their lives. Please know that my heart goes out to you and that I am praying for you and for your husband.
(USA) I have been married for 10 years now (I have a 19 year old from previous marriage; he has a 16 year old from a previous relationship and we have a 4 year old together). My husband is an alcoholic. When we were dating we would both have one or two on a dinner date (I would have 1 [or a soda] he would have 2 [beer or mixed drinks or both]). My comment was I still needed to be a parent when I got home.
As the relationship grew and I was over his house, more and more, I noticed he always had a case of beer in the fridge. Call me naive but I really assumed it was the same one. Once we were married, I found out his love for drugs was not in his past as he stated it was, and his drinking was more than I thought. I left (2 weeks after marriage). He promised it would stop (the drugs). I returned. I thought it stopped -it didn’t. I left, again. He promised never ever again. (I covered loopholes this time.) I returned. His drinking continued through all of this time, and I stopped as someone had to be the parent (and sober driver). Let me clairify I may have had up to 6 beers or drinks in any year. I am not a drinker and will never be. (When I was young my mom told me of an alcoholic great-grandfather, so I assumed the additive ‘gene’ was in the family and I wouldn’t let it ‘get me’.)
I have confronted him about his drinking and his comments are usually ‘I am not that drunk’, ‘I don’t get too drunk’ I need it to unwind, work is hard’ ‘I am just drinking socially or just trying to have a good time’. Well, I guess he is tired of hearing me talk about it so now he drinks during the day and stops before I get home (he works from home). He hides the empties in the cellar, where he thinks I wouldn’t find them (well I look, especially when he has an ‘attitude’ and then goes right to bed.
Now 10 years into this… I am tired of walking on eggshells to keep his mood happy. I am tired of making excuses for his behavior. I wish someone else (his side of family) would see that he has lost control, but since they are all drinkers that will never happen. My side of family doesn’t drink, so he cares less on what they think. I am tired of leaving, believing, and counseling (me only). I just wish he could be the man I thought he was.
(UNITED KINGDOM) I’ve been with my husband since I was a teenager; we have been married for 5 years. Since March of this year, my husband changed jobs and started drinking very often after work. He does shift work and usually doesn’t finish work until 11 pm but he stays out until as late as 5:30 am even when he has to be back at work at 7 am.
He thinks that since he finishes work late he needs to “wind down,” so staying till whenever he likes in his eyes is ok.
I work normal hours and am home almost every evening alone. Then when he doesn’t come home I find myself awake in bed waiting to hear him put the keys in the front door. I worry that he will start an argument with someone and get into a fight or fall of his bicycle on his way home as he rides home drunk. He has already been knocked off his bike twice when drunk.
When I was a teenager I woke up after midnight and he wasn’t home. I was so worried so I drove to his work and found out that he had been caught by the police for drinking and driving; I spent all the early hours of the morning at the police station waiting for him to be released. I’m so hurt by his drinking, he too is the guy I dread taking to an event, wedding or birthday party as he doesn’t know when to stop. He will drink till the last man is standing then talk rubbish and be rude towards me.
Then when we get behind closed doors, the rudeness level increases and I’m expected to take it because the morning after he wakes up and says sorry and thinks it’s enough and I usually forgive and move on. I’m so over him relying on me to wake up in the morning and forget about his misbehavior. It breaks my heart. It is making me hate him; yesterday after a million promises last week and every week prior to “turn over a new leaf” he went out for a few beers. We had a date night planned and when I got home he was passed out. Obviously, no date that evening and he has no idea why I have drawn the line and said I want to get a divorce. He thinks he just had a few beers with a friend and I’m being unreasonable.
Am I being uneasonable to think that this husband should really try turning a new leaf and holding back on the beer to have a date night with me? The last few months have been the worst of our relationship causing me to consider it ending.
We were planning to start trying for a baby but I just can’t think about having a life in the future with this man when he cannot even make an honest attempt to give up beer when I have asked him to.
He doesn’t see a problem and thinks I want to cause this drama. This drama is breaking my heart, I’m not even 30 and I often think lately how I want a man who wants nothing but me and would give up anything for me. Someone tell me how I can deal with my husband who is in denial. I cannot think or plan my future with this man I’ve been with for nearly half my life! It makes me so sad inside. I’m sick of the tears.
(USA) My husband has had a drinking problem for many years. About 5 years ago he had his yearly physical and the doctor told him (I was there) you are killing yourself by drinking. If you continue to drink the next time I see you will be in the morgue. He stopped for a while with the help of some anti depressants but as soon as he did his blood work and had normal liver counts, he would start sneaking the beers. He hides it and when I catch him. Or when I find the cans laying around he looks right at me and lies about it. The lies are hurting me because I always thought we had a trusting relationship.
I am at the point where I think ending our marrage is the only answer. I have tried everything including confrontation, counseling and nothing seems to work. He always tries to put the blame on me; it’s crazy. I know this is a disease but he refusses to get help and I am at my wits end.
(U.S.A.) My wife of 4 years is an alcoholic. It runs in her family. Nobody in my family even drinks. I cheated on her before we were married and she says this is why shes an alcoholic. This probably isn’t true but I still feel tremendous guilt. She didn’t find out until after we were married. I work a 12 hr swing shift, which keeps me at work from 5 to 5 at night, and every other weekend. She isnt the type to go out and look to cheat. But she is in a bar 3 to 4 times a week. Usually til early in the morning and this kills me.
I hate it when she’s drunk. She’s always the life of the party and guys must wonder why this girl is by herself or a girlfriend or 2 –someone all the time late and drunk. Her family has told ne they realize she needs help but then they just hope she magically gets better. And they enable and enable. She tells me she will get help and knows it has ruined her life but is drinking the next day. She bartends and plays pool leagues and always has a reason to be at a bar. She doesn’t call me when she’s out drinking and lies about how long she’ll be out.
I’m at a breaking point. I feel like I’m going crazy. I care about her deeply but can’t deal with this. I feel like she has no empathy for me. I’m probably insecure but I doubt this is normal activity for a wife. We have no kids and are in our mid 30s and she says she has no reason to stay home. But I’d have to be an idiot to think kids would help us and not make things worse. On top of all this I’m a pothead, but can still be productive and go to work. Hard to tell her to stop when I can’t. I feel like I’m trapped and I know I’m no where near unblameable. Any advice???
(USA) This site brings some comfort realizing that I am not alone or the only one that is called all the horrific names and things a person can be called by a spouse that took me to be joined as one. I am 46 years old. I have a 20 year old son and a 9 year old daughter. I have been married for so long that I lost count –not because of the years, but because of the loss of celebrating anniversaries, spending holidays, our children’s birthdays, even family vacations alone. Well, apart from my husband and their father.
I started to believe that I might be everything that he has said I am, the very reason he is the way he is and the reason he drinks, takes morphine, percocet, soma, and valium that are legally prescribed to him monthly. I called his doctor, and his drug dealer. His medical reports from this doctor have been sealed from me, which made me more bitter and angry because I am the wife and partner. There’s no sealing of anything except our vows, so I thought. I am past what most of what everyone has described –the sadness, the doing of everything without the slightest of appreciation (however, when he does work, which is very few and far between throughout our lives together) he says he always works his but off for me. I give up with my once rebuttal, “what about all the years I have and continue to work? I never just do it for you, but our family.”
He acts like he resents working or worse, the fact that he had to do it for me! Not our children or the fact that without us he would still have to work somewhere for himself. Now his “visits” to detox are more frequent and closer together as he is 50 and knows that he is pushing it. But he can’t seem to do the 12 steps or follow through as he knows everything. His sarcasm in the beginning was taken as a joke and cute, but now it’s cruel and mean and my son just now is feeling able to voice his feelings toward his father, although in anger. My son tells him that he has no right trying to tell him what to do because he was never around. My husband gets so angry with him. All I can do is be quiet. I understand my son’s feelings, but my husband says that I am taking my son’s side. My side is that we should be able to voice how he has made us feel if we are asked, but he doesn’t like the answers given, because he is angry with himself.
My husband calls me so many names and then I get angry and start throwing up things that he has done or did. At the beginning of him starting an argument, which is him only searching for a reason to leave and get drunk and high, of course, he blames it on me. He has to get away from me because he doesn’t want to argue and listen to me, according to him, and he will say this to our children as they’re begging him not to leave because he may be gone for a few hours or months. We never know. “YOU KNOW WHAT A -SHE IS AND YOU KNOW I CAN’T ARGUE OR LISTEN TO HER.” But the arguments usually start with him trying to whisper in my ear, pulling me by the head and throat to his mouth, with his face red, eyes filled with hate and fire, and calling me the most horrible names that he can think that will push my buttons. The reason he pulls me near is because he thinks our children can’t see or hear. Our children love him, but they never know when he’s going to be a dad. The know he is their father and blames their feelings of sadness and fear on him leaving me.
He says that I tell them to hate him. He acts like his faults are invisible to their eyes. His last few visits to detox I have learned that he has learned a new art of picking up younger (1 or 2 years older than our son) “women” and preying on their battles with addiction. I learned from another young woman that I found him at her apartment that she had been in Detox with him and he supposedly went to her apt. to see if she had any needles. The term she uses for needles was new to me, until she explained and thought I was going to faint. He puller out of her apt. as we followed behind. But instead of following him “home” we followed him straight to his mother’s. He had some clothes in the vehicle. We watched him remove them. He has been there for 2 months now. His new thing, I guess is shooting up Morphine. I’m afraid of Hepatitis C, etc… and that is only one fear, also that he is going to die alone in a room that his mother refers to as the cave. She doesn’t check on him until the evening and tells him good night. However, she isn’t the most honest person in the world either. She loves the drama but hates cleaning up after him and the all the burns and things he breaks on a journey to the bathroom.
The last time he went to detox he was so horrible that he lost all control of his bowels and urine. This site is bittersweet with the comfort of knowing we are not alone, but the fear and sadness that we are not alone.
(USA) I have a husband that comes from a long line of alcoholics. He has a pattern of drinking but sometimes will do things that don’t fit into that pattern. So he’s unpredictable. It rules my life. We have been married for 41 years and it has gotten worse with age. I feel I have no life and I am too old and tired to leave so I endure with resentment and hate at times.
I don’t know what to do. I have prayed, gone to alanon and try to stay positive. When he is sober he’s great but as soon as he starts he’s horrible. He isn’t abusive physically but emotionally he just isn’t there for me. I have become frozen and lost all interest in life as time goes by. I don’t wish he would die, but sometimes I wish I would. I don’t know what to expect from him at any given time so I have given up on planning anything and therefore have no life. How can you go about your business when your mind is totally consumed by an alcoholic. I don’t drink much so I am an observer.
(AUSTRALIA) OH MY GOD!!! Reading everyone’s comments make’s me feel I have no hope. I’m in my second marriage and my current husband drinks all the time as well. But he’s never hit me, only blame’s everything on my two children from my first marriage. He also has 2 children of his own but my kids are the bad one’s because they’re lazy. I’ve had enough of his drinking. We’ve been trying to have a baby for 2.5 yrs now and I now know it’s never going to happen as we both are in our mid 40′s. I blame him for that, due to his drinking and lots of it.
I’m so glad we have this web page to chat with other ladies in the world about the same problems. But to read everyone’s comments, it’s like we don’t have much of a chance with our husbands… Why? Do women need to suffer so much?
Hi Maria, Trust me, there are lots and lots of wives who are the abusers of alcohol too. It’s not just husbands. Prayerfully, your husband will wake up before it’s too late and hate what he is doing and will change. It’s not hopeless, unless the offending spouse keeps making the choice to do that which is hurting your marriage.
Honestly, I wouldn’t try to have a baby unless I had a good home in which to raise him or her –and with alcohol taking control of your husband, I’m not thinking this is a healthy environment to bring a baby into. You both have 2 children who are having to witness and live in this problematic home life… I would just concentrate on helping the children I have and leave it at that, unless things change drastically for the better, as far as the drinking. And I’m not talking about a day or so, or a week or a month or so, here or there, but a consistent pattern of having a healthier home life for you and for your children and any other child you may bring into the world. I’m not trying to be negative here, just realistic. It is what it is. You can’t change your husband –he needs to do that. But you can do your part in trying to bring healthiness into your children’s lives and living yours as best as you can. I hope you are able to do so. I pray for wisdom for you, Maria.
(USA) I’ve read through this material with mixed emotions. My partner of over 10 years is an alcoholic. We both have grown children, but no children together, although he was a very big part of my children and grandchildren’s lives. We never married because I was hesitant to commit because I was scared of his drinking. Over the past few years his drinking became progressively worse and his tolerance less and less, to the point where only a couple of beers made him appear and act drunk. He was up at the corner bar 4-5 nights a week.
I am not a screamer, I didn’t get angry, I didn’t threaten or shame him, or plead with him to change. We had many rational discussions about his drinking. He always said he wanted to drink less, but would not own up to it being out of control, or even a problem. He tried to quit many times, many different ways, but nothing lasting more than a couple of weeks. I began attending al-anon meetings and really made an effort to “detach with love.” When he was sober, I was his best friend, his lover… we truly were soul mates and had a wonderful relationship, we were very in sync with one another emotionally, liked to do the same things and genuinely enjoyed each other’s company. We traveled, we did things and went places, we had friends and spent a lot of time with our families. Although we disagreed now and then, we rarely argued or fought about anything. But when he came home drunk, it was a different story… fortunately he was not a mean drunk and really didn’t even try to pick fights very often as usually he was mentally checked out and in a stupor when he came through the door. I began sleeping in the guest bedroom when he came home drunk. I didn’t wait up for him and most nights I was asleep before he even came home. This made him angry, although he rarely said anything. My intention was to not enable, to make it clear that this behavior was unacceptable to me, and that I was not going to let his drinking control me or my life. I had hoped that he would come to see that there were consequences for his drinking.
Things hit a bump in the road though. After about a year of me sleeping in the guest room when he was drunk, he stopped coming home at night when he was very drunk and I found out he had taken up with another woman. I was very frustrated because everything I was working so hard to accomplish was being negated by this other woman. It wasn’t as if he had given her a story, she was very aware he was in a relationship. I spoke with her one day and explained the drinking. I told her that if she really cared about him, she would stop enabling him, stop rescuing him and stop giving him a place to go where there was no accountability or consequences. She told me I was the reason he drank and that I simply did not understand their relationship. Of course, I didn’t buy this.
He insisted he did not love her, he did not want to be with her and that it was just a situation that had gotten out of hand, although he did throw in that since I wouldn’t sleep with him, he found somebody else who would. I gave him an ultimatum and told him that if he was going to continue seeing her, I was going to leave. He apologized profusely and seemed genuinely sorry. He did stop seeing her for a couple of years, but then it started back up (didn’t help that they worked together). So about a year ago I left him out of respect for myself. Of course, the girlfriend moved right in, convinced that she had “won.” I still don’t think she gets it. They now hang out at the bar together and he is drinking more than ever (so much for me being the reason for his drinking).
Although I know I shouldn’t, I worry about him, his health, his quality of life… and in many ways, I miss him, the “him” he was when he was sober. Sometimes I catch myself thinking that if I hadn’t detached, if I had just continued to be a doormat for the drunken him, I’d still be there with him –although I would have the bad times, I would also have the good times. Other times I ride a roller coaster between “good riddance, now I can live my life” and “he will one day realize what he threw away and come back.” Most days I just wonder if it will ever stop hurting and I will ever be normal again. Alcoholism stinks.
(USA) Joy, I am so proud of you for making the decision to leave. I know it must have been tough. Be strong, read your bible, and be encouraged that you made the right decision. God knows you and will help you deal with your hurt.
(UK) I think my husband drinks too much but am not sure if I am making a bigger deal than it is and was hoping for your opinion.
My husband doesn’t drink everyday but is a social binge drinker. If it’s just the 2 of us we drink in moderation but probably also because that is where I draw the limit. We live in London and everytime he goes out for drinks with his colleagues, he comes back drunk. When we go out with friends or have them around at ours, he usually drinks faster than the rest of us (bar one or 2 other friends). The level of tipsy to drunk is really dependent on how long the night lasts! And the further it goes into the wee hours, the more drunk he becomes to the point he puked in the cab and had some on his coat!!!
He denies he drinks too much or has a problem. He says he works hard so he’s entitled to enjoy his drink. When entertaining at home, he always serves too much alcohol. Even if everyone said they had enough, he keeps topping up glasses so we always end up throwing good wine away but of course he would drink his glass. When we are out he keeps over ordering wine or buying shots no one wants to drink. We joke about it all the time about how he always arrives with the shots but it’s no longer funny to me. We’ve been together for 10 years. We met as students and his drinking has gradually increased over the years to a point I am now concerned. Everytime I discuss reducing the amount he drinks (like new years resolution time), he never sees the need to reduce his alcohol intake.
He is a very happy and jovial drunk so I’ve never had any incidence of physical or verbal abuse or fights. He is otherwise a very good husband and honestly the best guy I know. He’s generous with everyone, a good provider, very patient and loving with me (God knows I have many flaws), loved by his boss and colleagues and is good at what be does so I can’t really complain. It’s hard to explain as this issue has gradually crept up. It’s almost like a person who started out skinny and eats a lot. At first it is ok because he could use some extra weight, then once you past average the lines between fat and obese and morbidly obese are not entirely clear. His alcohol intake is something like eating too much. I don’t want him to reach obesity if that makes sense?
Am I making a mountain out of a molehill or does he have a problem? He vehemently denies having a problem. Tonight we were out for dinner with friends, he said he was just tipsy but on the way home he hugged a random guy in the tube who came up and chatted with him and didn’t remember when I asked him about it when we arrived home. I persuaded our friends to cut the night short because if it went on we would have adjourned to a club where more drinks would have been consumed.
(UK) I am too embarrassed to tell anyone about my husband’s weekend drinking habits. So I am taking the opportunity to just get it all out here. My husband does not really drink during the weekdays but usually at least once per week he goes out with friends (he is 29 years old). He never comes back until the last bar has closed and at that point he is so drunk I wonder how his body can even function.
I am usually worried every time he goes out because I know exactly how it is going to end. I am also worried he will hurt somebody or himself. When he comes home, he is very loud and annoying. He will kick the door to our bedroom in, and start talking loudly to me about weird stuff that does not make much sense.
His actions are violent, and he kicks and hits but not really to hurt me. It is more like he is joking about it. I never got any bruises or anything like that. His behavior is very scary though and I do feel a bit threatened. He also starts throwing things around in our apartment for no reason other than he is drunk and that he has a pretty angry personality. He occasionally gets into fights when he is out, so I am also worrying a lot if something serious will happen to him or others. I do not think his friends see a problem with his behavior and I think he usually behaves better while out and take most of his anger out on me when he comes home.
The worst part is probably the things he says to me. However, I am so used to it now it does not bother me as much as it used to. I try to just not listen. During the first years when we were together, I would start arguing with him but obviously there is no point in arguing with a drunk person.
Now, when he comes home my only goal is to try to get him to sleep which is really hard. I almost wish he was the person who would just pass out when he is drunk but the opposite happens. He is wide awake and it usually takes at least an hour before I can get him to sleep. I have told him so many times I will leave him if he does not stop drinking. He does feel a bit sorry and embarrassed the next day but he says he can’t remember anything so it is hard for him to really feel that it’s a problem.
Sometimes, when his actions and behavior is really bad I can get him to not drink for about a month or so. But then he usually misses hanging out with his friends. Apparently the only thing they do is drinking in bars. I try to encourage him to play soccer, or go to the movies instead but they always end up going to a bar afterwards anyway.
The only reason I can live with it, is because it ‘only’ happens a couple of times per month. But I love him less every time he does it and hatred starts growing bigger inside me. Actually, the same old story happened this morning. After the usual trouble, he fell asleep and I left the apartment as quickly as possible. I could not possibly leave before he fell asleep because I know for sure he would make a scene that would wake up all our neighbors. Once I did, he took his car and drove naked out to look for me (yes, still drunk as h…). Of course, he did not remember when I told him about the car incident. Probably one of the craziest things he has done.
I know he will hate to wake up and find that I am not there and I want him to feel frustrated. I am going to stay away for as long as I can find something to do today. I am now writing this post from a nearby cafe. Apart from this plan, however, I do not know what to do. He treats me very well when he is sober despite his angry personality and occasional anger outbursts. When we are face to face again, I know he will ask me “What happened?” and be back to his usual mostly sweet and loving person. I am really tired now. He makes me tired.
(CANADA) I am also with a husband who is an abusive drunk… and step kids who push drinking with him. They’re adults and think I’m the problem and that his drinking is ok, including all the drunk driving they do. I’m so fed up with this week after week. I find him selfish. I don’t see this as a disease, which has conveniently been given to them like a cancer diagnosis; it is something they choose to do because they can’t function with normal people. I actually am to the point of hating him; he ruins everything around him… for what? A drunk night with deadbeats, just like him.
(USA) I am twenty eight. I have two beautiful and sweet daughters but I also have a same age husband that prefers alcohol to family time. He is the only one working in our family and works 40 hours a week from 7-3:30. When he comes home he begins drinking. I have requested weekends, waiting until the kids go to bed, etc., but it’s not that easy. Monday through Friday it could be a six pack of tall boys or a twelve pack depending on his mood. I think it would be ok if it wasn’t EVERY night but unfortunately it is. Weekends he can go through a thirty pack a day unless I get lucky.
I have tried to talk to him but listening when he is drinking is not gonna happen. If I refuse to go get more beer for him he will her in his vehicle and go himself only making things worse. I have locked myself in the room numerous times to avoid any fights with him. I no longer know what to do in the situation. His dad is the same way, except he doesn’t work at all and is drinking from 5 am until he eventually passes out. I don’t want him like his dad. He has mad over enough promises to either slow down or quit drinking because he knows it hurts our relationship. I sometimes don’t know what to do or how to act and our communication is decreasing the more this issue is occurring. God be with all of his children going through this.
(AUSTRALIA) This is the first time I have ever written on a discussion website but it is now 3:30 in the morning and I can’t sleep. My husband and I have only been married for 2.5 years, but have known each other since high school. I always knew of his drinking habits but deep down there was always a hope that he may change, grow up (he is 41!) or realise that his drinking habits were unhealthy. He needs to drink everyday –at least 6 beers after work, and on weekends he could consume at least a dozen or so each day if not more Saturday and Sunday. If he or somebody brings a bottle of wine in the house, he is not satisfied until it is all gone.
We have a son together who is now nearly 2. I never drink now, as there is no way I could possibly function with a busy boy running around. I have now come to the point that I am so over it, because not only does he fall asleep early and I am left on my own for the evening after being on my own for most of the day, he doesn’t seem to get the expense of his habit and how that money could be spent or saved elsewhere. There is nothing more frustrating than seeing money literally being peed down the toilet or in his case, over the floor. My family can see what is happening. For so long I have been defending him… but I can no longer deny his problems because it is effecting my happiness, my health and in turn our marriage.
Before we were married he lived with his Mum and she too was always frustrated with his drinking. I think that she also hoped he may change with marriage and children but time is ticking away and it is the same old story. I have bailed him out financially since we have been together because I couldn’t bear him paying so much interest on credit debt, and paid all the bills when he was unable to find employment for nearly 12 months, but he still drank that whole time.
Anyway, I have been stewing away inside for a long time –no wonder my blood pressure is high. I have asked him for a long while now to please cut back etc, without the whole wanting to nag him, but there alway seems to be some excuse and I am so over it. Mentally I have been packing my bags because I have been in a similar relationship before and life is too short to be unhappy for the sake of others. I have no hesitation in going, as I do not want our son thinking that what Dad does is acceptable on any level. He is a good man and a great father, and because he still looks reasonably fit and healthy, he doesn’t seem to get that on the inside it must be eating him away. He always gets up for work and functions well throughout the day… but beer o clock is always at the back of his mind.
Unfortunately the whole “tradesman/beer/pub” mentality is so socially acceptable that it must be killing so many relationships –not just ours. His father passed away at the age of 57. He also enjoyed a drink but I believe that other issues lead to his passing. I know that his father would have loved to know his son’s son… maybe this is an underlying issue that needs addressing somewhere down the track. Anyway, hopefully with these issues out in the open, he hopefully will come to his senses before it is too late.
(UNITED STATES) I just ready many of the posts on this blog. Even though I am very hurt to know that so many Christians are in the same situation that I am in, I am also comforted that I am not alone. I wanted to reply to every single post and give you all a group (((HUG)))
I have been married for 17 years this time around. I attract addicts unfortunately. My first husband was an addict and I left him. I ended up with another addict. I knew it full well before I ever even married him but I just wanted to “help” him and his children. I have two boys, one from he first and one from the 2nd. My husband is actually a drug addict. He does everything. He smokes cigarettes too. I abstain from everything. I cannot stand drugs or alcohol and despise what it does to people even the second hand effects.
Even though I am still married to my husband, We have not lived together for 7 years now. This being our latest separation. I have remained alone and have not dated or even looked at another man. Part of the reason because it is my second marriage and I know what the Bible has to say about marriage, divorce and remarriage. Second because I’m afraid of falling in to it again. Third because of my children. They are grown now. My first is married and I am going to be a grandmother. my second is 15 and he is a God honoring, God fearing young man. I have ignored my husband’s problem all these years. I have seen him through the years he spends time with the kids when he is not in rehab or in jail. He lives with his parents. He cannot live alone. He is like a small child who cannot handle life, never has been able too.
Just recently 2 summers ago, he asked me to come stay with us to be with his son. He asked me to give him another chance. I did; he stayed here 9 months and I insisted that we kept it platonic and work on our issues and work through all the past pain and hurt. It was hard at first. It got easier. Just when I was ready to open up intimatley and become vulnerable again he messed up and I found out he had been using in little amounts for weeks. Of course it’s not simple as that, nothing is. It is much more complicated but I had him leave.
Just recently, about a year after the last incident I decided to give him another try. He had worked through some of his legal issues and bought a vehicle for the first time in over 5 years with a mandatory breathalizer installed in it. I thought that would help him stay sober but he was not working any kind of recovery plan. My support has always been the church. That is where my children and I get all of our support. Well, we tried him coming on weekends for about 4 months and I pushed myself to be intimate despite the fact I was not ready for that but I thought maybe just maybe that will do the trick. It did not. 2 weekends ago he was over for the weekend, said he felt sick and without telling anyone a word he left got a motel and started binging. I have said all that to say this… No matter what you do it does not get easier. I have left him so many times. In 18 years of marriage we have been living together a total of about 8 years and they have been broken up 3 years here 2 years there and another year over there.
Nothing phases him. No matter what I do or how I do it and I have done everything, the intervention, the counseling, the alanon, the separation, giving him intimacy, I cannot do anything, only he can. I just hang on to God. I thank him every day that my children are in his ways. I stay sane and healthy for them and my grandchildren coming. I refuse to live in a house with a person that chooses drugs and alcohol over the family. It’s not easy, it’s hard to be a single mom to two boys, it’s hard to be angry and bitter sometimes, it’s hard to be lonely but God will be there for you no matter what you do.
Remember always, you cannot change the person or do anything to make them change, the person does not drink because of you! It’s not your fault. Don’t take responsibilities for their actions. IT is their actions. I know you are one… that is what hurts the most. When you got married you became one, everything they do hurts you. That is our cross… the thorn on our side. Give it to God daily, stay in his word stay in fellowship, and pray for your spouse when you can. Try to do it as often as possible. Don’t be ashamed to talk to others about your issues. It will help you to talk to people you confide in but do not talk about it too much… it will drain you and rob you of your time. Focus on God, you and your family and you will get through this. Your spouse will have to shift the focus to God to get through this too. Pray for that.
(USA) I am just reaching out now for the first time, and I am because as I’m reading these… it’s my life. My husband has his “too much drinking” every once in a while. I get so angry I tell him, Is this what I deserve? Really?
I do go out for a drive to the store so I don’t have to continue listening to his nonsense. I also ask him if he’s done when he’s yelling at me. I am struggling with the thought of getting him out of my life. I am so end at the end of my rope. I don’t deserve this, no one does, really.